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How can I stop beating myself up after ruining my chances with a great guy?

giggik

By giggik
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Well, I made a non-sexual joke about buttholes, and I told him a funny gay comedian made the funniest joke about gay sex, and he thought it was funny.:sick: Maybe I came off an unrefined. But then again, I still wonder if the whole, "if its the right guy, he would have stayed" thing applies still in this scenario or if I just ruined my chances by doing that...

 

What you are trying to do is read his mind and it's a waste of time and energy. Everyone is different and some guys may have found it amusing, some guys may have found it distasteful, whatever. And, given the fact that he was bold enough to touch your rear end, I'd say, an off-color joke wouldn't put him off. He did something off-color TO YOU.

 

Spare yourself all this mind-spinning and simply accept that he isn't going to call you again. He's just a guy you went out with once and touched your rear-end. You were offended and put off by that so it doesn't matter why he's not calling you, the question is why would you want him to call you again?

 

Let's say he was put off by the joke, I promise you he isn't sitting around for days on end thinking about it. He decided not to call you again. End of story for him.

 

My point is, I doubt very much that he is thinking about the date anymore and neither should you.

 

My grandmother had something she used to say to me whenever I was feeling self-conscious about something. She said: "People don't think about you as much as you think they do".

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
he's just a guy you went out with once and touched your rear-end.

 

lol!

..................

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Do you think my crude humor might have messed up my chances and made me look bad?

 

Yes! It's all your fault. ;)

 

Actually no. If my 'theory' is right all it did was give him the wrong impression.

  • Like 1
Summer3 Established Member

Summer3

Posted
Posted
Well, I made a non-sexual joke about buttholes, and I told him a funny gay comedian made the funniest joke about gay sex, and he thought it was funny.:sick: Maybe I came off an unrefined. But then again, I still wonder if the whole, "if its the right guy, he would have stayed" thing applies still in this scenario or if I just ruined my chances by doing that...

 

You remind me of me giggik. If I liked a guy and he "blew me off" or was sort of cold and distant I'd spend hours and hours racking my brain wondering what I did wrong and beating myself up for not being more "beautiful, interesting, desirable, amazing, clever etc." I'd pick apart everything I said and he said and what happened and how it happened. Then I'd call my girlfriends. In neurotic detail I'd outline what happened and they were expected to give me a full psychological profile of the events.

 

However, in the end what I really wanted them to say was "OMG that guy is so in love with you that he has to pull away because he loves you so much that he will go crazy if he contacts you because you're so beautiful and passionate that he just doesn't know how to act."

 

Seriously.

 

I didn't want to hear "Let him go he doesn't really like you that much."

 

But..

 

That is the reality. This guy probably doesn't like you THAT much and that is the way it is. Don't you know that having a man out of control in love with you is so much more fun than having some guy who isn't? You'll meet that amazing guy who cannot live without you. But it isn't Mr. Butt Touch. It just isn't.

  • Like 4
thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
Posted

I don't think you should beat yourself up too much, you really shouldn't. You obviously really liked him but you don't know enough about him at his stage and he may not be as great as he's cracked up to me. With guys who've genuinely liked me, I'd have to have effed up big time to really put them off because they liked me enough to want to see me again. And I've experienced exactly what you have- wondering where I went wrong. Eventually I realised that analysing the reasons why the man lost interest didn't do much for me - once I worked out what I could have done better, that was it and I moved on. This will feel weird at first but you'll get used to it.

 

 

Also maybe this sounds old fashioned but if I were you I wouldn't want a guy who felt my bum on a first date. I have given that the benefit of the doubt before but if we dated anymore, what happened was that the guy was definitely not after anything serious. I now know to totally discount men who act like horn bags. A grown man can keep his brain engaged and leave the feeling up stuff until you're both more comfortable.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
You remind me of me giggik. If I liked a guy and he "blew me off" or was sort of cold and distant I'd spend hours and hours racking my brain wondering what I did wrong and beating myself up for not being more "beautiful, interesting, desirable, amazing, clever etc." I'd pick apart everything I said and he said and what happened and how it happened. Then I'd call my girlfriends. In neurotic detail I'd outline what happened and they were expected to give me a full psychological profile of the events.

 

However, in the end what I really wanted them to say was "OMG that guy is so in love with you that he has to pull away because he loves you so much that he will go crazy if he contacts you because you're so beautiful and passionate that he just doesn't know how to act."

 

Seriously.

 

I didn't want to hear "Let him go he doesn't really like you that much."

 

But..

 

That is the reality. This guy probably doesn't like you THAT much and that is the way it is. Don't you know that having a man out of control in love with you is so much more fun than having some guy who isn't? You'll meet that amazing guy who cannot live without you. But it isn't Mr. Butt Touch. It just isn't.

 

Summer, I just want to applaud you for your honesty here ^^. You sound incredibly insightful and introspective which will serve you well as you move forward in your life. :) :)

 

Many are not and get stuck repeating the same mistakes and same cycle over and over never learning anything from these negative experiences.

 

If I may ask though, do you know why you were unable or unwilling to hear the truth? Why you had to convince yourself he was pulling away because of what you perceived to be his strong feelings for you?

 

Which of course was not true, but in your mind, you could not accept the truth -- that he just wasn't all that into you.

 

Was it fear of rejection? Ego? Fear of abandonment?

 

I have read many posts on this board from women asking if the reason why a guy pulls back is because he is *scared* of his feelings ....and I am curious to know where this comes from.

 

I have never been this way and would like to understand it, if possible.

  • Like 1
loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

Don't think a DECENT guy who really LIKES and RESPECTS you will act like that on 1st date.

 

you are beating yourself up, not because you did the wrong thing, but because you are DESPERATE.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Summer, I just want to applaud you for your honesty here ^^. You sound incredibly insightful and introspective which will serve you well as you move forward in your life. :) :)

 

Many are not and get stuck repeating the same mistakes and same cycle over and over never learning anything from these negative experiences.

 

If I may ask though, do you know why you were unable or unwilling to hear the truth? Why you had to convince yourself he was pulling away because of what you perceived to be his strong feelings for you?

 

Which of course was not true, but in your mind, you could not accept the truth -- that he just wasn't all that into you.

 

Was it fear of rejection? Ego? Fear of abandonment?

 

I have read many posts on this board from women asking if the reason why a guy pulls back is because he is *scared* of his feelings ....and I am curious to know where this comes from.

 

I have never been this way and would like to understand it, if possible.

 

Its a deflection of a perceived attack on their ego. So they sometimes create a scenario for themselves to explain the distance or departure and romanticize it. Its easier for the ego accept that the guy was so overwhelmed by his attraction/emotion for her that he had to leave. He was vulnerable. Therefore, she can feel a little sorry for him instead of being angry or hurt, etc. For these women, more often than not, it's a fantasy. There are times, of course, when it is true that a man becomes somewhat overwhelmed and steps back at a point when they may be considering advancing the relationship or they are actually perhaps emotionally unavailable.

 

Absent those scenarios, some women use this as a default to explain why a guy pulls away, leaves or disappears to more or less soothe themselves. In addition, in their minds, it leaves the door open -- maybe he'll be back when he comes to his senses and is able to handle it emotionally.

 

In the end, it's about their own insecurities and esteem. The labeling -- fear of abandonment, fear of rejection can't always be determined without knowing history or some personal details, etc. But, its all surrounding the ego.

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)
You remind me of me giggik. If I liked a guy and he "blew me off" or was sort of cold and distant I'd spend hours and hours racking my brain wondering what I did wrong and beating myself up for not being more "beautiful, interesting, desirable, amazing, clever etc." I'd pick apart everything I said and he said and what happened and how it happened. Then I'd call my girlfriends. In neurotic detail I'd outline what happened and they were expected to give me a full psychological profile of the events.

 

However, in the end what I really wanted them to say was "OMG that guy is so in love with you that he has to pull away because he loves you so much that he will go crazy if he contacts you because you're so beautiful and passionate that he just doesn't know how to act."

 

Seriously.

 

I didn't want to hear "Let him go he doesn't really like you that much."

 

But..

 

That is the reality. This guy probably doesn't like you THAT much and that is the way it is. Don't you know that having a man out of control in love with you is so much more fun than having some guy who isn't? You'll meet that amazing guy who cannot live without you. But it isn't Mr. Butt Touch. It just isn't.

 

Beautifully said.

 

My daughter is also like this. She is 28. When she meets a man she really likes and he's not reciprocating she just tortures herself over and over.

 

Then she asks me what I think and I tell her exactly what I said here:

 

He's not that into you, let him go!

You did nothing wrong!

No, you should not have done anything differently.

 

And she'll say to me: Mom that's not what I want to hear.

 

Then I realize she doesn't want my honest opinion, she wants me to support her in her fantasy. So I do it. I start telling her to be patient, he's just busy, He'll call, she's fantastic how can he not be into her.

 

And you know what? it works. She stops obsessing and moves on, on her own.

 

I think it's a trick of the mind. When you tell them they're right, and he's just withdrawing for some space, he's secretly in love with them, I think they finally see the ridicule of it.

 

I know each time I try this reverse psychology on my daughter it works. 1-2 days later she gets back to me with 'what a jerk he was'.

Edited by Gaeta
  • Like 1
Summer3 Established Member

Summer3

Posted
Posted
Summer, I just want to applaud you for your honesty here ^^. You sound incredibly insightful and introspective which will serve you well as you move forward in your life. :) :)

 

Many are not and get stuck repeating the same mistakes and same cycle over and over never learning anything from these negative experiences.

 

If I may ask though, do you know why you were unable or unwilling to hear the truth? Why you had to convince yourself he was pulling away because of what you perceived to be his strong feelings for you?

 

Which of course was not true, but in your mind, you could not accept the truth -- that he just wasn't all that into you.

 

Was it fear of rejection? Ego? Fear of abandonment?

 

I have read many posts on this board from women asking if the reason why a guy pulls back is because he is *scared* of his feelings ....and I am curious to know where this comes from.

 

I have never been this way and would like to understand it, if possible.

 

Thank you Katie for your sweet comments. I don't want to take the focus off the OP and put it on me. I'm sure "fear of rejection, ego and fear of abandonment" all played a role in my behavior.

Summer3 Established Member

Summer3

Posted
Posted
Beautifully said.

 

My daughter is also like this. She is 28. When she meets a man she really likes and he's not reciprocating she just tortures herself over and over.

 

 

I understand what your daughter goes through and what the OP is going through and it IS torture. You continue to ask yourself "what's wrong with me and how can I hurry up and fix it?"

 

I've heard the word "desperate" used on this thread several times and that is a mean word to use. Everyone wants love and some people are more sensitive to rejection than others. I know the OP will get over this guy. It's the process of doing so that's painful.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Beautifully said.

 

My daughter is also like this. She is 28. When she meets a man she really likes and he's not reciprocating she just tortures herself over and over.

 

Then she asks me what I think and I tell her exactly what I said here:

 

He's not that into you, let him go!

You did nothing wrong!

No, you should not have done anything differently.

 

And she'll say to me: Mom that's not what I want to hear.

 

Then I realize she doesn't want my honest opinion, she wants me to support her in her fantasy. So I do it. I start telling her to be patient, he's just busy, He'll call, she's fantastic how can he not be into her.

 

And you know what? it works. She stops obsessing and moves on, on her own.

 

I think it's a trick of the mind. When you tell them they're right, and he's just withdrawing for some space, he's secretly in love with them, I think they finally see the ridicule of it.

 

I know each time I try this reverse psychology on my daughter it works. 1-2 days later she gets back to me with 'what a jerk he was'.

 

That's called stroking the ego ;) Reverse psychology is only effective for those whose core ego is in tact and they are emotionally healthy and mature to start with and they have a great Mom :) They know the truth and will accept it fairly quickly. I doubt we'd see your daughter on these boards with a thread that runs 200+ with the same questions running in an endless loop.

  • Like 2
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
Let's hope you scared him off. I mean, seriously, why would you want a guy who cops a feel on a first date? Did you do too much? Hell, I would instantly have said, "Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Please be more assertive in setting boundaries!

 

Oh, and he's not "touchy-feely." A touchy-feel person is one who hugs. This guy is just a pig, and I say that as a guy myself.

 

Ditto.

 

And those acting like she "made a big deal" out of some guy she just met feeling her up (when they weren't in any kind of physically intimate context) are boggling my mind. And that's why many women are confused or scared about sexual harassment and assault, when you know someone is touching you in a way you don't want or didn't agree on, but even other women are making it seem like you should just go along with it and "not make a big deal out of it." I am not saying this man assaulted her btw, I'm simply saying that, OP wasn't comfortable with his sexual touches on the 1st date and was right to speak up about it, and it's really a problem to tell someone that they are overreacting and should have remained silent about their discomfort.

 

Trust me...touchy feely isn't touching your ass on a 1st date. It's hugs, maybe trying to hold your hand, touching you while talking, but not sexual touches. You were perfectly right to feel strange about it and bring it up. If he is being honest he will not have a problem, if he's only back tracking because you caught on, good riddance! You're not "losing" anything. You don't know him. You went out once. He may have turned out to be an awful guy....so you may have dodged a bullet. Scaring someone off by calling them on their behavior is good...you don't want that kind of person to begin with. And you shouldn't invest much into the IDEA of people before you know them. Dude might be an okay guy, but you obviously didn't like some stuff he was doing, so he wasn't Mr.Perfect, so don't beat yourself up. Other men will come around trust me. No guy is your last chance.

Edited by MissBee
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