Dating for almost 6 months, no commitment talk

[katiegrl]

This was the OP's original post.

 

In my last thread, someone said they would be concerned if they were dating for 5 months and no real talk of commitment. I feel like it can be assumed? Do you always need to confirm that you are indeed in a relationship?

 

From this and her second post wherein she advised how much time they spend together, with friends and family, their level of communication, etc...... it would appear to me that she seems fairly secure within their RL... and that the only reason she started this thread was because of what others have said about having "the talk."

 

I thought I should add that. We see each other regularly. We text throughout the day, met each other family and friends. Spend weekends together. Talk about being a holy with each other, missing each other that kind of stuff. Just no defining the relationship stuff.

 

Not what she personally believes or how she feels.

 

And where did she say he never told her he loved her? She said no such thing, so not sure where you got that.

 

Anyway, based on her two posts, she seems quite happy and content to me.

[elaine567]

I think that with an ordinary straightforward man, you can guess that if he sticks around, he IS dating exclusively and he has no other agenda. Katiegirl is probably OK in her assumptions regarding her own relationship.

 

BUT Renae's man is NOT straightforward, he is 43, he has been divorced for almost 17 yrs and his last serious relationship was 8 years ago. He was badly treated in both relationships and won't even speak about the last one...

He is no open book, and therefore nothing IMO can be assumed here.

[Gaeta]

And where did she say he never told her he loved her? She said no such thing, so not sure where you got that.

 

Her last thread, end of first paragraph.

[katiegrl]

Her last thread, end of first paragraph.

 

Oh she has a previous thread? Did not know that!

 

Okay will read.... perhaps I will change my mind after reading that one!!

 

I was only going by her two posts on this thread.

[Gaeta]

If he hasn't stated his intentions by now....you have your answer....he isn't going to be taking any further than just dating.

 

Sadly I believe that too. Especially he is 17 years older, bitter and defeated.

[Gaeta]

Sadly I believe that too. Especially he is 17 years older, bitter and defeated.

 

OP sorry I got my facts wrong. He has been divorced for 17 years, not 17 years older.

 

May I ask yours and his age?

[elaine567]

 

May I ask yours and his age?

 

Renae is 33 and her bf is 43.

[katiegrl]

Sadly I believe that too. Especially he is 17 years older, bitter and defeated.

 

Gaeta.... I have not read any of her previous threads so you could be right...BUT, you are 50 years old, are you bitter and defeated?

 

Despite having some very hard knocks, no you are not, so to presume he is based on his age is unfair IMO.

[Redhead14]

I think Renae has the "perfect" scenario for seeking clarity. The guy has been divorced for 17 years. A guy who was married and divorced for this long and on the dating scene is a likely "candidate" for simply having a long-term, exclusive relationship at best. If she is seeking marriage, she needs to find out "where" he's at/his views on marriage and dating and goals. I made a post defining a Quality Casual Guy and she replied that she thinks this guy is one of those.

[angel.eyes]

Renae, to get back to your original question, it depends--on the guy, how we meet, his values, how I feel about the two of us and the relationship, etc.

 

If we met via OLD or my hobbies, he's brought exclusivity, commitment,and what he's looking four out of dating. If he didn't, I no doubt would. We don't have much background on each other, so neither of us blindly makes assumptions.

 

If we are from the same social circle, have similar backgrounds, matching views on life, it hasn't come up. The assumption on both sides is we're only dating each other, and we're exploring whether we ultimately might want a shared life together.

 

Bottom line: there is no one size fits all situations or every context in a relationship. Trust your gut. If you aren't sure, clarify before you become more emotionally invested.

[katiegrl]

I think Renae has the "perfect" scenario for seeking clarity. The guy has been divorced for 17 years. A guy who was married and divorced for this long and on the dating scene is a likely "candidate" for simply having a long-term, exclusive relationship at best. If she is seeking marriage, she needs to find out "where" he's at/his views on marriage and dating and goals. I made a post defining a Quality Casual Guy and she replied that she thinks this guy is one of those.

 

FWIW... from her previous thread:

 

His actions show he is really into me. He makes time for me, asks me about my day, pays attention to things I like, is a great chef and makes me food that he knows I will really like, and goes out of his way to show me he cares through his actions.

I enjoy whatever undefined thing we have. I don't want to casually date, but I am not really seeking a life partner either at this point.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta.... I have not read any of her previous threads so you could be right...BUT, you are 50 years old, are you bitter and defeated?

 

Despite having some very hard knocks, no you are not, so to presume he is based on his age is unfair IMO.

 

I got all mixed up with this '' 17 years older than her''.

 

So he is 43 and divorced 17 years ago.

 

In her last thread I found this;

 

He is older than I am, has been divorced for almost 17 yrs and last serious relationship was 8 years ago. I think he had a bad experience with both of those relationships. The first one cheated on him, and he never mentions the second one.

 

I got hung up on the fact 'he had a bad experience' 17 years ago. Who brings that up after 17 years but someone bitter?

[Redhead14]

FWIW... from her previous thread:

 

Perfect, then, she's probably got the right guy for this.

[Gaeta]

Perfect, then, she's probably got the right guy for this.

 

So what's the problem?

 

And if they are spending so much time together, and talking every day, what's the problem with asking him if he is seeing anyone else.

[Redhead14]

So what's the problem?

 

And if they are spending so much time together, and talking every day, what's the problem with asking him if he is seeing anyone else.

 

There isn't. She should do that at least. She did say they spend a lot of time together, so likely he isn't seeing anyone else because there isn't much time to see anyone else hopefully. But, I don't think she should assume/guess that. Anyway, she's not looking for marriage or even a life partner, so the rest is kinda moot.

[Renae]

Sorry my thread totally blew up and I was offline. So to clarify. I am 32, he is 42. I have been divorced for about a year, and no real experience dating. He has been divorced for 17ish years and last serious relationshipended around 9 years ago. He doesn't say much about the secound one.

 

I didn't know there was such h a thing as exclusivity talk, I just kinda thought it was assumed. I have dated since I was 19 and only really ever dated 2 guys before my exHusband. Things have been going really well. I really like him, no ILYs have been exchanged but though his actions I know he is into me. The relationship is moving steadily forward. I don't feel like I am in a limbo of does he like me or not, and haven't really ever felt like he wasn't into me.

 

I have anxiety and tend to overthinking things, especially becuase of being in an emotionally abusive marriage. So then when I started reading things here ingot scared that I was missing something. That what I was feeling was off from how dating now is supposed to work. I did lots of things in the beginning of this relationship that really was not quite the right way to start things off becuase I really didn't think it through. (Like meeting him at his house for the secound date so he could cook me dinner at my suggestion, though I didn't realize that it could have seemed like i was trying to have sex with him). So I was just checking to see if you always have to have the defining the relationship talk?

 

As to say where I want the relationship to go is a hard one. I met him on a whim. He was the first guy I really messaged with who seemed normal on OLD. I was looking for more casual dating, not a hookup more like dating. I thought I would meet him for a drink and I would move onto to someone else. And we had an amazing first date, that was unorthodox, and that we laugh about still. We just really hit it off. I've never laughed so much with anyone ever before and have never felt so safe and comfortable just being me.

 

Do I have concerns? Sure I do. He takes his time to open up, but he does it more and more. He doesn't share how he feels very often but shows it all the time. I don't doubt that he cares about me. The way he looks at me and holds me makes me feel very much that he loves me. But I guess I could be wrong.

 

So then I read here, and it makes me scared that he is a commit phobe, dating someone else, going to ghost me, and all of the other things I read and it freaks me out.

[Larmaesh]

It's a big thing, so I think it needs to be clarified and agreed upon.

 

A title matters after that long. 3 months is my max

[Redhead14]

Sorry my thread totally blew up and I was offline. So to clarify. I am 32, he is 42. I have been divorced for about a year, and no real experience dating. He has been divorced for 17ish years and last serious relationshipended around 9 years ago. He doesn't say much about the secound one.

 

I didn't know there was such h a thing as exclusivity talk, I just kinda thought it was assumed. I have dated since I was 19 and only really ever dated 2 guys before my exHusband. Things have been going really well. I really like him, no ILYs have been exchanged but though his actions I know he is into me. The relationship is moving steadily forward. I don't feel like I am in a limbo of does he like me or not, and haven't really ever felt like he wasn't into me.

 

I have anxiety and tend to overthinking things, especially becuase of being in an emotionally abusive marriage. So then when I started reading things here ingot scared that I was missing something. That what I was feeling was off from how dating now is supposed to work. I did lots of things in the beginning of this relationship that really was not quite the right way to start things off becuase I really didn't think it through. (Like meeting him at his house for the secound date so he could cook me dinner at my suggestion, though I didn't realize that it could have seemed like i was trying to have sex with him). So I was just checking to see if you always have to have the defining the relationship talk?

 

As to say where I want the relationship to go is a hard one. I met him on a whim. He was the first guy I really messaged with who seemed normal on OLD. I was looking for more casual dating, not a hookup more like dating. I thought I would meet him for a drink and I would move onto to someone else. And we had an amazing first date, that was unorthodox, and that we laugh about still. We just really hit it off. I've never laughed so much with anyone ever before and have never felt so safe and comfortable just being me.

 

Do I have concerns? Sure I do. He takes his time to open up, but he does it more and more. He doesn't share how he feels very often but shows it all the time. I don't doubt that he cares about me. The way he looks at me and holds me makes me feel very much that he loves me. But I guess I could be wrong.

 

So then I read here, and it makes me scared that he is a commit phobe, dating someone else, going to ghost me, and all of the other things I read and it freaks me out.

 

Don't freak out. If you are feeling secure and he is meeting your needs, you don't have to do anything if you don't feel the need. The information here would be useful only if you start feeling that something is off, you have some sense of what possible reasons are, that's all. If this man isn't exhibiting any of the signs, no worries. It is a good idea to discuss exclusivity, but at this point, not absolutely necessary. Your comment about him being slow to open up, sounds like he just a regular guy getting to know you.

 

It's just that it's not like the "old days" anymore in the dating world. But, sometimes it does go that way.

 

Just focus on your needs and whether they are being met. At some point, though you should have a conversation about what you each want for yourselves for the long-term.

 

I think it would be a good idea if you get clear in your head about what YOU want. You said above that you thought you'd just meet him for a drink and move on. Do you want a long-term, committed relationship for yourself? Does he want that? Do you want marriage? Just make sure you are on the same page with all that at some point.

[Redhead14]

Renae, I forgot that you said you weren't looking for a life partner. I would advise you to make sure this guy understands that . . . he may be wanting something more than that and it would hurt him if you decided to move on. Again, this is all about being on the same page.

[PrettyEmily77]

So then I read here, and it makes me scared that he is a commit phobe, dating someone else, going to ghost me, and all of the other things I read and it freaks me out.

 

That made me smile... When I first started going out with my BF I was a little surprised at how well it was all going and started a thread here on whether I should be worried about having nothing to worry because, just like you, I had read thread after thread filled with negative vibes and words of caution and how this or that R was doomed to fail for whatever reason.

 

It'll be a year in April for us, and neither sat the other down for a 'commitment' talk - we're both happy, we both know implicitly and through actions where things are going, and that's what matters.

 

Like yours my BF needs time to open up but I'm in no hurry because I want him in my life and luckily he is the same. He's not a serial dater and I've only ever been LTR-focused, we both have busy lives so it's taken time to adapt to each other's life-styles but in the end, we want to be together more than we want to be apart so we make it work.

 

Enjoy your time together

[katiegrl]

A title matters after that long. 3 months is my max

 

While I respect this poster's opinion .... frankly, it's posts like this that can really mess some people up (unintentionally).

 

Renae, no there is not some universal rule saying a title matters, and if you don't *define* your relationship, it's doomed to fail, or the man is using you or whatevs.

 

Not every couple need to formally define their RL, or have "the talk" .... I never did nor have many many other couples...even on this thread.

 

Each couple should do what feels right for them ....there is no *right* way or *wrong* way to have a relationship.

 

The poster above said three months is her max. This is what *she* needs, what she requires. And that's fine, for her.

 

By no means does this hold true for everyone.

 

Renae, what you read on this and other message boards is not gospel. People post about their experiences and what works for *them.*

 

We are all different, and have different needs and *requirements* ( for lack of a better word).

 

Follow your gut, and if you feel good in your RL and things are progressing the way you want and you are both communicating and treating each other well.... then don't worry so much about what you read here...again it's not gospel.

 

It's just another informational tool you have to weigh against your own experiences ...but in the end, one should *always* do what works and feels right for *them*.

 

Just my two cents FWIW.

 

Good luck Renae!

Edited February 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Robert]

To avoid confusion, moderation has closed this thread to new posts, as the thread starter has a concurrently running thread on a similar issue.

 

Please feel free to continue to post to this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569910-so-i-guess-i-wrong

 

Thank you,

~6