Is she single, am i wasting my time, can't stop thinking about her

[zyphfly]

I've been very attracted to this girl for the better part of a year, but for whatever reason it hasn't really gone anywhere. Along the way, I've wrestled with every thought imaginable (does she like me, doesn't she, it would never work, I'm in love, I can't stand her, etc) everyone just tells me to get over her and let it go, because it's painfully obvious I'm into her, and she's a waste of my time. I've asked her out many times, all of which have been politely turned down, but for the record they were more casual things like lunch offerings, never once used the word date.

 

So recently, I've heard through the grapevine she has a boyfriend. The strange thing is we've had many very lengthy conversations about virtually every topic imaginable, and never once has she mentioned him to me.

 

Now, here's where my head starts really getting messed up…after almost a year of advances, we've recently made plans to go out together (again, not calling it a date, but well…if the shoe fits), late night texting has started to occur, nothing that even implies romance, but if she has no feelings for me why is she texting me in the wee hours of the morning?

 

Long story short, I can't stop thinking about her now. I feel like it's taken all the will power in the world to get to this point where something might finally be happening, and I don't want to blow it by spilling my guts to her, but then again…I've heard she has a boyfriend, if that's true, maybe it's on the rocks or something, but I certainly don't want to get involved in that mess. I don't know what to do now, thinking about her 24/7 and it's driving me absolutely crazy, guess it just feels good to get it out since it feels like I can't really talk to anyone about this, because they're all tired of hearing about it, and seem to have written her off for me months ago, but I obviously wasn't willing to do that. Thoughts? Opinions?

[PegNosePete]

I've asked her out many times, all of which have been politely turned down

This should tell you something. Women that like you, and want to get to know you better, don't turn you down. Seems obvious? Yeah, it is.

 

if she has no feelings for me why is she texting me in the wee hours of the morning?

Because she is bored.

Because she can't sleep.

Because she enjoys the attention.

Because she had a fight with her BF and wants to feel wanted.

Because she enjoys leading you on.

Who knows? Take your pick!

 

You have a bad case of what's commonly termed "oneitis". The standard advice for this condition is GFTOW. I'll leave you to google what that stands for

[d0nnivain]

She has zero interest in dating you but she's perfectly happy to use your crush to boost her own ego.

 

 

You need to give up on her. This isn't going anywhere.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

This thread makes me cringe. I've rewritten the parts to show the sentiment you are conveying.

 

 

"I don't ever use date, but if I pay and act like it, just maybe it will be"

"I've never made my intentions clear and she texts me, is she into me?"

"I have been trying for a year and she doesn't even meet up with me as a friend"

 

Most likely she has known your into her, and she might respect you or like you platonically but probably kept you at a distance to give you space and time to get over her. She might have thought you finally get the picture she's not into you.

 

She probably doesn't mention her boyfriend because regardless of him, she still would not be into you.

[zyphfly]

 

Most likely she has known your into her, and she might respect you or like you platonically but probably kept you at a distance to give you space and time to get over her. She might have thought you finally get the picture she's not into you.

 

She probably doesn't mention her boyfriend because regardless of him, she still would not be into you.

 

Not saying you're wrong about anything here, but if she really wanted me to get over her and had no interest whatsoever, wouldn't the fastest way to help me get that picture to make herself seem completely unavailable?

 

Very recently I've had someone that's been clearly enamored with me, and has constantly been writing me on Facebook, and I stopped replying to any of her messages. My friend thinks that's really cold, but my thought was that doing anything else would be leading her on.

 

I guess it's just because I'm not the kind of person who would take advantage of someone who's interested in me for the purposes boosting my ego, so I have a hard time getting in the head space of someone who does.

[zyphfly]

She has zero interest in dating you but she's perfectly happy to use your crush to boost her own ego.

 

 

You need to give up on her. This isn't going anywhere.

 

I want to desperately, but every time I make attempts at doing so, a few weeks goes by and then I hear from her, or have to see her (unavoidable), and I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

I am really tired of the effect it's having on me, I imagine this is similar to how a drug addict or alcoholic feels when they're trying to break a habit and all their friends are still doing it. Naturally, this is only exacerbated by seeing Valentine's day crap everywhere.

[frigginlost]

I want to desperately, but every time I make attempts at doing so, a few weeks goes by and then I hear from her, or have to see her (unavoidable), and I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

I am really tired of the effect it's having on me, I imagine this is similar to how a drug addict or alcoholic feels when they're trying to break a habit and all their friends are still doing it. Naturally, this is only exacerbated by seeing Valentine's day crap everywhere.

 

In short, and not to be heartless; you're being played.

 

Ever see a cat play with a mouse? The Cat is only interested when the mouse seems uninterested. Mouse plays dead, and the Cat will continually nudge it to get it to react. Once it reacts, the Cat plays with it and then stops. Mouse plays dead, and the Cat nudges it. Mouse reacts, etc...

 

Then the Cat finally gets bored of it all and kills the mouse.

 

Don't be the mouse.

 

Ignore her, and when she nudges you don't react.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would treat you like you were another Cat...

 

50 bucks says that your contact name in her phone is "Free food".

[smackie9]

You two are pretty much having an emotional affair....something as simple as attention lacking in her relationship with her BF would be the reason.

 

BTW if you have an interest in someone....wouldn't the first question out of your mouth be "Hey so do you have a BF?" Stop playing games and just ask her.

[zyphfly]

You two are pretty much having an emotional affair....something as simple as attention lacking in her relationship with her BF would be the reason.

 

BTW if you have an interest in someone....wouldn't the first question out of your mouth be "Hey so do you have a BF?" Stop playing games and just ask her.

 

I think you might be really onto something here. I don't want to sound like that whiny guy that comes on a forum and says "oh, this situation is different than everyone else's, you should see the way she….blah blah blah". I think you've probably described what I'm feeling (and what I can only assume she is also feeling), on an emotional level I think we are both playing a role in each other's lives at the moment. Obviously I want more than that, and she (from what I gather) has that "more" already, with someone else, but clearly he isn't completely fulfilling her needs, or she wouldn't be dabbling with me. In my past relationships the only time I would've ever exhibited the kind of behavior she is, would be if I was really unhappy and considering looking elsewhere.

 

As for the interest, and just asking outright…it's kind of a complicated situation, but we work in relatively close proximity and so by default I'm forced to see her semi-regularly, and we have a lot of mutual friends. So, even though it's obvious to everyone (including her, I'm sure), I'm really reluctant to ask about her status and/or interest in me, partially because if I'm being honest I don't think I'd like the answer, but also because if it makes things become really awkward between us, it could effect work and friendships, and I want none of that mess.

[zyphfly]

In short, and not to be heartless; you're being played.

 

Ever see a cat play with a mouse? The Cat is only interested when the mouse seems uninterested. Mouse plays dead, and the Cat will continually nudge it to get it to react. Once it reacts, the Cat plays with it and then stops. Mouse plays dead, and the Cat nudges it. Mouse reacts, etc...

 

Then the Cat finally gets bored of it all and kills the mouse.

 

Don't be the mouse.

 

Ignore her, and when she nudges you don't react.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would treat you like you were another Cat...

 

50 bucks says that your contact name in her phone is "Free food".

 

I know that not everyone is able to be "figured out" or even worth trying for that matter, but I can't really understand what she has to gain by toying with me.

 

To be embarrassingly honest here (since this is anonymous, why not?)…I have made myself incredibly open to the idea of being used by her, I feel as though I've made it an option, and she isn't taking me up on it. So if she's using me for anything it's purely emotional. I've asked her if I can treat her to lunches, dinners, movies, concerts, etc. to the point where it's become a joke between us. I am so attracted to her, that even if I knew she was just using me I'd probably go along with it.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, maybe she has me listed as "makes me feel valued" in her phone, because she certainly hasn't made use of my numerous offers to treat her like a princess, at least not so far.

[Darren Steez]

So much passive aggressiveness and daydreaming.

 

Why not ask her about her boyfriend.

 

Why not ask her out?

 

Why not ask her period?

 

All this we're doing this but she doesn't do this, or why is she doing this if she's doing this? You're having conversations but why isn't she mentioning her boyfriend.. you're a classic nice guy, are you conversing with her out of genuine interest in her well being or you're really trying to get with her thus trying to illicit information about her boyfriend if she has one..since you heard through the grapevine instead of just asking her?

 

Fact is you know she probably has a boyfriend and yet you're still pursuing her and even if she's really done nothing wrong apart from talk to you and text you late night, you're still using all this information to try and determine some kind of motive on her part.

[Qboro90]

You want to know what's in it for her by continuing to text and interact with you? Seriously? Well other than the fact you've made it clear to her that you're willing to be a doormat for anything she wants/needs and treat her to lunches, nights out, treats, etc, without wanting anything in return other than her company.... You've also given her an outlet where she can treat you like a bf without having to give you any of the perks that go along with it. Bitch about her work, complain about her friends or what happened that day, talk to you about what she wants to discuss, know that you're listening and enthralled by it... That's the stuff that most guys and all boyfriends hate doing... And you're looking forward to it! Cmon man

 

The fact that she hasn't taken you up on your offers doesn't mean anything either btw. She still gets the knowledge that there's a guy out there who absolutely worships the ground she walks on. Of course she is going to get off on that and enjoy it. What does she have to do anyways? There's nothing you're asking for or requiring... So you're just available whenever she feels like it and predictably going to compliment her and act like whatever she wants to talk about is the most important thing in the world. That's what every girl wants. However the reason they want it is because the guys who they date, don't submit to that level of adoration and interest. You however will listen to how she's going to return her new handbag so she can get the new clutch that just came out. Girls don't date guys like that. Stop being that guy.

 

You're also prohibiting yourself from exploring other opportunities by pretending that you have a chance with this girl. If she liked you, you would've been laid by now. You would've been kissed, had a date, been complimented on how attractive you are to her... She doesn't do that Bc you're the mayor of friendzone right now and running the town like a champ.

 

When you put a girl on a pedestal like you have then you're showing her that you have no respect for yourself and how you want to be treated and you don't have the self confidence or attitude to do anything besides sit on the sidelines because of how scared you are about her telling you the answer you already know.

You 100% know that she doesn't want to date you and has no romantic attraction to you correct? So why haven't you thrown a Hail Mary and told her during one of your hangouts or late night convos "you know, usually when a girl texts me at 3am I end up getting laid... Ill entertain you but it's gonna require a smooch in order for me to get up"......

 

"you doing anything tonight? Wanna grab dinner/drinks?"

 

And for goodness sake just ask the girl if she's got a boyfriend. For someone who says that you have such long convos about everything and anything, you literally know nothing about this girl because you don't even know if she's single.

 

Tell her you just downloaded snapchat "send me a snap so I know i set it up right"... Then when you get one text her and say "your top is still on in that pic... Try again"

 

Sounds corny but it's just an example of progressing the sexual innuendo when you talk to her. This goes for any girl you like and want to go out with. You've never suggested you have any attraction or desire for her in anything other than a desperate Fanboy type way.

 

"what do you have planned/going on Sunday?"

If she says nothing then you ask "really? BF not taking you out and doing the flowers and dinner standard v day date?"

If she says she's going out then you know.

 

Or if you really wanna be a grown up... "Do you have a BF or can I take you out this weekend?"