How to tell if someone is just looking to sleep around or if they are down for more?

February 14, 2016

Cliche question but after getting myself out there for so many times and each time ended up in a hurting turmoil, I've definitely learned a lot while at the same time not sure how to proceed anymore. I recently checked out one of those new "dating apps" and met a guy on there and started chatting. We seemed to hit it off right off the bat and agreed to a first date. The date was fine, had some laughs, and I could see some common interests there, although I didn't feel a strong spark. He felt sick that night and the date ended a bit abruptly that he had to go home. I almost wanted to write him off but he kept in touch and I figured I probably gotta give people a second chance to get to know them better, so we set up a second date.

I went into the second date with a hunch that he probably had something more than just "hanging out" in mind. We went to a club and after some fun chitchat and a few drinks we went off to the dance floor. Of course things got funny from that point on that we started making out and grinding on each other, etc. He was pretty smooth. I knew he'd bring up going home with me or something toward the end as I started to feel that he was kind of turned on. Not surprisingly he did bring it up, but I tried to be honest and told him that hooking up randomly is just not my thing, and that I need to feel a real connection or something before I can do that, and that I'd done all that before and always ended up getting hurt. I'm sure he was a bit disappointed but he appeared fine and said it's okay no worries, and that we should do it again sometime. I was really being honest that after so much hurting experience, I simply didn't care if the other person got offended anymore as long as I was genuine. I've learned that the right guy would stick around anyways and the wrong guy would just fade out to find the next target.

Anyway, I have no idea what this guy wants and it concerns me a bit, which prompts the question in the title. I'm not looking for a direct answer or something right away, but in some ways I don't trust people on dating apps too much - at least you gotta fill out a profile on a dating website stating your intentions, etc., but the apps nowadays seem to serve the purpose of finding hookups only. Plus, you're chatting with multiple people on there, so who knows how many of them you're sleeping with on the side. I don't have any intention of wasting my time on people with different mindsets or goals anymore; getting to know someone is already a long and arduous process.

February 14, 2016

Cliche question but after getting myself out there for so many times and each time ended up in a hurting turmoil, I've definitely learned a lot while at the same time not sure how to proceed anymore. I recently checked out one of those new "dating apps" and met a guy on there and started chatting. We seemed to hit it off right off the bat and agreed to a first date. The date was fine, had some laughs, and I could see some common interests there, although I didn't feel a strong spark. He felt sick that night and the date ended a bit abruptly that he had to go home. I almost wanted to write him off but he kept in touch and I figured I probably gotta give people a second chance to get to know them better, so we set up a second date.

I went into the second date with a hunch that he probably had something more than just "hanging out" in mind. We went to a club and after some fun chitchat and a few drinks we went off to the dance floor. Of course things got funny from that point on that we started making out and grinding on each other, etc. He was pretty smooth. I knew he'd bring up going home with me or something toward the end as I started to feel that he was kind of turned on. Not surprisingly he did bring it up, but I tried to be honest and told him that hooking up randomly is just not my thing, and that I need to feel a real connection or something before I can do that, and that I'd done all that before and always ended up getting hurt. I'm sure he was a bit disappointed but he appeared fine and said it's okay no worries, and that we should do it again sometime. I was really being honest that after so much hurting experience, I simply didn't care if the other person got offended anymore as long as I was genuine. I've learned that the right guy would stick around anyways and the wrong guy would just fade out to find the next target.

Anyway, I have no idea what this guy wants and it concerns me a bit, which prompts the question in the title. I'm not looking for a direct answer or something right away, but in some ways I don't trust people on dating apps too much - at least you gotta fill out a profile on a dating website stating your intentions, etc., but the apps nowadays seem to serve the purpose of finding hookups only. Plus, you're chatting with multiple people on there, so who knows how many of them you're sleeping with on the side. I don't have any intention of wasting my time on people with different mindsets or goals anymore; getting to know someone is already a long and arduous process.

You seem to think that people approach this with a clear goal in mind, casual sex or a serious committed relationship.

In my experience, both with my actions and actions of my dates, I can assure you this is far too simplified.

I have decided that you should never approach a date with the thought "Is this person going to be the one true love of my live"

That's such an unrealistic set of expectations to put on anyone or yourself.

A date is about having a good time with someone, getting to know them, seeing if you're attracted to them and they to you.

What that leads to, in the short term, is up to the two of you.

Yes, sometimes that leads to sex, maybe sooner than ether of you thought.

Does that mean the person had that as their only goal?

No, certainly not always, certainly not as much as is assumed.

February 14, 2016

Has it occurred to you that guys have no idea what you want, either?

I mean, look at your behaviour.

And I will add, right now, that this isn't a judgement: But you sent out very mixed signals.

You agreed to a second date.

You chose to put yourself in a situation where there was an obvious sexual undercurrent.

That's what dancing is actually all about. It's a mating ritual.

(Look at all the sensational stories that come out of the "strictly Come Dancing" programmes! It's constant scandal over here in the UK - dunno about other locations though....!)

So you bump and grind, get heavy with the sexual innuendo and physical action - then when he ventures to suggest you might like to continue the bump and grind elsewhere - you tell him you're not that kind of girl (in few words) - right after having led him to believe - you're 'that' kind of girl!

That's a tease if ever there was one.

No wonder he might have looked crestfallen....

So behaviour is confusing from the word go - from both quarters.

February 14, 2016

Has it occurred to you that guys have no idea what you want, either?
I mean, look at your behaviour.

And I will add, right now, that this isn't a judgement: But you sent out very mixed signals.
You agreed to a second date.
You chose to put yourself in a situation where there was an obvious sexual undercurrent.
That's what dancing is actually all about. It's a mating ritual.
(Look at all the sensational stories that come out of the "strictly Come Dancing" programmes! It's constant scandal over here in the UK - dunno about other locations though....!)
So you bump and grind, get heavy with the sexual innuendo and physical action - then when he ventures to suggest you might like to continue the bump and grind elsewhere - you tell him you're not that kind of girl (in few words) - right after having led him to believe - you're 'that' kind of girl!

That's a tease if ever there was one.
No wonder he might have looked crestfallen....

So behaviour is confusing from the word go - from both quarters.

Actually it's very common in the social dancing community to have an awesome dancing connection without actually sleeping together.

The unclear women are those who don't want to appear like "that kind of girl" but are having sexual fantasies that translate into their dancing.

February 14, 2016

Actually it's very common in the social dancing community to have an awesome dancing connection without actually sleeping together.

It's also very common for romance and affairs to take place. So it can work both ways and frequently does.

The unclear women are those who don't want to appear like "that kind of girl" but are having sexual fantasies that translate into their dancing.

Hence my referral to her mixed messages......

February 14, 2016

Has it occurred to you that guys have no idea what you want, either?
I mean, look at your behaviour.

And I will add, right now, that this isn't a judgement: But you sent out very mixed signals.
You agreed to a second date.
You chose to put yourself in a situation where there was an obvious sexual undercurrent.
That's what dancing is actually all about. It's a mating ritual.
(Look at all the sensational stories that come out of the "strictly Come Dancing" programmes! It's constant scandal over here in the UK - dunno about other locations though....!)
So you bump and grind, get heavy with the sexual innuendo and physical action - then when he ventures to suggest you might like to continue the bump and grind elsewhere - you tell him you're not that kind of girl (in few words) - right after having led him to believe - you're 'that' kind of girl!

That's a tease if ever there was one.
No wonder he might have looked crestfallen....

So behaviour is confusing from the word go - from both quarters.

Sure, I get that, but there are plenty of people out there who thought they had something intense going on with a random stranger at the bar and then didn't get to go home with them afterwards. I've gone home with people on the second date or after some kind of activity with enough sexual tension before and if I'm lucky I got to see that person a few times more after that, and if not, I simply never heard from them again, which to me, felt like I was played. I simply get attached too easily and can't just fool around with anyone when the moment is right without getting some sort of feelings involved.

I know many people out there consider dating a way to get regular sex. If that's the case it's fine and more power to them. I just can't get into bed with one person and keep it casual and move onto the next guy's bed tomorrow if I had the chance.

February 14, 2016

If you don't like the guy's behavior, YOU need to change yours.

A guy that is interested in a serious relationship, doesn't take you out to clubs to grind on a dance floor. They take you out to dinner, a movie, a play, out for coffee and dessert, so they can sit and talk to you because they want to get to know you.

February 14, 2016

You seem to think that people approach this with a clear goal in mind, casual sex or a serious committed relationship.
In my experience, both with my actions and actions of my dates, I can assure you this is far too simplified.
I have decided that you should never approach a date with the thought "Is this person going to be the one true love of my live"
That's such an unrealistic set of expectations to put on anyone or yourself.
A date is about having a good time with someone, getting to know them, seeing if you're attracted to them and they to you.
What that leads to, in the short term, is up to the two of you.
Yes, sometimes that leads to sex, maybe sooner than ether of you thought.
Does that mean the person had that as their only goal?
No, certainly not always, certainly not as much as is assumed.

It is a good point. I do agree that probably neither of us knows what we want here. After so many heartaches I'm not even sure if I have the guts to get fully involved with someone again so I'm just going to go with the flow.

What got me concerned here is how different this experience has been compared to what I had in the past. Most dates I've had in the past started off with coffee, lunch, dinner, or a drink or two quietly over happy hours. I'm not quite used to going for the club/lounge and dancing scene directly, which seems to have "I'm going to score tonight" only on the agenda.

February 14, 2016

Interested men act interested.

A man interested in getting to know you will not push to get physical straight away, will let you choose the pace of the relationship, will not be all over you in the first week, will not set up three dates in three days in a row nor in the same week. Impatient men looking for hooks ups do.

Oh, men willing to get to know you won't get you intoxicated either - so watch your drinks and don't have long dates.

Basically, if you just listen to him, really listen, you can tell. Not straight away and the message won't be loud and clear, but... you'll be able to tell. Take your time, with the right person, it'll work out smoothly.

February 14, 2016

You seem to think that people approach this with a clear goal in mind, casual sex or a serious committed relationship.
In my experience, both with my actions and actions of my dates, I can assure you this is far too simplified.
I have decided that you should never approach a date with the thought "Is this person going to be the one true love of my live"
That's such an unrealistic set of expectations to put on anyone or yourself.
A date is about having a good time with someone, getting to know them, seeing if you're attracted to them and they to you.
What that leads to, in the short term, is up to the two of you.
Yes, sometimes that leads to sex, maybe sooner than ether of you thought.
Does that mean the person had that as their only goal?
No, certainly not always, certainly not as much as is assumed.

As a late 20s guy, this is exactly my approach to dating. Just because we have sex early on doesn't necessarily disqualify the woman from a relationship.

February 14, 2016

Interested men act interested.

A man interested in getting to know you will not push to get physical straight away, will let you choose the pace of the relationship, will not be all over you in the first week, will not set up three dates in three days in a row nor in the same week. Impatient men looking for hooks ups do.

Oh, men willing to get to know you won't get you intoxicated either - so watch your drinks and don't have long dates.

Basically, if you just listen to him, really listen, you can tell. Not straight away and the message won't be loud and clear, but... you'll be able to tell. Take your time, with the right person, it'll work out smoothly.

Good point. I've also learned to trust my gut feelings, which is totally not an overrated thing, since my gut feelings have never failed at alerting me when something didn't feel right at various stages in the past. Each and every time my gut feelings turned out to be very perceptive and accurate.

I guess in this guy's defense we did - during both dates - spend quite a long time just standing there and talking about all kinds of things to get to know each other, and I could tell that he's paying attention to details. However, dating to me is still an exhausting game. I never know how to really balance between acting interested enough and not THAT interested.

February 14, 2016

well... if you see it like a game, it is a game. If you are just yourself and not try to seem something that you're not, it'll appear and feel a lot less exhausting. You're doing this for yourself, not to impress a stranger. I mean, let's assume you understand the "pretend" game and get yourself a bf, would you like to keep pretending for as long as you date this guy?

I understand anxiety and nerves. That, I totally understand because I'm rather anxious myself. But altering my behavior... it doesn't pay off on the long run. And it kills the joy of dating.

February 14, 2016

Ask questions.

I find it odd when people say they are looking for a relationship/something serious when dating but then ask no questions of the other person and what they're looking for and kind of just carry on with them and then try to guess. This is counterproductive. It's a waste of time.

None of us are mind readers and we also can't always interpret people's actions based on what we would do, so the best thing in dating is to be clear with yourself foremost about what you want and don't want and then also be honest with the person about what you're into and ask them also and look at their actions and responses. That will save you most of the trouble. It' not like you have to do it in a weird way, there are casual ways of asking what the person is looking for and being able to get a real answer. People who want relationships are happy to be forthright about it, people who don't, sometimes they are also very forthright about it, and then you have some folks who are like "I dunno..." "We'll see what happens..." or other ambivalent answers are also telling you that no, they're not really looking for something serious. Chances are too, if you can't tell what they want, it's probably because they don't want more. That's been my experience and it makes sense. Usually people who want more are clear in actions and word and it's not confusing, the ones who don't behave in a more ambivalent manner usually. But all of the guessing can be cleared away by simply having a casual conversation, even on a first date, about what they're looking for.

Edited February 14, 2016 by MissBee

February 14, 2016

As a late 20s guy, this is exactly my approach to dating. Just because we have sex early on doesn't necessarily disqualify the woman from a relationship.

I really needed to hear this coming from a male. I always say just go with the flow. Dating someone doesn't always mean they will end up being your lover for the rest of your life. However, it's bothersome for me when I go on a date with a guy who I'm really physically attracted to and then of course my hormones start running like crazy and then that's when I'm in the mood to have sex with my date. I just worry if I have sex with my date so soon off then the guy isn't going to bother anymore cause then he'll think I'm easy, he'll think I'll have sex with anything that moves, or that I'm not someone you would want to date.

This is what scares me about dating. I worry if I have sex too soon they want nothing to do with me, if I don't have sex too soon I'm not interested. Which the thing is, I'm interested, I just don't wanna be used for sex. I wish that I can just not care but I care.

Hope all of this made sense.

February 14, 2016

As a late 20s guy, this is exactly my approach to dating. Just because we have sex early on doesn't necessarily disqualify the woman from a relationship.

NO, but are you actually looking for "serious" and would that girl who put out on the first date, be the one you would then consider marrying?

Seems to me from previous discussions here, that many men are incredibly liberal about women they would date - all-comers welcome, but when the subject turns to women they would marry, they become far more conservative in their choices.

February 14, 2016

NO, but are you actually looking for "serious" and would that girl who put out on the first date, be the one you would then consider marrying?
Seems to me from previous discussions here, that many men are incredibly liberal about women they would date - all-comers welcome, but when the subject turns to women they would marry, they become far more conservative in their choices.

I would evaluate her other characteristics to make that determination as we continue to date. The point I'm making is that sleeping together on the first date vs 3rd, 5th, 10th date etc. makes no difference to me. The only difference is that I know she's physically attracted to me sooner if we have sex sooner. I think physical attraction and sexual compatibility are very important.

February 14, 2016

LOL I take girls to clubs and get drunk early on when I just wanna have some fun, nothing serious I mean. Thing is he didn't do what I always do. Say what I f*cking want before even meeting in person. So I usually say something like "Just so you know that I just wanna hang out and not looking for something serious. I'm telling you this because I don't wanna make you waste your time and money".

Reactions after that point are priceless, being all of them a hell different

February 14, 2016

I really needed to hear this coming from a male. I always say just go with the flow. Dating someone doesn't always mean they will end up being your lover for the rest of your life. However, it's bothersome for me when I go on a date with a guy who I'm really physically attracted to and then of course my hormones start running like crazy and then that's when I'm in the mood to have sex with my date. I just worry if I have sex with my date so soon off then the guy isn't going to bother anymore cause then he'll think I'm easy, he'll think I'll have sex with anything that moves, or that I'm not someone you would want to date.

This is what scares me about dating. I worry if I have sex too soon they want nothing to do with me, if I don't have sex too soon I'm not interested. Which the thing is, I'm interested, I just don't wanna be used for sex. I wish that I can just not care but I care.

Hope all of this made sense.

What you said here is exactly what I'm thinking, too. That's why dating is a bit exhausting to me. If I'm not interested in someone it'll be all super easy - I usually break it off sooner than later so that nobody's time is wasted and I don't think twice about it; however, if I have even an ounce of interest with someone or at least would like to continue to see how things go, then I can't help but overthink about all the actions I make or everything I say. Ugh.

February 14, 2016

LOL I take girls to clubs and get drunk early on when I just wanna have some fun, nothing serious I mean. Thing is he didn't do what I always do. Say what I f*cking want before even meeting in person. So I usually say something like "Just so you know that I just wanna hang out and not looking for something serious. I'm telling you this because I don't wanna make you waste your time and money".

Reactions after that point are priceless, being all of them a hell different

Well I'd probably appreciate if someone would do what you do - just be open upfront about everyone's needs and intentions here so essentially you're being honest, and it's up to the other person whether they can accept this arrangement or not.

If this guy had told me something along those lines early on, I'd probably just back out. It's not my thing but no harsh feelings.

February 14, 2016

Well I'd probably appreciate if someone would do what you do - just be open upfront about everyone's needs and intentions here so essentially you're being honest, and it's up to the other person whether they can accept this arrangement or not.

If this guy had told me something along those lines early on, I'd probably just back out. It's not my thing but no harsh feelings.

all women would do exactly like you do, if the men interested in hooking up would be spelling it out. There would be no one left for them to hang out and play

. So it is up to you to figure out their thing.

In a way, it is exactly the same thing but in reverse: if a dude wants a serious thing with you, he'll let you know. If he's not spelling it out for you, if he's not consistent about keeping in touch, well... sorry, he doesn't have to say it out loud that he's not that interested. His behavior spells it out for him.

It is a blessing when the dudes say what's on their mind out loud. But as they get older and more experienced, they become better and better at being elusive. However, being elusive is a red flag in itself.

I think... I dunno, men are pretty straightforward. If they like you, they will pick up the phone and call you. Let you know. If they don't like you that much, they won't blow up your phone. Very easy.

Stop overthinking it, relax and enjoy

cheers

Edited February 14, 2016 by candie13

February 14, 2016

Just through experience, I've learned signs to look for which in fact make it obvious that casual is on the cards even though he doesn't mention it. He'll be keen to meet up with you quickly in a bar at night - rather than plan something for another day. When you talk to each other, the conversation will just feel a lot more shallow. He won't ask you very in depth questions about yourself. Then obviously he'll try to accelerate close contact and lead it to the bedroom. He'll try and get you to go back to his place and that sort of thing. Another sign is when a guy asks you on a non-date type of date - like he asks you to join him and his friends for a drink.

I agree with other advice here about trying to set boundaries regarding anything sexually suggestive otherwise the guy's brain connects the dots and he naturally assumes he's in with a chance. It sucks but that's the way it is.

February 14, 2016

I would evaluate her other characteristics to make that determination as we continue to date. The point I'm making is that sleeping together on the first date vs 3rd, 5th, 10th date etc. makes no difference to me. The only difference is that I know she's physically attracted to me sooner if we have sex sooner. I think physical attraction and sexual compatibility are very important.

Hi SwordofFlame, it's interesting to read your point of view. I also think sexual compatibility is highly important and I'm by no means a prude. However lately I've been holding back even when I am genuinely highly attracted to the man. I also don't think it matters when you have sex but I've become more withdrawn because I find it hard to trust most men. Would a man think someone like me was a prude or annoying or that I wasn't attracted to him?

With the last guy something didn't feel right so I didn't let it get to that stage even though I was highly attracted to him. I think my brain wasn't stimulated as much as my body and I find an intellectual connection quite powerful in terms of making me want to get closer to a man.

February 14, 2016

Sexual compatibility is just one detail. One aspect. Of course, extremely important. But I have a LOT of highly demanding criteria before. Am I getting bored talking to him? Is he a decent person? Is he a reliable parter? If the answer to those questions is no, I honestly don't feel like testing his bedroom skills, because he's out already. It's like.. sex is the hard core testing level for the pros. They have to pass level one, first . At least, in my book.

Now, if one's not necessarily for anything meaningful, sex can be on the table, off the table, first or third date... whatever .

February 14, 2016

all women would do exactly like you do, if the men interested in hooking up would be spelling it out. There would be no one left for them to hang out and play . So it is up to you to figure out their thing.

In a way, it is exactly the same thing but in reverse: if a dude wants a serious thing with you, he'll let you know. If he's not spelling it out for you, if he's not consistent about keeping in touch, well... sorry, he doesn't have to say it out loud that he's not that interested. His behavior spells it out for him.

It is a blessing when the dudes say what's on their mind out loud. But as they get older and more experienced, they become better and better at being elusive. However, being elusive is a red flag in itself.

I think... I dunno, men are pretty straightforward. If they like you, they will pick up the phone and call you. Let you know. If they don't like you that much, they won't blow up your phone. Very easy.

Stop overthinking it, relax and enjoy

cheers

True. I've definitely learned from past experience that signs of no interest are usually very obvious. I also agree that it's a blessing if everyone can be more open and honest. I was once highly involved with someone for about two months and it really felt like an exclusive relationship already, yet in the end he told me that he was still hurting from his last breakup and had some unresolved issues that he couldn't continue to date me anymore. I was mad at the moment and wished he'd told me sooner, but in some ways I should probably thank him for at least owning up to me in person and not simply ghosting on me or dragging the whole thing longer just to use me for his own comfort.

February 14, 2016

I would evaluate her other characteristics to make that determination as we continue to date. The point I'm making is that sleeping together on the first date vs 3rd, 5th, 10th date etc. makes no difference to me. The only difference is that I know she's physically attracted to me sooner if we have sex sooner. I think physical attraction and sexual compatibility are very important.

Yeah, interesting perspective. I've once heard of this saying that women look for love and find sex, and men look for sex and find love. Don't know if you'd agree with that?

Sign In

How to tell if someone is just looking to sleep around or if they are down for more?

Recommended Posts

adilaurentis

yxalitis

TaraMaiden2

Alamo657

TaraMaiden2

adilaurentis

smackie9

adilaurentis

candie13

SwordofFlame

adilaurentis

candie13

MissBee

VintageWine

elaine567

SwordofFlame

iphone_user1

adilaurentis

adilaurentis

candie13

thecrucible

thecrucible

candie13

adilaurentis

adilaurentis

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...