Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[Redhead14]

Besides, maybe I already wrote this, but its not easy to get into therapy in Norway. You literally have to be suicidal, self-harming or have a diagnosed personality disorder...

 

Lorenza, therapy is a long process and most people feel worse before they get better. It doesn't happen overnight or over a couple of months. You have been living with the things you're dealing with for most of your life. It's not going to get undone in a matter of a few months. You have to stick with it and be fully engaged and prepared to be completely honest and open about your feelings/emotions/thoughts, etc.

 

I cannot tell you that you have a diagnosable personality disorder, but you do have a documented history of suicidal thoughts and hospitalizations. Lying about suicidal thoughts, as a desperate act to get help, by itself, is a sign of something diagnosable. If you can get back into therapy and stick with it, you will be able to move forward.

 

If you absolutely cannot afford or get counseling, you have to start just finding a support system for yourself, friends, family, or join a social activity at least in order to focus on something else for a while at least. I think you said you are in school? If so, does the school you attend have onsite counselors?

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, therapy is a long process and most people feel worse before they get better. It doesn't happen overnight or over a couple of months. You have been living with the things you're dealing with for most of your life. It's not going to get undone in a matter of a few months. You have to stick with it and be fully engaged and prepared to be completely honest and open about your feelings/emotions/thoughts, etc.

 

I cannot tell you that you have a diagnosable personality disorder, but you do have a documented history of suicidal thoughts and hospitalizations. Lying about suicidal thoughts, as a desperate act to get help, by itself, is a sign of something diagnosable. If you can get back into therapy and stick with it, you will be able to move forward.

 

If you absolutely cannot afford or get counseling, you have to start just finding a support system for yourself, friends, family, or join a social activity at least in order to focus on something else for a while at least. I think you said you are in school? If so, does the school you attend have onsite counselors?

 

1,5 years is not a couple of months... I had appointments every second week and check ups once a month, so it's a load of visits. And lying about suicidal thoughts was necessary and both me and my bf at the time agreed I should exaggerate to get in, otherwise I'd never get a pshychologist asigned. They don't accept mild disorders here, those are redirected to private therapists. Even with slight exaggeration I went through loads of tests and was only diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD.

[Redhead14]

1,5 years is not a couple of months... I had appointments every second week and check ups once a month, so it's a load of visits. And lying about suicidal thoughts was necessary and both me and my bf at the time agreed I should exaggerate to get in, otherwise I'd never get a pshychologist asigned. They don't accept mild disorders here, those are redirected to private therapists. Even with slight exaggeration I went through loads of tests and was only diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD.

 

I missed the 1.5 years part . . . but it's still not enough time. Nevertheless, it's sounds as though you are extremely limited over there. It's a tough row to hoe. Hang in there. Keep talking here if only just to vent.

[katiegrl]

1,5 years is not a couple of months... I had appointments every second week and check ups once a month, so it's a load of visits. And lying about suicidal thoughts was necessary and both me and my bf at the time agreed I should exaggerate to get in, otherwise I'd never get a pshychologist asigned. They don't accept mild disorders here, those are redirected to private therapists. Even with slight exaggeration I went through loads of tests and was only diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD.

 

Only anxiety and PTSD? Those are serious disorders. Did they prescribe anything for those disorders, or just send you away telling you you are "fine" (like you said before)?

 

That sounds like some serious medical malpractice IMO.

 

I also suffer from anxiety (General Anxiety Disorder) and it was quite debilitating until such time I sought help and was put on the proper medication to balance out the chemicals in my brain that perpetuated the anxiety.

 

Certain negative experiences in my life (such as the death of my parents) triggered a more serious reaction, like panic attacks, which prompted me to seek help, but even before that, and with everything going well in my life, I was overall a very anxious and high-strung individual -- highly emotional.

 

Which sounds like you too.

 

I am off the meds now, but still see a therapist and manage my anxieties in other ways like lots of exercise... and various types of mind exercises.

 

And eating more healthy and staying clear of negative people and negative experiences.

 

Anyhoo, jmo but if you don't get a handle on your anxiety (and PTSD), next RL you have, the same thing will happen.... just like your previous three relationships.

Edited February 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[soleilesquire]

I'm so sorry it is so hard to get really good help there, Lorenza. Here in the US if you feel "blue" for a week or two someone will put you on something, and there it sounds like you have to practically be on the verge of suicide to get attention.

 

Just a personal experience thought from me:

 

It is very tempting to call or contact a recent breakup (especially when you didn't want to break up) when illness or a tragedy happens. But in the end, it just makes it that much more painful when the crisis is over and there's no reason to talk to them anymore and, well, you're still broken up. I learned this the hard way once. Try to get the support you need from others and not him.

[Lorenza]

Only anxiety and PTSD? Those are serious disorders. Did they prescribe anything for those disorders, or just send you away telling you you are "fine" (like you said before)?

 

That sounds like some serious medical malpractice IMO.

 

I also suffer from anxiety (General Anxiety Disorder) and it was quite debilitating until such time I sought help and was put on the proper medication to balance out the chemicals in my brain that perpetuated the anxiety.

 

Certain negative experiences in my life (such as the death of my parents) triggered a more serious reaction, like panic attacks, which prompted me to seek help, but even before that, and with everything going well in my life, I was overall a very anxious and high-strung individual -- highly emotional.

 

Which sounds like you too.

 

I am off the meds now, but still see a therapist and manage my anxieties in other ways like lots of exercise... and various types of mind exercises.

 

And eating more healthy and staying clear of negative people and negative experiences.

 

Anyhoo, jmo but if you don't get a handle on your anxiety (and PTSD), next RL you have, the same thing will happen.... just like your previous three relationships.

 

Katie, sorry to hear about your conditions and that you lost your parents

What I'm trying to explain is that it's really hard to get help here. My anxiety wasn't taken very seriously until I told them some things that aren't really true, like thoughts about death etc. Then the process moved on. There is a questionaire you have to answer and when they're gonna ask me certain questions, I'd have to say that most of the time I feel pretty normal, that I'm not hurting myself and I don't consider suicide at all, that I don't feel life is meaningless and so on. This time I don't want to exaggerate because it just made me feel so messed up the last time. And that won't be taken serious. I might get the same thing they always prescribe from "light" anxiety, like Atarax, but I won't be assigned a therapist.

[katiegrl]

Katie, sorry to hear about your conditions and that you lost your parents

What I'm trying to explain is that it's really hard to get help here. My anxiety wasn't taken very seriously until I told them some things that aren't really true, like thoughts about death etc. Then the process moved on. There is a questionaire you have to answer and when they're gonna ask me certain questions, I'd have to say that most of the time I feel pretty normal, that I'm not hurting myself and I don't consider suicide at all, that I don't feel life is meaningless and so on. This time I don't want to exaggerate because it just made me feel so messed up the last time. And that won't be taken serious. I might get the same thing they always prescribe from "light" anxiety, like Atarax, but I won't be assigned a therapist.

 

Thank you for the condolences Lorenza.

 

Perhaps this time you can tell them how you feel in your relationships.... for example how you have this uncontrollable need to hear from your boyfriends every night (which is fine it's your REACTION that is not fine), otherwise your anxiety kicks in, heart palpitations and you find it difficult to function.

 

How you focus so much on your relationships, that everything else in your life falls by the wayside, and when it ends your anxiety becomes so severe you were rushed to emergency with heart palpitations, could not sleep for 48 hours, etc etc etc.

 

It does not sound like you exaggerated your symptoms, it sounds like you minimized them -- no wonder they sent you away telling you you were fine.

 

Also you don't need to see a psychiatrist.... your regular doctor can diagnose and prescribe the proper meds if warranted.

 

Anyhoo, good luck hope you feel better.

Edited February 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Eighty_nine]

You'd rather have fun than be introspective and work on yourself. Duh. Sometimes easy and fun isn't what we need to actually make progress. It is just avoidance of doing something hard and necessary. You will continue to repeat your mistakes. You might wake up one day and take it seriously or you may not. It is up to you in the end.

 

This is quite inaccurate. Someone also said that a support group isn't therapy- also inaccurate- there are a wide variety of activities that are therapeutic. individual therapy is just one tool we might use for someone with unmet emotional needs. But what is actually much more powerful than individual therapy is peer support. Connecting with others over hobbies and interests. Connecting with others in groups via shared experiences - support groups and group therapy groups. In fact engaging socially is often MORE helpful than individual therapy (and this is heavily backed by research) Part of the reason for this is those kind of relationships are reciprocal. In a hobby group or a support group, you benefit from the involvment of others AND you help others with your knowledge/sharing your experiences/etc. that is extremely powerful and self affirming. These are all very powerful tools toward healing. The work doesn't only have to revolve around the specific maladaptive behavior (like engaging in unhealthy relationships). Because that's just a symptom of a bigger issue.

 

The other thing is though, it sort of bugs me when people say others "need help", like several have mentioned re: OP, because, we all need help at some point. And some of this is just learning and life experience. It's healthy to make mistakes; it's even healthy to experience codependent attachments. These kind of issues are *very* common and the point is to learn from them moving forward. Some of the most important work in therapy is psychoeducation around what happened - identifying WHAT made you act that way, what precipitated those feelings-- just understanding what happened can have a HUGE impact on personal growth. You don't necessarily need a therapist to achieve this. It's really about insight and personal reflection, however that is achieved. I'm not trying to argue against therapy, I AM a therapist lol- and I've benefitted from individual therapy myself. My point is I think a lot of people are misguided thinking it's the only option for someone who is struggling. It is also SO important to find the right therapist for you and SO hard to do achieve that, that I don't blame some people for getting frustrated with the process.

 

Anyway, OP, I hope I've normalized this a bit for you. You're not chronically damaged. And you have clearly taken steps toward identifying why this is going down this way- and really listening to others' input- and that already puts you a step ahead. It really seems to me that you have a lot of potential to grow from these experiences, as long as you continue toward working to understand why you engaged in them and toward understanding your own thoughts and actions.

Edited February 19, 2016 by lissvarna

[Lorenza]

Hey guys, here comes an update for those of you who were involved into reading and commenting my story.

 

So a little recap - me and my boyfriend were fighting a lot lately, him being withdrawn and me becoming more needy. We had a big fight in person on Valentine's day and then another one on the phone last Monday when he told me it's not working out and said we'll talk another day. Next night I got a heart condition, probably because of stress, anxiety and not being able to sleep during those days - something similar had happened to me in the past too. After my incident we slowly started talking again. He even started contacting me first and was involved into chatting, so I suggested to meet on Saturday and grab some beer, thinking that we either could resolve the issues or it would be for final closure.

 

So we met and it actually turned out to be a wonderful evening and we spent it drinking beer, talking, dancing, making out. It quickly got the spark back on. We had to part that night without sleeping over at my or his place, but continued texting throughout the rest of the night and Sunday. He suggested to come to my place yesterday and we had a great night as well. He also told me something very important for this relationship.

 

He was thinking very intensively why all of his relationships end in the same manner and came to a conclusion that he might have ADD/ADHD. Reading more about it and how it affects both the person itself and the relationship the person has, made his assumption even stronger. He read how I feel in the relationship when he withdraws and needs space or has it hard to concentrate on multiple things at once and says he understands me better and wants to work on it. Besides he said he will seek help for the restlessness that is keeping him exhausted and doesn't let him relax. He did have this diagnosis as a child but it seems like it followed him into his adult life too.

 

I also read about a relationship with ADHD person and it describes things pretty accurately. The most important thing is that my boyfriend made it clear he wants to work on things and understand me, if I'm willing to understand him. He said he gets impulses to withdraw and be on his own time after time and that it's not personal towards me at all. Basically the main problem in such relationship is that the ADHD person feels micromanaged, suffocated and never good enough, while his/hers partner feels lonely, ignored and taking whole the responsibility. But it's possible to make it work. Now he got his alone time and is back to being intensive and passionate like he was in the beginning and he recognizes that, so I guess it's a first step to getting a better communication.

 

If ADD/ADHD really is the case (which it really seems to be, and we'll get it confirmed when he goes through evaluation), then it's way easier to deal with. If I know, that periods when he's into his work or needs to be on his own is just a symptom and not because he doesn't care, it's not gonna make me that anxious. Him being aware about my needs would also help.

So suddenly I see a whole different light on this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I honestly think it would be better for you both to get to a healthy place, independently of each other. And then reconnect. At the moment, the dynamic isn't healthy for either of you.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Whatever path you take, I wish you well, girl.

[Gaeta]

You're like fire and water trying to date.

 

Eventually you'll both get exhausted and quit.

 

Sooner than later I hope.

 

It really sucks when you get a certain age and you realize you've wasted your best years on the wrong person.

[joseb]

 

It really sucks when you get a certain age and you realize you've wasted your best years on the wrong person.

 

Oh how true that is!

[Lorenza]

You're like fire and water trying to date.

 

Eventually you'll both get exhausted and quit.

 

Sooner than later I hope.

 

It really sucks when you get a certain age and you realize you've wasted your best years on the wrong person.

 

People have issues, that doesn't mean that you need to give up on them or that you've wasted your life on them. I know I'm not a piece of candy either. If he wants to work on himself and openly admitted his issues, it's a step to right direction. If it falls apart again, so be it... I'm 25, haven't got a finished education yet nor have the mental capacity to build a family right now anyway, there's no rush...

[ExpatInItaly]

People have issues, that doesn't mean that you need to give up on them or that you've wasted your life on them. I know I'm not a piece of candy either. If he wants to work on himself and openly admitted his issues, it's a step to right direction. If it falls apart again, so be it... I'm 25, haven't got a finished education yet nor have the mental capacity to build a family right now anyway, there's no rush...

 

That's true, but you need to look at the price you're already paying. Your reaction to his behaviour suggests you're not yet equipped to deal with his issues. Requiring hospitalization, probably as a result of the distress you were experiencing thanks to him, is a clear indication you're not in a good place right now. I would caution even the most secure and independent of women against getting involved with someone who blows hot and cold the way he does, regardless of what's causing that inconsistent behaviour.

 

Sure, he's burning hot right now but you already know what's probably coming next.

 

Need to look out for Numero Uno too. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, they're just not a good match for us. Tread very cautiously here, OP

[Emilia]

The issue is that you are drawn to rollercoaster relationships OP and you are trying to justify your addiction to the highs. Until you decide that it's mentally healthier for you to wean yourself off and to become a less needy person with healthy boundaries, you will struggle.

[elaine567]

People have issues, that doesn't mean that you need to give up on them or that you've wasted your life on them. I know I'm not a piece of candy either. If he wants to work on himself and openly admitted his issues, it's a step to right direction. If it falls apart again, so be it... I'm 25, haven't got a finished education yet nor have the mental capacity to build a family right now anyway, there's no rush...

 

I think that whilst the Adult ADHD provisional diagnosis, gives you a reason as to why this man acts the way he does, it doesn't really help the situation.

Two individuals struggling with mental health issues, are going to find it difficult to truly help each other. They will likely find it difficult to be a positive force in the life of the other.

 

Perhaps you both need to find people who are more stable.

People who can introduce stability into your lives, weed out the chaos, and not keep creating it.

[Gaeta]

If we gather all of your threads we would find he blew hot and cold many times, came to some type of realization many times, swore he would change many times.

 

Now he looks on Internet and diagnosed himself with some type if syndrome and everything will be alright. You know how many times l diagnosed myself with cancer looking online@

 

And at last, norway health system is too overloaded to properly diagnose and treat your anxiety but they will properly diagnose and treat him.?

Edited February 23, 2016 by Gaeta

[Lorenza]

If we gather all of your threads we would find he blew hot and cold many times, came to some type of realization many times, swore he would change many times.

 

Now he looks on Internet and diagnosed himself with some type if syndrome and everything will be alright. You know how many times l diagnosed myself with cancer looking online@

 

And at last, norway health system is too overloaded to properly diagnose and treat your anxiety but they will properly diagnose and treat him.?

 

He's a former cancer patient, it's different when you have constant care and check ups.

[Gaeta]

He's a former cancer patient, it's different when you have constant care and check ups.

 

hon, I don't want to rain on your parade but you take anyone on here, you over work them, stress them, give them financial problems, give them a father with recent cancer, give them a cligny girlfriend and they will ALL show symptoms of ADHD.

 

Your boyfriend is simply over worked, over stressed, and a workaholic trying to catch up on lost years.

[Lorenza]

hon, I don't want to rain on your parade but you take anyone on here, you over work them, stress them, give them financial problems, give them a father with recent cancer, give them a cligny girlfriend and they will ALL show symptoms of ADHD.

 

Your boyfriend is simply over worked, over stressed, and a workaholic trying to catch up on lost years.

 

I'm not a clingy girlfriend - I get clingy and afraid when someone withdraws. If things are fine and I see that my partner is into me, I'm by no means clingy, unless wanting some contact during the day is considered clingy (depends on who you ask).

No, he does show clear signs of Adhd - he has hundreds of projects on his mind, can't sleep cause he feels there are more useful things to do, jumps from thought to thought, can barely sit still and idle even when he is exhausted. He told me a couple of times that he would like to relax and not feel like he needs to do something. And he did have child adhd.

Well we'll find out soon

[katiegrl]

Hi

 

......give them a clingy girlfriend and they will ALL show symptoms of ADHD.

 

.

 

Lorenza, since you are so intent on staying with this guy, you will need to change too.

 

For starters this means becoming less of the above --clingy.

 

Which means let go of your expectation that he call every night since he has already told you ( in a rather harsh manner), he is not into it and gets too busy. .

 

If he does not return your text or call right away, don't freak out and text/call him four times begging him to call.

 

When he comes over and is working on his laptop, go do your own thing, and leave him alone.

 

You need to accept that this man needs ALOT of space. This is his nature and is not gonna change and you need to be okay with this, otherwise this is NOT gonna work!

 

If you cannot accept this and adjust your behavior and attitude accordingly by expecting/demanding less and becoming more independent ...... he WILL blow cold again, guarantee.

 

Your choice.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, since you are so intent on staying with this guy, you will need to change too.

 

For starters this means becoming less of the above --clingy.

 

Which means let go of your expectation that he call every night. If he does not return your text or call right away, don't freak out and call text/call him four times begging him to call.

 

When he comes over and is working on his laptop, go do your own thing, and leave him alone.

 

You need to accept that this man's needs ALOT of space. This is not gonna change.

 

If you cannot accept this and adjust accordingly by expecting/demanding less and becoming more independent ...... he WILL blow cold again, guarantee.

 

Your choice.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, I realized that I need to not panick when he needs his time. One more reason why I don't want to end is that I don't think it's good for me to be with a man who will be 100% all about the relationship - my professional goals require me to be active and outgoing, it would be bad for me to submerge into a relationship. That's why I think it's good for me to reduce my needs instead of finding someone who'll nurture them. In a perfect scenario I should take that time off to do my things and it would be so much less stressful knowing that my boyfriend withdraws to be on his own for a while because his brain can't handle it all and needs to recharge rather than him losing interest or not caring.

 

And once again, he's not always like that, he is super passionate, affectionate and sweet when he manages to relax. Whenever we are out in the town or on chill mode, we have awesome time and our character and humour clicks well. It's just those stressed out moments that we both need to manage better..

[Gaeta]

And once again, he's not always like that, he is super passionate, affectionate and sweet when he manages to relax. Whenever we are out in the town or on chill mode, we have awesome time and our character and humour clicks well. It's just those stressed out moments that we both need to manage better..

 

And you're a good girlfriend as long as he's attentive. But a good life partner needs to be strong and reliable in tough times as well, not only cute and loving in good times. When the going gets tough he needs someone that can stand on her own and is rock to him, not someone that goes me me me.

[Lorenza]

And you're a good girlfriend as long as he's attentive. But a good life partner needs to be strong and reliable in tough times as well, not only cute and loving in good times. When the going gets tough he needs someone that can stand on her own and is rock to him, not someone that goes me me me.

 

I know, but I really wasn't sure what's happening with him or if he simply doesn't want to be together and is trying to fade. Now I know, or at least assume.

[Fruitee]

Imho youre wasting your time. Youre not ready to let go and move on and you dont think you deserve someone better so you got hooked and accepted his excuse like fish. Work on your self esteem and realize there are better guys out there who dont make you weak and clingy. He is not that special. Trust me.