typecast Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I've very rarely had something bother me this much, enough to ask for advice. I appreciate the responses I get and hopefully someone can lead me in a direction that feels "right" Quick background on me and why it's been so difficult. Almost 30 and have had the "gut feeling" about a girl once. This was in highschool. Have dated a few women on and off, my most successful relationship was the one I recently got out of (lasted 1.5 years). I loved her to death but something always felt.. off. It's hard to explain but I just felt that there was a better match out there for me. However, I would have never broken her heart. I loved her so much that I would have married her. She broke up with me which was what obviously needed to happen. 6 months later and I meet the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on. A good soul, my mirror, a perfect match. I get this insane feeling in my gut when I talk to her. I'm nervous whenever she is around, I look over my texts to her at least 50 times before I send it. Just like in highschool. This feeling is so rare to me that it's something unbelievably special and exciting. She has a boyfriend. When we first met, she told me the exact same thing I felt in my last relationship. That she loves him but something doesn't feel right. I persisted to keep at it, maybe things will change. We began talking a bit and the chemistry and spark between us is inevitable. Mutual friends say they can see it and has also told me some of the stuff she has said about me. Loves our conversation, sees a huge spark, likes me, attracted to me etc. And I feel it back. This all came to head one evening where we got a few seconds of alone time and she told me that she likes me but she loves her boyfriend. She feels so guilty about her feelings towards me and can't bring herself to break the bf's heart. Doesn't know what to do. Hearing this broke my heart because I could see it in her face how guilty she felt. And we didn't even do anything. just simple chatting and some messages here and there. But it's eating her up inside that she is having some attraction feelings to someone other than her boyfriend. a line she told her friend that i later heard was "i get excited when he messages me, I don't even feel this way to my bf." So this is where we stand. I need some advice on what to do. my two thought processes are (and they are fighting each other): 1. I like this girl. This is my life and this feeling may never come again. I need to chase this feeling. Something is telling me to go for it. And all the signals are pointing to "yes". It's a dog eat dog world. You need to think of yourself first. 2. She has a boyfriend, that she loves. They might not be a good fit but they are in love. I'm making her feel super guilty (If I really liked her as a person, I wouldn't be putting her in this type of situation. Wouldn't be making her feel negative emotions). Also, breaking the guys heart. That's two humans I'm effecting for selfish reasons. There are so many ethical and moral codes I'm breaking here. so I lay low for a week, purposely decide not to message and I hear their relationship is heating up again. This is good for her and I'm happy. But the connection is still there and I'm torn on what to do. Any advice or philosophies are appreciated 1
VeveCakes Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 She has a BF. It's her job to break up with him if she's interested. Walk away, stop texting and flirting. If she dumps him, fair game. 2
truth_seeker Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 This is a tough one. My best advice: Let her know how you feel and tell her if things don't work out with her current guy to let you know. You leave it there and move on. 5
Robratory Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 You have to be attracted to someone to get involved with them, but that "gut feeling" you describe means absolutely nothing. Sometimes, the girl that gives you that gut feeling will turn out to be the meanest, craziest, nastiest drama queen you can imagine. There is no correlation between being instantly smitten and finding happiness in a relationship. She says she likes you, but she loves her boyfriend and feels guilty at even the idea of cheating on him. So she's missing one of the three As -- attractive, agreeable, available. Go find a different girl. There are lots out there. 4
smackie9 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 You are not in love you are infatuated...you are stone-blind. She understands it's only infatuation, and this is purely an emotional affair that will probably fizzle out as fast as it started. She isn't invested I'm afraid. When you are infatuated all common sense flies out the window. I assure you, you will be able to reach this type of euphoria with someone else one day, just not with her. Let her go back to her BF to rekindle their relationship. 4
aconfusedgirl Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Don't pursue her... she has a boyfriend. Pursing someone who is already in a relationship can lead to resentment. Because what if you pursue her now, she leaves her boyfriend for you, and then she starts to miss him? She may resent you for it. Pursue her if she's single and completely moved on and ready to start new. Also... you said it feels like High School again... and you mention your ex a lot. It's like you just want to pursue this lady because it gives you a familiar feeling... 1
carhill Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 OP, while I get that all this stuff seems really important and dramatic, it boils down to one thing; people. You are two people and you've known each other apparently for awhile and, if you and she were going to be together as lovers/partners/spouses, you'd be together. You're not. EOS. The good news is you can legally, in most jurisdictions, pursue anyone at any time for any reason for romantic purposes as long as they don't report you for stalking. This includes women with boyfriends and husbands. Society generally frowns on the latter but it's been going on forever and, yup, people have indeed thrown over their partners and spouses for lovers and lived happily ever after. It happens. Will it here? It takes two; not one and one who needs convincing. While that makes for good drama on the silver screen, it's generally a horrible time and emotion suck in real life. If you're both on the same page, she won't need convincing nor have to feel bad about anything. No one dies and life goes on and one more, of billions, of partnerships changes along the path of human existence. 1
yxalitis Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 OP, compare your situation with mine: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/566465-dating-much-younger-girl Here, the girl with the BF made all the approaches, I accepted them, but did nothing to "pursue" her. Forget your "gut feeling," forget your 50 text messages (which is nothing by the way), actions are what counts, and I see nothing here whatsoever to chase...nothing. 1
Satu Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Other peoples partners are other peoples partners. If you want one, get one of your own. No matter what you might think/believe/hope, she is where she wants to be. Turn around and walk away.
WaitingForBardot Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 When a girl is single, your competition is the whole world. When she has a boyfriend, it's one guy. Just sayin'... << Flamesuit on >> ..lol.. 1
Jabron1 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 We're getting into some dark arts now... To start, I'm not too bothered about the ethics of it. For any one woman that I see, there are always guys that suffer. This is because most pretty woman have options. But it's imperative that you consider the possible comebacks. No woman is worth the trouble of dealing with a vengeful, crazy cuckolded guy. It ain't worth it. Trust me. I don't try to logically convince a woman that she should see me over anyone else. Women follow their emotions. Focus on her emotions, if you want to get the girl. In this case, the woman feels guilty over her obligations to her boyfriend. All you need to do is allow this girl to place all of the blame on you. She want's to be able to have adventure sex with you, and then rationalize the next day that she isn't a b*tch for doing it. She needs you to take that burden from her. I'll tell you something that you won't like or probably listen to: you are not in love with her. How many other women are you seeing at this moment? Go and date another beautiful woman whilst you maintain the chase after this one, and see if you still have the same intensity of feeling for her. Ironically, starting to see other woman, whilst keeping this one on the hook, will increase her attraction for you. So, start approaching other women. Increase your options. Consider this as a war of attrition. The best seducers understand that patience is often the key.
jen1447 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 When a girl is single, your competition is the whole world. When she has a boyfriend, it's one guy. Just sayin'... << Flamesuit on >> ..lol.. Never stopped me. ;) (Most importantly in the case of my most recent ....can't even imagine having taken a pass on that now.) Srsly, if you think this is 'the one' you're almost obligated to try something. Either that or regret letting the one slip by for the rest of your life bc she had some dude following her around at the time.
truth_seeker Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Ironically, starting to see other woman, whilst keeping this one on the hook, will increase her attraction for you. So, start approaching other women. Increase your options. Consider this as a war of attrition. The best seducers understand that patience is often the key. I'm sending out a fist-tap to Jabron1.
Jabron1 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 You are not in love you are infatuated... This is true. He isn't in love with her; he's obsessed with her. This isn't a healthy, and fun attraction that's based on her qualities as a woman. I'm picking up the vibe of a guy that's going nuts because a woman has shown him some attention. This is why a man needs to have options.
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