stillyoung Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2+ years (we're in our 40's). I am a working single mom with 2 younger kids and am always pressed for time. He and his first wife never had kids and she didn't work. They were very close and did almost everything together, also she ran everything so she did all the driving, all the household management, etc. We have an ever-present issue that is pulling us apart. He always wants to see more of me (which I understand) but gets moody and angry if I don't have enough time for him. If he comes over on weekdays and I am trying to rush home, get groceries, feed the kids, help with homework or activities, and there is not much time for him, he will get kind of mad. Or if I have to cancel on something because something comes up (with work, kids etc), he will be mad. Not just upset, but angry. I think disappointed, sad, upset even, are OK, but I just feel very uncomfortable with the angry part. He says, well I get my hopes up to see you and we have so little time together, so he thinks his feelings are appropriate. He says at this stage of a relationship he should expect a certain minimum level of time together. That I am not taking the relationship seriously for someone who says they are committed (we have discussed long term.) Because of all the stresses in my life, I also occasionally need downtime, even 15 min of no one bothering me. If he comes over and says, let's talk, let's go have dinner, whatever, and I say, just give me 10 min to rest, I just got home, he says it's rude, he just got there, I must not think he's important enough to even give time to him first, then go rest later. If on a random Tuesday I manage to find time with some mom friends, he says you have some free time, why couldn't you have spent that time with me? Latest example, we planned to have dinner yesterday. (I actually planned it, got a babysitter, and drove to his place - he got the restaurant) I was running later than I thought, but still in time for the restaurant, but he was mad when I showed up and said, isn't he important enough to get there early like I originally said, he had had some extra nice things planned. but the end result was he was angry and we went to eat anyway but of course it was not pleasant. He insisted how disrespectful I was to him and so he was trying to "get me back" by ruining the dinner. I wished he was just happy to see me, dinner or not. I never really had that dynamic in relationships before, that getting-back at someone thing. I've done high school before, I don't need that kind of drama. I've told him maybe he should look for someone that can be more devoted, someone with no job and grown kids. But neither of us wants to break up. But time together isn't so pleasant any more because of the resentments that are building up, him feeling neglected and me not liking feeling that I "owe" someone time. I'm looking for a way to communicate better or just get back to enjoying each other's company.
SomeDude16 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I've told him maybe he should look for someone that can be more devoted, someone with no job and grown kids. But neither of us wants to break up. But time together isn't so pleasant any more because of the resentments that are building up, him feeling neglected and me not liking feeling that I "owe" someone time. No one ever wants to break up but it's just a part of dating. You are making an effort to be inclusive of him, however he is not reciprocating that effort. He's 40, either he can grow up and get with the program or it just won't work. You and your kids are more important than his neediness. I get the sense you know the direction you must take here... 1
Author stillyoung Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 Is that the right word, neediness? I just can't pin it down what he wants or if I am doing anything wrong. I have insecurities of being divorced so I never know if I am doing something wrong, like being selfish, etc. He's been pushing to get married for a long time. But I say, marriage isn't going to change anything, if you don't like how I am now, you won't like it any more later. I still will want downtime and still be busy. I would really love to make it work with him (there are lots of good qualities) but I don't want to get stuck trying to "change" someone. But is insisting they act in a mature way really trying to change them?
startingagain15 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 That's a tough one. If at his age he isn't capable of seeing how important it is that you're kids are the priority right now I'd be afraid it's not going to get any better. He sounds kind of immature/self-centered about the situation. Maybe have a serious one on one conversation stressing that at this point in your life your kids have to come first, it doesn't reflect on how you feel about him, but you can't ignore the needs of your children to pacify his neediness. See if he's able to see your side and lighten up on making you feel guilty and pouting. I'm 40 with 4 kids under 13. BF (46) knows that my kids always have to come first right now. Last night was supposed to be a nice night for us but dd woke up sick so it had to be cut short, he is totally understanding and knows that kids get sick and I can't do anything about it.
Author stillyoung Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 Well he's pretty good about having the kids come first in general, he does take them kid-friendly places and sits through school events and the like. He does have some valid points about us not having enough grown-up time together without the kids. And he is mostly the one that travels to our house, because I have the constraints like I can't keep the kids out late on school nights. It's just he has this weird way of really coming down hard if something doesn't go like he expected, like the dinner example. He was saying, well you were late, you originally said you'd be here at x oclock. I did call when I realized we were running late, but that didn't seem to matter. Or one weekend we were away with the kids and a huge snowstorm was predicted. I decided I wanted to leave Sat. night to avoid getting snowed in. He was very upset and said I ruined the weekend, so what if the kids would miss school a day or two, it would be the greatest thing if we were all snowed in with the fireplace going - all I could think was there was no food, kids missing school, me missing work. Sometimes I feel I am just a placeholder for a fantasy. Is it possible to get someone like that to see the other side? It is a great weight to have someone be mad at you a lot. But I would like to try to get us to find a middle ground because of the good things. As many people say, the good times are pretty good...
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