Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[Redhead14]

Red, Lorenza was the one to initiate the sex.

 

Lorenza ...I am no shrink, but from everything you have posted, including about your childhood, etc, what I see is a girl who never received love, attention or nurturing from her dad.... and who is now compulsively searching for that love, attention and *nurturing* from and via her boyfriends.

 

To compensate for what she never received from her dad.

 

This guy is not able to give you that....and never will be.

 

Again, please seek help and hope you feel better soon.

 

She initiated it, he went with it. He knows how vulnerable she is and took advantage of the situation. She allowed herself to be used, and he is a d*ck.

 

She clearly has abandonment fears compounded by some other things IMO obviously related to her history. She needs to focus on all that and address them head on or she will never have the kind of relationship she wants and needs.

[katiegrl]

She initiated it, he went with it. He knows how vulnerable she is and took advantage of the situation. She allowed herself to be used, and he is a d*ck.

 

She clearly has abandonment fears compounded by some other things IMO obviously related to her history. She needs to focus on all that and address them head on or she will never have the kind of relationship she wants and needs.

 

I think she realizes this now. Or is starting to anyway.

 

Wish you the best Lorenza...and pls keep us posted!

 

hugs

[Gaeta]

A lot of people suffer from abandonment issues and are still in good relationships and are able to experience happiness and fulfillment.

 

For that you need to meet the right person.

 

We are all suffering from something, we just need to be aware of it.

 

My ex-sister in law lost her father at 8 yo. Once adult she only dated much older men. We all knew she was looking for a father through these relationships. Was it bad? No, as long as she met the right man and she did. In her early 20s she met a man 30 years older than her and they have been together 25 years now. He adored her and gave her the security she always craved.

 

Lorenza you know you suffer from abandonment so just be aware of it and only look for men that are attentive and have time to make you feel loved and secure. Stay away from workaholic, men that need space, etc.

[katiegrl]

A lot of people suffer from abandonment issues and are still in good relationships and are able to experience happiness and fulfillment.

 

For that you need to meet the right person.

 

We are all suffering from something, we just need to be aware of it.

 

My ex-sister in law lost her father at 8 yo. Once adult she only dated much older men. We all knew she was looking for a father through these relationships. Was it bad? No, as long as she met the right man and she did. In her early 20s she met a man 30 years older than her and they have been together 25 years now. He adored her and gave her the security she always craved.

 

Lorenza you know you suffer from abandonment so just be aware of it and only look for men that are attentive and have time to make you feel loved and secure. Stay away from workaholic, men that need space, etc.

 

So, are you suggesting that she *not* seek help to resolve her anxiety and abandonment issues ...and that the *right* man will make it all go away, and they will live happily ever after?

 

If so, I completely disagree with that.

 

She will never feel safe and secure in a relationship until she feels secure *within herself* first. And that takes resolving her own issues, and not expecting a man to resolve them for her. Via the amount of attention, caring and love she expects from him in order to feel secure.

 

That is a huge burden to put on a man, and it will drive most emotionally healthy men away.

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I think she realizes this now. Or is starting to anyway.

 

Wish you the best Lorenza...and pls keep us posted!

 

hugs

 

I don't think she does. She has been vacillating throughout the entire thread between saying "yeah, you guys are right", saying she knows she has things to work on for herself and then doing things like letting him back in, having sex with him, when she was giving/taking a two week break. Until she actually stops minimizing, talking to him altogether and stops thinking about him and starts thinking about her needs, how all this affected her, she's not going to move forward. When this thread turns into a thread that's all about HER, then she will be at a place of acceptance and able to move on.

 

She keeps bringing up "oh, he's so busy", "he's got weak nerves", he's so burdened", "he's struggling", "he got emotional and weepy", etc. She needs to start saying "I was unhappy with not hearing from him", I was unhappy about him working all the time, I wasn't having my needs met", then I will believe she's starting to move on at least. She just said a post or so above, "he didn't break up with me". He did break up with her. She is still living the fantasy.

[Lorenza]

I don't think she does. She has been vacillating throughout the entire thread between saying "yeah, you guys are right", saying she knows she has things to work on for herself and then doing things like letting him back in, having sex with him, when she was giving/taking a two week break. Until she actually stops minimizing, talking to him altogether and stops thinking about him and starts thinking about her needs, how all this affected her, she's not going to move forward. When this thread turns into a thread that's all about HER, then she will be at a place of acceptance and able to move on.

 

I don't I do completely understand everything either. I still have it hard to believe that what's happening is true. It feels that we just started, everything was so good and then all this. Trying my best to get a grasp on the situation, but right now I have anger mixed with pity and love mixed with disappointment. I kinda just want to be on my own, ignore that all this even exists for a while...

 

She keeps bringing up "oh, he's so busy", "he's got weak nerves", he's so burdened", "he's struggling", "he got emotional and weepy", etc. She needs to start saying "I was unhappy with not hearing from him", I was unhappy about him working all the time, I wasn't having my needs met", then I will believe she's starting to move on at least. She just said a post or so above, "he didn't break up with me". He did break up with her. She is still living the fantasy.

 

But he never said he broke up with me. He kept on saying the opposite all the freaking time, even when he called me on Saturday. I think he wants to keep the cake and eat it...

[Redhead14]

I don't I do completely understand everything either. I still have it hard to believe that what's happening is true. It feels that we just started, everything was so good and then all this. Trying my best to get a grasp on the situation, but right now I have anger mixed with pity and love mixed with disappointment. I kinda just want to be on my own, ignore that all this even exists for a while...

 

 

 

But he never said he broke up with me. He kept on saying the opposite all the freaking time, even when he called me on Saturday. I think he wants to keep the cake and eat it...

 

Yeah, he danced around it, hoping you'd get the message and you didn't. He went along with it because he didn't want to deal with his own hurt. You made it easier for him and so he didn't really have to. Since he is weak, he didn't drive the message home. He does want his cake and eat it too. He wants the cake to be his kind, eat it on his own time and leave the crumbs for you to eat.

 

I think he wants to keep the cake and eat it... -- You KNOW that's what he wants.

 

It feels that we just started, everything was so good and then all this -- Everything was not so good -- he ignored you, worked constantly, didn't keep in touch, snapped at you for calling, etc. and all this started early in these 4 months. And 4 months is nothing, imagine another few months, a year, etc. because that's how long you could be dealing with this situation if you don't starting thinking about yourself.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza, I brought this up either earlier in this thread, or another thread, but it sounds to me like you are caught up in a sort of *love addiction*.

 

Pls don't dismiss that, love addiction is very real, just as real as a drug addiction or alcohol addiction.

 

Your *drug* of choice is this dysfunctional relationship and *boyfriend*.... and you need your fix!

 

Much like a heroin addict, you KNOW it's bad for you but you are having a difficult time kicking it nevertheless. Because you are addicted.

 

This is evidenced by so many things, but specifically when he lost his temper, accused you of attempting to cut his balls off, and other horrible things .....and, in response, instead of walking out (which would have been the healthy response) ...you broke down and had a panic attack.

 

You felt him withholding his *love* ...and you panicked - you needed your fix!

 

So you had a panic attack, after which he *comforted* you .....and you had sex (your fix!).

 

Problem is, and again much like a drug addict, it gets to a point where even when you get your fix ...you STILL feel bad ...worse even!

 

Please consider this and again, seek help.

 

You said this is now the third relationship within which the same thing keeps happening. It is becoming a pattern....which means it's time to do something about it or it will continue happening.

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

So, are you suggesting that she *not* seek help to resolve her anxiety and abandonment issues ...and that the *right* man will make it all go away, and they will live happily ever after?

 

If so, I completely disagree with that.

 

She will never feel safe and secure in a relationship until she feels secure *within herself* first. And that takes resolving her own issues, and not expecting a man to resolve them for her. Via the amount of attention, caring and love she expects from him in order to feel secure.

 

That is a huge burden to put on a man, and it will drive most emotionally healthy men away.

 

Not at all.

 

What I am saying is we all have dysfunctions at different degree and we don't all need to spend the rest of our life on a shink's sofa.

 

We throw too much 'seek therapy' on here. It's normal to have hung ups, it's normal to carry something from our childhood, we all do.

 

I am also not saying a man will solve her problems, I am saying she would be happy with the right man, as in a compatible man.

 

When I was a little girl my father worked around the clock. We saw him only a couple of hours on Sundays. Of course I carry some type of effect from this. The only way someone does not carry residual from their childhood is if they'd be raised in a jar full of cotton balls.

 

I grew up with workaholic you bet I am not gonna marry one and I don't need a shrink to tell me this about myself.

 

Lorenza knows what she needs in a relationship, she needs fusion, closeness, connection, presence, I am telling her to seek this in a man.

 

And frankly I think therapy is over-rated. If you are the victim of a rape, if you suffer from anger management, if you suffer from a mental illness ok, therapy will help you figure things out but not every little life booboo need therapy. Sometimes you've got to just get your sh$t together!

[Gaeta]

I don't think she does. She has been vacillating throughout the entire thread between saying "yeah, you guys are right", saying she knows she has things to work on for herself and then doing things like letting him back in, having sex with him.

 

All break up starts with vacillating.

 

You don't go from I love him so much to I am breaking up with him.

 

There is a process that needs to start.

 

All of us that have been through break ups we know this !

 

We start questioning things.

We start talking about it with friends.

We think breaking up is best

We change our mind then we think we can make it better

After a few deceptions we go back to wanting to break up

 

And it will go like this back and forth till she is fed up to the point of no -return and she'll break up.

 

On here it's like we suggest someone to break up on post #4 and we expect them to be broken up on post #8.

 

Lets let her go through her process.

[Lorenza]

All break up starts with vacillating.

 

You don't go from I love him so much to I am breaking up with him.

 

There is a process that needs to start.

 

All of us that have been through break ups we know this !

 

We start questioning things.

We start talking about it with friends.

We think breaking up is best

We change our mind then we think we can make it better

After a few deceptions we go back to wanting to break up

 

And it will go like this back and forth till she is fed up to the point of no -return and she'll break up.

 

On here it's like we suggest someone to break up on post #4 and we expect them to be broken up on post #8.

 

Lets let her go through her process.

 

Thanks Gaeta, you made me feel a bit better about not being able to end it immediately, I was wondering if I'm seriously fuoucked up for seeing such clear signs and yet having such a hard time breaking up anyway. It always seemed to me that other people have it easier to go through it.

I do feel like going from loving him to cutting all ties with him is extremely difficult. However I noticed that last week he only came to me twice and one of those times just for a couple of hours - he was gone next morning. So maybe he started the fading process even before me.

I just would like to feel that it's ok to not have it easy to break up with him. It hasn't even gone 2 months since he met me in the harbour, coming back from abroad and we were so overwhealmed to see each other and were telling each other we won't part for so long (14 days) ever again and later cuddled and said to each other that if there was a heaven, it could be just an eternal cuddle with each other. I need some time to digest what have happened and why it spiraled down so fast from there...

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I respect your experiences and opinions.

 

And if you see no (or little) benefit to therapy, so be it. Whatever works (or doesn't work) for you.

 

But frankly, I think having panic and anxiety attacks simply because a man doesn't return your calls in a timely fashion, or doesn't call as often as you would like, or contemplating asking him to set an alarm, so as to remind him to call you, lest you have another anxiety attack, goes a little deeper than merely "getting your shyt together."

 

I also think having a full blown panic attack as a result of your boyfriend being unhappy or angry with you, after which you initiate sex to feel *closer* when the correct and healthy response would be to simply walk out, goes a little deeper than merely getting your shyt together.

 

And how would you propose she get her shyt together anyway? Do you think that, after a childhood of unhappy experiences and lack of a loving caring family unit, followed by years of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships with men, all of which Lorenza has admitted, that she is simply gonna take a break and miraculously wake up one day and suddenly have her shyt together?

 

Having the right therapist can be a life saver for many many people.

 

Therapy saved my life, literally!

 

Yes we all have issues, some deeper than others. And yes, while finding a person with whom we are compatible is of paramount importance, if one doesn't take steps to resolve their issues...it won't matter how compatible you are, unresolved issues within yourself will eventually destroy any relationship.

 

I think by advising that Lorenza dismiss the idea of finding a good qualified therapist to help her work through her very serious anxiety and abandonment issues ..is doing her a great disservice.

 

Like I said, therapy literally saved my life...it you don't believe in it, that is your prerogative, but I believe she (and everyone) should explore every opportunity available to her to become a more healthy and happy person, so these unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns don't keep repeating...as they appear to be doing now.

 

They are not gonna disappear on their own...just because we want them to.

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Thanks Gaeta, you made me feel a bit better about not being able to end it immediately, I was wondering if I'm seriously fuoucked up for seeing such clear signs and yet having such a hard time breaking up anyway. It always seemed to me that other people have it easier to go through it.

I do feel like going from loving him to cutting all ties with him is extremely difficult. However I noticed that last week he only came to me twice and one of those times just for a couple of hours - he was gone next morning. So maybe he started the fading process even before me.

I just would like to feel that it's ok to not have it easy to break up with him. It hasn't even gone 2 months since he met me in the harbour, coming back from abroad and we were so overwhealmed to see each other and were telling each other we won't part for so long (14 days) ever again and later cuddled and said to each other that if there was a heaven, it could be just an eternal cuddle with each other. I need some time to digest what have happened and why it spiraled down so fast from there...

 

Lorenza: No one said it would/should be easy. It's not. We've all been there. And, there are some of us who've had to move on from relationships that were much longer than 4 months old. It's a process. But, in order to make the process start and be a little bit easier, you just need to "rip the bandaid". This is painful and it's a wound. If you keep talking to and/or seeing him, and dwelling you are essentially picking at and opening the wound over and over again. You can't start to heal. If you turn away from dealing with things just because it's hard, your life will be more difficult than it needs to be.

 

Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but don't dwell. Force yourself to distract yourself at least a little bit. If you don't do that, especially in your case, the anxiety will become overwhelming. Try to process everything in smaller bits.

 

And, remember this, you've had a very difficult childhood. But, you are still "here". You are a survivor -- much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[Gaeta]

But frankly, I think having panic and anxiety attacks simply because a man doesn't return your calls in a timely fashion, or doesn't call as often as you would like, or contemplating asking him to set an alarm, so as to remind him to call you, lest you have another anxiety attack, goes a little deeper than merely "getting your shyt together."

 

I also think having a full blown panic attack as a result of your boyfriend being unhappy or angry with you, after which you initiate sex to feel *closer* when the correct and healthy response would be to simply walk out, goes a little deeper than merely getting your shyt together.

 

The first panic attack you are referring to is an old story and she said she got much better and she is not like this any longer. I don't think we should bring this in the equation.

 

Not all people having panic attack are in need of therapy. I had a panic attack when I discovered my ex was cheating. I also had a panic attack when my ex died 2 years ago. People will have panic attack when faced with sudden emotional situation.

 

And how would you propose she get her shyt together anyway? Do you think that, after a childhood of unhappy experiences and lack of a loving caring family unit, followed by years of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships with men, all of which Lorenza has admitted, that she is simply gonna take a break and miraculously wake up one day and suddenly have her shyt together?

I just did not feel she was at the point of seeking therapy. To me therapy is for people unable to function anymore. You get your shyt together by taking a break and seeking personal development. There are many ways to seek personal development and one of them is by joining a support group.

 

I also want to add therapy is not something available to everyone. Where I live a 50 min therapy meeting is $180. Then they'll want you once a week on their couch, that's $720 a month, who can afford that.

 

I am not telling Lorenza to not go to therapy if she wants to go. If she can afford it and can benefit from it, sure. I am only saying I am not seeing in Lorenza the fragile little girl that you and Redhead are seeing.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, I brought this up either earlier in this thread, or another thread, but it sounds to me like you are caught up in a sort of *love addiction*.

 

Pls don't dismiss that, love addiction is very real, just as real as a drug addiction or alcohol addiction.

 

Your *drug* of choice is this dysfunctional relationship and *boyfriend*.... and you need your fix!

 

Much like a heroin addict, you KNOW it's bad for you but you are having a difficult time kicking it nevertheless. Because you are addicted.

 

This is evidenced by so many things, but specifically when he lost his temper, accused you of attempting to cut his balls off, and other horrible things .....and, in response, instead of walking out (which would have been the healthy response) ...you broke down and had a panic attack.

 

You felt him withholding his *love* ...and you panicked - you needed your fix!

 

So you had a panic attack, after which he *comforted* you .....and you had sex (your fix!).

 

Problem is, and again much like a drug addict, it gets to a point where even when you get your fix ...you STILL feel bad ...worse even!

 

Please consider this and again, seek help.

 

You said this is now the third relationship within which the same thing keeps happening. It is becoming a pattern....which means it's time to do something about it or it will continue happening.

 

I don't know anymore, maybe... Or I think I just get attached to people really fast and have an unhealthy habit of taking the blame on myself. When we had an argument and he said those things to me, like accusing me of wanting the total control of him, I started losing my position (typical of me in arguments, if some anger and raised tone is involved - I bail) and feeling guilty. The thing is, I asked him to sit down next to me and before giving him his present, I started talking about the whole ignoring my calls things. He got upset quite fast and said that I treat him like a little child by sitting him down and lecturing as if he's gonna get his present, but he didn't deserve it. Things spiraled down from there for him.

 

So I accepted that it was fault, since it did sound like it wasn't nice of me. I proceeded to tell him things I'm ashamed to even tell you that I've said. Like about my abandonment issues and that I'm afraid to lose him (boooooooo me). Then I talked about how sorry I am to hear about his dad and that if my dad was diagnosed with cancer I'd lose it. That was when I started gasping for air and having the whole anxiety attack. He started comforting me and telling me nice so afterwards I kinda felt like he deserved sex and that I wanted to him that and feel that closeness.

 

Maybe I really am fouuocked up.

 

But it's not easy to seek therapy here in Norway. It's a long process to get assigned to a psychologist at a public health care. Last time, 4 years ago, I "succeeded" because I was taken to the acute psychiatric room because of self harm. But even then I needed to exaggerate my state to make them even consider me as someone who needs therapy.

Private shrinks aren't something I can afford...

[Gaeta]

But it's not easy to seek therapy here in Norway. It's a long process to get assigned to a psychologist at a public health care. Last time, 4 years ago, I "succeeded" because I was taken to the acute psychiatric room because of self harm. But even then I needed to exaggerate my state to make them even consider me as someone who needs therapy.

Private shrinks aren't something I can afford...

 

That's what I thought seeing you are in Norway, we have a similar health system.

[Lorenza]

Just to make one thing clear - I didn't have an unhappy childhood. My dad was often working abroad, yes, but otherwise I had a pretty normal childhood, except the fact that I was the only child and completely guarded by my overprotective mom. She lived and breathed for me and would freak out at each and every cough of mine. I grew up in a small town and was living the same little life for 16 years, until all the **** started happening which fouucked me up. Parents divorce, dad's cheating and complete absence for 2 years, mom's depression etc. But the worst was me moving abroad at the age of 18. I had a rocky start to put it mildly. There were days when I was alone and starving in my little room with no internet, there were days I had fight my way through all the bureaucracy by myself and it's not easy for a girl from a guarded environment without knowing the language, the laws, not knowing anybody but my dad who was involved with his new family and didn't help me much and there were days when I wanted to rip my face off because all the stress cause me severe acne and disfigurement (I used to modell, so it crushed me completely). I started self-harming, tried to overdose pills, almost got into a trap that was disguised as a normal job.

 

Don't know why I'm even writing this, but it's kinda therapeutic I guess...

[katiegrl]

I don't know anymore, maybe... Or I think I just get attached to people really fast and have an unhealthy habit of taking the blame on myself. When we had an argument and he said those things to me, like accusing me of wanting the total control of him, I started losing my position (typical of me in arguments, if some anger and raised tone is involved - I bail) and feeling guilty. The thing is, I asked him to sit down next to me and before giving him his present, I started talking about the whole ignoring my calls things. He got upset quite fast and said that I treat him like a little child by sitting him down and lecturing as if he's gonna get his present, but he didn't deserve it. Things spiraled down from there for him.

 

So I accepted that it was fault, since it did sound like it wasn't nice of me. I proceeded to tell him things I'm ashamed to even tell you that I've said. Like about my abandonment issues and that I'm afraid to lose him (boooooooo me). Then I talked about how sorry I am to hear about his dad and that if my dad was diagnosed with cancer I'd lose it. That was when I started gasping for air and having the whole anxiety attack. He started comforting me and telling me nice so afterwards I kinda felt like he deserved sex and that I wanted to him that and feel that closeness.

 

Maybe I really am fouuocked up.

 

But it's not easy to seek therapy here in Norway. It's a long process to get assigned to a psychologist at a public health care. Last time, 4 years ago, I "succeeded" because I was taken to the acute psychiatric room because of self harm. But even then I needed to exaggerate my state to make them even consider me as someone who needs therapy.

Private shrinks aren't something I can afford...

 

Okay sweetie, I am sorry. I did not realize you were in Norway. Yes I am aware of how difficult it is to get the proper health care there.

 

Somehow, you do need to get stronger. Emotionally. Realizing your unhealthy patterns is a good start.

 

Yes, do start getting back to your music and focus on that ...it sounds like that made you very happy and gave you a sense of peace.

 

And please gather the strength to leave this guy. Do not feel guilty. He is not a child, he will be FINE.

 

You take care of you. You are your first priority. Your happiness and peace of mind comes before anything.

 

Please remember that.

[Redhead14]

I don't know anymore, maybe... Or I think I just get attached to people really fast and have an unhealthy habit of taking the blame on myself. When we had an argument and he said those things to me, like accusing me of wanting the total control of him, I started losing my position (typical of me in arguments, if some anger and raised tone is involved - I bail) and feeling guilty. The thing is, I asked him to sit down next to me and before giving him his present, I started talking about the whole ignoring my calls things. He got upset quite fast and said that I treat him like a little child by sitting him down and lecturing as if he's gonna get his present, but he didn't deserve it. Things spiraled down from there for him.

 

So I accepted that it was fault, since it did sound like it wasn't nice of me. I proceeded to tell him things I'm ashamed to even tell you that I've said. Like about my abandonment issues and that I'm afraid to lose him (boooooooo me). Then I talked about how sorry I am to hear about his dad and that if my dad was diagnosed with cancer I'd lose it. That was when I started gasping for air and having the whole anxiety attack. He started comforting me and telling me nice so afterwards I kinda felt like he deserved sex and that I wanted to him that and feel that closeness.

 

Maybe I really am fouuocked up.

 

But it's not easy to seek therapy here in Norway. It's a long process to get assigned to a psychologist at a public health care. Last time, 4 years ago, I "succeeded" because I was taken to the acute psychiatric room because of self harm. But even then I needed to exaggerate my state to make them even consider me as someone who needs therapy.

Private shrinks aren't something I can afford...

 

"if my dad was diagnosed with cancer I'd lose it. That was when I started gasping for air and having the whole anxiety attack". -- BINGO! You have just tapped into the root of all your anxieties and "issues". You told us earlier you had an anxiety attack but you left this part out. I find that interesting. But, can you see now why when your BF (so to speak), wasn't keeping in touch and ignoring you would cause you anxiety? This isn't about losing this man . . .

 

While your father didn't have cancer, you did "lose" your father. And, as Gaeta, said earlier, you've been spending your life now seeking to "find" that type of relationship and when you have a relationship you start fearing you will lose it.

 

There are things you can do for yourself if you can't afford counseling. But, you need to resolve yourself to do them. It's a process and not an event and you have to be patient with yourself. Feel free to PM me if you want to. We are all here for you.

[joseb]

I

He started comforting me and telling me nice so afterwards I kinda felt like he deserved sex and that I wanted to him that and feel that closeness.

 

Maybe I really am fouuocked up.

 

Yikes, that's a really weird way to think Lorenza. He "deserved" sex?

 

Anyway, if therapy isn't an option, I think you should take time out of dating.

You seem to get too easily attached to guys who don't seem to care about you at all. Have you been single for any long period of time?

[katiegrl]

Just to make one thing clear - I didn't have an unhappy childhood. My dad was often working abroad, yes, but otherwise I had a pretty normal childhood, except the fact that I was the only child and completely guarded by my overprotective mom. She lived and breathed for me and would freak out at each and every cough of mine. I grew up in a small town and was living the same little life for 16 years, until all the **** started happening which fouucked me up. Parents divorce, dad's cheating and complete absence for 2 years, mom's depression etc. But the worst was me moving abroad at the age of 18. I had a rocky start to put it mildly. There were days when I was alone and starving in my little room with no internet, there were days I had fight my way through all the bureaucracy by myself and it's not easy for a girl from a guarded environment without knowing the language, the laws, not knowing anybody but my dad who was involved with his new family and didn't help me much and there were days when I wanted to rip my face off because all the stress cause me severe acne and disfigurement (I used to modell, so it crushed me completely). I started self-harming, tried to overdose pills, almost got into a trap that was disguised as a normal job.

 

Don't know why I'm even writing this, but it's kinda therapeutic I guess...

 

Thank you for sharing Lorenza and I am sorry you went through all that.

 

But hey, you should feel proud and strong that you survived it! Not everyone would have.

 

Also, just an idea, but since you find it therapeutic to write down your thoughts and feelings, have you ever considered starting a journal?

 

We have a section on this forum specifically for that purpose.

 

Writing our thoughts is extremely therapeutic, I am always doing that myself and it helps me a lot!

[Lorenza]

"if my dad was diagnosed with cancer I'd lose it. That was when I started gasping for air and having the whole anxiety attack". -- BINGO! You have just tapped into the root of all your anxieties and "issues". You told us earlier you had an anxiety attack but you left this part out. I find that interesting. But, can you see now why when your BF (so to speak), wasn't keeping in touch and ignoring you would cause you anxiety? This isn't about losing this man . . .

 

While your father didn't have cancer, you did "lose" your father. And, as Gaeta, said earlier, you've been spending your life now seeking to "find" that type of relationship and when you have a relationship you start fearing you will lose it.

 

There are things you can do for yourself if you can't afford counseling. But, you need to resolve yourself to do them. It's a process and not an event and you have to be patient with yourself. Feel free to PM me if you want to. We are all here for you.

 

Thanks Redhead, I wrote a private message to you...

[Lorenza]

Yikes, that's a really weird way to think Lorenza. He "deserved" sex?

 

Anyway, if therapy isn't an option, I think you should take time out of dating.

You seem to get too easily attached to guys who don't seem to care about you at all. Have you been single for any long period of time?

 

I jumped into a relationship with a narcissist guy right after my first big relationship ended (that lasted 3 years, the third years LDR), like literally weeks after ending it. After the narcissist guy I was planning to take some time off of dating, but almost 3 months later I met the current guy and went head over heels for him and forgot all my independence plans... *sigh*

[Lorenza]

Thank you for sharing Lorenza and I am sorry you went through all that.

 

But hey, you should feel proud and strong that you survived it! Not everyone would have.

 

Also, just an idea, but since you find it therapeutic to write down your thoughts and feelings, have you ever considered starting a journal?

 

We have a section on this forum specifically for that purpose.

 

Writing our thoughts is extremely therapeutic, I am always doing that myself and it helps me a lot!

 

Oh, thanks Katie, would be a great idea to start a journal

[Lorenza]

We just talked on phone, had a an argument and he told me it's not working and he can't do it any longer. So I guess it's over and I won't have to break it off myself...