How can I stop beating myself up after ruining my chances with a great guy?

[Summer3]

In OP's defense, it is kind of a pitfall that inexperienced daters fall into to think that random guy 1 or 297 is somehow a once in a lifetime shot. So I think she's just 'doing inexperience' and she'll put all this together after a few more dates here and there.

 

You'll be fine OP. Probably most important thing to keep in mind is to abide by your standards bc that's who you are.

 

Exactly. If I went on one date with a guy and we clicked I'd start planning the wedding. It's what girls do it's in our DNA. The OP isn't desperate or different she's excited about what the guy might mean for her future. Everyone wants to pair bond but girls have a stronger nesting drive and OP's biology is telling her to procreate.

[giggik]

Thanks for everyone's insight.

 

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

I'm not saying "oh he was meant for me" but I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it and see what you guys have to say about that question...

[Gaeta]

Thanks for everyone's insight.

 

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

I'm not saying "oh he was meant for me" but I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it and see what you guys have to say about that question...

 

No one is meant to be with you. There are hundreds, thousands of men out there that are compatible boyfriends for you. You date till you find one. When you meet someone compatible it will just unfold smoothly with no efforts. There will not be 'is he into me'. You will never have to guess. The right guy will highly think of you so he will never ever attempt stupid moves on you for fear of scaring you off.

 

You think this guy was hot and you had a connection. Wait till the day you meet someone compatible then you will understand this little bozzo was no one for you.

[truth_seeker]

It's 2016. Women ask men out all the time.

 

I think it's more women 35+ who take this approach... not 18-29. JMO.

[Gaeta]

I think it's more women 35+ who take this approach... not 18-29. JMO.

 

My daughter is 28 and she has always been very assertive with men and never hesitated to make the first invite.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

I'm not saying "oh he was meant for me" but I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it and see what you guys have to say about that question...

I think life rolls along and "meant to be" is an attitude. Anything can feel fated or divine if it makes you really happy, even fleetingly.

 

I think it's refreshing to see a young woman speak her true feelings and set a standard for the degree of respect and consideration she expects.

 

You were very fair and reasonable here. If he's interested in you for anything more than a hookup, he'll be back, and next time he'll be more considerate. If his heart is really into it, he'll easily find the will to correct the course. If not, you've lost nothing.

 

Now stop feeling bad about being good to yourself, and enjoy. Happiness is magnetic.

[jen1447]

Thanks for everyone's insight.

 

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

I'm not saying "oh he was meant for me" but I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it and see what you guys have to say about that question...

 

What others said ....the right sort will tend to not allow that to happen.

[giggik]

I think life rolls along and "meant to be" is an attitude. Anything can feel fated or divine if it makes you really happy, even fleetingly.

 

I think it's refreshing to see a young woman speak her true feelings and set a standard for the degree of respect and consideration she expects.

 

You were very fair and reasonable here. If he's interested in you for anything more than a hookup, he'll be back, and next time he'll be more considerate. If his heart is really into it, he'll easily find the will to correct the course. If not, you've lost nothing.

 

Now stop feeling bad about being good to yourself, and enjoy. Happiness is magnetic.

Thanks for your response. I hope so! I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions. That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

[Terry8889]

Why so much drama and desperation for this guy? Are you really that lonely or is this guy so attractivethat you are stressing about a guy who didn't contact you after the first date for whatever reason. If it was me I would have been uncomfortable too especially on a first date. When I was younger I started seeing this guy who did something similar but I was young and un experienced to know how and when to set limits well a few months later I realized he was only looking for "fun" and nothing serious. That's how I learned to avoid those types of men.

 

If this guy crossed you boundaries you had every right to call him out on it. If he didn't like it that's his problem, you dodged a bullet.

[Lois_Griffin]

Aww I feel so stupid now. I blew it even after trying so hard not to mess up my chances. Maybe psychologically I gave him a bad emotion and now he doesnt want to reach out. I keep beating myself up for this. Why'd I even have to say the second part you know?

I don't want to chase him, I want to know if he likes me enough to come around.

You didn't beat anyone up. You let him know he'd crossed a boundary - and he DID.

 

It was a douche move on his part and completely disrespectful towards you. Is he that much of a damned cretin that he can't even show a little respect for the few hours you spent together?

 

Here you are thinking you lost this wonderful chance to meet Mr. Right and the simple truth is, he's a disrespectful douche bag who thinks its OK to touch a woman's butt a couple hours after he's met her.

 

I wouldn't chase him at ALL.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks for everyone's insight.

 

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

I'm not saying "oh he was meant for me" but I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it and see what you guys have to say about that question...

Jesus. You spent a couple hours with a guy who doesn't even have the class or intelligence to know how to act respectful toward a woman he's just met and you're acting like you're star-crossed lovers who just missed each other in the night or something.

 

Haven't you read any of the posts from some of the guys in here who have said they'd never act like this with a woman they just met?

 

What you DON'T realize is that YOU didn't mess anything up. HE did.

 

Have some pride in yourself that you didn't allow some fool to take liberties with you instead of entertaining the childish notion that he was "Mr. Right" and you're going to end up an old maid for the rest of your life. That's so over the top.

[Summer3]

Thanks for your response. I hope so! I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions. That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

 

The truth is if he liked you enough he'd apologize a million times and be worried that he scared you off. You CANNOT make a guy who sort of likes you be head over heels for you. Don't think a cute text, a witty response, a sexy picture or anything else will make a guy find you irresistible. Either they REALLY want you or they don't. That's why I never chased guys or rarely did. And when I did all I wound up doing is humiliating myself. I put lots of effort into nothing good. Then I decided it's best to sit back give some indication of interest but let the guy do most of the work. 10 out of 10 times it worked.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your response. I hope so! I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions. That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

 

 

He grabbed your ass in a public place during a FIRST meeting!! He lacked complete respect for you, WHY we're not talking about the negative he inflicted on YOU!!

[d0nnivain]

Do you guys think it's possible to **** things up with a guy who's meant to be with you? Or is it possible to mess things up and not end up with a person you're meant for?

 

 

No. If it was meant to be & your were some how cosmically connected (an idea that is myth not reality) but if it existed, you would not have been concerned about his touch.

[WaitingForBardot]

...I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions.

Maybe yes, maybe no. It was your first meeting and there are a whole host of reasons you two might not have hit it off, for which neither of you are to blame.

 

That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

It's perfectly fine to think you could have handled it better, and maybe even feel a bit of regret, but to descend into a void of regret over this is too much. Of course you feel what you feel, but at least try to put it in perspective: It was a first date and it simply didn't work out.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think what the guy did was SO BAD. giggik said he touched her butt, not grabbed it. That would lead to first-date sex with a LOT of women these days! And I think Western culture gives men the message that you'd better get a little physical fast and get her heart fluttering, lest you get friend-zoned.

 

The guy must be attractive to giggik, since she's still kind of wringing her hands over him. Desirable men are usually bold and pretty direct in going after what they want.

 

Thanks for your response. I hope so! I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions. That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

You felt negative emotions because of his forwardness on the date. That tells you something important about how you like to be treated by a man you barely know. No one is "to blame". He didn't do some awful thing. He did something that plenty of women would be receptive to. You just didn't like it, and you made that clear.

 

If he's willing to get to know you on the very reasonable terms you laid down (no touching my butt yet), he'll make the effort.

 

You remind me of myself when I was your age SO DRAMATIC! With a way overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility. In time, you'll learn to stop being so hard on yourself and have more fun. Life's too hard when you're always overthinking and worrying.

 

The age group of women most desirable to the widest pool of men of all ages is 18-25, and that's you, girlfriend! So if this guy doesn't care enough to get back in touch, move on, enjoy your life, and soon a better prospect will turn up.

[jen1447]

FTR, berating someone over their sensibilities is not an effective way to get them to change, or at least not a healthy one. OP needs to come to understand on her own terms that there are other fish in the sea, which I personally feel perfectly content she will once she gets a little more dating experience under her belt.

 

In the meantime we can be more helpful by just listening to her vent. Even letting her take some of the blame she wants to put on herself can help, bc at least it let's her get that impulse out of her system. It definitely won't be scared out by yelling or virtual smacking.

[losangelena]

Thanks for your response. I hope so! I just feel like maybe he didn't call back was because of my text, I inflicted a negative emotion in him, a feeling of scrutiny or just general negativity, and that negativity stuck with him, making him not want to come back to someone that gave him those emotions. That's why I blame myself . I could have handled it better and end up in a void of regret

 

Others have already weighed in on this, but I'll add another couple of cents.

 

You did not "inflict a negative emotion" on him. You asserted yourself and your boundaries. It would be one thing if you'd railed on him, said something like, "oh my god, I can't believe you touched my butt, you're a hideously awful person!" All you said was that it made you uncomfortable, and that if he wants casual, you're not the one for him.

 

Please understand: there is NOTHING WRONG with respectfully asserting yourself, your wishes, your desires, and your boundaries. If people react negatively, that is THEIR PROBLEM.

 

I think his silence is clear. You told him "If you're looking for a quick hookup, i'd like to know so i dont waste my time." The fact that he hasn't swung back around tells me that maybe he was just looking for a quick hookup, and that you do not need to waste your time on him. If he wasn't looking for a hookup, I doubt your text would have phased him so much. If it did, that's not the kind of man you want. Even if it did bother him, you want someone who's going to be mature enough to speak up and say, "hey, I'm not that kind of guy, either," not someone who's going to sulk and slink away.

 

So where does that leave you? By speaking up and asserting yourself, you've deduced that this man either, A) wanted a hookup and is gone, or B) didn't want a hookup, but is too easily put off by your self-assertion. This is a win-win situation for you; this is exactly WHY asserting your boundaries is a good and useful thing to do, because you can weed out those who don't meet your standards. He has done you a tremendous FAVOR by showing who he is after date one.

 

Don't walk on eggshells just to get a guy to stick around.

[Summer3]

The age group of women most desirable to the widest pool of men of all ages is 18-25, and that's you, girlfriend! So if this guy doesn't care enough to get back in touch, move on, enjoy your life, and soon a better prospect will turn up.

 

This is very important point. You are in a great age range. Don't forget your worth.

[giggik]

Others have already weighed in on this, but I'll add another couple of cents.

 

You did not "inflict a negative emotion" on him. You asserted yourself and your boundaries. It would be one thing if you'd railed on him, said something like, "oh my god, I can't believe you touched my butt, you're a hideously awful person!" All you said was that it made you uncomfortable, and that if he wants casual, you're not the one for him.

 

Please understand: there is NOTHING WRONG with respectfully asserting yourself, your wishes, your desires, and your boundaries. If people react negatively, that is THEIR PROBLEM.

 

I think his silence is clear. You told him "If you're looking for a quick hookup, i'd like to know so i dont waste my time." The fact that he hasn't swung back around tells me that maybe he was just looking for a quick hookup, and that you do not need to waste your time on him. If he wasn't looking for a hookup, I doubt your text would have phased him so much. If it did, that's not the kind of man you want. Even if it did bother him, you want someone who's going to be mature enough to speak up and say, "hey, I'm not that kind of guy, either," not someone who's going to sulk and slink away.

 

So where does that leave you? By speaking up and asserting yourself, you've deduced that this man either, A) wanted a hookup and is gone, or B) didn't want a hookup, but is too easily put off by your self-assertion. This is a win-win situation for you; this is exactly WHY asserting your boundaries is a good and useful thing to do, because you can weed out those who don't meet your standards. He has done you a tremendous FAVOR by showing who he is after date one.

 

Don't walk on eggshells just to get a guy to stick around.

 

I think I may have also caused him to not call back by making crude jokes on the first date. I think the same way he got too comfortably with me physically, I got too comfortable with him jokes-wise.

I generally have a very crude sense of humor, (which I told him when we first met online) and I kinda made the mistake of coming off as maybe a little unclassy or unrefined by cracking crude jokes. He laughed at all of them and didn't make a face or anything, but it's possible in his mind he was like, "wow this chick is way too much on the first date. I need a little more class than that...." So I admit, that might have also played a part in him not calling back.

However, towards the end of the date after we kissed, he mentioned wanting to take me to this one Italian place in the future. I don't know if that counts for anything.

[jen1447]

I think I may have also caused him to not call back by making crude jokes on the first date. I think the same way he got too comfortably with me physically, I got too comfortable with him jokes-wise.

I generally have a very crude sense of humor, (which I told him when we first met online) and I kinda made the mistake of coming off as maybe a little unclassy or unrefined by cracking crude jokes. He laughed at all of them and didn't make a face or anything, but it's possible in his mind he was like, "wow this chick is way too much on the first date. I need a little more class than that...." So I admit, that might have also played a part in him not calling back.

However, towards the end of the date after we kissed, he mentioned wanting to take me to this one Italian place in the future. I don't know if that counts for anything.

 

Sounds more and more like mixed signals. He may have thought your crudeness translated into an ok to be a little handsy.

[Gaeta]

What do you mean by crude jokes? Sex jokes?

[giggik]

Sounds more and more like mixed signals. He may have thought your crudeness translated into an ok to be a little handsy.

 

Do you think my crude humor might have messed up my chances and made me look bad?

[giggik]

What do you mean by crude jokes? Sex jokes?

 

Well, I made a non-sexual joke about buttholes, and I told him a funny gay comedian made the funniest joke about gay sex, and he thought it was funny. Maybe I came off an unrefined. But then again, I still wonder if the whole, "if its the right guy, he would have stayed" thing applies still in this scenario or if I just ruined my chances by doing that...

Edited February 13, 2016 by giggik

[Gaeta]

Did you make these jokes before he touched your bum the first time?