Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[Redhead14]

Thanks, i will. And sorry for saying that your yesterday's post was attacking, I didnt mean it

 

No apology necessary, Lorenza. Emotions were high, even on my end I only want the best for you . . .

[Gaeta]

I am happy you had an honest and open, calm, conversation. You seem more at peace. Enjoy the day tomorrow. What ever happens, whether you stay together or not, everything will be alright. *hugs*

[Lorenza]

Did he say how he wants to handle everything? He doesn't want to break up, or take a break, and he says he can't give you what you deserve.

 

It seems to me, (just my impression), that there was a power struggle when you called repeatedly, wanting him to pick up, and he stubbornly would not. He now hands you power on a silver platter, and you feel you can now walk away?

Do you love him?

 

Well, maybe take some time to think about the whole thing...

 

I do love him, but it feels better to know his reasons and finally understand what's happening. I usually feel like panicking when I'm completely in the dark not knowing if it's my fault and if I could have done more.

I'm crying my eyes out at the thought of splitting up! But it's not tears of desperation and anxiety anymore and feels more like normal sad tears, if you get what I mean? Maybe I'm weird

[Fruitee]

^ You are not weird. Stop blaming yourself for other peoples actions.

[Fruitee]

If the OP is this guys dream woman why he didnt pick up the phone when he finds out his dad is sick and seek comfort from his girlfriend? Just saying..

 

When something happens to me I reach out to my partner first then friends and family.

[Lois_Griffin]

If the OP is this guys dream woman why he didnt pick up the phone when he finds out his dad is sick and seek comfort from his girlfriend? Just saying..

 

When something happens to me I reach out to my partner first then friends and family.

Because he's using it as an excuse for why he doesn't have the energy or desire to constantly have to pacify her several times a day.

 

I'll give him credit. This guy is a real spin doctor.

[Lorenza]

If the OP is this guys dream woman why he didnt pick up the phone when he finds out his dad is sick and seek comfort from his girlfriend? Just saying..

 

When something happens to me I reach out to my partner first then friends and family.

 

He seems to only be able to be fully involved into one sphere at the time. I remember him telling how one of his exes was unhappy when he was involved moving his whole family to the country of our residence from his home home country and fixing their papers. He doesn't seem to be able to multitask in his life and it's been repeating all over again in each relationship.

He says he wants to change and learn, but I'm seriously wondering if it's even possible, knowing that he's been like that his whole life. So I asked him to be fully honest with himself and me.

[katiegrl]

Read the whole thread please and keep wrong conclusions and insults to yours. I'm reporting your post.

 

Lorenza, with respect ...you did the same thing with Redhead's post the other day. A post that happened to be *right on.*

 

Just because posters say things you don't agree with or you find painful to hear, does not mean what they say is any less valid than what another poster says that you agree with.

 

Both Redhead's post last week and Lois' today (which apparently has been deleted), do have a ring of truth to them, and as I said with Redhead's post, you would be wise to listen to or at least consider what they say.

 

Truth is, and you have acknowledged this, you *are* quite emotionally needy and extremely anxious, your partners all know this, and can feel quite pressured by it, even though that is not your intention.

 

Franky, I don't know if what your boyfriend *told* you is true ...he tells you a lot of things that IMO, and others, make absolutely no sense, and don't jive.

 

But that is not for me to decide.

 

Whatever happens in your relationship though ...please consider *everything* that has been posted here, including Lois' now-deleted posts, and LEARN. For next time, so these same issues don't pop up in your future relationships.

 

Which they will if you don't seek some professional help.

 

Wish you the best moving forward.

 

G'luck hun. Take good care.

Edited February 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, with respect ...you did the same thing with Redhead''s post the other day. A post that happened to be *right on.*

 

Just because posters say things you don't agree with or you find painful to hear, does not mean what they say is any less valid than what another poster says that you agree with.

 

Both Redhead's post last week and Lois' today (which apparently has been deleted), do have a ring of truth to them, and as I said with Redhead's post, you would be wise to listen or at least to consider what they say.

 

Truth is, and you have acknowledged this, you *are* quite emotionally needy and extremely anxious, your partners all know this, and can feel quite pressured by it, even though that is not your intention.

 

Franky, I don't know if what your boyfriend *told* you is true ...he tells you a lot of things that IMO, and others, make absolutely no sense, and don't jive.

 

But that is not for me to decide.

 

Whatever happens in your relationship though ...please consider *everything* that has been posted here, including Lois' posts, and LEARN. For next time, so these same issues don't pop up in your future relationships.

 

Which they will if you don't seek some professional help.

 

Wish you the best moving forward.

 

G'luck hun. Take good care.

 

I have not reported Readhead's post the other day. It was maybe harsh but not rude and demeaning like Lois' and I'm saying this with a clear mind and not in the middle of tears and hurt like the other day. I reconsidered what most of posters said, but not gonna include someone's who's spitefully calling my bf a dick or me an emotional cripple cause none of us are.

[katiegrl]

I have not reported Readhead's post the other day. It was maybe harsh but not rude and demeaning like Lois' and I'm saying this with a clear mind and not in the middle of tears and hurt like the other day. I reconsidered what most of posters said, but not gonna include someone's who's spitefully calling my bf a dick or me an emotional cripple cause none of us are.

 

Fair enough sweetie. Yes I agree it was quite harsh.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

hugs

[joseb]

If the OP is this guys dream woman why he didnt pick up the phone when he finds out his dad is sick and seek comfort from his girlfriend? Just saying..

 

When something happens to me I reach out to my partner first then friends and family.

 

OP, was he updating Facebook during this time?

[Gaeta]

I have not reported Readhead's post the other day. It was maybe harsh but not rude and demeaning like Lois' and I'm saying this with a clear mind and not in the middle of tears and hurt like the other day. I reconsidered what most of posters said, but not gonna include someone's who's spitefully calling my bf a dick or me an emotional cripple cause none of us are.

 

Lorenza is gonna do just fine. She has no problem identifying when an action is disrespectful toward her and she has enough self-confidence to point it and speak up.

 

Same way she sees the problems in this relationship, has identified them, and spoke up about them.

 

Now I feel everything has been said between her and him. She hopes he will be making efforts but deep down she knows it won't last. Some people need longer to process a break up.

 

Lorenza hon, you've just dated him 4 months. I understand we get attached after 4 months but it's still just 4 months and add to that a rocky 4 months. In the grand picture of life that is nothing.

 

One day you'll meet a compatible mate and you'll wonder why you hung on to this for so long.

[Lorenza]

OP, was he updating Facebook during this time?

 

He commented a picture of his relatives telling they need to skype soon and sending them hugs. Might be to tell them the bad news. Other than that, not much

[Redhead14]

He seems to only be able to be fully involved into one sphere at the time. I remember him telling how one of his exes was unhappy when he was involved moving his whole family to the country of our residence from his home home country and fixing their papers. He doesn't seem to be able to multitask in his life and it's been repeating all over again in each relationship.

He says he wants to change and learn, but I'm seriously wondering if it's even possible, knowing that he's been like that his whole life. So I asked him to be fully honest with himself and me.

 

Try to keep your eye on the ball -- you have a two week break to sit back and do some really clear evaluating for yourself without it being in your face, so to speak. Yes, he gave you some answers, some clarity but it seems to me he kinda just gave you something, well, just to give you something.

 

He seems to only be able to be fully involved into one sphere at the time. -- With this statement you are minimizing in a way. He can and does multitask. He is a workaholic, he's now dealing with his father's illness, his family, and all the other aspects of his own life. His plate is getting too full for him emotionally but he's opting to push you off the plate instead of making room for you on that plate. Sure he may need a little extra room sometimes, but if they are invested, they at least keep the partner involved and informed. A call at night before bed, for instance. If they are thinking about you at all, they will do that once in a while at least. I'm just saying this because if you minimize or make any excuses for him, you are still coloring your evaluation process.

 

The plate analogy goes something like this: You go to a buffet or a smorgasbord. There are a ton of items that you really like. So you fill your plate with the things you really, really like and then you go back for the things that you like or kinda like. The first round of items are the priorities . . .

 

You offered a two week break -- you've told him that you can see that his plate is too full, so he can come back to the buffet to get the item he couldn't fit on his plate now if he's not too full from eating all that. Basically, you're letting him do what he's being doing all along and hoping for a different result.

 

It appeared to you that while he was talking he wanted to see you more and more . . . if he wanted to see you, he would have. I found it odd that he didn't come to you to talk about all this. He did it in a phone call. If he had two hours to talk on the phone, he had two hours to actually deliver his message in person. He couldn't even do that right.

 

I am not beating this guy up. All I'm trying to do is hit the points that demonstrate that he's not the guy for you and vice versa. He's a nice guy, he's doing the best he can, I'm sure. It's just not enough for most of the women he's been with apparently.

 

What I am telling you is that during this two weeks, you should be preparing yourself to tell him you're moving on regardless of whether he wants to continue. I wish you had done this now.

 

I hope there is some miracle or epiphany for him that makes he want to do what he needs to do to be a good partner for you, it's just unlikely as heck. I will keep my fingers crossed at least.

[Zapbasket]

I beg to differ with last sentence.

 

I think he *will* change, when he encounters a woman who inspires him to change.

 

Perhaps that women will be elusive herself, extremely independent, needs quite a bit of emotional space herself, or perhaps not even interested in him..

 

I think this line of thinking is BS. People don't change because other people inspire them to; they change because somewhere inside themselves they are READY to. There's something that has to happen inside a person, something unseen to the outside and even unseen the person themselves, before someone can act as inspiration for change. As long as a person is closed off, steeped in denial, un-self-aware, and harboring some narcissistic wound from interpersonal disappointments earlier in life, he or she WILL NOT CHANGE EVEN IF MOTHER THERESA HERSELF TAKES HIM OR HER BY THE HAND TO AN OASIS OF PEACE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

 

Such line of thinking is also dangerous, because it keeps people like the OP invested in emotionally unavailable, perhaps even abusive people, believing it's their lack or their failure that they can't get the person to change.

 

The only area where I agree with you is that yes, he could "change" if he ends up in a relationship that's a complete role reversal of what he's accustomed to--if he finds himself chasing after a woman who is dismissive of him while dropping just *enough* breadcrumbs of investment to keep him hooked. But it will be just as unhappy a relationship as the ones he's in as the emotionally unavailable role. AND, it won't mean he has CHANGED, since he'd be playing into the same dynamics but from the other side, rather than co-creating a healthy, loving, respectful, intimate relationship.

[Gaeta]

I think this line of thinking is BS. People don't change because other people inspire them to; they change because somewhere inside themselves they are READY to. There's something that has to happen inside a person, something unseen to the outside and even unseen the person themselves, before someone can act as inspiration for change. As long as a person is closed off, steeped in denial, un-self-aware, and harboring some narcissistic wound from interpersonal disappointments earlier in life, he or she WILL NOT CHANGE EVEN IF MOTHER THERESA HERSELF TAKES HIM OR HER BY THE HAND TO AN OASIS OF PEACE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

 

Such line of thinking is also dangerous, because it keeps people like the OP invested in emotionally unavailable, perhaps even abusive people, believing it's their lack or their failure that they can't get the person to change.

 

The only area where I agree with you is that yes, he could "change" if he ends up in a relationship that's a complete role reversal of what he's accustomed to--if he finds himself chasing after a woman who is dismissive of him while dropping just *enough* breadcrumbs of investment to keep him hooked. But it will be just as unhappy a relationship as the ones he's in as the emotionally unavailable role. AND, it won't mean he has CHANGED, since he'd be playing into the same dynamics but from the other side, rather than co-creating a healthy, loving, respectful, intimate relationship.

 

You and Kathi are saying the same darn thing.

 

Men will change when they are ready to change. When are men ready to change? When they meet a woman that inspires them so much they'd do anything to keep her and make her happy.

 

In this case here. I feel this man feels Lorenza is expendable.

[Zapbasket]

You and Kathi are saying the same darn thing.

 

Men will change when they are ready to change. When are men ready to change? When they meet a woman that inspires them so much they'd do anything to keep her and make her happy.

 

In this case here. I feel this man feels Lorenza is expendable.

 

No, read what I wrote more carefully. I am saying the OPPOSITE. It is not the other person who serves as the initial inspiration.

 

Try reading a bit more slowly and carefully.

[katiegrl]

No, read what I wrote more carefully. I am saying the OPPOSITE. It is not the other person who serves as the initial inspiration.

 

Try reading a bit more slowly and carefully.

 

Notwithstanding the fact your last sentence to Gaeta was extremely condescending and not necessarily, my opinion comes from having five brothers, who were not *ready* to change ...until such time they met *the right* woman who *inspired* them to change.

 

Not saying this is true in all cases ....in some cases, that change comes from within on its own, but in many other cases, when a man meets the *right* woman for him, it gives him the inspiration to change, to learn, to grow, to become a better man, which does ultimately come from within, but it was him meeting the right woman that facilitated that change.

 

If you don't agree that's fine. Your opinion does not make it fact, nor does mine.

Edited February 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Fruitee]

He seems to only be able to be fully involved into one sphere at the time. I remember him telling how one of his exes was unhappy when he was involved moving his whole family to the country of our residence from his home home country and fixing their papers. He doesn't seem to be able to multitask in his life and it's been repeating all over again in each relationship.

He says he wants to change and learn, but I'm seriously wondering if it's even possible, knowing that he's been like that his whole life. So I asked him to be fully honest with himself and me.

 

Did I understand this right: You're bf and his family moved from other country to yours and your bf handled all of that stuff?

 

Then his line of not being able to multitask and only concentrating on one thing at the time is bs. Sorry to say this. But when you move, especially your whole family, you have 100 million things to do and consider.

 

Which country is your bf from? Cultural factors can explain his behaviour. I have friends all over the world and some of them just have total opposite views of relationships and commitment etc. than I do.

 

I would also like to know how do you spend your time together? What do you do? Is there certain days when he don't answer his phone? Or does it vary?

[Lorenza]

Did I understand this right: You're bf and his family moved from other country to yours and your bf handled all of that stuff?

 

Then his line of not being able to multitask and only concentrating on one thing at the time is bs. Sorry to say this. But when you move, especially your whole family, you have 100 million things to do and consider.

 

Which country is your bf from? Cultural factors can explain his behaviour. I have friends all over the world and some of them just have total opposite views of relationships and commitment etc. than I do.

 

I would also like to know how do you spend your time together? What do you do? Is there certain days when he don't answer his phone? Or does it vary?

 

It's a very complicated story. My boyfriend was born in the current country of residence but at some point his parents decided to move the whole family to the country of their origin (in Latin America) where they soon discovered they made a big mistake and got into huge financial problems. My bf dropped out of school at the age of 16 to start working and helping out his parents and young siblings. He then saved up enough money to the country he was born at and then worked for a couple of years to save up for the tickets for the whole family, and lawyers to fix their papers (this country has really tricky laws, not worth telling more detailed). From what he told me I understood that he neglected the relationship he had at that time as well. During that time he also got a very aggressive form of cancer, that is when his ex left him, probably not being able to deal with it any longer.

 

Well, it has been a very long, dark and harsh winter and there was not much to do lately. We mostly spend time at my place, watch series, going to work out at the local gym, showing each other our projects, talking, cuddling etc. Sometimes we go out to pubs or nightclubs, cinema or a concert (but those things are expensive here, so it's once in a while really). Often he has to work on his laptop even when he's here. I don't complain to him, but I wasn't always happy he has to work when he comes over, but he did come over quite often so I guess neglecting the schoolwork for 4-5 evenings in a week would be unreasonable, so I try to understand.

[Fruitee]

--

Well, it has been a very long, dark and harsh winter and there was not much to do lately. We mostly spend time at my place, watch series, going to work out at the local gym, showing each other our projects, talking, cuddling etc. Sometimes we go out to pubs or nightclubs, cinema or a concert (but those things are expensive here, so it's once in a while really). Often he has to work on his laptop even when he's here. I don't complain to him, but I wasn't always happy he has to work when he comes over, but he did come over quite often so I guess neglecting the schoolwork for 4-5 evenings in a week would be unreasonable, so I try to understand.

 

Why you don't spend time in his place? Or with his friends?

 

What about the phone calls? Any routine there? Like every Sunday he doesn't answer?

[Lorenza]

Hey guys,

 

So he talked me into coming to my place yesterday... I thought that he's so keen on meeting because he has drawn some conclusions, but I was wrong.

The evening started out well, he brought some flowers for Valentine's, we had dinner and he was super sweet and lovely. It all changed when I wanted to give him his present and before that I tried to tell him that I was really hurt by the fact that he ignored me for 2 days. Apparently he also went out to the Uni pub with a guy from his school on Friday, but didn't feel like giving me any update. Maybe it was also a wrong approach to tell him that before giving his present, I admit that it wasn't so nice of me, but I felt like an idiot giving him a present after what happened (which I bought a week ago).

 

Anyways, he got really angry, stormed off to the bathroom a couple of times and said nothing that would indicate he's gonna change for me. He said that he is not gonna write or call me when he's busy and that I have no right to demand it. Freedom means everything to him. He didn't agree that he should have informed me about his dad's illness so that I'd stop worrying and thinking he is mad at me, because he doesn't have to go out of his way and feel like there is an obligation to write or inform about anything. Nonetheless, he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that. All the conversation he was very angry and let his temper take over, so at some point I got a full blown anxiety attack, like gasping for air, rapid heartbeat and flushing. He changed immediately and started comforting me, telling me things like: "Calm down darling, I'm here, I don't want us to break up". He managed to calm me down and then we had sex (which I regret now...).

 

In the morning (a couple of hours ago) he woke up to go to school, I said something about it being cold in the room and he knew I was awake when he collected his stuff and went downstairs to drink some coffee. Then... he just walked out without saying a goodbye to me. I called him asking why would he just walk out and he casually said there were only a few minutes left until the arrived so he had to run not to be late (he would normally always come and say goodbye).

 

I think this was the last drop... I cannot be with this guy and he won't change a damn thing for me. He needs freedom and a girl to have nice time occasionally, I need a man who would want to build something more than that. There is nowhere to go from here...

Probably will need a couple of days to gather my strength to tell him that and it doesn't feel as easy after that fight and the anxiety attack I got in front of him. I wished we could have parted calmly and peacefully... My stupid brain keeps on shoving me the best moments of our relationship and his best characteristics, his nice family, the wonderful things he told me and I feel such a pity...I still love him a lot. But it's all an illusion, because I know he can't be the guy I want. I wanted so little, just a call in the evenings, but for him, as he said it himself, it's me trying to chop his balls off.

 

Hope I can gather my sanity and strength and reason to break it off...

[GemmaUK]

Apparently he also went out to the Uni pub with a guy from his school on Friday, but didn't feel like giving me any update.

He shouldn't have to tell you his whereabouts and what he is doing all the time.

 

 

He said that he is not gonna write or call me when he's busy and that I have no right to demand it. Freedom means everything to him. He didn't agree that he should have informed me about his dad's illness so that I'd stop worrying and thinking he is mad at me, because he doesn't have to go out of his way and feel like there is an obligation to write or inform about anything.

I agree with him, you seem very clingy and needy and he has every right to a life of his own, there will always be things he has to do or deal with which don't involve you - that's life!

 

Poor guy sounds completely smothered! I've experienced the same with men I have dated and it's a nightmare!

Nonetheless, he also said he hates breakups and would feel hurts for a long time after, so he doesn't want that. All the conversation he was very angry and let his temper take over, so at some point I got a full blown anxiety attack, like gasping for air, rapid heartbeat and flushing. He changed immediately and started comforting me, telling me things like: "Calm down darling, I'm here, I don't want us to break up". He managed to calm me down and then we had sex (which I regret now...).

 

In the morning (a couple of hours ago) he woke up to go to school, I said something about it being cold in the room and he knew I was awake when he collected his stuff and went downstairs to drink some coffee. Then... he just walked out without saying a goodbye to me. I called him asking why would he just walk out and he casually said there were only a few minutes left until the arrived so he had to run not to be late (he would normally always come and say goodbye).

 

I think this was the last drop... I cannot be with this guy and he won't change a damn thing for me. He needs freedom and a girl to have nice time occasionally, I need a man who would want to build something more than that. There is nowhere to go from here...

Probably will need a couple of days to gather my strength to tell him that and it doesn't feel as easy after that fight and the anxiety attack I got in front of him. I wished we could have parted calmly and peacefully... My stupid brain keeps on shoving me the best moments of our relationship and his best characteristics, his nice family, the wonderful things he told me and I feel such a pity...I still love him a lot. But it's all an illusion, because I know he can't be the guy I want. I wanted so little, just a call in the evenings, but for him, as he said it himself, it's me trying to chop his balls off.

 

Hope I can gather my sanity and strength and reason to break it off...

[Lorenza]

He shouldn't have to tell you his whereabouts and what he is doing all the time.

 

 

 

I agree with him, you seem very clingy and needy and he has every right to a life of his own, there will always be things he has to do or deal with which don't involve you - that's life!

 

Poor guy sounds completely smothered! I've experienced the same with men I have dated and it's a nightmare!

 

 

 

I am who I am. I'm Italian and we have a certain understanding about how the relationships are. I don't agree about not having to tell about his whereabouts and don't agree that he should exclude me completely while he has things to deal with in his life. That's the understanding I grew up with and saw around me, just because someone has a different understanding doesn't make me clingy and needy.

Oh, he is not smothered. He never had to do a damn thing to come to my house whenever he wanted to tasty dinner, sex and cuddles ready for him when he pleased. He never even got to hear that I need more contact, until I told him the last week.

 

So sorry, but there's nothing i agree on in your post.

[Maggie4]

When you are ready to end it, you just know, and it's usually not dramatic. When your emotions are high, you seek advice, but you are not ready to end it, or you break up then get back together. When your emotions are gone, you don't need advice, you are calm, and memories just fade away.