joodee Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Well long story short, supposedly ex-mm stopped by my night job unexpectedly tonight. Earlier in the evening he He was with his w at their daughter's junior high school awards ceremony. He texted me this, I texted back have a good time, and was basically going to leave it at that, since the only communiceration between us for a long time was texting. Well, a half hour later he showed up unannounced at my night job, and I asked why was he here. He said he missed me and he didn't want me to think he was out all night with his w. I told him I had to go back to work, I can chat just a little bit here and there, and while I was gone he was checking out his cell. I asked what he was doing, he said he was texting me, but I saw his W's cell phone number. I asked him if he was texting w, he said sometimes when they have to communicate (they have two kids together). I then asked why was he here, he said again that he missed me, I said then you will tell your w about us if that is how you really feel. He then got offended and said I was lecturing him, I said you were the one who showed up at my job unannounced to try to prove something. I then grabbed his cell phone and started looking around, he asked what was I looking for, I handed it back to him and said that he knows what upsets me, are you here to do something about it? He then got cocky and said he was there to have a drink and relax (????); now my months of therapy started kicking in and I basically said tell your wife about us, end of story. He started again to say I was lecturing him, I said will you tell your wife? He then said I'll think about it, and left. Then, while I was trying to work, he started text messaging me all this crap, saying I ruined a perfect evening, ,he knew I wouldn't go to the job fair, etc. (basically attacks) I simply said that all I asked was for him to tell his w about us cause if they were truly separated and if she had a boyfriend, he would have no problem telling her about me, if I was what he wanted, cause I will NOT be a dirty secret if he and I were to get back together. He responded saying I pushed him away, I said that he always says that when I ask when will he tell w about us.... And then I got a text saying that it was time to say goodnight. I didn't respond. I'm so pissed at myself for not telling him to go straight to you-know-where. I am tempted to cut all communication off without warning. What do you all think?????? This is really going nowhere, and I really realize now that he's not playing with a full mental deck.
newbby Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 joodee, i dont think you should be pissed at yourself, remember actions speak louder than words and you did not sleep with him did you? it is hard to find the perfect words sometimes but i think it is okay that you did not just tell him where to go, you gave him a chance to make your relationship above board and serious and he did not take it. i am having similar problems with my ex mm at the moment, he has been trying to say to me that he and his wife are actually in the process of splitting up, he is moving out etc etc, he is even trying to prove that he is not 'hiding' us, and sometimes it is difficult to not be momentarily swayed by this and with my words i have not instantly told him where to go, but i still have not physically continued the a. i think when you keep up the communication this way it gives you a chance to look at things more objectively, i am sure that at some point i will decide not to communicate with him so much but definetly where i stand at the moment i feel this is the safer option, for instance if he showed up one evening and i was momentarily swayed by his words that could be dangerous, if i am swayed during a distant conversation i can check myself first. in actual fact when he talked about his marriage problems to me it made me feel more resolved to never go there again, because it bought the reality home so much more. i began to also feel bad about the communication i am having with him. if you definetly feel that the time is right to cut off the communication and you feel strong to do that then yes, ultimately that is the goal after all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 1. I am tempted to cut all communication off without warning. 2. What do you all think?????? 1. Good idea. He is leaving you with a choice. You can HOW and deal with it, or you can be UOW and deal with it. He seems pretty clear that he isn't going to do what you want, and he is expecting you to accept that. 2. I think the ball is in your court. He made his terms clear. Time to make yours clear. Block every single method of communication he has with you. If he bothers you at work, tell him to leave - and if he makes a scene, alert your supervisor and they can have him leave under threat of trespass.
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Please read my reply to newbyy, I think there is some similarilities here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64466/ Take back the control he has over you. By you bringing up he should do "this or that" is pissing him off because HE isn't in control of the situation! Don't give him that power! He isn't going to tell his wife about you and him. Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it too. If you really want to end it with him, DO it. (Now read that link.. ) Find a therapist if you need to somebody to talk to if you can't cope without him. Eitherway, this situation is POISON for you and you're gonna get your heart broken. You deserve a man who will be just yours and not somebody's husband. He doesn't belong to you and so therefore he doesn't owe you anything. I'm sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh, but the reality of your situation is very painful.
Author joodee Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 Thanks all for responding, I really needed to hear from you all, I need all the strength I can get right now, cause I don't want to fall back into a full-blown affair again. That's the first time I have used the word "affair" in my situation, maybe I'm finally accepting what this whole thing was. Newwby, I haven't slept with him for a long time, thank God. And today I feel really turned off about the whole thing. Whichwayisup, thanks for the link. I was actually seeing a therapist for a long time, I haven't gone in a few weeks, long story short I need to find a new one cause the one I had is no longer available, and I thought I could do ok without going for awhile...but you are right, I still have more internal work to do, cause even though I haven't responded to his texts and e-mails today (yes, after last night, he's still trying to communicate!!), I feel slightly devastated and down and I want to find a single guy. Don't worry about the harsh words, I need to hear them, thanks. I thought I had my power back, time to get it back. You are right, I am in control of the situation. LucreziaBorgia, what do you mean by HOW and UOW? You are right, I do have to block all communication with him.
newbby Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 i so identify with what you are saying joodee, i too feel quite turned off by it all. the fluctuation in emotion is unsettling. do you also feel that you dont really want to dislike him? i felt that i wanted to be friends, for a time at least so that things could end amicably. however, i am beginning to think that the more i resist the more determined he is going to get and that eventually i may have to be harsh, then sometimes i feel i need some comfort and think i would like to see him. those times are getting less though. i think what bothers me is that it is all about the getting you back, there is no intention of being friends or considering you. is this how you feel?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by joodee LucreziaBorgia, what do you mean by HOW and UOW? You are right, I do have to block all communication with him. HOW = happy other woman (meaning you are ok with your arrangement) UOW = unhappy other woman (meaning you are not ok with your arrangement, but you stay hoping it will someday change)
RecordProducer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by joodee If they were truly separated and if she had a boyfriend, he would have no problem telling her about me, if I was what he wanted, cause I will NOT be a dirty secret if he and I were to get back together. Isn't it alarming that you're in love with a someone and you don't even know whether he is separated from his wife or not? He doesn't have to tell his EX-wife about you, but he probably still lives with her, lies to you that is separated, and will never leave her. At least he won't leave her now, that's obvious. If he misses you so much then he will do something about it. Why don't you go to his place and check for yourself whether he lives with her or not? If I were you, I would tell him: "Next time when you show up or text me or initiate any kind of contact, I will go tell your wife about us myself!" That will make him leave you alone and you will know that he doesn't care about you. That way you will get over him easily. Every time he comes and throws lies in your face about how much he needs you, you are a few steps back in your recovery process. For your own sake, just forget him and find yourself a single man. It really feels good not to be anyone's dirty secret.
Author joodee Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 Record Producer, He is separated and hasn't lived with his W for over 7 years. When I say truly separated I mean that there would be serious talk of divorce, no active relationship, not him and his wife...well, as I'm writing this all that doesn't matter. He's hiding what he and his W have together and he is lying to me about it, plain and simple, so I won't permanently leave him. Anyway, Monday (today) will be day 3 of NC with the MM (he's tried texting me, I haven't responded at all, that is HUGE for me). I actually went on a date with a former boyfriend to the movies on Sunday night, it is so nice to go out with someone you know isn't hiding anything from you. I really have no interest in getting back together with this old boyfriend, and I think he just wanted to go to the movies as friends only, but what a difference to not worry about what the next lie will be. I hope to go out on more dates with other guys very soon.
newbby Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 well done joodee, good luck to you!! you make it sound so appealing, sometimes its easy to forget normality. ((hugs)) to you
Author joodee Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 Thanks Newwby, I will need all the hugs I can get, there were moments today when I wished I could share something, like a tv program was on that we both liked, our baseball team won over the weekend, etc., but I know now that ANY response from me will eventually get the cycle started again, and I hate the feeling of when I am with him I constantly wonder what is the truth. And being friends with a liar is impossible. I just finished reading your thread about your mm and games, best to do NC, take it day to day. Say to yourself "just for today I will not respond to MM..." I too hoped for friendship but now, no way. Hugs to you too.
newbby Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 It must be really difficult joodee, but i believe you are doing the right thing for you. ((many more hugs))
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