Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[katiegrl]

99 % he's gonna dump me today. Said that my calling is not ok, he doesn't forgive me and that he will talk to me later about something very important. Pretty sure it's to end the relationship..........

 

Well ...if that does happen, I am sorry, but not surprised.

 

Nor should you be. Given all your threads, it was almost a given this would happen eventually .... there was so much wrong with this relationship, and as I said, you are simply not compatible.

 

He needs space, you need closeness. The End.

 

Perhaps this is the wake up call you need too, to get yourself some help.

 

I just re-read your previous thread, and you received so much valuable advice which you agreed with and vowed to follow.

 

Yet, the minute you felt anxious, all that advice went out the window and you revert back to old ways, which only served to push him away for good.

 

Please learn from this. Turn this negative into a positive by realizing you have serious issues that need resolving before you will be able to have a healthy, functional relationship with any man.... and seek help.

 

Again, I am sorry you are hurting though.

 

Take care.

[veggirl]

Quite frankly you are way too needy. I'm sure this isn't the first instance of that in your R, probably just the straw that broke the camels back. Unless it's an emergency you do not call 4x in 4 hours plus send manipulative fb messages. Geez the guy wanted a night to himself without you, chill!!! You sound very exhausting to be in a R with! I'm sorry you're hurting but you need to work this out before getting with another man.

[Redhead14]

I really honestly love this guy, so it hurts beyond words... Im such an idiot to ruin it like that, wont forgive myself

 

Lorenza,

 

I have administered some tough love on occasion on these boards. It can be extremely frustrating to watch a young, vibrant woman who so has much ahead of her and has so much love to give, do that with someone who clearly can't give it back to her the way she needs him to.

 

I am sorry that this is happening to you and know how difficult it is.

[Gaeta]

How are you today Lorenza?

 

A lot of people on here care from a distance. Let us know what happen.

 

I don't think he's a bad man, but he's not the man for you. Yes you are needy, you need time, attention, calls, etc that's ok. You are right to need what you need so you have to find a man that is capable and willing to give you those. Plenty of men out there that require 'fusion' in a relationship just like you like to have.

 

We can't stress enough to you how compatibility is important for a relationship to succeed.

[Lorenza]

How are you today Lorenza?

 

A lot of people on here care from a distance. Let us know what happen.

 

I don't think he's a bad man, but he's not the man for you. Yes you are needy, you need time, attention, calls, etc that's ok. You are right to need what you need so you have to find a man that is capable and willing to give you those. Plenty of men out there that require 'fusion' in a relationship just like you like to have.

 

We can't stress enough to you how compatibility is important for a relationship to succeed.

 

Thanks for caring! I'm trying to keep calm, thinking that maybe I drew the wrong conclusion about him wanting to break up with him. Frankly thinking through how it went with my other relationships and how I would spiral down whenever my calls/texts went ignored. It was the same each time.

I'm thinking to tell my (hopefully still) boyfriend that I am willing to work on my overblown worry if he's willing to understand me. I don't want to be needy, I always wanted to become an emotionally independent woman who doesn't need that much attention. I really want to become like that...

[Gaeta]

I'm thinking to tell my (hopefully still) boyfriend that I am willing to work on my overblown worry if he's willing to understand me. I don't want to be needy, I always wanted to become an emotionally independent woman who doesn't need that much attention. I really want to become like that...

 

There is being needy THEN there is needy because our relationship needs aren't met. It's normal to want to hear from your boyfriend once a day. That's not being needy. The part where you call 4 times in a row that's needy. A lot of that neediness is generated by him not being 'present' in a consistent way.

 

What makes a relationship secure? Consistence. I don't hear from my boyfriend all day but I know at 8h at night he'll call. That's consistence.

 

In your case there is no consistence so you are in a continued state of worrying and wondering if you'll hear from him.

 

How long do you think this relationship can last without consistency?

 

When you move in together in June it won't change. I even think it will be worse because then he'll be there physically with you but his mind will be on his computer. That type of loneliness is much worse then the loneliness of a boyfriend that doesn't call.

[elaine567]

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you."

[Redhead14]

Thanks for caring! I'm trying to keep calm, thinking that maybe I drew the wrong conclusion about him wanting to break up with him. Frankly thinking through how it went with my other relationships and how I would spiral down whenever my calls/texts went ignored. It was the same each time.

I'm thinking to tell my (hopefully still) boyfriend that I am willing to work on my overblown worry if he's willing to understand me. I don't want to be needy, I always wanted to become an emotionally independent woman who doesn't need that much attention. I really want to become like that...

 

I always wanted to become an emotionally independent woman who doesn't need that much attention. -- If you want that for yourself, what you need to do FIRST is be resolved. Be independent and establish yourself as a secure, single/independent woman, without a partner for some time and learn how to make yourself happy. You can't do that if you jump into relationships that only cause your anxiety and esteem to suffer each time. You need to be away from situations that cause that for a while at least until you can get a grip on and manage those things.

 

As much as I hate to say this, I am hoping that this ends. I am hoping that if he isn't ending it, that you do. Being able to do that yourself, will at least put you on the path you need to try to follow in order to be the woman you want to be. That will take RESOLVE. Inner strength. Stand up for yourself.

 

If he does end things, please find the inner strength to accept it gracefully and with dignity and get your self on the path to becoming the woman you want to be. Now is the time to start doing that. This is an opportunity, your window to move forward. Take some time to seek a good counselor who will give you the tools you need for doing that.

[katiegrl]

I believe he already told her moving in together is off. So that's not happening.

 

Lorenza_ honestly hon, ending this would really be the best thing.

 

You have been trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole....it can't be done no matter how hard you try.

 

In fact the harder you try, the more resistance you get.

 

Don't you want to be happy? Feel safe and secure?

 

That is never gonna happen with this man, ever.

 

He simply does not have what you need to feel safe, and this will eventually destroy you emotionally.

 

Please don't allow that to happen. Leave this one, seek therapy and then look for a man you don't have to jump through hoops to keep from snapping at you or being unhappy with you.

 

That is no way to live! Nor is it the way a happy, healthy relationship should go.

 

Stay strong, head high!!

[Gaeta]

Anxiety is the 21st century cancer.

 

A lot of people live with anxiety and manage it well.

 

I don't think Lorenza is a heavy case of anxiety. She said on the past month she called him 5 times total. She is capable of a certain control.

 

That being said when you suffer from anxiety you need to be with a partner that is attentive and seek the same type of 'fusion' as you do.

 

When you suffer from anxiety you don't date workaholics and you don't date men that needs lots of space.

 

I am not an anxious woman but in a relationship I need a good connection, time and I need consistency. Knowing that about myself I never ever would start a relationship with a man that works on changing shifts, or men that works weekends, or men that are workaholic.

 

Lorenza, You are a woman with needs and even strong independent women have relationship needs. We are emotional being we cannot deny that is us.

 

A strong independent woman is still an emotional being with needs BUT the difference is a strong independent woman would not stay in a relationship where her needs are not met. She still has needs, she understand her needs, and won't settle for a partner that cannot meet them.

[Maggie4]

If he says he wants to break up with you, agree with him. Do not tell him that you have a problem and that you will change. Do not try to convince him to stay. You have to be able to see things his way, so that you can get on the same page, otherwise you are not a couple. So don't debate him, just accept it.

After he breaks up with you, do not contact him. I think he probably still loves you. Exercise self control: Do not contact him.

 

As you can see, the analysis of your situation on this thread goes all over the place. That's because we only know what little information you tell us. No one here really knows you, we are all guessing from the given info and bringing our own biased views. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Maybe go back to your therapist? The help you get here at LS is very limited.

[Fruitee]

I don't think this guy really cares. If someone had called me 4 times I would pick up the phone straight away and call them and ask them what is wrong. That is normal human behaviour. If someone don't return the calls or goes missing for hours but is always phone in their hands when you see them. Something is not right.

 

My ex is very important person at his work, works all the time, travels all the time and is work-a-holic and when ever I call him he answers. If he cannot answer he sends me text that he will call me back after his meeting, or plane has landed or whatever the reason. Even he is my ex. He answers all of my whatsapp messages too.

 

Then again this guy I was seeing last year. Never answered his phone. Might go hours/days without answering my text or whatsapp or calls. Turns out: He didn't give two cents about me.

 

If guy really likes someone it don't matter how needy or crazy or anxious the woman is. They like her nevertheless. They answer her calls and texts. They support her. Want good for her. They call back etc.

 

Words are easy. It is easy to cry how much someone loves the other one. It is easy to have magnificient sex. To go out on fancy dates etc. And still that guy don't care.

 

It is the actions that matter. And the most important factor is how he acts with his phone. When now adays most people are glued to their phones.

[Fruitee]

Also. I would believe my gut feeling etc. If something feels off or weird, something is off and weird. If you feel anxious and down and hurt. Then he is doing something to make you feel like that.

 

Because when someone cares and they understand how the other person is behaving and acting and feeling they do not want to further that pain and kind of behaviour. They do their best for that other person not to be anxious and feel bad. E.g. answer their calls.

 

People who don't care are a different story. They come up with excuses because they don't care: I was busy. I fall asleep. My battery run out. My sim-card broke down. There was no phone connection there. I was meeting this one guy for work. My car broke down. Etc. Excuses. If they are going to be offline for sometimes they let you know. Not letting you be worried. E.g. I am going to bar now. I will call you later. I am going to plane now. I can't text you from plane. Not like: Oh sorry I was in bar and didn't check my phone. See the difference.

[elaine567]

If someone don't return the calls or goes missing for hours but is always phone in their hands when you see them. Something is not right.

 

 

True.

Of course if someone is dating a guy whose phone is never charged up, he rarely carries it and he is somewhat oblivious to the joys of modern communication, then that is a different matter, but that is NOT the case here.

This guy communicates with all and sundry, but apparently NOT with the OP.

[Fruitee]

True.

Of course if someone is dating a guy whose phone is never charged up, he rarely carries it and he is somewhat oblivious to the joys of modern communication, then that is a different matter, but that is NOT the case here.

This guy communicates with all and sundry, but apparently NOT with the OP.

 

Exactly.

 

I also read some of the other topics. Is clear this guy is using OP.

 

So my suggestion is: dump his loser ass and find someone who makes you feel good. Not crazy.

[katiegrl]

True.

Of course if someone is dating a guy whose phone is never charged up, he rarely carries it and he is somewhat oblivious to the joys of modern communication, then that is a different matter, but that is NOT the case here.

 

 

 

***This guy communicates with all and sundry, but apparently NOT with the OP.

 

^^I am fairly certain that was precisely fruitees's point.

[katiegrl]

Exactly.

 

So my suggestion is: dump his loser ass and find someone who makes you feel good. Not crazy.

 

Good advice fruitee.

 

My late mom said the same thing to me when I was very young.

 

She said:

 

"Honey, you have a good head on your shoulders. You are smart and extremely perceptive, more than most. The second you start doubting yourself, feeling off balance and anxious, you leave that relationship and find something else. Life is too short to spend it with a man who causes you to feel this way. Find a man who makes you feel safe and secure, like your dad."

 

I have never forgotten her words and always followed her advice. Others have accused me of dismissing guys too soon, but on the other hand, I have never been ghosted, never had a guy fade or even break up with me.

 

My boyfriend have always treated me very well and I rarely, if ever, felt anxious.

 

Lorenza my mom would be very happy if you followed her advice too!

 

Wish you the best hun, and keep us posted.

[Redhead14]

This goes so far beyond phone calls and to me it's moot, irrelevant. It is just a symptom of a bigger problem. For her, it's just a tree in the forest. She needs to see the forest first.

[elaine567]

^^I am fairly certain that was precisely fruitees's point.

 

I know I was just agreeing.

[Gaeta]

My late mom said the same thing to me when I was very young.

 

She said:

 

"Honey, you have a good head on your shoulders. You are smart and extremely perceptive, more than most. The second you start doubting yourself, feeling off balance and anxious, you leave that relationship and find something else. Life is too short to spend it with a man who causes you to feel this way. Find a man who makes you feel safe and secure, like your dad."

 

I remember being a little girl and coming inside the house crying because my little friends would not play with me. My mom would tell me 'so? go back out there and find friends that DO want to play with you'!

 

That type of guidance from a mom (or dad) was missing in Lorenza's life. Her dad abandoned them then her mom suffered from depression for a long while. I can only imagine what it does to a little girl. Always having to beg to have attention from the person that loves you the most, your mom. Now she is carrying this into her love life.

[coolheadal]

I have this when the woman I love won't answer the phone. She said I had called her too much. The truth is if they really into you and can't get enough of you then they would be very glad to answer the phone from you. If they're so serious about you then you know their true feelings is not the same about you. This is where you need to draw the line. Stay or go! Go because you can find a real guy who will pickup the phone to be with you and be glad you called me! I know I would be glad if I had someone like you call me because that's what love is all about reaching out to communicate with the person you love so much! This guy sounds like he's thoughtlessness!

[Lorenza]

Hey guys!

 

A little update for those who are interested in this story.

 

Just had a 2 h long conversation with my boyfriend. I started out telling him why I was calling him several times and trying to explain about my anxiety but he told me that he wasn't at all annoyed at my calls and didn't think I called too much or that I'm too need of a girlfriend (he says I'm the least needy he had, lol. Wonder what were the rest).

 

He told me that he and his whole family is distraught because his dad found out he has cancer, the same type my boyfriend had (something that runs in the family apparently). It is terrible and so overwhelming... Besides that, he said he feels completely emotionally exhausted and can barely find time to breath, because he has to work on his projects and portfolio, be there for his family, make sure the relationship works and he claims that he had never figured out how to multitask in these different fields of his life. When he works, he's completely submerged into work and when he does other things, he gets carried away too.

 

He still claims I'm the best girl he ever met and he's not ready to let me go, but he also doesn't want to be unfair with me (and he feels he has been) and doesn't want me to feel a low priority. Even the phone thing - he feels like he's too exhausted to be there for me sometimes, though I'm right to want that thing for myself. Often he just cannot even think of answering or calling back because of how drained he is.

 

So basically he says he doesn't feel like he can give what I need and deserve right now, but he would really like to. I told him to think it through and honestly answer to himself if he's ready to learn and combine different spheres of his life into something manageable and if he's even capable of it. I said I won't take it badly if he decides that he can't and we'll have to part ways, but he seemed to be afraid of that idea. Didn't feel at all like he wants to break up. I suggested to take a break for 2 weeks and see how we both feel afterwards, but he kinda insisted on seeing me tomorrow (I think he's afraid he's losing me). He did not want to let me go off the phone and seemed to miss me and want to see me more and more with each minute we talked. He still says I'm the perfect girl for him and it would really suck if we can't come up with something that would work for both.

 

The whole conversation was calm, honest and probably the best "possible breakup" talk I ever had. I feel much better with the though of maybe needing to let him go, knowing that he does actually care and that decision would be because of us not finding a way to make it work and not because he fell out of love cause of my anxious personality. I still would like to try and see if he can walk the walk - he was very accepting of my criticism towards him, asked me a lot of questions on how I feel about how he treats me.

 

So yeah... If we cannot come to any good solution to all addressed problems, we'll definitely part ways and it doesn't feel so painful anymore. I realized that we will be able to let each other go in a non-dramatic way if it comes to this. I made sure to let him know that I want to break up in case it continues like that.

[Redhead14]

Lorenza, it does sound as though it went as well as can be expected. I think you handled it well. And, I'm proud of you. Take this time to really get clear in your head.

 

I have a couple of questions about the conversation, but I will let you process all this and focus for a bit. You've been struggling with all this for a while now and now you can sit back and focus better. Let us know what's what in a couple of weeks.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, it does sound as though it went as well as can be expected. I think you handled it well. And, I'm proud of you. Take this time to really get clear in your head.

 

I have a couple of questions about the conversation, but I will let you process all this and focus for a bit. You've been struggling with all this for a while now and now you can sit back and focus better. Let us know what's what in a couple of weeks.

 

Thanks, i will. And sorry for saying that your yesterday's post was attacking, I didnt mean it

[Maggie4]

Did he say how he wants to handle everything? He doesn't want to break up, or take a break, and he says he can't give you what you deserve.

 

It seems to me, (just my impression), that there was a power struggle when you called repeatedly, wanting him to pick up, and he stubbornly would not. He now hands you power on a silver platter, and you feel you can now walk away?

Do you love him?

 

Well, maybe take some time to think about the whole thing...