and Hurt

[oceans1223]

I was seeing a guy for maybe a year, just casually. We would hang out at my house and watch movies and go to the club and party. Finally, he asked me to be in a relationship. I was hesitant because I knew I was moving soon, but I really liked him and decided to say ye.

 

For the first month I didn't even see him, as I was in another state. When I got back everything was great, but we did not have sex all that much and I was not in love with him so I ended up sleeping with someone else else while on a trip to Europe. He found out and was really hurt. He stayed with me though and everything seemed fine. I still had hesitations about him because he is young (20) and I am 25. In our 4th month together he got sick and we stopped having sex. I decided at this point to either walk away or commit to helping him get better. I think it was during this time that I fell in love with him.

 

We lived together for another month after him getting better. I then moved to another state for my work. About two weeks after leaving, he started telling me that he wanted to "give another guy that he had feelings for a chance." I knew this would involve sex and the idea of him sleeping with someone else hurt me in a way that I've never been hurt. After a week of trying with his guy he came back and told me that he was in love with me. He also admitted to cheating on me very early on during our relationship with this same individual. I flew out to be with him and we had the most intense sex I've ever had in my life.

 

Then after flying back to go to work and flying back to see him, we had a bad weekend and he broke up with me over the phone, "I need to be single and figure myself out" is what he told me. I became terribly depressed and ended up quitting me new job to go back and fix things with him only to find out that he had started a relationship with this other guy immediately after breaking up with me on the phone. After going back to talk to talk with him in person he admitted himself that he has stronger feelings for me and feels a stronger connection with me. But he refused to leave the other guy because he said that I am "too good at hiding emotion" and that the other guy is more vulnerable with him. I also said that he wants to "spend his life with me" but is scared. He said that he wants to "give the other guy a chance" so that he can "make a fair decision."

 

He has been with the other guy for three months now. We have not spoken for just over a month and I have no way of contacting him. He has fully blocked me out of everything. What do I do?

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[ExpatInItaly]

You move on.

 

Your relationship with him wasn't ever solid. It's time to just let go.

[Zahara]

It's over. You need to move on.

 

It would be best to invest your energy in looking for a new job and using that as a way to distract you. It's a start.

[oceans1223]

I got a new job and start in one week. I still have feelings for him. I have been dating and seeing new people but nothing compares to what I felt for him. I am scared that I will never feel the same way about another guy. He is young and said that he wants to "be with this guy for RIGHT NOW." Do you think he will ever come back?

[K2z]

He's a flake who knows you have a revolving door policy. The path of least pain for you -- although it may not seem that way -- is to completely sever, cauterize, and focus exclusively on yourself and other prospects. Much worse pain awaits if you re-engage with this one.

[oceans1223]

What is a revolving door policy? I am not use to any of this relationship stuff. I am 26 and have had a boyfriend for a total of one year and 2 months of my life, with three different guys. I am use to sleeping around and never having an emotional attachment, so this is really new and really hard on me.

[Zahara]

I got a new job and start in one week. I still have feelings for him. I have been dating and seeing new people but nothing compares to what I felt for him. I am scared that I will never feel the same way about another guy. He is young and said that he wants to "be with this guy for RIGHT NOW." Do you think he will ever come back?

 

No one can answer that question for you. You have to work with what's at hand in that he doesn't want to be with you. Accept that it is over. It's normal to wonder and possibly hope but as you push forward, your emotions will settle.

 

"Never" is a defeatist attitude. Honestly, you're 26. Do you think that in the coming decades of your life, this will be the one and only guy you'll ever feel for? It's unrealistic. Don't limit yourself. "Never" thoughts are just a result of you feeling sad and low.

[oceans1223]

I've literally slept with and been around approximately 300 dudes (Don't judge, I fly for a living so I am constantly in new places with new people to mess around with.) This one is the first to make me feel this way. I dated a doctor for 8 months. Smart, good looking, my age, good to me and I couldn't wait to get away from him by the end of it. He would take me back in a second if I asked, but I would never want that. No feelings what so ever. 4 months of being around this last one and BOOM, heartbroken and crying daily for 2 months solid.

Edited February 15, 2016 by oceans1223

[K2z]

What is a revolving door policy?

 

By that I mean he knows he can enter and exit your life with impunity... and will thus continue to do so at his convenience. The exit pain will grow exponentially with each episode, and each episode will contribute to the near certainty that you will eventually separate for good.

[oceans1223]

Is his new relationship considered a rebound? Or were we not together long enough? We had an intense relationship while it did last. We once had a fight that involved the police when I took him to Hawaii. I don't mean to be arrogant, but I know that I am the most attractive guy he has ever dated, including the one he is with now. He would always show off pics of me to his friends and ask me to take off my shirt while around his friends. I think I make him insecure. One of the last times we met, he cited the fact that he was always scared of me flirting with other people while we were together. It just pisses me off because he is the only boy I want to flirt with.

[oceans1223]

"By that I mean he knows he can enter and exit your life with impunity... and will thus continue to do so at his convenience. The exit pain will grow exponentially with each episode, and each episode will contribute to the near certainty that you will eventually separate for good."

 

 

Well, if he comes back for another round he is going to have to work for it. I will be living in a new city by then and there is no way that I am going to help him get to me. I still have feelings for him, but I am also to a point where I am pissed off enough to make him work for any reunion. He can find his own way to my new doorstep if he wants another chance.

[BeFierce]

I have a friend who was in this problem. He told her I need to give the other girl )whom cheated on him several times with his friends,) a chance and find myself. well my friend became the side chick, and he married the sleazy girl. He threw the sleazy girl a huge wedding, and my friend gets nothing, except sex every blue moon.....the worst part she still believes he will come to his senses and one day marry her....11 years have passed and he still treats her like a side chick...

 

so my advice to you is forget his a$$ lol

[oceans1223]

He already cheated on the new guy with me. Ha. At least I have that point in my side I am not in contact with him anymore. I don't plan to make contact with him in the future

Edited February 15, 2016 by oceans1223

[BeFierce]

I've literally slept with and been around approximately 300 dudes (Don't judge, I fly for a living so I am constantly in new places with new people to mess around with.) This one is the first to make me feel this way. I dated a doctor for 8 months. Smart, good looking, my age, good to me and I couldn't wait to get away from him by the end of it. He would take me back in a second if I asked, but I would never want that. No feelings what so ever. 4 months of being around this last one and BOOM, heartbroken and crying daily for 2 months solid.

 

but what made him different than the other ones? lol

[oceans1223]

BeFierce,

 

I don't know. I guess we just had a flirt and a chemistry that made me happy. It also felt good to fly him around and make him feel special.

[K2z]

Sounds like you've got your head on more or less straight about things. As long as you're not a doormat.

[BeFierce]

Why did it feel good to make him feel special while on the other hand you could careless to make the doctor feel special. Lol sorry I ask, but your life sounds so interesting. Anyway it sounds like you liked the role of taking care of someone. You took care of him while he was sick, and your feelings developed for him. Maybe it was the first time you truly nurtured someone and you enjoyed it? I'm not sure I'm just throwing it out there.

 

P.S You said he was always asking you to take your shirt off for his friends. It sounds like he paraded you as his trophy bf. Shallow much? lol Maybe he was just using you for looks and you didn't fit his idea of a partner that he had in mind. So it's not that you werent enough, but just that he wanted different things.

[oceans1223]

Yeah I definitely took the role of caretaker, and that was something I enjoyed and miss now. It helped me to see how far along I had come in life. I was broke and homeless at age 22 and by age 25 I had more money than I needed, a multi million dollar aviation career rolling and the ability to make his life better than it was without me in it. I think I miss that feeling more than him. I mean yeah, he is pretty and we could flirt like crazy, but Hey, there are a ton of gay 20 year olds with pretty hair that I can fly around the country, right? Ha.

[BeFierce]

There ya go. Now you know what quality you want a person to have in a relationship. Someone who allows you to nurturer them. So it wasn't him that made you sad, but missing the feeling of being a nurturer.

[oceans1223]

I guess I shouldn't panic so much. He is young and to expect him to stick around for a long time isn't fair. When I was that age I jumped from guy to guy week by week. It just hurts to know that he is basically living with the new guy full time. A friend had his younger boyfriend leave him, too, only to return after dating and being with a bunch of other guys. Such is life.

 

 

The doctor was too nice and wasn't ever a challenge. I think when someone is always a sure thing they lose their value. As sad as that sounds.

Edited February 15, 2016 by oceans1223

[BeFierce]

"The doctor was too nice and wasn't ever a challenge. I think when someone is always a sure thing they lose their value. As sad as that sounds."

 

I've had that thought cross my mind before. I've met a guy before who was so nice and overly optimistic about everything and always forwarding me inspirational quotes. Many times he would respond to me with a quote that didnt have anything to do with the conversation and it just lost value. He lost value himself, because he didnt know how to deliver He also didnt know how to playfully banter and just came across as cheesy, lame, and so cliche. His personality wasn't appealing, your doctor was the same perhaps. Had the doctor or the quotes guy had a more appealing personality,maybe then we would've found them more desirable.

 

so if the doctor had a desirable personality-perhaps even a personality identical to that of the 20 yr old and was a sure thing- would he still have lost appeal to you? Isn't ti better to have someone who has a desirable personality and is certain that they want to be with you , instead of someone who is unsure?

[oceans1223]

Logically, yes. But logic doesn't seem to apply here. I want the guy who treated me badly back so bad that it hurts.

[BeFierce]

oceans1223 you can end this suffering lol. Surely you havent been sad 24/7, there must be moments in your every day life that make you happy without him being there- such as working out, watching a movie etc. This just proves you can be happy without him and don't need him. Maybe you just want an affirmation from him that you are the greatest thing he ever had in his life, because you healed him while he was sick and took him places he's never been to before. But because he chose the other guy, you are not being affirmed that. So you are wondering what's wrong with you. What does the other guy have that you don't have. lol Well let me tell you this, it's not about you or the other guy. You might find the cure for cancer, and he still might not think anything of it. Maybe seeing his boyfriend do something stupid as beating a difficult level at a video game is incredible to him. You don't need the abuser's affirmation or opinion about you. You just miss him, because you think if he was there, your life would be happier? Maybe if he came back he would just keep making you feel insecure and unloved even more.

[oceans1223]

The other guy is older, less attractive and less successful(just being honest) What he offers is the ability to be around more than I can. I made the terrible mistake of looking at his Instagram tonight. He posted a picture of himself in his new boyfriends apartment. He looks so cute. I feel as though I am being punished for my mistakes. The fact that it's Valentine's Day is an extra slap in the face. Everyone has sex on Valentine's Day.

[oceans1223]

He unblocked me on Instagram the other day. What should I do. He can still view my pics while having me blocked. He has opened up a form of communication.