Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[No_Go]

One nice week. Then back to business as usual. Will continue like that forever.

 

Why do you think so? She put effort to set boundaries, get less clingy, I don't see how this is not going to lead to positive change.

[katiegrl]

Why do you think so? She put effort to set boundaries, get less clingy, I don't see how this is not going to lead to positive change.

 

I agree and HE is putting in the effort too...by spending more time together and he did contact her Monday after their long weekend together too.

 

Maybe not as often as he did the prior week, which is OKAY.

 

Lorenza, it's okay to feel anxious, we all feel anxious sometimes....what's important is that you are learning to contain your anxiety so as to NOT burden him with it like you were doing before....which suffocated him and caused him to pull away.

 

This will bring about positive changes in HIM too.... which are already happening from what I can tell (from what you've written).

 

Relationship are always changing, growing, evolving.

 

Good luck Lorenza....hope it all works out for ya!

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

I agree and HE is putting in the effort too...by spending more time together and he did contact her Monday after their long weekend together too.

 

Maybe not as often as he did the prior week, which is OKAY.

 

Lorenza, it's okay to feel anxious, we all feel anxious sometimes....what's important is that you are learning to contain your anxiety so as to NOT burden him with it like you were doing before....which suffocated him and caused him to pull away.

 

This will bring about positive changes in HIM too.... which are already happening from what I can tell (from what you've written).

 

Relationship are always changing, growing, evolving.

 

Good luck Lorenza....hope it all works out for ya!

 

I wrote that I won't post here more, but just wanted to say thanks for an encouraging post Katie!

[Fruitee]

Why do you think so? She put effort to set boundaries, get less clingy, I don't see how this is not going to lead to positive change.

 

Because guys like him rarely change.

 

She is focusing too much on him being dis and dat. Instead of focusing herself and how she is feeling. If her needs are not met it is important to understand they might never be met. Thats a problem to her. Not for the guy. He gets what he wants.

 

Of course I hope happiness and all that. But need to be realistic as well. OP thinks writing to this forum is pointless if other people disagree with her. That is also a mark that she is not ready to accept the truth. If she is sure about the relationship it wouldnt matter what we say. It matters what is.

[Fruitee]

I still dont think Lorenza is clingy or needy. This guy is making her feel like that. In healthy and normal relationship she would be strong and independent. Feeling good.

[Lorenza]

Because guys like him rarely change.

 

She is focusing too much on him being dis and dat. Instead of focusing herself and how she is feeling. If her needs are not met it is important to understand they might never be met. Thats a problem to her. Not for the guy. He gets what he wants.

 

Of course I hope happiness and all that. But need to be realistic as well. OP thinks writing to this forum is pointless if other people disagree with her. That is also a mark that she is not ready to accept the truth. If she is sure about the relationship it wouldnt matter what we say. It matters what is.

 

I dont see how bitter negative posts like yours and Gaeta's are even necessary, but dont worry, they don't affect me much, rather than irriatete me a bit that even if I post about progress, someone feels like bringing me down. But that says more about the poster than me.

[Fruitee]

He is returning to his old ways and you're returning to your old ways.

 

You spent the weekend together you don't need to hear from him 10 times today. Men need a bit of space after a weekend of togetherness. You should be busy with cleaning, laundry, shaving your legs, all of those things you didn't get to do while he was with you.

 

As for not depending on your boyfriend emotionally, well, being in a relationship is about filling each other's love and emotion needs. You cannot NOT depend on him for your relationship needs but you need to find a healthy balance.

 

I disagree. Even after spending 1 month 24/7 together it is normal to text daily or even call. Guys are not so different from women. That woman should "give them space" by purpose. Giving space comes naturallt e.g. while in school or at work or at gym etc. It is not artifical thing you need to do for guys.

 

Also if the guy is into the woman he dont mind keeping in touch.

 

Also I dont think there is need for woman to do "womanly things" like shaving her legs while being apart. She can do those when ever she feels like it..

 

Last part i agree. And op's emotional needs are not being met.

[Fruitee]

I dont see how bitter negative posts like yours and Gaeta's are even necessary, but dont worry, they don't affect me much, rather than irriatete me a bit that even if I post about progress, someone feels like bringing me down. But that says more about the poster than me.

 

No one is bringing you down.

[kendahke]

He always picks up his phone when he's at my place and someone's calling him...

 

The difference could be that he isn't in the frame of mind to be anyone's therapist and they don't call going on about how bad their day was.

[Lorenza]

No one is bringing you down.

 

No?

I post about things getting better and get "Oh, back to same old, told you it wont work" type of responses. I specifically made it clear that it doesn't feel at all like its back to him ignoring me and me being anxious about small things (or at least im dealing a lot better), so what's your deal?

[Lorenza]

I disagree. Even after spending 1 month 24/7 together it is normal to text daily or even call. Guys are not so different from women. That woman should "give them space" by purpose. Giving space comes naturallt e.g. while in school or at work or at gym etc. It is not artifical thing you need to do for guys.

 

Also if the guy is into the woman he dont mind keeping in touch.

 

Also I dont think there is need for woman to do "womanly things" like shaving her legs while being apart. She can do those when ever she feels like it..

 

Last part i agree. And op's emotional needs are not being met.

 

I'm sick of the word "needs". Not every need is meant to be fullfilled. I feel like I've been clingy and insecure if we weren't texting a certain amount and freaking out way more than a normal person would. Yes my boyfriend has days when he wants to be on his own, but there are a lot of awesome times we have together and its not unreasonable to want to do other things as well rather than be there for your anxious gf all the time. That's my own work. If you read my thread you'd understand I'm not NATURALLY good at giving space.

And we DO keep in touch. We spent 3 days together, texted on Monday, talked on phone and texted yesterday. He's not excessive with cute emojis and sweet texts this week, but it comes and goes for him. A guy may have better and worse mood, can't he?

[Fruitee]

No?

I post about things getting better and get "Oh, back to same old, told you it wont work" type of responses. I specifically made it clear that it doesn't feel at all like its back to him ignoring me and me being anxious about small things (or at least im dealing a lot better), so what's your deal?

 

The point is you are feeling anxious. And you should never ever feel like that because of some guy. You should feel loved and awesome!

[despgirl]

The point is you are feeling anxious. And you should never ever feel like that because of some guy. You should feel loved and awesome!

 

That could also be that she is an anxious person, no? And not necessarily the guy's fault?

 

 

I am an anxious person (I have GAD) and no matter who I am with - I easily get anxious when not hearing from them etc. The guy can be the most loving bf and I still would find a reason to feel that way. Now I am almost 32, and I have learned to manage my anxieties and just observe them and let it go - I barely act on it anymore.

 

 

There is a difference between not having your needs met and being an anxious person in general, and I think in Lorenza's case it is the second. Just my two cents.

[Fruitee]

I'm sick of the word "needs". Not every need is meant to be fullfilled. I feel like I've been clingy and insecure if we weren't texting a certain amount and freaking out way more than a normal person would. Yes my boyfriend has days when he wants to be on his own, but there are a lot of awesome times we have together and its not unreasonable to want to do other things as well rather than be there for your anxious gf all the time. That's my own work. If you read my thread you'd understand I'm not NATURALLY good at giving space.

And we DO keep in touch. We spent 3 days together, texted on Monday, talked on phone and texted yesterday. He's not excessive with cute emojis and sweet texts this week, but it comes and goes for him. A guy may have better and worse mood, can't he?

 

What is normal in your opinion? Like normal amount of texting or freaking out? Some people are more social than others. Some people need more attention etc. Than others. If you are that type of person then you need a guy who is more like what you need. There is nothing wrong with that. If the good is good and bad is bad. You need to think is the 3 days of goodness that good that it covers 7 days of badness? If answer is yes. No problem. If answer is no. Then you need different tyoe of guy as what you have currently.

 

Yes. You are correct. Not all needs are meant to be fulfilled. But should you feel anxious? Imho no. Because you are not asking that much..

[Fruitee]

That could also be that she is an anxious person, no? And not necessarily the guy's fault?

 

 

I am an anxious person (I have GAD) and no matter who I am with - I easily get anxious when not hearing from them etc. The guy can be the most loving bf and I still would find a reason to feel that way. Now I am almost 32, and I have learned to manage my anxieties and just observe them and let it go - I barely act on it anymore.

 

 

There is a difference between not having your needs met and being an anxious person in general, and I think in Lorenza's case it is the second. Just my two cents.

 

Then she should seek help for that and learn how to manage it before being in a relationship.

[Lorenza]

The point is you are feeling anxious. And you should never ever feel like that because of some guy. You should feel loved and awesome!

 

I feel loved, don't worry. I was anxious with every single guy I ever was, even short term dating. That says more about me than the guys. The thing is I can't feel awesome with anyone until I do certain self-work. And I'm doing that work right now and it's going way better, so stop telling me about my needs, the biggest need right now is to become a calmer, more relaxed person.

[Lorenza]

Then she should seek help for that and learn how to manage it before being in a relationship.

 

"Seek help" is the ultimate guidline in this forum, along with telling people, who would probably work things out, to dump each other. People dont need to seek help for each flaw they have, sometimes it takes getting your shyt together and helping yourself.

By the way learning how to manage anxiety related to a relationship requires BEING in a relationship.

[Fruitee]

I feel loved, don't worry. I was anxious with every single guy I ever was, even short term dating. That says more about me than the guys. The thing is I can't feel awesome with anyone until I do certain self-work. And I'm doing that work right now and it's going way better, so stop telling me about my needs, the biggest need right now is to become a calmer, more relaxed person.

 

Okay good then. Yes it says more about you. But it can also be that you choose guys who make you feel like that? Did you read baggage reclaim? It has great article on that topic.

 

Yes. You should also be calm and relaxed. Good if you have tools for that too.

[Fruitee]

"Seek help" is the ultimate guidline in this forum, along with telling people, who would probably work things out, to dump each other. People dont need to seek help for each flaw they have, sometimes it takes getting your shyt together and helping yourself.

By the way learning how to manage anxiety related to a relationship requires BEING in a relationship.

 

But in this topic we are not talking about flaw. We are talking about you ending up in hospitals, right? Flaw is like not doing the dishes or watching too much tv or having having short fuse or being nervous when giving out presentation. Flaw is not something that makes you wanna die and think there is no future without a guy.

[Lorenza]

But in this topic we are not talking about flaw. We are talking about you ending up in hospitals, right? Flaw is like not doing the dishes or watching too much tv or having having short fuse or being nervous when giving out presentation. Flaw is not something that makes you wanna die and think there is no future without a guy.

 

Lol, I don't want to die (never did) and neither do I see no future without a certain guy. But I've shytty health generally and being overly worried often ends up with me having some health issue getting worse, especially my heart. It just needs better stress management, nothing I can't do on my own. People have gone through way worse things, like not knowing if their loved ones are even alive during wars, surely I can learn to manage not getting a text in time from my boyfriend.

[Fruitee]

Lol, I don't want to die (never did) and neither do I see no future without a certain guy. But I've shytty health generally and being overly worried often ends up with me having some health issue getting worse, especially my heart. It just needs better stress management, nothing I can't do on my own. People have gone through way worse things, like not knowing if their loved ones are even alive during wars, surely I can learn to manage not getting a text in time from my boyfriend.

 

Yes you can learn to manage.

 

But if you read first page of this thread you will remember what you wrote about if you two break up.

[katiegrl]

Yes you can learn to manage.

 

But if you read first page of this thread you will remember what you wrote about if you two break up.

 

Yes and she has come a long way since the first page of this thread

 

Lorenza ....I would suggest you stay off this thread.

 

You and your bf appear to be working things out, you are learning to manage and contain your anxieties which is fabulous. That takes intelligence and strength, good for you.

 

Will it happen overnight? No course not, so be patient with yourself.....takes time.

 

Your bf is making strides too....in learning to understand you...as you are also learning to understand him. That's what it's all about!

 

Bottom line, this relationship is relatively new, just four months old. As you learn about each other, you will also learn things about yourself. As your boyfriend even admitted to you during your long talk last week!

 

There are *kinks* you discuss and iron them out as you and your bf have been doing.

 

It all sounds very good and positive!

 

So stay off this thread and go have a beautiful relationship! Keep learning, growing, evolving.

 

You're doing great, I for one am actually super proud of you.

 

Stay strong girl!

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl