The chemistry you see in movies

[Guitarisgood]

Ok, bear with the inner romantic in me. I've been watching a few rom coms lately (please don't grill me) and one thing that I have noted is that spark you see between the two main characters.

 

First off I'm not after a model. I'm not after some crazy sophisticated girl nor being put through a disney played out story line. What interests me is that 'chemistry'.

 

I'm after that sarcasm, the weird inside jokes, the butting heads and bouncing off each other.

 

But I am a realist. I've dated many and you could say my personality is very similar to the lead male who seems to have a way with people and charm people off their heads. Yet I have just never met a female much like how I explained previously. Personality wise, none of these girls ever amount to anything more nor catch my interest for a fleeting moment.

 

So is it unrealistic to ask or even search for that?

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes (10 characters).

[Fruitee]

Yes and no.

 

It is possible to have perfect chemistry with someone but it don't usually last. It is in the beginning. When everything is new etc.

 

If it lasts then it is work from both ends. It is not something that lasts by itself. You need to work on it. You need to do plenty of things.

 

If you haven't met a woman whos personality interests you maybe you are looking from the wrong place? Or seeking out wrong type of women to have that type of personality?

[xxoo]

I don't think chemistry is something you need to search for, but yes, ime it is real. The real trick is finding it with someone who is also compatible and available!

[Maggie4]

I think you're just looking for a woman with a captivating personality. It is not unrealistic. Don't try looking online because there, the odds work against you.

[MissBee]

I don't think chemistry is something you need to search for, but yes, ime it is real. The real trick is finding it with someone who is also compatible and available!

 

Yep!

 

Chemistry is real. I've definitely met a handful of men with whom I've instantly hit it off, we had the banter, that electric feeling etc..often it didn't last though because chemistry doesn't mean you're compatible or they're even available (emotionally or otherwise).

 

OP, it seems, as someone else pointed out, that you're also just looking for someone whose personality captivates you and intrigues you. That is not a tall order. Its's definitely possible and maybe branching out more in terms of the kind of women you date might help.

[Satu]

Yes (10 characters).

[Popsicle]

No it's not unrealistic, and yes that chemistry is real. I've had it before and wouldn't settle for anything less now.

[Woggle]

Chemistry does exist and it is not unrealistic to look for it but don't use Hollywood as your measuring stick.

[elaine567]

Well it really all depends what you see as "chemistry".

If rom-coms are your template, then soft focus doctored images of "beautiful" people, and witty "off the cuff" humour scripted by top comedy writers, is not really how it happens in real life.

BUT, being highly attracted and feeling a spark can happen and sometimes with the most unlikely subjects too.

[preraph]

It's not realistic to look for most of what you see in the movies, no. But chemistry, though it can be fleeting, can happen between two people, that playful back and forth. If you haven't met any women like that, I would say change the ways and places you're meeting women and diversify. Broaden your interests, take up some new activities. Witty people are usually well read and literate. Maybe seek out some literary activities, even if it's only going to a poetry reading. I honestly haven't seen any chemistry on the screen that I thought was that great in a long time. I thought it was much better in the old 30s and 40s movies. Also I think the pairings are usually nuts, like some guy who acts like a frat buffoon gets some woman way too good for him. But as long as those aren't your expectations and it's personality over looks, then that's good, because really beautiful women sometimes don't have to develop their personalities as much for everything to go their way. A drop-dead gorgeous woman who's been like that her whole life doesn't have much reason to express sarcasm, for example. A woman who's had some obstacles does, because that's how you cope with it if you're a positive person.

[smackie9]

The film industry have these buckets of crap they store in the back lot they use for romantic movies scripts.......

[xxoo]

I'm after that sarcasm, the weird inside jokes, the butting heads and bouncing off each other.

 

But I am a realist. I've dated many and you could say my personality is very similar to the lead male who seems to have a way with people and charm people off their heads. Yet I have just never met a female much like how I explained previously. Personality wise, none of these girls ever amount to anything more nor catch my interest for a fleeting moment.

 

Have you had this sort of banter with any women you are not dating? Just organically with a classmate or coworker, perhaps?

[Otter2569]

I have had it a few times but as you get to know someone reality always seems to rear its ugly head.

 

I met someone on OLD I thought was perfect in just about every way. It was like a move and I felt so lucky and happy in all respects. It was unbelieveable...

 

yes it was unbelievable because she had / has a personality disorder. After a few months this love that you dream about turned into a freaking nightmare of fighting, instability and emotional chaos.

 

I'd like to think it exists...but I am an optimist.

[Otter2569]

So Pop, you know?! I feel the exact same way. It definitely raised the bar and was a game changer. Anything less is almost unacceptable.

[NYC-BigKat]

It's not realistic to look for most of what you see in the movies, no. But chemistry, though it can be fleeting, can happen between two people, that playful back and forth. If you haven't met any women like that, I would say change the ways and places you're meeting women and diversify. Broaden your interests, take up some new activities. Witty people are usually well read and literate. Maybe seek out some literary activities, even if it's only going to a poetry reading. I honestly haven't seen any chemistry on the screen that I thought was that great in a long time. I thought it was much better in the old 30s and 40s movies. Also I think the pairings are usually nuts, like some guy who acts like a frat buffoon gets some woman way too good for him. But as long as those aren't your expectations and it's personality over looks, then that's good, because really beautiful women sometimes don't have to develop their personalities as much for everything to go their way. A drop-dead gorgeous woman who's been like that her whole life doesn't have much reason to express sarcasm, for example. A woman who's had some obstacles does, because that's how you cope with it if you're a positive person.

 

This is true for me since I always have obstacles to overcome like my weight & awkwardness & stuff. I also see this with not so hot girls a lot too u know.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yes and no.

 

It is possible to have perfect chemistry with someone but it don't usually last. It is in the beginning. When everything is new etc.

 

I tend to concur. I've seen these dating profiles "Chemistry must be there!" and I laugh.

 

I do admit though in the past I have experienced this so-called chemistry rarely, and the first time I had experienced it and thought, "Wow, so THIS is what they were talking about when they were referring to chemistry!"

 

Then when I called for a 2nd date, no returned call. So I'm back to my realistic version of myself, dismissing chemistry as fleeting and short-term. That's why I'm more about being "friends first" than the chemistry.

[TaraMaiden2]

Nobody's ever done a follow-up to any of the 'romantic' Walt Disney schmaltzy cartoons have they? Just how did the Sleeping Beauty's marriage end up? And was Cinderella really happy ever after with her Prince Charming? How about Ariel? Was sacrificing her tail worth it in the end? And Princess Jasmine and Aladdin - did their lamp light their fire and keep the spark burning?

 

And not just Disney.

How about all those Rom-Com chick-flicks?

 

When Harry Met Sally?

The Holiday?

Sleepless in Seattle?

 

Yeah, right.

No follow ups. All ending while the chemistry is still blowing the physics out of the water with all that Biology....

[TaraMaiden2]

("Holiday" was utterly unreal and totally mis-cast if you ask me.... Jack Black and Kate Winslet? Gimme a break!)

[Buddhist]

I'm after that sarcasm, the weird inside jokes, the butting heads and bouncing off each other.

 

But I am a realist.

 

So is it unrealistic to ask or even search for that?

 

She exists alright but probably doesn't look the way you imagine her. I have a similar personality to what you describe but unfortunately it comes packaged in hopeless introversion.

 

Which means when someone flirts with me, I don't flirt back. I don't get the concept of flirting much less participate in it. I won't be laughing at jokes, leaning in or touching my hair. I'm far more likely to be giving as good as I get and often my witty banter is best with people I have no sexual attraction to at all. Sexual attraction puts a spanner in the works.

 

Extraverts just don't get me because I don't give them the cues they expect, lots of eye contact and smiling, and do give cues they don't understand. Like being quick to vacate a space if my love interest turns up or just staring from afar. Other introverts however know what's going on and they also know how to play to it. Be alone, in a quiet place where I can happen upon you and strike up a conversation.

 

Extroverts rarely do this and also expect you to flirt/converse with them in front of other people, something introverts prefer not to do. I hate being on display and hate even more the general population knowing I'm attracted to someone. I would rather stick a red hot poker in my eye than approach an extrovert amoung his group of friends and attempt a conversation.

 

However, if you get to know me, or someone like me I can spellbind a man as good as the next girl. It's getting past the introversion that's the hurdle for the vast majority of people. Most extroverted women aren't going to give you the tension you're seeking because they naturally express openly and affectionately to most people. It comes across as being available and that doesn't make for good rom coms.

Edited February 14, 2016 by Buddhist

[Robratory]

Nobody's ever done a follow-up to any of the 'romantic' Walt Disney schmaltzy cartoons have they? Just how did the Sleeping Beauty's marriage end up? And was Cinderella really happy ever after with her Prince Charming?

 

No, no, no... they did! Snow White's prince turned out to be rather a wuss, but she turned out to be a kick-ass warrior in her own right.

[Leigh 87]

I have had the chemistry a few times.

 

It's just a matter of finding it with someone available.

 

That chemistry gives one a lot of hope. Feeling wild attraction to someone that society doesn't deem as "gorgeous " is a wonderful thing.

 

Chemistry is glorious. I've knocked back the hot guy by societies and Hollywoods standards in favour of the short bald guy because I just felt crazy about the guy that other people didn't largely view as hot....... chemistry is therfore a beautiful force.

 

I am cute with a universally popular and well liked body type but I have a big nose and am not gorgeous...... yet it is the most amazing feeling when my boyfriend sees me as so beautiful. Chemistry does that to people. Non gorgeous women and men can find partners who see them as simplly stunning in their eyes. It's wonderful.

 

Chemistry and true compatability is the best thing.

 

I admit I've only felt the chemistry and compatibility once and I am 30.

 

I found that chemistry happened for me often as I am a mysterious introvert and that seemed to generate chemistry for me oftentimes. I just never felt it with available men that fell for me.......

 

It is possible to find chemistry yes. But if you want kids and you're a woman, you may have to settle for non fireworks and the non instant sparks if you want a responsible and highly compatible partner with which to raise a child. It just doesn't happen often (the sizzling chemistry and high compatability).

 

The majority of long term couples didn't get the chemistry like in the movies. They met someone didn't feel the immediate spark but both loved each other's company and grew in each other without wanting to jump each others bones after the first date or two.

 

I know of 1 couple that had the movie fireworks chemistry and true compatability. The rest skipped the movie/Hollywood chemistry in favour of 10/10 compatability and 7/10 slow burn chemistry.

 

Just my experience here.

[Popsicle]

So Pop, you know?! I feel the exact same way. It definitely raised the bar and was a game changer. Anything less is almost unacceptable.

 

Totally!

 

And, yes, I know, I know! It's the greatest.

 

For me, it's always been immediate. The first time we laid eyes on each other, you can feel it. It's electric. Can't take your eyes off each other (which is very awkward before you've actually spoken for the first time, lol). Then after making that first contact, it just takes off like it has a pulse of it's own. Your not in control anymore and it's pure bliss.

 

This only happens when it's mutual. I've had many times where I felt something, but it wasn't mutual so it never went anywhere.

[thecrucible]

I like how Evan Marc Katz defines chemistry. If I can remember correctly, he says that no one has to be a 10/10 chemistry; someone could be a 7/10 chemistry and a 9/10 compatibility and that will lead to a happy relationship.

 

I see chemistry as a feeling which results from conversation flowing easily and a couple sharing similar world views, values, background and intelligence and sometimes hobbies if they are a big part of who you are. This leads you both to feeling that the other inherently 'gets you' on a spiritual level. At the same time, you'll relate to each other in terms of your sociability, sense of humour and relationship style. Relationship style is important to how attraction is felt, and male role models or vice versa probably influence the type of individual you find attractive. For instance, I'm not attracted to cocky idiots but I have always been more strongly attracted to masculine men than the feminine men (each to their own. Masculinity is obviously subjective in itself).

 

Is it finding someone who's a reflection of you? Everyone has their flaws and like can attract like in that sense (I think this plays a part - you identify with similar struggles in life). But many people seek someone who possesses a quality they would like to have themselves. At the same time we reject people who remind us of our own flaws. Sometimes similar people can actually be less attractive and feel too friendly because there is not enough of that conflict of differences to generate a spark.

 

There must be some level of sexual attraction there. For me it isn't directly related to looks although it plays some part. I've been strongly attracted to men who I wouldn't feel lust for when looking at a photograph of them - that's because it's their vibe and energy in person which appeals to me. There are other men and I feel attracted when I see their photo but I don't get the right vibe in person. Chemistry is not wild attraction for me - it's a feeling of romantic comfort with a portion of attraction but not an intense 'I wanna ride you like no tomorrow in a minute' kind of thing.

 

Chemistry isn't necessarily a crap shoot. You can learn techniques to increase your chances of inducing the feeling of a spark in your dating partner. I think most people deserve up to 3 dates for you to assess whether there's anything there. The simplest way is to tune into yourself and just be honest with yourself. The more I do this, the less confused I am. When I am honest with myself, I know when something is there and when it isn't. I don't blame men for rejecting me for this reason in the past as now I can see where they are coming from.

[thecrucible]

For me, it's always been immediate. The first time we laid eyes on each other, you can feel it. It's electric. Can't take your eyes off each other (which is very awkward before you've actually spoken for the first time, lol). Then after making that first contact, it just takes off like it has a pulse of it's own. Your not in control anymore and it's pure bliss.

 

I've experienced that kind of feeling once in my life. Chemistry definitely exists. It was really intense. We couldn't take our eyes off each other. I had a boyfriend at the time so I didn't act on it (but I actually felt tonnes more chemistry with him than that boyfriend). Looking back I wouldn't ignore this and I would definitely think that there either wasn't a strong enough attraction in my relationship or something was amiss in that relationship for this intense interaction with a stranger to occur. I still remember the feeling now - it was hugely intense and absolute bliss as you said.

 

Looking back, I felt incredibly guilty about this boyfriend who I felt I was similar to in personality but there wasn't that spark and then I'd meet men every so often who I felt intense attraction for (it wasn't an old relationship either). I felt so bad that after we broke up I thought that I had to prioritise chemistry from then on. But I went down the wrong path of seeing it in terms of sexual attraction and picked the wrong men. Now I associate it more with your heart beating faster and a feeling of warmth and bliss. It's ineffable.

 

Saying that I don't think anyone should go into a date over-analysing it and thinking "is there chemistry?" as you can really shoot yourself in the foot. I just think you know it instinctively when something is there. It's more about being open to it than looking for it as such.

 

Sorry I am long-winded