Sick

[Natalove]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 29. We've dated for six months and have had our ups and downs. I was dealing with my own trust issues which caused some tension but have since pulled it together and worked on my issues. Im in love with this man and he has expressed the same. This is the second time we've broken up. The first time was due to my trust issues, it wasn't a "real" breakup. I knew he was just upset with what was going on in his personal life and didn't have it in him to deal with me and my issues. We sat down and resolved those issues and patched things up. This time around, it was over something that I see as petty and ridiculous. We went to the gym Monday night and after he asked if I wanted him to sleepover, now I was tired and sore from the gym and told him I just wanted to goto bed. He went home and texted me saying he showered and was ready to leave if I wanted him to come over. I told him I was already in bed and I lied and said I had shut my lights off (I lied to prevent hurting his feelings). He got very insecure and thought it was sketchy that I didn't want him over and I told him I just was tired and wanted sleep. Which I have done this in the past if I don't feel good and it's never been an issue. He apologized for being so sensitive and said goodnight and that he loved me. Now Tuesday morning I wake up, I had fallen asleep with my light on which I actually do a lot because I'm always exhausted. I checked my emails as I usually do and see that someone tried to reset my Facebook password, strange. I text him good morning no response. So I go on Facebook and see he had been online around 7am (it's 10am at this point) I text again and ask what he's up to and get an immediate response. He says just laying in bed. So I asked why he was being weird because it's not like him to not text me good morning. He said he just woke up so I said I had seen he was online and told him I got an email about my Facebook password. He then started to attack me saying he had driven by my house and saw that my light was on after I told him I had shut it off and not only did he drive by once but twice at crazy hours of the night. I felt bad for lying but I felt violated and I freaked out on him and pretty much dug myself in a hole by lying again about the light because I felt cornered and I'm really not a good liar. Long story short we broke up because he thinks I did something and that I'm sketchy and guilty of something. Honestly I fell asleep and didn't turn my light off. Yes I lied about turning it off because I didn't want him to come over I was tired and I didn't want to make him feel unwanted like he already was feeling. It was stupid to lie and I shouldn't have. I ended up messaging his sister explaining everything and asking for advice and then I get a text from him. He told me I'm fake and a snake and that it made him sick to read what I wrote to his sister because I painted this picture that I was apologetic and understanding and wasn't. But reality is that I did apologize to him for both lying and freaking out on him. I explained why I freaked out because I felt violated. I also told him I understood where he was coming from because a few months ago he had told a small lie to me and I freaked out due to my trust issues and for me it was like if you can lie about something small what else are you lying about. So I totally understood where he was coming from. He told me he never wants to see me again at this point and wants nothing to do with me. All in one big text message. So I responded calmly and told him good luck w everything. He's blocked me on social networks and even his mother who doesn't know how to use Facebook and took three months to accept my friend request has deleted me. Thursday I had gotten news about a good friend passing away I left work early and came home to my belongings I've had at his house in a bag on my porch. Made the day that much worse. I just don't know what to do. The fact that someone who claims to be in love with you, someone you've shared countless memories and time with, someone you talk to every single day for six+ months could just erase you from their life over a tiny lie is just crazy to me. I don't know if I should just move on or give it time. Before this all happened he had gone to visit his father and told me that his step mom had been having an affair. Idk if this may have instated some sort of paranoia in his mind? Last time we broke up he was having family issues too. I just don't know how to go about this. I went into no contact and tried contacting him today because I had a weak moment and had just gotten back from my friends funeral and told him she had passed and got no response. So I feel like maybe he has my number blocked too?? i don't know what to do. I love this man with all of me. We've talked about getting married, what we're going to name our future children. This was a serious relationship. I feel almost silly posting this but I just am so confused why something this small could be so serious to him. When he told a small lie to me months ago yeah I was mad and wanted to break things off but I gave him the opportunity to sit down and have a face to face conversation with me and we worked it out. Why wouldn't he do the same? Can anyone give me some advice? I'm desperate.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

We went to the gym Monday night and after he asked if I wanted him to sleepover, now I was tired and sore from the gym and told him I just wanted to goto bed. He went home and texted me saying he showered and was ready to leave if I wanted him to come over.

 

You already told him you just wanted to go to bed and didn't respect your wishes.

 

He got very insecure and thought it was sketchy that I didn't want him over and I told him I just was tired and wanted sleep.

 

Trying to make you feel guilty about it was very manipulative.

 

I checked my emails as I usually do and see that someone tried to reset my Facebook password, strange.

 

This just took it to a new level. You have every right to feel violated by this.

 

he had driven by my house and saw that my light was on after I told him I had shut it off and not only did he drive by once but twice at crazy hours of the night.

 

This is the most alarming fact at all. His behavior is completely out of control. Whether he thought it was justified or not, it is not ok to stalk your partner because they want to spend the night alone.

 

Yes, the affair might have triggered something in him, but that is his problem, not yours. He crossed a line and obviously has serious jealousy and control issues.

 

As hard as it is to hear, you are lucky that it ended now before it escalated into something very nasty. You don't want to commit yourself to someone who behaves like this.

[13Hearts]

Natalove, this guy seems like he is over reacting but it sounds more to me like he is reacting to something in his past. Something that happened to him long before you met him, which he hasn't worked through or gotten over. He's going to continue to act this way until the pain he feels as a result of his own behavior forces him to have to change. This is not something that he will just see the light about (no pun intended) and fix about himself. He has got MAJOR trust issues which he will need a therapist's help and expertise over a long period to overcome.

 

This is certainly a tremendous amount of drama from him, and which even extends into his family (why on earth did his sister SHOW him your text? Why didn't she just talk to him and try to help?). Do you really want to have to go through this kind of thing every time you're tired or just want to go to sleep? What will happen if you want to just spend time with friends?

 

You are 22 years old. This time in your life is supposed to be about having fun, not babysitting a 29 year old man with emotional trauma issues. Not.Your.Job. I know it hurts but you can get through this. Love at 22 can really be difficult. Try not to get involved in such serious relationships. Focus on YOU. Your future, your education, your development, your growth, and your FUN! These are the days for making the BEST memories of your life. The days you will wish you had lived happy and carefree, when you are 50, 60, 70 and more, looking back on your life! Don't let some guy ruin that for you.

 

Let him go. Let him leave you while he feels strong. Something between the two of you just doesn't work and he senses that because of his paranoia. Help him to get over you and past this by not contacting him. 30 years from now you won't even remember his name.

[Natalove]

Thank you for the responses makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one thinking this was a crazy reaction. The weird part is ever since I met him he has NEVER showed that he had any sort of trust issues or acted like this. He's never even been like jealous. He's always told me that he trusts me and when I was going through my trust issues he'd always say you can't bring your past into new relationships. I really don't know where else these insecurities would come from. I still can't get over the fact he tried to log into my Facebook or drove by my house at crazy hours of the night. I've definitely logged into his iCloud before not proud of it but like I said I did have some bad trust issues, so I can't really judge him on that.

[Natalove]

You already told him you just wanted to go to bed and didn't respect your wishes.

 

 

 

Trying to make you feel guilty about it was very manipulative.

 

 

 

This just took it to a new level. You have every right to feel violated by this.

 

 

 

This is the most alarming fact at all. His behavior is completely out of control. Whether he thought it was justified or not, it is not ok to stalk your partner because they want to spend the night alone.

 

Yes, the affair might have triggered something in him, but that is his problem, not yours. He crossed a line and obviously has serious jealousy and control issues.

 

As hard as it is to hear, you are lucky that it ended now before it escalated into something very nasty. You don't want to commit yourself to someone who behaves like this.

 

I should have mentioned that he lives three minutes up the street from me and he had told me that he had already been on the way when I texted him not to come cause I was in bed. He told me he was coming to surprise me and then turned around and noticed my light wasn't off and that it didn't sit well or feel right which is why he drove by again at 4am. But you're right still stalky.

[Natalove]

I'm at my breaking point. I haven't talked to him for over a week. He's blocked me on all social media and he's blocked my number. He broke up with me over s stupid lie. I posted a whole post about it. I feel so dumb for even writing again but I want to die. I'm so sick I can't eat I can't sleep. I'm sick of crying. I know it sounds so pathetic but no matter how hard I try I can't get over this. I don't understand how someone can erase you from their life a day after talking marriage and children. How can someone look you In the eyes and say they're in love with you and want to spend the rest of their life with you and just vanish like you never existed over something so miniscule and stupid? I sent him an email Idk if he's read it Idk if I'm blocked there too but I had to get out my feelings and apologize for lying. I never meant to hurt him. It was the stupidest lie I ever told. I am so hurt I just need some sort of hope that things get better. I've always thought I knew love and I was so wrong. This one taught me so much about love and I'm so hurt by this. I wish I could just be happy again. Someone please help me please

[Marco Valerio]

Hi Natalove, I've read your other post and the answers you got from it.

All those people were right on their replies. What he did to you, not respecting your wishes and stalking you...not acceptable. I wouldn't have it and neither should you.

 

If you want to be at home alone, for whatever reasons, just to rest or to have a party on your own..HE has no right convincing you other way.

And stalking to see what you're up to....wow...that's so wrong and scary.

 

Just try your best to move on from this BU. He's not a catch at ALL.

[smudge21]

I read your other thread and it's clear that your feelings for this individual are totally clouding your judgement. You are unable to see the truth, yet you are able to fully type it for all of us to see. You did nothing wrong - you simply made a very tiny mistake. You need to accept this. He acted like a dick, end of. When people throw things away on tiny issues, it's always down to something bigger; something that was always going to rear it's head at some point. You could've done anything or even nothing and he may have still acted like this. Basically, you were not in control or responsible for his actions. He's an adult. He made this decision. His loss.

 

 

As for how you get past these feelings... well, how long is a piece of string. We've all been there, we've all suffered, we've all taken months or even years to get over someone. It happens when it happens, but it always happens. You always heal and move on. Yeah it will hurt, but it will make you stronger too. You'll come out of this a better person and wonder why you felt this way over one person. Just work through it any way you can and never think about giving up everything just because of one person. You're still so young and have so much to see and do. It will get better.

[DarkHorizon]

This guy has serious insecurity and controlling behavior issues. You did nothing wrong. If he acted like this in just six months, trust me, he would do way worse later on. What a manipulative guy.

[d0nnivain]

I'm at my breaking point. I haven't talked to him for over a week.

 

 

I feel so dumb for even writing again but I want to die. I'm so sick I can't eat I can't sleep. I'm sick of crying. I know it sounds so pathetic but no matter how hard I try I can't get over this.

 

 

I've always thought I knew love and I was so wrong. This one taught me so much about love and I'm so hurt by this. I wish I could just be happy again. Someone please help me please

 

 

It's been a week. The pain is still acute but it will dissipate. You are simply grieving now. It's a natural cleansing process.

 

 

This weekend doesn't help. Love & happy couples are smacking you in the face. My recommendation is hide. Stay in. Wallow. eat too much ice cream if you can tolerate the cold. Indulge in your favorite comfort foods but so try to self soothe: a warm bubble bath, listening to music you like, taking a walk. If you can't manage that, hiding under the covers for this weekend alone, is acceptable.

 

 

Come Monday you have to get back to real life. One foot in front of the other.

 

 

You will not die from a broken heart. If you really feel unsafe, call a suicide hotline or go to your nearest ER.

 

 

In time you will be happy again but the key is time. First you have to go through this awful process of grieving but you will be stronger for it in the end.

[K2z]

Tiny victories. Get up, breathe. Eat a decent meal. Sleep. It is perhaps the hardest slog of your life. But tiny victories string together like pearls. And talk to someone sympathetic to you.

[Emaize3]

Natalove, I just want you to know that I'm right there with you regarding everything that you're feeling. I'm lost and confused. I'm getting all the advice that you're getting from the wonderful people on this site. A really good friend who is there for you every step of the way is helpful. Even I had a hard time finding that but I reconnected with an old friend who is there for me. I will talk to you if you want to vent, cry, etc. Hugs

[bookowl1011]

Heartbreaks are painful and complicated. It may feel like it is the end of the world but you will survive I promise. Just as Gloria Gaynor's song "I will survive" says first it will be scary but it will make you stronger at the end. Remember these thing take time but the pain of a broken heart does go away.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Natalove]

After a little over a week I decided to write my ex an email (I'm blocked on everything else) I didn't write to beg for him back I just wrote because I felt I needed to for my own sanity. I told him I have accepted that our relationship is over but I'd still like to sit down and talk to have it be mutual and end things the right way. He wrote back a day later:

"Im sorry I took so long to respond, had to collect my thoughts. That's really terrible news about A Im really really sorry you lost your friend I know she meant a lot to you. It really sucks she was dealt that hand, life isn't fair. It breaks my heart that you had to lose a friend like that...As far as things with us I don't hate you at all in fact I feel the opposite what I hate is how things ended up it just sucks and I still can't wrap my head around it. But im not in a place yet where I really wanna sit down and go over things for closure etc. im still on edge and I don't wanna get over emotional and stuff eventually we prob should but not at this moment at least not for me, but I couldn't just blow off this email because I do care, im sorry

 

Love D"

 

I didn't want to respond but ended up responding two days later telling him I think it would be better to sit down sooner rather than later so we can move on with our lives. I told him I respect and understand how he feels and hope he understands and respects where I'm coming from. It's been two days and still nothing. His response kind of has me confused. He's telling me he needs time but why drag it out why not just get it over with so we can move on and get over this?? I sense he has stuff he's dealing with family. He's never handled stressful situations well. I still love him and miss him but I'm trying to just end this chapter to save myself anymore hurt. I've been doing a lot better since my last post been working on myself and what not. But I just can't seem to get him off of my mind. Should I take his response in a positive way? Or is he just playing games?

[Zahara]

Why did it end? Why did he say he doesn't hate you?

[kidm]

His last response was him telling you he is not willing to sit down for a guaranteed emotional hoopla. It's over and you need to find a way to move on without him and stop hounding him for closure. To him, the end has already happened. He cannot give you the closure you are looking for..it must come from you, from within. You don't get to decide after someone ends things that you want to meet to break up mutually. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. I will let him be. It sounds like he wants to move on without having to meet again to rehash things. I realize it's hard but you need to find the inner strength and willpower to respect his wishes.

 

Edit: Ok I just read your previous post about the relationship and it sounds like he is very manipulative. I would not contact him ever again. I don't think that is the last you've heard from him though. Guys like him (manipulative with stalker'ish tendencies) tend to reappear. This was a relatively short relationship (6 months) filled with too much drama.

Edited February 16, 2016 by kidm

[Zahara]

I read your last thread.

 

I think you need to let this go and stop forcing the issue of talking one last time. You even said you accept that the relationship is over. Dumpees normally want to talk about it because they can't let go. It's a break-up so treat it as such. That would automatically mean moving on. There is no need to talk about what happens after a break-up. He's telling you he needs time only because YOU want to talk and is likely using that as an excuse as he may not want to outright reject you.

 

And to add, it would be best for you to move on from this guy. He doesn't sound healthy for you.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Zahara

[cornbread103]

yea, to sit down once more and explain to each other why it's over is so pointless. It may be what you want now, becuase you think he will decide to come back or you just have to see him once more.

But it will never happen like that. Go NC, he will probably contact you a few months down the line, but you will get nowhere like this

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, your last thread was difficult to read.

 

This guy is not worth your time, whatsoever.

 

He doesn't want to talk. Not tomorrow, not next week, not in two weeks...Please don't hold your breath for that. As another poster pointed out, closure won't come from him. It will come from you, without his contribution.

 

Stop trying to get him to talk to you. It won't end well. You're going to be much better off in the long-run accepting the fact that he's a turd and that you have more self-worth than to give turds permission to turd up your life.

[Brando]

One last talk sounds like a silly idea. What on earth is the point of that??? Closure...you make that yourself. You guys will meet up, get emotional, say some things that sound right at the time, but really aren't backed with truth....blah blah blah...you leave with more questions than answers, rehash the convo a million times...waste of time and energy that could be spent on otherwise much more productive endeavors.

 

NC and find someone better for you.

[kztar]

If you feel that this is RIGHT go for it. I just did this with my EX and it was painful but it killed that last bit of hope that I had. Sometimes you need to go through the process yourself to better pick yourself up. This is not a good idea to see him again, but it might definitely give YOU the closure YOU need and are looking for. everyone is different and I get it, most people here are going to say you're wasting your time but YOU need to see that yourself like I did. Then you will finally realize it's time to move on.

 

Whatever you decide. Good luck.

[Emaize3]

I agree with this last post. I would also need closure, not from within but from my ex. Do what you need to do for you. Sometimes you need answers and they can only come from the other party. That's where I'm at too.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I don't have a whole lot of advice but I just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation. My girlfriend and I were doing great and then we had a fight and she broke up with me over something small (not as small as yours, but considering what I feel like she's done to me over the course of our relationship, it's small), told me she never wanted to see me or hear from me again, and immediately blocked me on everything. Like your situation, it feels like a really drastic and an impulsive move and to happen only hours after being madly in love. It's indescribably painful. My therapist thinks my ex-girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder and this move is part of her black and white thinking, and she is "splitting" me - I've gone from white to black in one fell swoop and there is nothing in between. I'm not saying your boyfriend has BPD or anything, but his behavior does seem like he's splitting.

 

Anyway, as I said at the beginning, I don't have a whole lot of advice right now but I just wanted to commiserate. The feeling of being cut off so suddenly and unexpectedly when they gave you all positive signs so shortly prior is soul crushing and I'm sorry. *hug*

[mightycpa]

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because he's 29 and you're 22 and he knows, he's just waiting for you to pull the trigger on getting rid of him, and it makes him nervous and jumpy.

 

The fact is that if he hangs in there, you're likely to do it to him before he does it to you, even though you don't feel that way right now. Maybe he knows this, and he doesn't quite know how to play it.

 

I know you'll object to my prediction, but it happens so often, you can probably find it in a science book somewhere.

[d0nnivain]

Natalove

 

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