Having two partners at the same time

[Miss Peach]

How does the trust work in them? I don't get that part in these types.

 

I'm assuming you're referring to sexual relations? In poly cases it's very upfront and open. Boundaries are usually agreed to. I have found things to be more in the open than what I have typically seen in monogamous relationships.

 

However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly.

Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship.

 

I've known several people in these arrangements - poly, swinging, etc. I've also been in an open relationship and have dated people in them.

 

Yes it can be love. Think of it this way... if I love you, my child, my mother, etc. they are all love. Just because I love someone else it doesn't take my love away from you.

 

It's a bit more challenging in some ways because you need to take other people into account but it is possible for quite some time.

 

I've never seen a polygamous relationship succeed in my 34 years on this planet. I heard it could be stressful and takes a toll on people's emotions. It is what it though. Live and let live.

 

The ones I've seen break up broke up to reasons other than jealousy or sharing. For example one was due to a drinking problem.

[Miss Peach]

What's the quality of the trust? It can't be a high trust relationship, can it?

 

Like if you expect your partner to be home. You know they have 2 other people on the side. The partner says he'll be late but says he's not with anyone. Can they be trusted for that?

 

Also in other areas - trust that they will keep their word in doung things. Simple things, running errands.

 

Have you experienced exerything fine with that or were there fundamental trust issues?

 

This is an issue in poly or monogamous relationships. People have to match with your values and expectations.

 

The difference is that if you're with someone honest who you trust, you know they are out with that other person. It's not something that's hidden like in an affair. You have already worked out what things are OK and you have the communication to discuss issues as they come up.

[yxalitis]

Good discussion, but I still think that if you love someone, I mean, to stay with them for 20-30 years, what i'm going to romantically label "true love", you wouldn't tolerate them dividing THEIR love between you and someone else, and similarly wouldn't want to fraction off part of you time with them, to be with someone else...

 

I think poly relationships as discussed, here, are about SEXUAL freedom, and have little to do with true, deep, long lasting love.

 

Poly/swinging/open are all about being free to have sex with multiple partners, and nothing about LOVING multiple partners.

[jen1447]

Ok, bit of begging the question here but I get you now.

 

What's the quality of the trust? It can't be a high trust relationship, can it?

 

It's entirely trusting bc you go into it disclosing the rules so to speak - I'm in a R with a-b-c, you're in a R with d and e, they're in a R with f, etc. There's really no reason to lie about anything when it's all laid out anyway. So the trust is pretty much automatic.

 

Like if you expect your partner to be home. You know they have 2 other people on the side. The partner says he'll be late but says he's not with anyone. Can they be trusted for that?

 

Yes. Why would they lie about being w/someone I already know they have a relationship with?

 

Also in other areas - trust that they will keep their word in doung things. Simple things, running errands.

 

Yes. Why wouldn't they lol?

 

Have you experienced exerything fine with that or were there fundamental trust issues?

 

Everything's been absolutely fine so far!

 

There are of course mundane issues that all romantic relationships have - not saying poly is somehow immune from that - but none of the basic trust issues you seem to think are paramount. Trust is actually easier in poly arrangements.

[yxalitis]

Trust is actually easier in poly arrangements.

That's like saying: "I have Faith in God" when God openly walks the Earth and performs miracles daily...(I can't think of a better analogy!)

 

There are no trust issues, because there is nothing to trust!

 

You KNOW that everyone is screwing other people, you can't say that "trust isn't an issue, when it's simply not applicable!

[health]

Ok, bit of begging the question here but I get you now.

 

 

 

It's entirely trusting bc you go into it disclosing the rules so to speak - I'm in a R with a-b-c, you're in a R with d and e, they're in a R with f, etc. There's really no reason to lie about anything when it's all laid out anyway. So the trust is pretty much automatic.

 

 

 

Yes. Why would they lie about being w/someone I already know they have a relationship with?

 

 

 

Yes. Why wouldn't they lol?

 

 

 

Everything's been absolutely fine so far!

 

There are of course mundane issues that all romantic relationships have - not saying poly is somehow immune from that - but none of the basic trust issues you seem to think are paramount. Trust is actually easier in poly arrangements.

 

That's interesting. I think the trust is there but different compared to monogamous relationships.

 

I've never been in a polygamous relationship, but kinda flirted with the idea. This girl I know is flirty with my friend and me. Talking sex all the time. I would care if my friend and me dated her at the same time. Heck maybee even had a threesome. The thing is, even though she's very attractive. I dkn't think about her much. If I did date her, I really wouldn't fight for her. It'd just be a thing to have.

 

In a one on one relationship. I think about the girl when I'm not with her. Adore her, am focused on her, and know she's focused on me presumably.

 

One on one is more meaningful to me.

 

You do make an excellent point on trust. If that type of trust flows in monogamous relationdhips, I think that's the best scenario.

 

I had a question for the guy who said he knew someone who had two wives and ran a businesd - how old was he when he died? Was everyone happy? Were anyone alcoholics? Did they leave solid legacies?

[jen1447]

^ I think you mean "polyamorous relationship." Polygamy is when a man has more than one wife.

 

That's like saying: "I have Faith in God" when God openly walks the Earth and performs miracles daily...(I can't think of a better analogy!)

 

There are no trust issues, because there is nothing to trust!

 

You KNOW that everyone is screwing other people, you can't say that "trust isn't an issue, when it's simply not applicable!

 

Really don't know what this means ....

 

If you're saying the only form of trust is w/regard to fidelity, that's mistaken. We all (not just poly ppl) have to trust ppl to care for our hearts, etc. List goes on. So no, you don't get a clean slate w/someone just by removing the possible cheating component.

 

Poly ppl specifically don't have to worry about the conventional 'stepping out' bc there's no pretense of not doing that to begin with (altho most poly situations don't allow for rampant screwing of anyone anywhere), but that's about the only advantage. It makes trust simpler and easier but it doesn't eliminate the need for it altogether.

[Otter2569]

Jen, how do you do it? I mean, keep that arrangement going and set the ground rules and expectations? What happens if one or more want to get serious with you?

 

Ive got three or four women circling around. Two former GF's (not the crazy ex gf) and two new. Its all fun and games at the moment but most want a relationship or to be exclusive. One came out and said nothing will happen unless we are together (I think I know what she means?).

 

My advise so far is to be honest about what you want and lay down your expectations. They can leave if they don't like it.

[TheBathWater]

I know that the word is full of variety in the way people need love, sex, affection etc.

There are outright wild-sex swingers, polygamous arrangements, open relationships...groups of friends who group sex...etc etc.

 

However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly.

Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship.

 

I know people can flit about whïle "single" but I'm not referring to that, I mean a long-term arrangement where one person alternates between two other people, and considers both to be their partner, each of whom they are having a relationship with.

 

I'm not talking about cheating, all people involved know about each other, and accept the situation.

 

If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works?

Can this truly last?

Can this be called love?

 

Surely one person is going to secretly hope to be the only one, and accepting the situation as the only way to stay with the other person, hiding their jealousy.

 

I will add that this is a hypothetical, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I love suggesting this arrangement, I'd simply say "nope", and leave.

 

Curiously yours...

 

My own understanding is that it is possible but that it is actually FAR more difficult and challenging than a monogamous relationship. A relationship between just two people is hard enough as it is.

 

The fact is that whether or not you prefer monogamy or non-monogamy, love is the messiest thing in the world and there are going to be all kinds of conflicts in both scenarios that involve two and more people.

 

I really do believe that what it comes down to in the end is maturity, honesty, vulnerability, knowing who you are and what you want, and commitment to a joint path. Very very very few people can accomplish all of this, and even then, many of those who do are doing so with vast degrees of doubt and insecurity.

[Jabron1]

I think that in poly relationships, there is always someone that is accepting less than what they really want.

 

Perhaps it's a man being a cuckold and not having the self-respect to walk away, or it could be a woman that is hooked on an alpha male that has to accept his other women.

 

As a man, I wouldn't accept it as a long term relationship that I took seriously enough to invest in.

[yxalitis]

I think that in poly relationships, there is always someone that is accepting less than what they really want.

 

Perhaps it's a man being a cuckold and not having the self-respect to walk away, or it could be a woman that is hooked on an alpha male that has to accept his other women.

 

As a man, I wouldn't accept it as a long term relationship that I took seriously enough to invest in.

Yeah, this is pretty much what i think too, one of the people is in a position of power, incredibly beautiful, highly sexual, powerful, and the others are orbiters.

I think Jen is one of these people, and yes, perhaps she's smart enough to identify when one of her cast is in too deep, but I can't believe no one in that complicated tangle of relationships isn't just a little jaded and resentful, who really wished they were the only one.

 

And again, this is about sex, and sexual freedom, not about love and commitment.

 

I don't need to have sex with multiple partners to achieve sexual satisfaction, and I for sure prefer commitment and love to screwing around within a group of people.

[jen1447]

Jen, how do you do it? I mean, keep that arrangement going and set the ground rules and expectations? What happens if one or more want to get serious with you?

 

They're all serious w/me, Otter. Otherwise you do it the way you do any relationship, just x whatever.

 

I think that in poly relationships, there is always someone that is accepting less than what they really want.

 

That's not so.

 

I think Jen is one of these people, and yes, perhaps she's smart enough to identify when one of her cast is in too deep, but I can't believe no one in that complicated tangle of relationships isn't just a little jaded and resentful, who really wished they were the only one.

 

And again, this is about sex, and sexual freedom, not about love and commitment.

 

One of my favorite things is when ppl say they know better than me what I'm thinking and what my life's like.

[health]

Can someone name one person in the public eye in recent hitory who had a poly relationship? Who actually left a beautiful and inspiring life legacy?

 

I can't.

 

If anyone can let me know.

 

I think alot of poly amorous or polygamous relationships involve alot of fun, pleasure and personal satisfaction - which being the core in one's life - can potentially waste a person's life similar to that of drug addicts.

[smackie9]

I would be down for two BFs....more stuff would get done around the house lol.

[health]

Like I can't see people building great careers and families with a poly relationship being at the core.

 

In contrast I've seen abundant success in monogamous relationships - career, health and family wise.

[central]

Like I can't see people building great careers and families with a poly relationship being at the core.

 

In contrast I've seen abundant success in monogamous relationships - career, health and family wise.

 

In line with some of your negative thinking about poly, perhaps this is because those particular monogamous people are so sexually frustrated and emotionally starved that their career and children take all their focus, instead of their romantic relationship.

 

BTW, there are research studies that show that poly relationships - and even swingers - have happier, healthier sex lives and are as/more content with their relationships than mono people. There is no significant downside, if you learn to manage the complexities of poly relationships, just as healthy mono relationships have no significant downside.

[SoleMate]

If often seems these "what about poly?" threads get sidetracked by partisans on either side taking swipes.

 

You know, things like:

 

* Poly r/s are all empty shams filled with misery and doomed to fail"

 

* "Monog r/s are only necessary for small-minded, jealous, possessive people"

 

How about this as an idea instead? Whatever r/s modality makes sense to you and feels deeply right....is the one that's right for YOU. If poly is right for you, you probably already know that without needing to ask the question, or defend your choice on the Internet (or take swipes at the non-poly). Likewise monogamy.....

 

I really appreciate it when anyone discussing their own choices can do it without taking those jabs at people making a different, but still legitimate, choice.

[Miss Peach]

In contrast I've seen abundant success in monogamous relationships - career, health and family wise.

 

I've seen people in poly relationships with this too.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much what i think too, one of the people is in a position of power, incredibly beautiful, highly sexual, powerful, and the others are orbiters.

I think Jen is one of these people, and yes, perhaps she's smart enough to identify when one of her cast is in too deep, but I can't believe no one in that complicated tangle of relationships isn't just a little jaded and resentful, who really wished they were the only one.

 

And again, this is about sex, and sexual freedom, not about love and commitment.

 

I don't need to have sex with multiple partners to achieve sexual satisfaction, and I for sure prefer commitment and love to screwing around within a group of people.

 

With poly there can be love and seriousness with all involved. One of my friends is in a poly relationship right now and they are in love. The guy (not my friend) is married. Everything is out in the open and agreed upon. Both relationships are serious to the guy.

 

Swinging is typically just sex and sexual freedom. I know people in both circles.

[health]

In line with some of your negative thinking about poly, perhaps this is because those particular monogamous people are so sexually frustrated and emotionally starved that their career and children take all their focus, instead of their romantic relationship.

 

BTW, there are research studies that show that poly relationships - and even swingers - have happier, healthier sex lives and are as/more content with their relationships than mono people. There is no significant downside, if you learn to manage the complexities of poly relationships, just as healthy mono relationships have no significant downside.

 

I can see your point how some invest more in their carerrs and kids because they aren't satisfied in their love relationships.

 

What I'm talking about is monogamous couples who are passionate in their sex lives - and carry that into an overall well balanced life.

 

Putting all of ones focus into a romantic relationship - poly or mono - sounds great on paper - but we've all seen the reality of what really happens. An imbalanced life.

 

I just feel balacing a family and one love relationship is enough, adding more people to me is adding more parts and complexity.

 

I don't mean to put poly relationships down. Sorry if it comes off like that. If it works for anyone here do your thing.

[central]

I don't mean to put poly relationships down. Sorry if it comes off like that. If it works for anyone here do your thing.

 

Thank you. I was in a very long term monogamous relationship previously, and while that particular relationship was a mess, I do see many wonderful monogamous relationships. I am now in a poly/open relationship, but most of the time it has just been the two of us (effectively monogamous, but our attitude remains poly). We have one of those rare, fairy-tale-wonderful relationships by any measure, whether mono or poly. Nothing is missing when it's just the two of us being essentially monogamous, but when we do have serious long term poly partner(s), something wonderful is added. Yes, it's more complicated at times, but it's also very worth it.

[joseb]

I think alot of poly amorous or polygamous relationships involve alot of fun, pleasure and personal satisfaction

 

Yeah. Heaven forbid anyone would have a fun pleasurable and personally satisfying life. I mean, that would be so terrible.

[yxalitis]

One of my favorite things is when ppl say they know better than me what I'm thinking and what my life's like.

 

Just accept it Jen, things will go easier.

[health]

Yeah. Heaven forbid anyone would have a fun pleasurable and personally satisfying life. I mean, that would be so terrible.

 

Sarcastic much? lol

 

Pleasure and fun is important. What I'm talking about is something else. Where that pleasure and fun become the core of life. To me these "Poly" relationships look great on the outside - but what we never see is what happens to the individual, their own effectiveness in life and the impact multiple partners has on all they're relationships.

 

Like if a relative of mine was in a "poly" relationship, I think I'd be too embarrassed to bring that up to anyone.

 

I actually think that constantly getting involved in polygamous relationships that last long - months, years, decades actually can waste a person's life.

 

Again - I haven't seen any successful polygamous relationships in my 34 years of existence.

 

All I've read about are the ones stated here - and I don't really know any details - especially if these were contributing people who had their life's gifts and talents developed. That's the core thing I'd like to know about these people - were their talents developed - and even recognized?

 

I think "Poly" relationships tend to cause a lot of emotional confusion.

I also think that adding more people in partnerships is an attempt to fill some void. The thing is that instead of doing it with drugs, alcohol or food - they're doing it with people.

 

This one woman I know cheated on her husband of 14 years to be with a co-worker. So she left the marriage and broke a family apart.

 

She dated the co-worker for 5 years until he wanted to introduce more women into the relationship.

 

She didn't want that so they broke up. She was in her 40s and developed a cocaine habit. She then lost a great job, her condo and was on the verge of suicide.

 

The last I heard of her she was dating a junkie and was pretty much on the streets.

 

Another similar story. This family friend was sleeping with his wife's sister. Not really poly but hey he introduced someone new in the relationship.

 

They got caught. He felt incredibly guilty. He ended up killing himself - leaving behind a young daughter. The two sisters are left in the end - and actually are on good terms with each other, but honestly what a mess.

 

I think Poly amorous/polygamous relationships are borderline affairs/ open relationships which look great on the outside, but have some very scary consequences attached to them.

[joseb]

Sarcastic much? lol

 

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist!