Saf17 Posted February 13, 2016 Posted February 13, 2016 Hey all, Me and my wife split up two weeks ago tomorrow. We are getting divorced (hopefully filing the papers at the end of February). It was pretty rough so I did what I thought best. I spent two and a half days crying then threw myself into work and seeing all my friends whenever anyone was free. Now, I met my friend I hadn't seen (wasn't allowed to see) for months, if not a year, a few days ago. Before this post goes any further - I want no kind of relationship or anything more than friendship. I have no idea of her feelings for me (if there even are any) or have any intention of finding out. Back to the story/question: we had a really great time and I have quite a crush building on her. Always thought she was a lovely person but being married, never looked at her or anyone else in that light. So, my questions are as follows: how do you know when a crush/feelings as genuine? This is obviously a rebound thing but I'm not that guy and refuse to even think about anything past friendship with anyone until I'm divorced. How will I know feelings are real? How will I recognise when I'm ready to act on any feelings in the future? How did you guys know? 1
Redhead14 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Hey all, Me and my wife split up two weeks ago tomorrow. We are getting divorced (hopefully filing the papers at the end of February). It was pretty rough so I did what I thought best. I spent two and a half days crying then threw myself into work and seeing all my friends whenever anyone was free. Now, I met my friend I hadn't seen (wasn't allowed to see) for months, if not a year, a few days ago. Before this post goes any further - I want no kind of relationship or anything more than friendship. I have no idea of her feelings for me (if there even are any) or have any intention of finding out. Back to the story/question: we had a really great time and I have quite a crush building on her. Always thought she was a lovely person but being married, never looked at her or anyone else in that light. So, my questions are as follows: how do you know when a crush/feelings as genuine? This is obviously a rebound thing but I'm not that guy and refuse to even think about anything past friendship with anyone until I'm divorced. How will I know feelings are real? How will I recognise when I'm ready to act on any feelings in the future? How did you guys know? When you don't have to ask this question anymore . . . give yourself plenty of time before you start dating at all. Even casually dating someone could cause you to develop feelings quickly and it would only be about distracting yourself from the issues surrounding the divorce, the pain, the confusion, etc. Be patient and good to yourself. You are/will be grieving a loss similar to a death. 3
Satu Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Don't use this woman as a lifeboat, it isn't fair. Spend some time on your own, getting your head straight, before you get involved with anyone. 2
smackie9 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Ya you shouldn't be spending time one on one, but maybe in a group setting or as little as possible. You are still emotionally healing from your divorce....you are not in a place right now to be catching honest feelings. Once you know the hurt is gone, you don't miss your ex, and you are happy on your own, then you will have a clearer idea about your feelings for someone. 2
Larmaesh Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Please do this kind woman a favour and leave her alone! No matter how you want to think of yourself as 'not that guy' you automatically turn into one if you start contact with her cause you'll end up using her as your emotional punch bag! It is not fair that you men think it is okay to rebound and then try and deny you are not rebounding when you clearly are! Just give yourself time to heal and leave her alone! If you're looking for female friendships then start with someone new you have no history with and let them know from the very beginning your situation so you don't give them false hope 2
Author Saf17 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 Please do this kind woman a favour and leave her alone! No matter how you want to think of yourself as 'not that guy' you automatically turn into one if you start contact with her cause you'll end up using her as your emotional punch bag! It is not fair that you men think it is okay to rebound and then try and deny you are not rebounding when you clearly are! Just give yourself time to heal and leave her alone! If you're looking for female friendships then start with someone new you have no history with and let them know from the very beginning your situation so you don't give them false hope Why do I have to leave her alone? I'm fully aware that these are rebound feelings and I won't be meeting her alone again for awhile. She invited me to a group hangout next week. Should I just blow that off? Seems rude, no? All I've been doing is reconnecting with old friends my wife wouldn't let me see. Why am I in the wrong for this? (My reply isn't bashing you if that is how it comes across, I'm genuinely asking)
Larmaesh Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 yeah I definitely understand. My point is that she might have feelings for you and because you fancy her you might end up rebounding. If she's inviting you to things under the impression that there is a chance between both of you then let her know upfront that you are emotionally unavailable 2
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 YOU already have a "crush" on her ,so you will, if she is willing, easily slip into a relationship, but 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road, she will be the one "crushed" when you wake up to the fact, it was all a rebound and what the hell did you ever see in her? 2
Author Saf17 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 yeah I definitely understand. My point is that she might have feelings for you and because you fancy her you might end up rebounding. If she's inviting you to things under the impression that there is a chance between both of you then let her know upfront that you are emotionally unavailable Thanks for the understanding that I wasn't trying to just have a go or anything. The whole reason for this topic is to make sure I don't do anything like that. I don't think she is interested in me, but I'll play it safe and just go to group things or just say I can't make it to one on one things. If she asks why, I'll be honest. We are friends and I won't lie to her. Also, whether it seems it or not, I really like her and respect and don't want to hurt her. Thank you 1
Author Saf17 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 YOU already have a "crush" on her ,so you will, if she is willing, easily slip into a relationship, but 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road, she will be the one "crushed" when you wake up to the fact, it was all a rebound and what the hell did you ever see in her? I appreciate the comment. Can I ask a few things. The reason I am here is to learn and not make mistakes that hurt people. I don't think she is interested but have no desire to find out. If she were to ask me out tomorrow I'd say no. For many reasons. I'm still married at the very least. My wife might have pissed all over our vows but I meant them. Another is I don't want to hurt her. Another would be I think she could do a lot better than me. I could go on and on. Does EVERYone make the mistake of rebound relationships? Does no-one find a relationship shortly after a break up and meet the one for them? I ask only to learn. I can't prove anything to anyone here on this website but until I'm divorced and emotionally open, I will not date anyone or have relations or even kiss anyone. I'm not even going to see his girl again on my own, just group activities. And lastly - though this has no bearing. She is worth everything. I am not a good enough man to make her happy so would never date her. But the guy she chooses will be amazingly lucky and hopefully deserve to be with her.
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