liblady Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 I have been with my husband now for about 9 years. We just recently got married a couple of months ago. So far I haven't caught him cheating on me but have found that he replies to female emailers. If a female emails him, he feels obligated to email back. Just before we got married he responded to a woman who lived nearby and he told her that his relationship now isn't working out and it didn't look like a future. He indicated to her that if things didn't work out between us that he would like to meet this her. For the past few months prior to this, we were planning the marriage reception and our future. I don't understand why he would tell this woman that when he was planning a future with me and we were getting along. I don't know if he is still in contact with this person or if he has met her or not. I don't want to open up a can or worms if nothing is going on. How do I stop the emailing without being a controlling wife?
JadeStar Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 I just wanna make sure I got this right. So you knew about him emailing another woman before you all got married? But you're not sure if he still is now that you all are married? Have you checked to see? Is he acting strange in any way? Also, if you knew he had been emailing this other woman before you all were married, and he said what he said to her, why did you marry him? That should have been a dead give awy as to what kind of person he was, before even marrying him. I doubt that after marrying, he would even stop. Maybe he has, maybe not. I'm sure you're wondering, so you could come right out and ask or you could check around if you feel he wouldn't give you a straight answer. Jade
quankanne Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 hijack his account and start talking trash with them, making it look like he's only out for himself. Make him sound like a real pig. That's my first thought. And second. AND third. he'll look like the fool he's acting like, and maybe he will straighten up. Though why he's doing this in the first place raises some troublesome thoughts. Have y'all been through any kind of relationship counselling?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 I don't understand why he would tell this woman that when he was planning a future with me and we were getting along. Maybe he was being truthful about thinking it wasn't going to work, but was afraid to not go through with the wedding. What were the circumstances of you being married? Was it primarily your idea? Did he feel pressured to marry you? Did you give him the impression that if he didn't marry you, you would lose your will to live? I'm not placing any blame on you, by any means - but it helps to try to see this scenario from as many angles as possible - even the most painful ones. At any rate - this is definitely something that should have addressed before the wedding. I guess I'd have to know what your circumstances were before answering fully. It could be that he married out of obligation, and thus feels resentful enough to not care about your feelings in the matter - or... it could be that he has some deeper issues with commitment in general. Maybe a tad bit of both. Have you considered marriage counseling? It might help to get some of these issues out in the open and you two can work together to see if there is truly something there to salvage, or if it is time to go your separate ways.
Author liblady Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 Yes, I have confronted him about it before we got married, and he promised it would never happen again, but it has. He has never personally cheated on me other than the emails and I don't understand why he would find it hard to delete these types of emails and feel he needs to respond to them. I find it odd that I never receive these types of emails in my account, a lot of junk mail but none I would choose to respond to. Maybe I am just being paranoid? I don't know but now I feel he has opened up another account and there is no way that I can check to see if this is still happening. I also have a strange feeling that he may be chatting but I have no proof of anything. When I ask him about anything, he just gets all defensive, denies it and goes into another room.
quankanne Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 When I ask him about anything, he just gets all defensive, denies it and goes into another room ... which I see as a pretty sure sign that he's not given up his chatting habits. Do you suspect he's stepping out on you, or is just getting a kind of buzz from talking to strangers online?
Author liblady Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 It sounds like he is just getting a buzz thinking these female emailers are really attractive to him. I can't make him realize that these women don't even know who he is or what he looks like and asked him that "how do you even know if these are even ligitimate emails?" Are you sure they are female? I don't know what it is, if he is possessed with the black and white letters that tell him he is a nice guy or what?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Is he replying to spam?! Where is he getting these emails from? Is he a member of an online 'club' or something like that? If he has joined something like Adultfriendfinders or something like that, then there's a very good chance he has at least something going on given how he is acting about it. He may not be hooking up, but that's not to say he isn't playing the field virtually. Have you thought about keylogger software or something like that?
wyzeup Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I think the question of the day is - why on earth did you go forward and marry a man who was emailing a woman before you tied the knot, telling his relationship (with you) wasn't working out and he didn't see any future???? That was an amazingly huge red flag that something wasn't "right" in your relationship - and that marrying him wasn't a smart move. If he was doing this prior to marriage, can you really be surprised he's doing this now? You can't be. And who are all these women who are writing to him? I've been on the internet for 8 years and I've never once just received totally random emails from men or women - so it would seem obvious that your husband is going to sites or chat rooms where he's meeting these women, giving out his email address..and inviting the correspondence. Why are you standing for this kind of garbage? Why aren't you trying to get to the bottom of it, like finding out how he's meeting these women? Reminds me of the old saying, "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." You knew there were big problems prior to marriage - why on earth did you still marry him when he was writing these things to another woman???
Author liblady Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Actually yes I knew about an email one time before we got married. After I found out about it and confronted him about it is when HE brought up the idea of getting married. I don't know if it was a ploy for me to easily forgive him or what. I have been with him for 9 years and he has never cheated on me, but I am afraid with this emailing other women, that there may be a first and I want to be prepared for it. And yes, I did put my foot down and told him that I will NOT put up with it. If he wants to do things like that, he can be single and do it, instead of doing it behind my back. I just want to know for sure if it is still happening now or not and I have no way of knowing for sure. I have a gut feeling that he has another email address that he makes contact with while he is at work. I don't want to nag at him all the time and drive him to do it if he is not actually doing it.
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