fenix Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Dude ...I had sex with my ex the first night we met!!! So what? Rude is rude. I guess if she felt that way she should have immediately left him. I wasn't there I don't know how everything went down, maybe you are right, but she encouraged him by staying.
katiegrl Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I guess if she felt that way she should have immediately left him. I wasn't there I don't know how everything went down, maybe you are right, but she encouraged him by staying. Agree!
losangelena Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Meanwhile, as everyone else is busy debating the particulars of how this man touched your butt (does it mater??), I want to address what I find the be the more disturbing part of this thread: Aww I feel so stupid now. I blew it even after trying so hard not to mess up my chances. Maybe psychologically I gave him a bad emotion and now he doesnt want to reach out. I keep beating myself up for this. Why'd I even have to say the second part you know? But in hindsight, i feel so stupid. I wish I never did it. I admit, I was kind of heated and tipsy. I also felt as though if I never said anything, that he would think I am the type of girl who is insecure enough to let a man do whatever he wants. Ugh, I should have not said the 2nd part. I feel so bad. Do u think if he liked me he would reach out again? Which is the insane level of self-recrimination OP feels over all of this. Good lord girl, WHY? OP, you stated your boundary. Ok, maybe you did it in a bit of a ham-fisted fashion, or you overstated your case. Fine. But you were doing what you thought you needed to in the moment. I understand your anxiety that what you said "scared" the guy off, but if it did, so what? What exactly do you think you're missing out on? Listen, a good potential partner won't let something like that get in the way. If he was so turned off by your texts, then fine, let him go. You didn't blow anything, you don't want a guy like that. If his confidence/ego is just a little bruised, then a friendly prod from you will probably make things right. Also, DON'T WORRY. Since starting this thread, you also started a thread about being 22 and never having had a relationship. Don't let that notion make you put up with things you're uncomfortable with because you're desperate to get into a relationship. You have plenty of time to find the right person(s), and yes, along the way, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to say things you wish you hadn't, you're going regret certain things you've done. But again, it's fine. It's not the end of the world. If someone walks away over something as small-time as this, let them. It is no huge loss. There are better suited partners. 5
WaitingForBardot Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Maybe the guy being described is like me. I'm naturally a pretty touchy-feely person with my partners. The problem was that between relationships I would sometimes touch women I had just met too familiarly, or in typically off-limits places like the butt, stomach, etc., without even thinking about it. I wasn't being a player, or consciously trying to be seductive, I just wasn't thinking... And not making light of anyone's opinion here, just relating a story from across the gender divide... I was out with my friend where we met a couple of women at a bar and joined them at one of those small, high tables. I had my arms/hands folded on the table and while we were talking the girl next to me leaned forward crossing her arms on the table and in the process plopped one of her breasts directly into my hand! I was so offended! Wait a minute, no I wasn't... ..lol.. (Some may remember another post where I mentioned this friend had decided to stop going out with me because, in his opinion, the women I attracted had no class. This was one of the pivotal events leading to his decision. ..lol.. 1
losangelena Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Maybe the guy being described is like me. I'm naturally a pretty touchy-feely person with my partners. The problem was that between relationships I would sometimes touch women I had just met too familiarly, or in typically off-limits places like the butt, stomach, etc., without even thinking about it. I wasn't being a player, or consciously trying to be seductive, I just wasn't thinking... And not making light of anyone's opinion here, just relating a story from across the gender divide... I was out with my friend where we met a couple of women at a bar and joined them at one of those small, high tables. I had my arms/hands folded on the table and while we were talking the girl next to me leaned forward crossing her arms on the table and in the process plopped one of her breasts directly into my hand! I was so offended! Wait a minute, no I wasn't... ..lol.. (Some may remember another post where I mentioned this friend had decided to stop going out with me because, in his opinion, the women I attracted had no class. This was one of the pivotal events leading to his decision. ..lol.. Lol, that is a funny story. It reminds me of something that happened to my brother recently. He was at a bar, and he and this woman got to talking, and he said that at pretty much every turn, she'd find a way to brush her breasts up against his arm. Obviously, touching is flirty and can be suggestive of other things, but to quote Freud, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. It doesn't have to mean anything else. 1
jen1447 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Lol, that is a funny story. It reminds me of something that happened to my brother recently. He was at a bar, and he and this woman got to talking, and he said that at pretty much every turn, she'd find a way to brush her breasts up against his arm. Obviously, touching is flirty and can be suggestive of other things, but to quote Freud, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. It doesn't have to mean anything else. Oh god ....there's so much boob-mashing and thigh-rubbing and toe-nudging that goes on out there. Not saying OP or anyone else has to pay for the sins of her sisters but as a gender I think we do have to own the collective flirt-ethos to a certain extent. That means a degree of live-and-let-live ....no one's gonna die from a butt tap and if you don't like it just do like OP did (eventually) and call it out. No one needs to be imprisoned or castigated as a sex offender for doing it. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Oh god ....there's so much boob-mashing and thigh-rubbing and toe-nudging that goes on out there. Not saying OP or anyone else has to pay for the sins of her sisters but as a gender I think we do have to own the collective flirt-ethos to a certain extent. That means a degree of live-and-let-live ....no one's gonna die from a butt tap and if you don't like it just do like OP did (eventually) and call it out. No one needs to be imprisoned or castigated as a sex offender for doing it. Lets see what happens when you're at a bar and some guy you're talking to grabs your ass.
jen1447 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Lets see what happens when you're at a bar and some guy you're talking to grabs your ass. As if that hasn't already happened.
Author giggik Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 Meanwhile, as everyone else is busy debating the particulars of how this man touched your butt (does it mater??), I want to address what I find the be the more disturbing part of this thread: Which is the insane level of self-recrimination OP feels over all of this. Good lord girl, WHY? OP, you stated your boundary. Ok, maybe you did it in a bit of a ham-fisted fashion, or you overstated your case. Fine. But you were doing what you thought you needed to in the moment. I understand your anxiety that what you said "scared" the guy off, but if it did, so what? What exactly do you think you're missing out on? Listen, a good potential partner won't let something like that get in the way. If he was so turned off by your texts, then fine, let him go. You didn't blow anything, you don't want a guy like that. If his confidence/ego is just a little bruised, then a friendly prod from you will probably make things right. Also, DON'T WORRY. Since starting this thread, you also started a thread about being 22 and never having had a relationship. Don't let that notion make you put up with things you're uncomfortable with because you're desperate to get into a relationship. You have plenty of time to find the right person(s), and yes, along the way, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to say things you wish you hadn't, you're going regret certain things you've done. But again, it's fine. It's not the end of the world. If someone walks away over something as small-time as this, let them. It is no huge loss. There are better suited partners. Aw thanks for comforting me, I appreciate it Angelena. And yeah, I keep beating myself up for it because I feel like I keep blowing my chances of having a relationship with a nice guy. I feel like I don't come across a lot of guys that I actually like enough to want to date, and finally a guy I liked came along and I ruined it before it even started. I don't even remember the last date I went on before this guy. The regret is so overwhelming that all I do is get mad at myself and think that I'm missing out on an awesome guy. I don't know when I'm finally gonna stop having to learn lessons and just finally succeed
Author giggik Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) <Merged thread> Hi everyone! If you guys have read my other posts, you'll notice that I recently went on a first date with a great guy. I think the date went well and he probably thought so too. At the end of the night, I got overemotional about something he did and I let my emotions get the best of me because I was tipsy at the time and lacked better judgement. (In summary, he touched my butt twice on the first date, I feared it was because he just wanted to hook up. After the date I texted him asking that based on his butt touches, if he just was looking for a hookup or the real thing. Just being overemotional too soon). He hasn't called and I know it's probably because of my overreaction. Now, I'm 22 and have only been dating for 4 years, (in high school I never dated, being the awkward nerdy girl) so I am so sick and tired of making dating mistakes. Yeah, we make mistakes and learn from them, but I'm tired of being in that stage of making mistakes that lead to me blowing my chances. I just want to graduate from that and actually be that girl that has a boyfriend. I've never had one my entire life. V-day is Sunday and I thought I'd be spending it with him.... I can say I'm confident in myself and have a lot to offer, but even as confident as I am, I've beat myself up about this last date more than any other date before. I felt things could have gone so well with this guy, I felt ready for a man in my life. When am I going to stop messing up and learning all these new lessons and just finally be able to enjoy? The thing that makes me even more upset is the fact that I know I won't find another guy to be this excited over for a long, long time. Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mikau Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Why don't you get in touch with him? You mentioned in your other thread you don't want to chase, but what do you really have to lose? If he's not interested he's not interested, but for all you know your reaction didn't put him off as much as it made him think you weren't interested. Maybe all he needs is a little nudge from you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain here. 1
smudge21 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 The thing that makes me even more upset is the fact that I know I won't find another guy to be this excited over for a long, long time. This line shows that you are seriously putting all your eggs in one basket and therefore going to stress out about this guy more each and every single day. Because you think he's not only the one, but the only one, you will overthink everything, react to everything, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be too obvious and even become needy. But we've all done that. You need to take a step back as for starters I don't think you did anything wrong and fail to see what you are stressing about. If he's interested he'll be interested. If you want to call/text him, do it. If you want to see him again, tell him. Take a breather and just do whatever you want to do. Also, at 22, you don't need a boyfriend, you want a boyfriend. Know the difference. All the best. 1
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 The guy touched your butt twice on a first date, that doesn't sound very classy to me. But guys can "get away with" all sorts, even first date sex, if it feels right and there is enough attraction. Here your first reaction to his over-familiarity was "he is disrespecting me", not "That's a bit cheeky but I like it", so I guess all this angst and hindsight "attraction" and "He was a great guy", comes from the fact he is no longer communicating, you don't have a second date and your ego is a bit hurt, rather than basic attraction FOR him. 1
Lorenza Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 The more you stress, the worse it goes. You need to stop caring about not being "that girl who has a boyfriend". Even if you put on the best act, people can actually sense the desperation and you being overly emotional too soon is just another consequence of that overwhelming desire to finally "find someone". But I think it's a wrong state of mind and it's hard to stop making those dating mistakes when you're so tensed about it. Even the phrase "blowing my chances" - stop thinking like that, stop thinking it's you who needs to deserve a chance by playing it right on the date. Just relax and let the guys blow or earn their chances with YOU and not the opposite. I didn't read your topic about that guy who touched your butt or something, but (butt ) - everything happens for a reason. Doesn't matter how good and exciting he was, if it was supposed to go well it would go well and you would do all the right moves towards each other naturally. P.s. for god's sake, you're 22 don't sound so "done" Early 20s rarely generate a good long-lasting relationship anyway, so just relax and enjoy dating and feel like you are the one to be deserved. 1
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I think you need to work on your self-esteem. It is not a mark of a loser or hopeless that you dont have a bf. Also there is no need to be desperate. And guys are not really that great and amazing. They are just guys and people like rest of us. If someone would touch my butt during 1st date or try to be any kind of physical with me I would not think of him bf material. Hug is ok. 1st date is about getting to know each other. Not jumping into bed etc. I am not saying there is something wrong about sex on 1st date or kissing etc. But in my opinion guys like that are too hungry to be interested on your personality which is the thing that will keep the guy. Not your looks for example. Desperation shows. And we attract what we radiate. So feel good. Be happy. Get a fwb if you are too horny. But when you are comfortable with yourself you will find the guy who is comfortable with you too and your emotional breakdowns wont push him away. But I think when you are content with yourself then you wont have pointless break downs. Also think of this: Does this matter 5 years from now. 1
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Get a fwb if you are too horny. I do not really think that anyone who is "desperate for a bf", and who is very inexperienced dating wise and who needs to work on their self esteem, should get into the FWB world. A recipe for disaster - within two minutes she will be "in love" with the guy, and he will dump her as getting involved was never part of the FWB plan, and she will end up heart broken. 1
Summer3 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) You did nothing wrong. A guy who is touching your butt on the first date is being disrespectful. If you felt uncomfortable about this man touching you and you reacted then you are coming to terms with how you want to be treated. Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post 1
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 If he was really such a great guy you would not have reacted the way you did to him touching your butt. You reacted that way because your gut was telling you something was wrong. So stop beating yourself up. If his actions really weren't as horrendous as your reaction made them seem, all you can do not is take the bull by the horns & call him. It's 2016. Women ask men out all the time. Try it. He may say no. But he may be thrilled that he didn't blow it with you. If you get a 2nd date go easy on the alcohol. It may have played a part in his forward behavior & your reaction. See how things are sober. If he's still more grabby then you like, you have your answer: he's not the guy for you. Even if things don't work out for you & this guy, you need to practice more self love rather than loathing and you need to go easier on the booze, especially on a 1st date. 2
hippychick3 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Sweetie, a guy who touches your butt twice on a first date is not a "great guy." It's okay to set boundaries with someone after a first date when they attempt to cross boundaries. A great guy would have apologized sincerely and offered to make it up to you to show you how great he really is. You will meet many, many more guys who will make you excited again. Don't settle for guys who grope on the first date. 8
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I do not really think that anyone who is "desperate for a bf", and who is very inexperienced dating wise and who needs to work on their self esteem, should get into the FWB world. A recipe for disaster - within two minutes she will be "in love" with the guy, and he will dump her as getting involved was never part of the FWB plan, and she will end up heart broken. Possibly that will happen. But also sometimes women mistake being horny into needing a bf. It might just be physical need not emotional need. Having a casual relatuonship doesnt cancel out working on herself for the right guy. Of course if the mindset is not right then its better to forget that and embrace being lonely.
Northwestern1011 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I went on a first date with a guy on Saturday. He was nice and funny, was a pretty cool guy. At one point, he kinda touched my butt, not grabbed, but he did touch it (knowlingly) for a second. Then after we kissed, he tapped it. Not slapped it but tapped it with his hand. At the time i didnt say anytjing because I didnt know what to say in that moment. After dropping me off, he texted me that night saying he had an awesome time with me and during the date he even mentioned wanting to one day take me to this other restaurant he thinks I might like. Anyways, I texted back saying that I also had a great time with him. I then sent a text saying that I noticed he touched my butt a few times, and that if he is just looking for a hookup, I'm not interested in that. He said that he was sorry and that he sometimes just gets touchy feely. I then said this, and Pleasssee let me know if it sounds mean. I don't know if I blew it with him: Ok it kinda was too soon for me, that's why; i never really had a guy do that, so I kinda felt weird. If you're looking for a quick hookup, i'd like to know so i dont waste my time. If so, theres other chicks for that, I'm not one of em, you know? He replied with I appreciate u being upfront about it and I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm not looking for just a hook up either. I guess I just got a little comfortable too soon. I then said thanks for understanding. He hasnt reached out since and Im worried that maybe I scared him off. What do you think, was what I did too much? You d pretty much posted this exact same thread before (how do i know? I've been wanting to throw my 2 cents in on it. Lol). I think you need to stop punishing yourself. View it from the perspective of everyone makes mistakes, but that if he were truly the right guy this wouldn't have scared him off. 1
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 <Merged thread> He hasn't called and I know it's probably because of my overreaction. Now, I'm 22 and have only been dating for 4 years, (in high school I never dated, being the awkward nerdy girl) so I am so sick and tired of making dating mistakes. Yeah, we make mistakes and learn from them, but I'm tired of being in that stage of making mistakes that lead to me blowing my chances. I just want to graduate from that and actually be that girl that has a boyfriend. I've never had one my entire life. V-day is Sunday and I thought I'd be spending it with him.... You did not over-react. You did not make a dating mistake. You need to get that out of your head. This man disrespected you, and objectified you. Period ! I am proud of you for telling him off. It shows some self-awareness and self-respect. He is ONE man among thousands and thousands. He's a nobody! and you won't remember him on your wedding night. You're only 22, relax !! it's time to enjoy life, travel, make friends, party, and MAYBE get a boyfriend IF THE RIGHT MAN comes along. If some dude grabbed your little sister's butt what would you tell her? I am sure you would not tell her she over-reacted! if this type of behavior from men isn't acceptable for your sister or for your mom then it's not acceptable for you either. 6
mattelipstick Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 You've met this person ONE TIME for a few hours -- and assumed you'd spend valentine's day together and that you'll never be this excited about another guy? o_O The way you're feeling seems to have less to do with this particular guy/situation, and more to do with your overall desperation to hurry and be in a relationship. 1
introverted1 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 You've met this person ONE TIME for a few hours -- and assumed you'd spend valentine's day together and that you'll never be this excited about another guy? o_O The way you're feeling seems to have less to do with this particular guy/situation, and more to do with your overall desperation to hurry and be in a relationship. This! So much this! OP, you went out with the guy ONE TIME. You have no basis for knowing if he's great (butt touching aside) and saying you'll never be this excited about another guy strongly suggests that you are creating a fantasy out of a guy you know barely anything about. Think about what you want from a relationship. It may even be helpful to write it down. What are the qualities you have to have? What are deal-breakers? Keep these in mind as you meet new men and stay grounded. Good luck.
jen1447 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 In OP's defense, it is kind of a pitfall that inexperienced daters fall into to think that random guy 1 or 297 is somehow a once in a lifetime shot. So I think she's just 'doing inexperience' and she'll put all this together after a few more dates here and there. You'll be fine OP. Probably most important thing to keep in mind is to abide by your standards bc that's who you are. 3
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