em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 a thought-- do guys think they make it easier for the girl to get over the relationship by not talking to them about the breakup and clearing things up? (this way the girl can hate them for being indecent and unwilling to give any value to the relationship?) or is it a selfish action to make it easier for them to get over it?
miss-gonewest Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Em, you know I am in the same position as you do but I don't think there is a correct answer!!! It will always depend on the circumstance. Although I read the other day that men & women deal with this differently... women internalise their feelings while men externalise. The example given was when a woman goes to fix say a broken pipe and she can't do it, she will say "I am so silly, I can't do this..." While a man will blame outwardly and say "bloody pipe, bloody tools"... you get the idea. So it may just be in his nature to look outward and blame you. Especially if he was having issues with committing or with the responsibilities of the relationship.... or if he needed to invent an excuse to break up with you then he will be sitting there stewing on why he did, hell, he even might have moments of guilt - so to stop himself feeling guilty or to not feel like the bad guy, it may be easier for him to pretend you don't exist. It hurts - I know - but I'm going through it with you (other than my stupid random text message I got from him this morning!!!), so if you do get any good answers, I want to know too! Take care.
BrotherAaron Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 That's a very insightful and fresh way of looking at it, MissGoneWest. I definitely externalize, and blame my ex girlfriend (bloody pipe! ) - but, then again, she did cheat on me. That's also why I avoid her like the plague. She's become a bother. It'd be different if I broke up with her because I was bored. I'd never just completely ignore someone who I once loved, or once loved me, if she had not betrayed me in a way that just makes simple interaction with her painful. I would, however, set strict boundaries, so that she knows there is a line that cannot be crossed. It's difficult to say whether I'm doing her a favor or a disservice. I certainly don't want anybody pining over me instead of allowing herself to meet new people. The more attached she seemed, the more detached I'd become in an effort to keep a healthy emotional distance that would allow her to move on. Hopefully I'd be able to give her the space and time she needs to forget about me without leaving her feeling like I dropped off the face of the Earth. Unfortunately, that's a hard balance to find, and for some girls you really do have to drop off of the face of the Earth before they'll let themselves live on without you. I'd suppose that just disappearing in order to spare somebody's feelings is a much classier move than to stick around, stringing a girl along because he's afraid of looking like a Jerk. Somehow, people hurt other people's emotions the most when they try too hard not to.
lindya Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 [ Somehow, people hurt other people's emotions the most when they try too hard not to. That's very true. "I'm sorry, I just don't love you" is hard to say and even harder to hear - but it's honest. Far worse, I think, to unwrap layer upon layer of "I don't know what I want" "I'm still really attracted to you" and "let's stay friends" only to find that same cold message underneath it all. It's for your friends and family to provide you with comfort, analysis and self-esteem boosting. The person who just dumped you out of their life is certainly not best placed to do any of that.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 many men instinctually know (at least I do) that the best and easiest way to hurt any female is to NOT talk, NOT discuss and NOT relate. Women hate silence more than yeast infections.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Women hate silence more than yeast infections.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 many men instinctually know (at least I do) that the best and easiest way to hurt any female is to NOT talk, NOT discuss and NOT relate. Women hate silence more than yeast infections. so why the hell do they do it?!
Merin Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 My take.. when people break up it isn't so much about wanting to hurt someone (Well.. sometimes it is!) by not talking to them, it's more a way of trying to break the habit so to speak.. if you just run hard enough, fast enough you'll be okay kind of theory.. and I also think it makes some people just very uncomfortable to have to give that kind of closure... they would rather not say anything at all then have to face the question WHY.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 fear of resolution perhaps but why fear resolution if he wanted it to be over in the first place? ending somehting is a resolution. but talking about it resolves the end. does that make sense? (sorry i dont know if it does...haha)
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 they would rather not say anything at all then have to face the question WHY. do u think that this is because they would rather not face themselves? and what they did in the relationship? or what went wrong on their part even?
tanbark813 Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Why would you expect someone with whom you broke up to be more concerned about your feelings than theirs? I mean, most people are concerned more with themselves during the relationship let alone after it ended. Humans, and all animals for that matter, are inherently selfish because natural selection favors that quality.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 so why the hell do they do it?! cause they can piss the woman off AND avoid discussing the problem all at the same time
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 so why the hell do they do it?! Why not? What's the point of talking if it's over? No way in hell I'd give you that satisfaction, especially if you weren't into me. It killed one girl I went out with... how's that for closure?
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 ...(this way the girl can hate them for being indecent and unwilling to give any value to the relationship?) I rather she hated me than want me as a friend... it means I'm a bad mofo with the upper hand. I wish all of them hated me -- it's almost a guarantee they'll take me back. Glad I finally learned this important lesson.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 What's the point of talking if it's over? No way in hell I'd give you that satisfaction, especially if you weren't into me well what if she was still in love with you? would u still not give it to her? I rather she hated me than want me as a friend... it means I'm a bad mofo with the upper hand. I wish all of them hated me -- it's almost a guarantee they'll take me back. Glad I finally learned this important lesson wow..i dont know. am i just naive. or do all guys think this brutally. dont mean to lash out or citicize at all, im just asking...
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 well what if she was still in love with you? would u still not give it to her? Yes. My philosophy is that, when I'm the dumper, I owe the girl an honest explanation. And I need to be available (within reason) for the aftermath. For example, if she wants to ask questions... or just vent. If I'm dumped on the other hand, I feel no such responsibility. Her decision, she has to face the consequences. wow..i dont know. am i just naive. or do all guys think this brutally. dont mean to lash out or citicize at all, im just asking... No, I find it difficult to hurt someone I have loved. I need a lot of provocation to make me brutal.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 My philosophy is that, when I'm the dumper, I owe the girl an honest explanation. And I need to be available (within reason) for the aftermath. For example, if she wants to ask questions... or just vent. you know, thats all im asking for. and i dont understand why my exbf wouldnt give it to me. and i cant dwell on that. because ill never move on and keep asking questions that wont be answered. but you know, i totally applaud you for having the decency to think in such a way like this. really. even if it means you having to answer questions that you may not wnat to answer or think about, your willing to do so. good for you.
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 well what if she was still in love with you? would u still not give it to her? I've only done this to those who were playing games... never to those who weren't. I don't consider myself brutal for doing it because, at that point, it's all about survival.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 I don't consider myself brutal for doing it because, at that point, it's all about survival. i see where you are coming frm. but would u say you did this simply so you would not have to deal with your feelings of pain/guilt/etc? to a certain extent, is it really just about ego? even if you love the girl? hey, sorry if im like putting you on the spot or whatever. i dont mean to attack u, its just im having a hard time understanding the way guys think and deal. so its cool if youd rather not answer if im asking too much
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 but would u say you did this simply so you would not have to deal with your feelings of pain/guilt/etc? No. I did it so I could move on. And I have. Pain was gone when I realized it was time to end things immediately. Then I cut my losses without wasting any more of my time, or hers. Think about it. If she didn't care about me when we were together, why should she care about the manner in which it ended? Double standard here. to a certain extent, is it really just about ego? even if you love the girl? Loving someone is never unconditional. Always a string attached to it, no matter what anyone says. Even if you have the best intentions, the other person may not. Hope you won't have to find this out the hard way, but usually it's the only way. hey, sorry if im like putting you on the spot or whatever. i dont mean to attack u, its just im having a hard time understanding the way guys think and deal. so its cool if youd rather not answer if im asking too much Feel free to ask all you like.
Author em88 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 thanks And I have. Pain was gone when I realized it was time to end things immediately. Then I cut my losses without wasting any more of my time, or hers. Think about it. If she didn't care about me when we were together, why should she care about the manner in which it ended? Double standard here. so basically, you stopped feeling everything once it ended? were you able to examine yourself and your mistakes after? or was it kind of like, she was treating you like crap so you just didnt want to deal with it anymore? i get what your saying, in that if she didnt care about u during the relationship, why should you care about her after? but for me, i totally cared for him. and i didnt really see it coming. he just shut off after that. i would understand if it was somthing i did. but i just cant seem to get why he did this. sorry so many questions again!
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by em88 or was it kind of like, she was treating you like crap so you just didnt want to deal with it anymore? Bingo. I don't want to get into details since it's a dead horse, but she got what she deserved. but for me, i totally cared for him. and i didnt really see it coming. he just shut off after that. i would understand if it was somthing i did. but i just cant seem to get why he did this. Only thing you can do here is fight fire with fire. If he doesn't care, then show him you don't care either. What usually happens is once they see you getting on with life, they'll come crawling back, saying they're sorry, they still love you, they want to start over, and other flattering statements that are only half-truths. Hopefully at that point you won't want them anymore. Easier said than done, but that's what the maturation process is all about..
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