Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Maybe I'm too cynical, but I smell something rotten in the state of Denmark. Well he has a lot of professional contacts on one of the profile and he only posts things related to his work. On the other one he posts personal things, like jokes and stuff. I've got two profiles as well Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Yes, it's basically just this issue that is bothering me the most, or not even the phone thing specifically, but how he doesn't see much around him whenever he submerges himself into his work. If he was Albert Einstein working on the Grand Unified Theory of the Universe, then please don't keep calling him while he is working. Since he is not, you can decide if he is eccentric and if this is an idiosyncracy of his, or does he not value you. On your part, I think you should reflect on whether the repeated calling is a (mild) neurotic control tendency. When he doesn't pick up, does it drive you crazy, more than it should? And you feel you can't have peace within, until he picks up like a boyfriend should? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Lorenza, sorry to say this but what this boils down to is incompatability. He needs LOTS of space (emotional and physical)... and you need lots of closeness. This is not gonna change, he is who he is, and you are who you are. As a result, he may (and probably does) find you suffocating and needy, and you find him cold and aloof. Every once in awhile, after he gets enough space, y'all come together, only to have him pull back afterwards (as he's doing now), leaving you hurt, confused and angry...once again. Is this how you wish to live? I don't see how this is ever gonna work ....seriously. Different needs for space and closeness are huge issues...and rarely, if ever get resolved. Sorry but I really do think it's best you move on. I know he needs his freedom, but I would be satisfied by how much closeness we have right now if not the damn ignoring calls/texts thing... I just want that little thing fixed and that would be it, is it really dooned? He never called me needy and I never cold him cold, cause frankly he's of hot blood, sexual and emotional, but damnit... Im still not ready to move on its too much Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) I know he needs his freedom, but I would be satisfied by how much closeness we have right now if not the damn ignoring calls/texts thing... I just want that little thing fixed and that would be it, is it really dooned? He never called me needy and I never cold him cold, cause frankly he's of hot blood, sexual and emotional, but damnit... Im still not ready to move on its too much It is not a little thing though, not to him. He needs space! He needs to *not* talk to you or feel connected to you during this time, he needs and wants to be left ALONE. At least when it comes to you. Your calling, or wanting him to call, disrupts this need of his to be left alone ....no this is NOT a *little* thing ...not by a long shot. Edited February 13, 2016 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 If he was Albert Einstein working on the Grand Unified Theory of the Universe, then please don't keep calling him while he is working. Since he is not, you can decide if he is eccentric and if this is an idiosyncracy of his, or does he not value you. On your part, I think you should reflect on whether the repeated calling is a (mild) neurotic control tendency. When he doesn't pick up, does it drive you crazy, more than it should? And you feel you can't have peace within, until he picks up like a boyfriend should? Yeah, it drives me crazy waaay more than it should. I deal very badly with someone ignoring me. When I was younger, I ended up hospitalized after my first bf disappeared for 2,5 days (he was abroad at that time). When that happened I nearly drove myself to insanity. It is nowhere near nowadays, but it is still worse than a normal person should feel about not receiving an answer for a while. I usually keep all that to myself, but ofc it shows to a point. Like today I called 4 times, texted him asking to pick up for a short moment and then ended up describing the event that happened to me today in text and saying that I feel terrible about it. The last message was "sorry for so much text/call, anxiety got the best of me". I know its way too much, but today was just one long nightmare... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) L, you have some serious attachment issues and fear of abandonment issues. The worst I have ever seen, seriously. Hospitalized because your bf went abroad for 2.5 days? That's really really serious. Have you ever sought therapy for this? My fear for you is a breakdown at some point. Please get help. ((hugs)) Edited February 13, 2016 by katiegrl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Lorenza, you know you've got some work to do on yourself. It is for yourself, not for him. Sometimes these things come from certain childhood/infancy experiences. Your bf has probably noticed, and so far he has sort of accepted it, since he is still with you. That's why I said maybe ask him to set a daily alarm and contact you at a specific time every day or every other day. Then you have something predictible which might lesson your anxiety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 L, you have some serious attachment issues and fear of abandonment issues. The worst I have ever seen, seriously. Hospitalized because your bf went abroad for 2.5 days? That's really really serious. Have you ever sought therapy for this? My fear for you is a breakdown at some point. Please get help. ((hugs)) No, my boyfriend was abroad and suddenly disappeared from all the medias. He was in a country of a insanely high criminal rate (he got robbed twice before the disappearance) so I got overly anxious about his safety, my heart started overbeating and I ended up in a hospital. My boyfriend apparently had a blackout in his house, and didn't bother to call me and warn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 L, you have some serious attachment issues and fear of abandonment issues. The worst I have ever seen, seriously. Hospitalized because your bf went abroad for 2.5 days? That's really really serious. Have you ever sought therapy for this? My fear for you is a breakdown at some point. Please get help. ((hugs)) I was in therapy at that time and completed it with my therapist telling me I'm good to go. All this happened 4 years ago and its never ever that bad, but I still have problems with someone not answering/ignoring as it makes me nervous and cant relax until they answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Lorenza, you know you've got some work to do on yourself. It is for yourself, not for him. Sometimes these things come from certain childhood/infancy experiences. Your bf has probably noticed, and so far he has sort of accepted it, since he is still with you. That's why I said maybe ask him to set a daily alarm and contact you at a specific time every day or every other day. Then you have something predictible which might lesson your anxiety. This is all coming from my father abandoning the family and my mother having bad depression for a few years. I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Lorenza, why don't you just calm down. You're saying that you have some issues plus the guy said he was asleep. If you continue calling four times in a row, he'll start not respecting you. So, calm down and tell him how are you feeling, that you're insecure, that him not answering gives you anxiety etc, and tell him to be patient with you. Everything is going to be fine. It's probably you and not him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 This is all coming from my father abandoning the family and my mother having bad depression for a few years. I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea Yes, have a talk with him about your needs. A schedule might make this easier for him too. He doesn't WANT to hurt you. Why don't you treat yourself to something nice and relaxing after that ordeal today? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 This is all coming from my father abandoning the family and my mother having bad depression for a few years. ***I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea I don't see this^^ ending well, but good luck. By the way, did you read my post 54? Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I don't see this^^ ending well, but good luck. By the way, did you read my post 54? This comment is extremely negative. How do you know this is not going to end well? Are you a fortune teller? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Lorenza, why don't you just calm down. You're saying that you have some issues plus the guy said he was asleep. If you continue calling four times in a row, he'll start not respecting you. So, calm down and tell him how are you feeling, that you're insecure, that him not answering gives you anxiety etc, and tell him to be patient with you. Everything is going to be fine. It's probably you and not him. I don't know why, but your post gave me hope! I would be happy if it's me who's the issue here. I'll try to explain to him Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 This comment is extremely negative. How do you know this is not going to end well? Are you a fortune teller? LOL...no but I am sort of psychic about this stuff. Plus, I have read all her previous threads about this guy, have you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I don't see this^^ ending well, but good luck. By the way, did you read my post 54? Was about to answer to that post - maybe I'm naive and stupid but I still have hope that he will agree to disrupt his need to be left completely alone if he understands me better. Worth a try... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 This is all coming from my father abandoning the family and my mother having bad depression for a few years. I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea -- Do not do this!!!! I promise you it will come off as an attempt to control him and/or mother him. You need to stop, right now!!!! You first posted in August of 2015 about a guy who was very full of himself. And, throughout that thread, all you did was talk about how it was your fault that it ended, how much you did for him, how much he was asking you to change for him. Everything in that thread indicates a serious esteem issue and habit of doing all the work and attempting to maintain a relationship all by yourself. And, only a little over one month after that ended, you were "in a relationship" with this guy and going to move in with him. It's time for you to go back to counseling. The previous round you had didn't stick. You just said above that if it weren't for the ignoring phones calls thing, you'd be OK with things. It's not just that one thing: When you first started posting you listed the following "complaints" in addition to the phone calls. 1) He forgets his promises 2) He forgets to pay you back 3) He never buys you anything 4) Always on his laptop Then you started another thread talking about his insecurity. You are seriously deluding yourself and you need to get a grip. It's just time. I'm sorry to be harsh, but sometimes people need a kick in the rear end. All the best to you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I will ask him if he could set the alarm, sounds like a good idea -- Do not do this!!!! I promise you it will come off as an attempt to control him and/or mother him. You need to stop, right now!!!! You first posted in August of 2015 about a guy who was very full of himself. And, throughout that thread, all you did was talk about how it was your fault that it ended, how much you did for him, how much he was asking you to change for him. Everything in that thread indicates a serious esteem issue and habit of doing all the work and attempting to maintain a relationship all by yourself. And, only a little over one month after that ended, you were "in a relationship" with this guy and going to move in with him. It's time for you to go back to counseling. The previous round you had didn't stick. You just said above that if it weren't for the ignoring phones calls thing, you'd be OK with things. It's not just that one thing: When you first started posting you listed the following "complaints" in addition to the phone calls. 1) He forgets his promises 2) He forgets to pay you back 3) He never buys you anything 4) Always on his laptop Then you started another thread talking about his insecurity. You are seriously deluding yourself and you need to get a grip. It's just time. I'm sorry to be harsh, but sometimes people need a kick in the rear end. All the best to you. Ok, time for me to leave this thread. I dont deal well with this type of attacking posts. Thanks for the responses everyone Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) Ok, time for me to leave this thread. I dont deal well with this type of attacking posts. Thanks for the responses everyone RH was not attacking Lorenza, and it's sad you interpreted that way. She just gave you some incredibly valuable advice, which you won't follow, but it may be the most valuable advice on this thread nevertheless. Redhead is one of the most insightful, perceptive, intelligent and honest posters on this board. You would be wise to at least consider what she wrote IMO. Edited February 13, 2016 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 99 % he's gonna dump me today. Said that my calling is not ok, he doesn't forgive me and that he will talk to me later about something very important. Pretty sure it's to end the relationship.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I really honestly love this guy, so it hurts beyond words... Im such an idiot to ruin it like that, wont forgive myself Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I really honestly love this guy, so it hurts beyond words... Im such an idiot to ruin it like that, wont forgive myself Counseling would be the best idea Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 He always picks up his phone when he's at my place and someone's calling him... This ^^^^ Tells you all you need to know. Sorry! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I really honestly love this guy, so it hurts beyond words... Im such an idiot to ruin it like that, wont forgive myself You need to stop putting all the blame on yourself. Sometimes in life we meet people we're just not compatible with. That doesn't mean they didn't care about us, but we can use those relationships to learn and grow and help us make better choices in the future. This guy doesn't sound as though he was a good match for you. He apparently has always been the type to need a lot of space in a relationship. It's okay if you need more closeness. You just don't work together as a couple. After 4 months, it's better to recognize now it's not working well then continue feeling frustrated by each other. This is what dating is about. It can't be one person making all the compromises; if you can't meet in the middle, you part ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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