Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[Lorenza]

When you are ready to end it, you just know, and it's usually not dramatic. When your emotions are high, you seek advice, but you are not ready to end it, or you break up then get back together. When your emotions are gone, you don't need advice, you are calm, and memories just fade away.

 

You think I'm not ready to end it yet?

[Maggie4]

You think I'm not ready to end it yet?

 

I don't know. You sound like you are ready. But you still have feelings for him, so it's hard...

[GemmaUK]

He shouldn't have to tell you his whereabouts and what he is doing all the time.

 

 

 

I agree with him, you seem very clingy and needy and he has every right to a life of his own, there will always be things he has to do or deal with which don't involve you - that's life!

 

Poor guy sounds completely smothered! I've experienced the same with men I have dated and it's a nightmare!

 

Apologies to all for my dreadful editing! Lol! The above was what I wanted to say.

 

OP, then you two are on totally different pages.

I'm not sure what it has to do with being Italian. I know many Italians who don't need to know their partners every move. It just sounds like you have no trust in him.

Basically, you're both very different in your expectations and should break up and find someone who does want to check in all of the time.

[Maggie4]

He seems very stressed. He doesn't want to end it, so he may pull you back.

[Fruitee]

This guy is total jerk. OP is not needy. Her needs are not being met. That's why she comes across "needy".

[elaine567]

This guy is total jerk. OP is not needy. Her needs are not being met. That's why she comes across "needy".

 

I agree.

He is totally self absorbed, he appears to listen to Lorenza's concerns, then continues on in his own merry way.

So after all that drama last night, " he just walked out without saying a goodbye to me."

He doesn't see the need to let her know about stuff that is happening in his life, nor write or call her if he is busy...

It is all on his terms, and that is not enough for Lorenza, nor many other women I would guess.

Who wants to be with a man who disappears, doesn't call and who won't answer his phone either? Who will not share his life and resents intrusion...

[Lorenza]

I agree.

He is totally self absorbed, he appears to listen to Lorenza's concerns, then continues on in his own merry way.

So after all that drama last night, " he just walked out without saying a goodbye to me."

He doesn't see the need to let her know about stuff that is happening in his life, nor write or call her if he is busy...

It is all on his terms, and that is not enough for Lorenza, nor many other women I would guess.

Who wants to be with a man who disappears, doesn't call and who won't answer his phone either? Who will not share his life and resents intrusion...

 

And swore he hate such women! He complained numerous times about the Norwegian girls and how cold they are, how they never took interest in what he does and kept distance, how even if he's born here, he doesn't share the same mentality... Now he acts like one of those girls he described! He misled me from the very beginning cause I was very clear with what I want and who I am. It seems that he lied to himself as well as the wish to be with an interesting pretty girl took over his reason and now when the initial passion went out, everything came out anyway...

 

The girl before me cut it off because of the very same reason btw...

[Fruitee]

^ i dont think this guy knows what he wants except easy sex.

[elaine567]

^ i dont think this guy knows what he wants except easy sex.

 

Yes, he managed to remember that part...

[Fruitee]

Yes, he managed to remember that part...

 

They always do. "Oh youre having panic attack? Lets have sex." "Oh you wanna break up? Lets have sex."

[Lorenza]

They always do. "Oh youre having panic attack? Lets have sex." "Oh you wanna break up? Lets have sex."

 

I think I kinda initiated it though... Felt like I needed closeness after having all that anxiety, he gladly took it. I think it would have been easier now if we didn't do it..

[joseb]

They always do. "Oh youre having panic attack? Lets have sex." "Oh you wanna break up? Lets have sex."

 

Cuts both ways.

 

Whenever I tried to break up with my ex initially she would have some kind of dramatic reaction that made me worry for her safety. Then seduce me. sure the makeup sex was good, but it really wasn't what I wanted. Took me a few goes to break free.

 

In this case, I think both Op and her bf are partly to blame. Expecting to know someones whereabouts Constantly is more like a parent child relationship. I would not put up with that.

On the other hand, the bf really does not seem to care too much for op or try to meet her half way.

 

I think everyone involved would be happier if you two parted ways, op.

[Fruitee]

I think I kinda initiated it though... Felt like I needed closeness after having all that anxiety, he gladly took it. I think it would have been easier now if we didn't do it..

 

Sex messes up with your head. So dont sleep with him anymore if you wanna break up with him.

[Lorenza]

Cuts both ways.

 

Whenever I tried to break up with my ex initially she would have some kind of dramatic reaction that made me worry for her safety. Then seduce me. sure the makeup sex was good, but it really wasn't what I wanted. Took me a few goes to break free.

 

In this case, I think both Op and her bf are partly to blame. Expecting to know someones whereabouts Constantly is more like a parent child relationship. I would not put up with that.

On the other hand, the bf really does not seem to care too much for op or try to meet her half way.

 

I think everyone involved would be happier if you two parted ways, op.

 

I don't even actually want to know about whereabouts, I just want to talk at least for 5 mins when we don't see each other... It makes me disconnected to not write a single thing to each other during the day. I'm not a jealous gf, I don't mind him taking a beer with friends, going to pubs or having meetings. I seriously just want to feel that for 5 min of his busy schedule he remembered that I exist, nothing more...

[joseb]

I don't even actually want to know about whereabouts, I just want to talk at least for 5 mins when we don't see each other... It makes me disconnected to not write a single thing to each other during the day. I'm not a jealous gf, I don't mind him taking a beer with friends, going to pubs or having meetings. I seriously just want to feel that for 5 min of his busy schedule he remembered that I exist, nothing more...

 

Yeah, when you say it like that he sounds like the unreasonable one.

 

Forget about the sex. Stuff happens.

 

I really think you would be better off with someone who is more on your page regarding contact.And who makes you more of a priority.

Edited February 15, 2016 by joseb

[hippychick3]

Sorry, OP. I hope you really have reached the end of your rope. This guy's utter rudeness, coldness, and dismissiveness should be enough reason to know this guy is the WRONG one for you. He doesn't value you or respect you and certainly doesn't fear losing you. Please don't let him suck you back in. You don't need to lose all feelings for him to break up with him. Use your anger (justified) to fuel your courage to end it for good.

[Gaeta]

I was really hurt by the fact that he ignored me for 2 days. Apparently he also went out to the Uni pub with a guy from his school on Friday, but didn't feel like giving me any update.

 

That means he doesn't have time to touch base with you for 2 days BUT he has time to contact his friend and set up a meeting with them AND go on a meeting with them.

 

He said that he is not gonna write or call me when he's busy and that I have no right to demand it. Freedom means everything to him. He didn't agree that he should have informed me about his dad's illness so that I'd stop worrying and thinking he is mad at me, because he doesn't have to go out of his way and feel like there is an obligation to write or inform about anything.

Then he doesn't want to be in a relationship! No you have no right to 'demand' he report to you but a person happy to be in a relationship will never leave his gf uninformed and in the dark for days. YES he should have informed you of his dad's illness!! not because he felt obligated but because you are his gf and you care about him and his family. If he doesn't feel it's important to tell you his father is sick then he doesn't understand the basic concept of relationships.

 

Nonetheless, he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that.

What an amazing reason to not break up with you !!! Not because he needs you in his life but because he doesn't want to go through the hassles of breaking up?? Aren't you insulted at that as I am?

 

I understand it's hard to break up from him and from the 'good times' but be honest with yourself the 'good times' were a long time ago. I read somewhere things were super good for 3 weeks or something. This relationship is now on life support. Unplug it.

 

Start by distancing yourself. Don't contact him AT ALL. Let a few days go by then tell him it's over. Don't meet with him. Just tell him over the phone and don't go into explaining why. Just tell him it's not working for you and good luck and hang up.

 

The man is giving you anxiety attack for goodness sake can't you see how destructive this relationship is?

[katiegrl]

That means he doesn't have time to touch base with you for 2 days BUT he has time to contact his friend and set up a meeting with them AND go on a meeting with them.

 

Then he doesn't want to be in a relationship! No you have no right to 'demand' he report to you but a person happy to be in a relationship will never leave his gf uninformed and in the dark for days. YES he should have informed you of his dad's illness!! not because he felt obligated but because you are his gf and you care about him and his family. If he doesn't feel it's important to tell you his father is sick then he doesn't understand the basic concept of relationships.

 

What an amazing reason to not break up with you !!! Not because he needs you in his life but because he doesn't want to go through the hassles of breaking up?? Aren't you insulted at that as I am?

 

I understand it's hard to break up from him and from the 'good times' but be honest with yourself the 'good times' were a long time ago. I read somewhere things were super good for 3 weeks or something. This relationship is now on life support. Unplug it.

 

Start by distancing yourself. Don't contact him AT ALL. Let a few days go by then tell him it's over. Don't meet with him. Just tell him over the phone and don't go into explaining why. Just tell him it's not working for you and good luck and hang up.

 

The man is giving you anxiety attack for goodness sake can't you see how destructive this relationship is?

 

^^This 100%.

 

And I am glad Lorenza is starting to see what I, and many others, saw two/three threads ago.

 

This guy is an emotional cripple, who doesn't give a crap about Lorenza or her feelings.

 

And to Lorenza .... I said this earlier, but if you don't end this toxic and dysfunctional relationship today, you are headed for an emotional breakdown yourself.

 

Your anxiety/panic attack wherin you were shaking and couldn't breathe is a clear indication that something is seriously seriously wrong!

 

And during this panic attack, you initiate sex to feel *closer* after the guy was yelling at you, throwing a tantrum and accusing you of attempting to "cut off his balls"?

 

Are you kidding me???

 

Please Lorenza ....end this today!!!!! And get some help for yourself so you never ever allow yourself to get into this same type of toxic situation again ...which you will if you don't seek help.

 

I am seriously worried about you.

 

Best of luck as you move forward! Without him!

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

If I read well Lorenza is Italian and BF is from South America?

[Redhead14]

Hey guys,

 

So he talked me into coming to my place yesterday... I thought that he's so keen on meeting because he has drawn some conclusions, but I was wrong.

The evening started out well, he brought some flowers for Valentine's, we had dinner and he was super sweet and lovely. It all changed when I wanted to give him his present and before that I tried to tell him that I was really hurt by the fact that he ignored me for 2 days. Apparently he also went out to the Uni pub with a guy from his school on Friday, but didn't feel like giving me any update. Maybe it was also a wrong approach to tell him that before giving his present, I admit that it wasn't so nice of me, but I felt like an idiot giving him a present after what happened (which I bought a week ago).

 

Anyways, he got really angry, stormed off to the bathroom a couple of times and said nothing that would indicate he's gonna change for me. He said that he is not gonna write or call me when he's busy and that I have no right to demand it. Freedom means everything to him. He didn't agree that he should have informed me about his dad's illness so that I'd stop worrying and thinking he is mad at me, because he doesn't have to go out of his way and feel like there is an obligation to write or inform about anything. Nonetheless, he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that. All the conversation he was very angry and let his temper take over, so at some point I got a full blown anxiety attack, like gasping for air, rapid heartbeat and flushing. He changed immediately and started comforting me, telling me things like: "Calm down darling, I'm here, I don't want us to break up". He managed to calm me down and then we had sex (which I regret now...).

 

In the morning (a couple of hours ago) he woke up to go to school, I said something about it being cold in the room and he knew I was awake when he collected his stuff and went downstairs to drink some coffee. Then... he just walked out without saying a goodbye to me. I called him asking why would he just walk out and he casually said there were only a few minutes left until the arrived so he had to run not to be late (he would normally always come and say goodbye).

 

I think this was the last drop... I cannot be with this guy and he won't change a damn thing for me. He needs freedom and a girl to have nice time occasionally, I need a man who would want to build something more than that. There is nowhere to go from here...

Probably will need a couple of days to gather my strength to tell him that and it doesn't feel as easy after that fight and the anxiety attack I got in front of him. I wished we could have parted calmly and peacefully... My stupid brain keeps on shoving me the best moments of our relationship and his best characteristics, his nice family, the wonderful things he told me and I feel such a pity...I still love him a lot. But it's all an illusion, because I know he can't be the guy I want. I wanted so little, just a call in the evenings, but for him, as he said it himself, it's me trying to chop his balls off.

 

Hope I can gather my sanity and strength and reason to break it off...

 

Oh, Lorenza, I'm sorry. But as much as it was mistake to even talk to him before the 2 weeks were up and to sleep with him certainly, it's also served a purpose . . . you are now seeing straight up the real him. He made time to go out with friends, he didn't want to tell you about father's illness, he was never going to make you a priority.

 

he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that -- He doesn't want to break up because it hurts him? Paleeze.

 

I am sure that you have some anger over all this and you should. He broke up with you, really needed some comfort apparently (sex) and it was all about him. He broke up with you then brought Valentine's gifts? This guy is a master manipulator. Be angry about that. This was disrespectful. Anger can be a useful emotion if handled properly. Use that anger to be the catalyst for ending it once and for all.

[katiegrl]

Red, Lorenza was the one to initiate the sex.

 

Lorenza ...I am no shrink, but from everything you have posted, including about your childhood, etc, what I see is a girl who never received love, attention or nurturing from her dad.... and who is now compulsively searching for that love, attention and *nurturing* from and via her boyfriends.

 

To compensate for what she never received from her dad.

 

This guy is not able to give you that....and never will be.

 

Again, please seek help and hope you feel better soon.

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Oh, Lorenza, I'm sorry. But as much as it was mistake to even talk to him before the 2 weeks were up and to sleep with him certainly, it's also served a purpose . . . you are now seeing straight up the real him. He made time to go out with friends, he didn't want to tell you about father's illness, he was never going to make you a priority.

 

he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that -- He doesn't want to break up because it hurts him? Paleeze.

 

I am sure that you have some anger over all this and you should. He broke up with you, really needed some comfort apparently (sex) and it was all about him. He broke up with you then brought Valentine's gifts? This guy is a master manipulator. Be angry about that. This was disrespectful. Anger can be a useful emotion if handled properly. Use that anger to be the catalyst for ending it once and for all.

 

I don't think he broke up with me. One of the first things he said when he came yesterday was that he wants to stay together. Then he almost cried talking about his dad and of course he got me there, I started crying myself, dropped down my guard and went to comfort him about it...

 

About going out friends and not finding time to answer my calls, he simply says that he wouldn't require me to inform him or feel obligated to write to him and explain what he does so shouldn't I. He doesn't seem to understand. It's just two completely different points of view and won't ever come together. Neither does he see why he should tell me about his dad straight away, despite telling me earlier in the relationship, that a GF is like a family member to him and that's why he hates breaking up - it hurts to lose a family member. But how am I a family member if he doesn't even give me the crucial info? Just freaking weird.

 

Call me naive, but I still have it so hard to believe that anything he says or does is to consciously manipulate. I feel he is damaged and besides has weak nerves. He says that he's got very little patience for arguments after his illness. When we fight, he often looks like he's about to lose it, but he doesn't really yell, just talks in a very irritated, very defensive manner and raised tone.

 

I'm starting to think, that maybe there is something in me as well. It's a third guy who treats me in exactly the same way. Whether I attract such guys or something in my behavior makes them try to get away from me.

My dad and his gf says I give too much too soon and start losing myself in the relationship quite early. It is in a way true, first 2 months with this guy I was active and had a lot of stuff going on, but since my bronchitis in January I abandoned singing and songwriting and was mostly at home on my sick leave. We had so many plans to work together, make a music video, I'd make soundtrack for his videos etc. The relationship kinda became the main thing for me after I became so uninspired in my field of work and maybe he felt it too and started shaking off the burden.

 

Anyway, we are both too dysfunctional to be in a relationship together and I'm starting to think I'm better off to be single for a while.

[Lorenza]

Red, Lorenza was the one to initiate the sex.

 

Lorenza ...I am no shrink, but from everything you have posted, including about your childhood, etc, what I see is a girl who never received love, attention or nurturing from her dad.... and who is now compulsively searching for that love, attention and *nurturing* from and via her boyfriends.

 

To compensate for what she never received from her dad.

 

This guy is not able to give you that....and never will be.

 

Again, please seek help and hope you feel better soon.

 

The thing is I have already gone through a year and a half of therapy where we worked a lot on my feelings about my dad. I've done anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, countless sessions with a very good shrink who made me realize a lot of things. However the only thing that has ever helped me to be a happy, not needy me, is my music, being creative, being on the stage, meeting people. I have abandoned it lately. I was making a lot of friends last year and organizing events for musicians, and now everything's gone. Each time I get into a relationship I start losing myself and I think, people who get involved with me get disappointed maybe.

 

This guy is not able to give me nurturing, but will anyone be able to? Maybe I need to nurture myself, do my thing and just fuouck the rest...

[Redhead14]

I don't think he broke up with me. One of the first things he said when he came yesterday was that he wants to stay together. Then he almost cried talking about his dad and of course he got me there, I started crying myself, dropped down my guard and went to comfort him about it...

 

About going out friends and not finding time to answer my calls, he simply says that he wouldn't require me to inform him or feel obligated to write to him and explain what he does so shouldn't I. He doesn't seem to understand. It's just two completely different points of view and won't ever come together. Neither does he see why he should tell me about his dad straight away, despite telling me earlier in the relationship, that a GF is like a family member to him and that's why he hates breaking up - it hurts to lose a family member. But how am I a family member if he doesn't even give me the crucial info? Just freaking weird.

 

Call me naive, but I still have it so hard to believe that anything he says or does is to consciously manipulate. I feel he is damaged and besides has weak nerves. He says that he's got very little patience for arguments after his illness. When we fight, he often looks like he's about to lose it, but he doesn't really yell, just talks in a very irritated, very defensive manner and raised tone.

 

I'm starting to think, that maybe there is something in me as well. It's a third guy who treats me in exactly the same way. Whether I attract such guys or something in my behavior makes them try to get away from me.

My dad and his gf says I give too much too soon and start losing myself in the relationship quite early. It is in a way true, first 2 months with this guy I was active and had a lot of stuff going on, but since my bronchitis in January I abandoned singing and songwriting and was mostly at home on my sick leave. We had so many plans to work together, make a music video, I'd make soundtrack for his videos etc. The relationship kinda became the main thing for me after I became so uninspired in my field of work and maybe he felt it too and started shaking off the burden.

 

Anyway, we are both too dysfunctional to be in a relationship together and I'm starting to think I'm better off to be single for a while.

 

I feel he is damaged and besides has weak nerves -- This is minimizing the situation in order to think of him as vulerable so that you feel sorry for him, which in turn, makes it more difficult to see that it goes beyond that. Until you stop minimizing and thinking maybe he needs you, you won't be able to break the cycle of letting him come and go as he pleases.

 

He did break up with you and you gave him 2 weeks to think about it. He wasn't going to change his mind. And, yes, we've been telling you you should stay single for quite some time. It's the only way to put the past behind you and get focused on YOU and coming to realize and work toward being the woman you want to be -- secure, independent and comfortable in her own skin.

 

I recommend simply going no contact with this guy now. No more discussion or seeking closure, whatever. Just break the chains. You will find yourself in a never ending back and forth dance with him. He comes into and out of your life on his schedule, you let him in, then he's out again. Just end it.

 

Your father and his girlfriend have wisdom, listen to them and us.

[katiegrl]

The thing is I have already gone through a year and a half of therapy where we worked a lot on my feelings about my dad. I've done anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, countless sessions with a very good shrink who made me realize a lot of things. However the only thing that has ever helped me to be a happy, not needy me, is my music, being creative, being on the stage, meeting people. I have abandoned it lately. I was making a lot of friends last year and organizing events for musicians, and now everything's gone. Each time I get into a relationship I start losing myself and I think, people who get involved with me get disappointed maybe.

 

 

 

 

----

 

**This guy is not able to give me nurturing, but will anyone be able to? Maybe I need to nurture myself, do my thing and just fuouck the rest...

 

^^^Yes!!! That is it exactly! Once you feel good and secure within yourself, and are able to give yourself what you need, your relationships will become a lot more healthy, happy and functional.

 

Once you start dating a man, you will still have needs of course .. but they won't be all consuming as they are now.

 

:bunny::bunny:

Edited February 15, 2016 by katiegrl