yxalitis Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I know that the word is full of variety in the way people need love, sex, affection etc. There are outright wild-sex swingers, polygamous arrangements, open relationships...groups of friends who group sex...etc etc. However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly. Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship. I know people can flit about whïle "single" but I'm not referring to that, I mean a long-term arrangement where one person alternates between two other people, and considers both to be their partner, each of whom they are having a relationship with. I'm not talking about cheating, all people involved know about each other, and accept the situation. If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works? Can this truly last? Can this be called love? Surely one person is going to secretly hope to be the only one, and accepting the situation as the only way to stay with the other person, hiding their jealousy. I will add that this is a hypothetical, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I love suggesting this arrangement, I'd simply say "nope", and leave. Curiously yours...
central Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works? YES Can this truly last? YES I've heard of some that have lasted 40 years. My own experience have included two such relationships, of 3 years and 5 years. Can this be called love? YES Surely one person is going to secretly hope to be the only one, and accepting the situation as the only way to stay with the other person, hiding their jealousy. NO That's scarcity thinking. Not everyone is possessive, jealous, or fearful. In bold above. 2
Author yxalitis Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 In bold above. Which were you...? The one, or one of the two? And golly gee whiz gosh, could you give some details?
central Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I was the one, but one of my two others also had another. If you want to understand how this can work, google some articles about polyamory, read forums on polyamory web sites, or read books such as "More Than Two." The variety of arrangements is essentially unlimited.
Author yxalitis Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 I was the one, but one of my two others also had another. If you want to understand how this can work, google some articles about polyamory, read forums on polyamory web sites, or read books such as "More Than Two." The variety of arrangements is essentially unlimited. Thanks... My thoughts are still that in some way at least one the involved parties is compromising their true desires by accepting 50% of that which they want 100% But of course it's not for everyone.
Redhead14 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I know that the word is full of variety in the way people need love, sex, affection etc. There are outright wild-sex swingers, polygamous arrangements, open relationships...groups of friends who group sex...etc etc. However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly. Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship. I know people can flit about whïle "single" but I'm not referring to that, I mean a long-term arrangement where one person alternates between two other people, and considers both to be their partner, each of whom they are having a relationship with. I'm not talking about cheating, all people involved know about each other, and accept the situation. If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works? Can this truly last? Can this be called love? Surely one person is going to secretly hope to be the only one, and accepting the situation as the only way to stay with the other person, hiding their jealousy. I will add that this is a hypothetical, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I love suggesting this arrangement, I'd simply say "nope", and leave. Curiously yours... Sounds like some kind of liberal Mormons or something. No, I have never heard of or seen this kind of arrangement. In a stretch of the imagination, I guess I can see a woman being partnered with two guys, but not the other way around. I doubt two women could share a guy without some kind of drama at some point if not all the time If my SO approached me with that concept, let's just say, he'd be on scorched earth after I launched him into space and he landed again, if he landed . . .
central Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 In the US alone, there are probably about 2 to 5 million poly relationships, but it's very difficult to get accurate numbers. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201405/how-many-polyamorists-are-there-in-the-us 5 Myths About Polyamory Debunked https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
Jabron1 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 If you're going to do it, it shouldn't be a relationship taken seriously. It's okay for NSA sex, but very time limited, and your boundaries get tested. One of the two women I'm currently seeing is married, but in an open-relationship because her husband 'can't satisfy her'. Which is all fine by me - whatever. But recently she brought up the idea of her husband watching us have sex. That's where I draw the line. I told her that's not going to happen. If she brings it up again, we'll be done. Now, imagine that i'd caught feelings for her. Things could get really screwed up. 1
Author yxalitis Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 If you're going to do it, it shouldn't be a relationship taken seriously. It's okay for NSA sex, but very time limited, and your boundaries get tested. One of the two women I'm currently seeing is married, but in an open-relationship because her husband 'can't satisfy her'. Which is all fine by me - whatever. But recently she brought up the idea of her husband watching us have sex. That's where I draw the line. I told her that's not going to happen. If she brings it up again, we'll be done. Now, imagine that i'd caught feelings for her. Things could get really screwed up. Yep, I can't see that ending well.
MissBee Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I know that the word is full of variety in the way people need love, sex, affection etc. There are outright wild-sex swingers, polygamous arrangements, open relationships...groups of friends who group sex...etc etc. However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly. Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship. I know people can flit about whïle "single" but I'm not referring to that, I mean a long-term arrangement where one person alternates between two other people, and considers both to be their partner, each of whom they are having a relationship with. I'm not talking about cheating, all people involved know about each other, and accept the situation. If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works? Can this truly last? Can this be called love? Surely one person is going to secretly hope to be the only one, and accepting the situation as the only way to stay with the other person, hiding their jealousy. I will add that this is a hypothetical, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I love suggesting this arrangement, I'd simply say "nope", and leave. Curiously yours... People in affairs do this sometimes. In some cases the affair is two parallel relationships. But in those cases, it's obviously a secret so that alone isn't usually preferable and usually leads to contention. My friend is from a culture where men can have more than one wife, she's engaged currently to a man who has another wife, it seems to be working for her...but he also lives in this country part of the time with her and in the other with the other wife, so that probably makes it easier. She does say sometimes there is jealousy to manage. As for me, I understand it in theory but I think it's hard to manage in practice and not a lot of people are cut out for it. I don't think I'd be able to do it and I wouldn't want to be involved in that kind of relationship if a man offered it. If it's an open arrangement and not affair, I have more understanding and might try to see how it would work, but a man is just one person and I don't think what I need in terms of time, eventually wanting marriage and us living together etc. would work well if he has to split his energy, resources, everything between me and another woman who is also supposed to be his equal partner. 1
jen1447 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly. Not at the same time, I'm not talking about threesomes, or a purely sexual relationship. I know people can flit about whïle "single" but I'm not referring to that, I mean a long-term arrangement where one person alternates between two other people, and considers both to be their partner, each of whom they are having a relationship with. You're talking about polyamory specifically. One or more concurrent romantic relationships. If you do know/have experienced this, can you tell me if it really works? Can this truly last? Can this be called love? I have four concurrent relationships atm. They've lasted so far, going back close to 2 years for when I added my second. And of course it's love lol.
health Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I've never seen a polygamous relationship succeed in my 34 years on this planet. I heard it could be stressful and takes a toll on people's emotions. It is what it though. Live and let live.
central Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 I've never seen a polygamous relationship succeed in my 34 years on this planet. I heard it could be stressful and takes a toll on people's emotions. It is what it though. Live and let live. I've seen far more monogamous marriages fail. Does that mean they're all bad, or that the ones that failed weren't good for part of the duration? I don't think mere longevity is a good measure of the success of a relationship - the measure is the quality and satisfaction during the time it IS working.
candie13 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 (edited) I think it can def work, because there are a lot of rational yet emotionally unavailable people out there. It is hard to put all of your happiness, to open up, to depend (in the hands of) on just one person - because of all of the expectations and projections.... and feelings of vulnerability. Because of the high risk of being rejected or cheated on or treated poorly - and in a monogamous RS, there is no fall back plan, no other person with whom you are emotionally intimate to kiss you, hug you and make you feel better. Nor do monogamous RS give you the knowledge and certitude of your lover being physically and emotionally intimate with another person. So if in a polyamory, things go tits up, it sure is painful, but you are protected because you didn't fully give yourself to just one person who fully gave themselves to just you. You know you're sharing. Monogamous RS are def more dangerous, lack variety and are much riskier emotionally. So I can def understand how polyamory can work - and I imagine it can be intense and exciting and some people call it love, so that is totally plausible. Edited February 14, 2016 by candie13
soleilesquire Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 If everyone knows about each other then maybe. If there are any secret relationships it's just run of the mill scummy cheating.
health Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I've seen far more monogamous marriages fail. Does that mean they're all bad, or that the ones that failed weren't good for part of the duration? I don't think mere longevity is a good measure of the success of a relationship - the measure is the quality and satisfaction during the time it IS working. So you have seen more monogamous relationships fail compared to the number of polygamous relationships that have succeeded? Or are you just saying monogamous relationships in general. In my own life I have seen lots of monogamous relationships fail as well - but a lot were long term - over 5 years etc. Anytime I have ever heard of polygamous relationships - or people trying to balance multiple partners in life not only have I seen them fail - I've seen them crash and burn - with lingering effects! The monogamous failures have been filled with hurt - pain, but most people I've seen either forgave and moved on - or kept it in good terms just for the children etc. The relationships that I've seen to end with cheating, polygamous attempts etc have been filled with literally - physical fights, backstabbing, drugs, overdoses, and suicides. This is literally what I've seen with my own eyes in my 34 years on this planet. People can do what they want - but there are consequences. I think that polygamy sounds like a fun concept - but I've never seen it work. I personally think longevity is a great indicator of a successful relationship. The measure of quality and satisfaction - as you said - I ALSO think is a great measure for a successful relationship. I just think it's the both that's the true measure. Anyone can be satisfied with someone in like a 2 month period - that's easy to do. I've seen satisfied couples in over 5 year, 10 year relationships - again in my experience - none were polygamous.
jen1447 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 ^ Of course your experiential evidence is extremely limited tho. How many genuinely polyamorous relationships have you actually observed? As a person who's actually lived this lifestyle for a few years now, been around others living this lifestyle for a few more, and who's been in open relationship arrangements for almost two decades, I can tell you that the success of polyamory lives or dies w/the 'authenticity' so to speak of the participants. If you're a monogamous person at heart just trying it on, it's gonna fail. If you're a person who genuinely desires multiple concurrent romantic relationships, partnered w/ppl who feel the same way, your success rate is bscly limited by the same things 'normal' ppl deal with - falling in and out of love, compatibility, etc. I've actually seen less tendency for violence among genuine poly types btw, fwiw, I assume bc we tend to be less the jealous type. 1
health Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 ^ Of course your experiential evidence is extremely limited tho. How many genuinely polyamorous relationships have you actually observed? As a person who's actually lived this lifestyle for a few years now, been around others living this lifestyle for a few more, and who's been in open relationship arrangements for almost two decades, I can tell you that the success of polyamory lives or dies w/the 'authenticity' so to speak of the participants. If you're a monogamous person at heart just trying it on, it's gonna fail. If you're a person who genuinely desires multiple concurrent romantic relationships, partnered w/ppl who feel the same way, your success rate is bscly limited by the same things 'normal' ppl deal with - falling in and out of love, compatibility, etc. I've actually seen less tendency for violence among genuine poly types btw, fwiw, I assume bc we tend to be less the jealous type. You're right I haven't seen tonnes of polyamorous relationsips. I personally struggled with jealosy issues myself. Not extreme, more internal I had to work out. I know polygamous relationships are not for me though. How does the trust work in them? I don't get that part in these types. The relationships I've had - under 8 my whole life and I'm 34 - they've all been monogamous and really passionate/high quality. I'm proud of all of them!
BlueIris Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Yes. Three instances of this. (1) My great uncle, born in the late 1890’s, was married and had a family with his wife and also had a mistress who lived across the street, probably for about 30-40 years, until he died. Essentially two wives. (2) An ex’s best friend’s father had two families, one legal wife and a second relationship, also with children. His kids from both relationships worked in his businesses when they grew up. Both relationships lasted decades, until his death.Agian, two wives in effect. (3) A girl I knew in college had two live-in BFs for years, through undergrad and grad/prof school, the same two guys throughout. She married one after graduation. None of these families were from religions associated with polygamy. I think they were all love relationships.
jen1447 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 How does the trust work in them? I don't get that part in these types. Can you elaborate? I'm not really sure what you're asking.
MoreAmore Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 However, has anyone here tried, experienced or know about directly (ie close friend or family) where one person has two partners they see regularly. ... Yes, more than one. Poly Triad, one of them. The three were dating, Another, the guy sees two people, just the two, though one sees only him and another has another partner. One of my best friends was living with two women, with both of them. They lived together for three years, (dated a year for one, two years for the other) before that.... but they did just recently break up. One moved out a few months ago, and one moved out recently - not surviving the first break up and ramifications in the social circle. They are still friends, though.
joseb Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 How does the trust work in them? I don't get that part in these types. I'm not sure I follow the question either. In a poly relationship people are open and honest about the relationships, so it's not like they are breaking any trust. 1
joseb Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Thanks... My thoughts are still that in some way at least one the involved parties is compromising their true desires by accepting 50% of that which they want 100% But of course it's not for everyone. Some people don't want to have only one person in their life romantically. They don't feel like they are accepting 50% in fact if they had one partner only, then they might feel like it was only 50% (or 25% in Jens case!) If you really are monogamous at hear it's not going to work.
health Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Can you elaborate? I'm not really sure what you're asking. What's the quality of the trust? It can't be a high trust relationship, can it? Like if you expect your partner to be home. You know they have 2 other people on the side. The partner says he'll be late but says he's not with anyone. Can they be trusted for that? Also in other areas - trust that they will keep their word in doung things. Simple things, running errands. Have you experienced exerything fine with that or were there fundamental trust issues?
todreaminblue Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 the only time i have known of something similar to this personally it involved deceit.....and deceit never works......i dont know if this sort of situation has longevity written on it i do know its not something i could be part of.....nor would i want to be part of an arrangement like that even if it could work....deb
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