Valentines day argument about sex....

[louise_23]

Ok our relationship of late has been ****ty to say the least. His brother died in a freak accident 6 months ago and he has been quite hard to live with which i totally get, i do. Ive been here every step of the way.

Anyway, after he spent an evening drinking over xmas and said some awful things to me - he seems to take out lifes problems on me these days instead of attributing his anger and sadness to grief and stress...its all my fault. Anyway, ive been sleeping in the spare room since then. We havent had sex in all that time, though weve been on normal terms.

Anyway, valentines day rolls around. He gives me a card that says sorry and a few nice things aboyt our future. It was sweet. He gave me a bug bunch of flowers aswell. And....a really seedy outfit to wear "later".

So a few hours pass and hes visibly pissed off. I asked whats wrong, what have i done? He tells me "its not what you have done, its what you havent done". Ok...

Anyway he then explains he wanted me to be spontaneous about sex. Ok. So i get changed into this seedy outfit and we are kissing etc...and hes lying there and says to me "arent you going to suck it"...i said er...no? And he then kind of pressured me to do it "because you always used to when i asked". I said to him look i dont feel like it ok, we didnt sleep together in months, cant we just have normal sex?. And now...hes not speaking to me. In fact, he took the present i gave him and smashed it into a thousand pieces, threw the outfit in the bin and said i dont care about his feelings, i dont love him, etc etc etc.

How much **** am i supposed to contend with and attribute it to grief? What would have been the problem to have regular sex? What actually is this situation? Am i being emotionally abused?

Feel free to move this to another part of the forum if im posting it in the wrong one...we are dating but i guess this is probably quite heavy content.

Thanks...

[road]

I do not advocate living together, it is not as marriage just full time dating.

 

 

That said, when a wife moves out of the bed room and has been out for months as you have is a indicator that the relationship is dead.

 

 

Nothing gets resolved that way.

 

 

Any way you and he will not do the work to repair the relationship. Time to have the funeral and bury the relationship and move out of his place.

[louise_23]

I do not advocate living together, it is not as marriage just full time dating.

 

 

That said, when a wife moves out of the bed room and has been out for months as you have is a indicator that the relationship is dead.

 

 

Nothing gets resolved that way.

 

 

Any way you and he will not do the work to repair the relationship. Time to have the funeral and bury the relationship and move out of his place.

 

 

Its my place just to clarify

[elaine567]

Its my place just to clarify

 

Ask him to leave right away. YOU can't fix this.

[Otter2569]

Sounds like he has issues that need to be addressed and its killing your relationship.

 

i would suggest going to counseling if you think the relationship is worth saving.

 

Personally I think you did the right thing. I would not feel right to me if I was told what to do or expected to deliver - especially after being distant for so long.

 

FYI - My brother is going through something similar after his wife lost her father. Its been 6 months of hell and hes about at the end of his rope.

 

Personally I think it is a form of emotional abuse.

[ExpatInItaly]

He needs professional help. He is no doubt torn to pieces over his brother's death, but this does not give him a pass to belittle and emotionally abuse you. You are correct that he is projecting his anger and grief on to you, and this simply cannot continue.

 

Many years ago I lost an ex-boyfriend in a tragic accident too. I was angry and depressed beyond words. The best thing that happened to me was my parents and best friends essentially making me go to grief and bereavement counselling. I resisted for a while, but eventually couldn't ignore that I truly needed professional guidance. I am so grateful now that the people closest to me forced me to wake up and see that I was falling apart.

 

All you can do is sit him down once the temper has cooled. Explain to him that while you love him and want to support him through his loss, you will not tolerate such treatment. It is unacceptable, no matter the circumstances. Discuss counseling options; a quick Google search will connect you to services in your area. There might even be a free support group. If he refuses, you have some big decisions to make.

[Renae]

That is emotional abuse. I hate feeling preasured into sex, verbally or implied. From experience, you will never feel the same way about having sex with him again. This incident will be in the back of your mind, and it changes things. I would tell him he has to leave.

[smackie9]

IMO this has nothing to do with your lack of ability to work on your relationship. Grief is a very difficult thing....it can and does destroys relationships, it is even linked, in some cases, to infidelity (the person grieving cheats). He is a train wreck and needs professional help. Instead of throwing this into the trash, you can offer him to go to counseling....men have a way more difficult time than women do when it comes to emotional issues. If he refuses then your only choice is to part ways. Your choice in what you do is up to you.

[basil67]

Louise, it's very loving of you to support him through his grief, but no amount of grief makes it OK to verbally abuse or generally be an arse to those who love us. And of course you didn't want to have sex with him - who wants sex with someone who treats us like rubbish!

 

I agree with the other posts. It's time for you to draw a line in the sand. He ceases the verbal abuse IMMEDIATELY and starts grief counselling - or he leaves. But let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept any more of his appalling behaviour.

[louise_23]

Sounds like he has issues that need to be addressed and its killing your relationship.

 

i would suggest going to counseling if you think the relationship is worth saving.

 

Personally I think you did the right thing. I would not feel right to me if I was told what to do or expected to deliver - especially after being distant for so long.

 

FYI - My brother is going through something similar after his wife lost her father. Its been 6 months of hell and hes about at the end of his rope.

 

Personally I think it is a form of emotional abuse.

 

Thanks for this. Never in a million years would i insist that he performs oral sex or else ill be in a mood with him for the foreseeable future.. Im horrified that he did to be honest. And that he smashed and threw things when i refused? Thats not the person i know and love.

I think everyone knows what its like when you arent in the mood and someone else is. Its difficult. But how he thinks throwing a tantrum will support his cause ill never know. It doesnt help matters that i had a cervical screening two days ago and have been in pain since - which he knows about. So yeah, maybe i wasnt that enthusiastic. But really? Being angry with me about it? Im not sure if im upset or pissed off to be honest.

 

So sorry your brother is in a similar situation, its a horrible thankless position to be in, and alot harder than i anticipated it would be.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for this. Never in a million years would i insist that he performs oral sex or else ill be in a mood with him for the foreseeable future.. Im horrified that he did to be honest. And that he smashed and threw things when i refused? Thats not the person i know and love.

I think everyone knows what its like when you arent in the mood and someone else is. Its difficult. But how he thinks throwing a tantrum will support his cause ill never know. It doesnt help matters that i had a cervical screening two days ago and have been in pain since - which he knows about. So yeah, maybe i wasnt that enthusiastic. But really? Being angry with me about it? Im not sure if im upset or pissed off to be honest.

 

So sorry your brother is in a similar situation, its a horrible thankless position to be in, and alot harder than i anticipated it would be.

 

You were well within your rights to refuse him. Nobody should ever be made to feel forced to perform a sexual act. Him destroying the gift is horrifying too.

 

These are symptoms of a much bigger problem. He will very likely not get better without help, because he's not addressing the underlying grief and anguish. And you are not to be used as his emotional dumping ground.

 

He needs to get into professional care or get out of your house.

[TaraMaiden2]

You were well within your rights to refuse him. Nobody should ever be made to feel forced to perform a sexual act. Him destroying the gift is horrifying too.

 

These are symptoms of a much bigger problem. He will very likely not get better without help, because he's not addressing the underlying grief and anguish. And you are not to be used as his emotional dumping ground.

 

He needs to get into professional care AND get out of your house.

 

Fixed the only part I thought could do with a bit of modification....

[dreamingoftigers]

How long have you been together?