I don't know where to start, any suggestions ?

[DatingDirection]

I really don't know where to start?

 

Psychically - I lost 32 pounds since September. My diet has been all over the place from December to the present. I gained 4 pounds. I feel tired, sluggish and my neck is stiff. I just came back from the gym, and I feel noxious. I also feel bloated. Over all just feel fat, sick and out of wack. If that makes sense. I would like to loose another 30 pounds, and at that point i will be at my ideal weight, and body composition.

 

Mentally - My place is a mess, it's making me depressed, and I do plan to clean up big time this weekend. I cried after i finished working out, i don't know why i cried. Thoughts ran through my head, im stuck, im always going in circles, trying to loose weight, looking after kids that are not my own children, wanting a family of my own, yet enjoying the thought of having my alone time, it's better to be single than with someone i don't like, or who doesn't help me move forward in my life. On the contrary, wishing i was with someone who could help me have some fun in my life, and move forward in my goals. Then again, reminding myself, it's up to me to make myself happy, no else can do that for me, or can they?

 

I'm starting to dislike men. I see advertisements in the bathroom of the gym, that say: "I'll pay for dinner, you pay me back with desert" - meaning sex after dinner. Although the add is conveying the message that sexual harrasment is not ok. Which is a good thing, but we all know this by now, can't they just take it down for pete sake, i don't want to stare at it all the time while im in the bathroom.

 

Tinder - I have no interest in meeting anyone off that site. The men are not interested in getting to know any woman, they just want to have sex, and shop for the next best thing.

 

Articles about relationships in general state how hard it is to find someone in this day in age. We all want instant gratification, and to look to someoen else for our own approval for existance, primarly based on our looks, and then yes - our income level. Men too want a partner to help them become the power house couple, it seems. I know i should turn my focus away from all these negative messages, but it's constantly around me and it's making me resent relationships, and men in general. I'm in my 30's btw.

 

Spiritually: I have a vision board which i look at each day. I'm trying to talk to my angels, and hope that things will some how sort themselves out.

 

Emotionally: I'm not happy, im crying a bit, and i don't know why. I just wished i felt vitality, and rejuvinated. I don't know why i feel my energy is zapped.

 

Writing this all, is helping alot, and when i get feedback, that helps too. I am truly thankful, for everyone who reads this, and for anyone who would like to share their OP's on what i've shared. Thank you.

[louxor]

To start I'm going to recommend that you put aside all that dating/relationship talk and focus 100% on sorting out your personal issues first. Happiness cannot be achieved with someone else until you are in a happy place by yourself.

 

A good starting point is narrowing in on the problems you're facing and doing the best you can to isolate the root cause:

 

Going off what you've written

- why are you looking after kids that are not your own?

- Do you think that all the running around and stress that comes from this is impacting you in the other areas you've mentioned? (Messy place, feeling depressed/unhappy, lack of energy, body-related issues)

- If the kids aren't the major reason, can you pinpoint anything else that may be a cause? (Lack of passion for your career etc)

Edited February 11, 2016 by louxor

[DatingDirection]

To start I'm going to recommend that you put aside all that dating/relationship talk and focus 100% on sorting out your personal issues first. Happiness cannot be achieved with someone else until you are in a happy place by yourself.

 

A good starting point is narrowing in on the problems you're facing and doing the best you can to isolate the root cause:

 

Going off what you've written

- why are you looking after kids that are not your own?

- Do you think that all the running around and stress that comes from this is impacting you in the other areas you've mentioned? (Messy place, feeling depressed/unhappy, lack of energy, body-related issues)

- If the kids aren't the major reason, can you pinpoint anything else that may be a cause? (Lack of passion for your career etc)

 

Looking after kids is my job. I have applied to a program that I hope will open doors for me, and create stability, and generate more income. Thank you for your suggestion.

 

I do think, that all this could be related to my job. But more so, being un organized. Isolated, etc.

[preraph]

I think you are on overload. So you need to simplify. You can rarely ever make a match online without wasting tons of time on mismatches first, so I recommend you stop trying. Seriously, set it all aside. Get offline and try to meet real friends and men. Don't be online where they can even find you.

 

Go out both alone and with friends and simply do all the things you would want to be doing if you had a friend or a man to do them with. Whatever it is, from going to see a band to going to the museum to taking riding lessons or cooking lessons or whatever. Go out of the house and out in public and do activities and hobbies and interests. That is how you meet someone you have any interests in common with. Because what do you have in common with people on OLD? Being bitter about OLD, and that's about it.

 

I promise going and doing the things you love will perk you up. It will make you happy and give you joy and make you more interesting to friends when you talk to them and expand your repertoire of interests so your field isn't so narrow, and in the process of bike-riding or skating or whatever, you will meet some friends or guys. Go. Do things.

[louxor]

Looking after kids is my job. I have applied to a program that I hope will open doors for me, and create stability, and generate more income. Thank you for your suggestion.

 

I do think, that all this could be related to my job. But more so, being un organized. Isolated, etc.

 

How do you feel on a Friday evening/weekend when you know you have a couple of days away from your job? Does it make you feel any better?

 

Have you considered hiring someone to come in and clean/help organise your home? Sometimes spending a little bit more to take off some stress is well worth it.

 

Could you expand on what you mean when you say isolation could be a contributing factor?

[gonnadropthemic]

I've been feeling a lot of what you have been feeling lately.

I can totally relate with it all except I am married and have kids.

What's crazy is I dream of your life (no kids, no spouse, all alone) a lot.

When I get in these ruts it's sometimes hard to just snap right back out of it. With the recent stresses our house has gotten pretty cluttered bc I just haven't had the energy to tackle it. So I feel ya on that and that alone can make you feel depressed. I hate that.

So lately I've been feeling better (somewhat) but it's taking a lot of work on my part which is hard.

For me- I've set really small goals and am working towards that. And I mean REALLY small, like vacuumed the floor woo hoo. Surprisingly it does feel good to knock off a todo list of small stuff. So start with small gratifications. 2nd I would lay low on the dating scene for a bit. It seems like it's causing you more anxiety and stress than any good. And with Valentine's Day coming up I know it has to be hitting 3x as hard! The holiday will pass and it will be easier being single. For me the stressors were friends and social media. I just couldn't handle looking at everyone else and their happy marriages so I went through and basically cut everyone off my IG and only do family on my fb. I went from 210 friends on fb to 33! It was hard- but honestly the stress is way less. If something causes you stress try to eliminate it. Such as the dating... Take a step back and focus on you for a bit.

Set a goal- no dating or looking until you declutter your place. Could work never know

And lastly- are you into music?? It's about the only way I get through a day most days. Crank up some music and shut the tv off. It usually gets me up off my butt even if it's just for a minute. -and don't play sad stuff lol play dance music. I wrote down all my fave songs from the past, all the songs that make me hyper and remind me of good times in the past and downloaded them all and it has helped a lot! Just listening to a song you know will make you smile or dance does wonders when you are down in the dumps.

Hugs!! Hope it gets better for you.

I have found coming on here helped me recently. Just getting it off my chest and hearing that you aren't alone helps a lot.

[Buddhist]

I really don't know where to start?

 

Psychically - I lost 32 pounds since September. My diet has been all over the place from December to the present.

 

I was overweight until I was 30. My secret? One day I just decided my body was what it was (fat) and if that was my lot in life then I may as well just accept it. So I did, and three months later was 2 dress sizes smaller. The moral of that story is that stress (yes especially stressed caused by being unhappy with the way we look) will actually cause you to put on weight. There's a few factors at play. Your body will not burn fat while it is filled with cortisol. Stress indicates to the body that circumstances are potentially life threatening so better keep the fat just in case. The other thing is stress will cause you to self-soothe which is often sabotaging behaviours that do not help us with our goals. Fight the stress, not the fat. The fat will take care of itself if you remove stress from your life.

 

Mentally - My place is a mess, it's making me depressed, and I do plan to clean up big time this weekend.

 

Your place is probably a physical manifestation of the way you feel, disorganised and overwhelming. I felt the same for a long time and what actually helped was buying enough furniture and storage solutions to create a space for everything. A house that doesn't work, creates a brain that does the same. Visual overload will lead to overwhelming feelings. Cleaning your house isn't just a nice thing to do, it's probably very necessary for your continuing health. Get onto it.

 

Emotionally: I'm not happy, im crying a bit, and i don't know why. I just wished i felt vitality, and rejuvinated. I don't know why i feel my energy is zapped.

 

Look up adrenal fatigue, it may be enlightening.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you so much for all the responses. When i'm away from work, I panic, and think i better take advantage of the free time i have, what should i do today, what will make me happy today, even the weekend is stressed, it's a bit funny, but it's stressed b/c im trying to be happy with the 48 hours of free time.

 

I am "trying" to do the Dr. Oz 3 day cleans. I've just had 1 smoothie, and im all ready wanting to call it quits and just eat normally, salad with chicken or something, or...a pizza. lol. It's so cold here, and i don't want to go out, i just want to order a pizza. I know if i quit now, i will feel awful, like i am incapable of doing something so small, drinking smoothies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Uff...

 

Yes, i cleaned up a bit today. The reason for the cleanse is to feel rejuvenated again. I didn't make it to the gym, b.c having only had a smoothie, well...it's not that filling, enough to work out on.

[louxor]

Thank you so much for all the responses. When i'm away from work, I panic, and think i better take advantage of the free time i have, what should i do today, what will make me happy today, even the weekend is stressed, it's a bit funny, but it's stressed b/c im trying to be happy with the 48 hours of free time.

 

Have you ever tried having a weekend where you don't try and force yourself to get up and do something? Like sleeping in, waking up, and then seeing what you feel like doing. If nothing in particular comes up, a weekend in bed with a cup of tea and a good book is always very nice once in a while.

 

I am "trying" to do the Dr. Oz 3 day cleans. I've just had 1 smoothie, and im all ready wanting to call it quits and just eat normally, salad with chicken or something, or...a pizza. lol. It's so cold here, and i don't want to go out, i just want to order a pizza. I know if i quit now, i will feel awful, like i am incapable of doing something so small, drinking smoothies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Uff...

 

Yes, i cleaned up a bit today. The reason for the cleanse is to feel rejuvenated again. I didn't make it to the gym, b.c having only had a smoothie, well...it's not that filling, enough to work out on.

 

I've never been a fan of these "diets", and I don't think I ever will be. Sure, they may boast great weight loss examples, but I personally believe it's not a very healthy way to do it, and basically just shifts you from being unhappy about your body, to being unhappy because you're so hungry but can't eat, and feeling sloppy because you have no energy to exercise - Kinda seems like a pointless trade off right?

 

What I've seen work best for me is simply just changing what I eat, and cutting back on quantity a little. You still get to eat, you still feel full, you still have energy to workout - The only real change is that you have substituted your bad food choice habits for good ones, more fresh homemade meals, less processed and fatty foods etc etc. The results may be slower, but it will be a lot easier to deal with, and the chances of sticking to it and keeping the weight off are a lot higher.

Edited February 14, 2016 by louxor

[bathtub-row]

I can totally relate to you on the issue of men. Over the years, I've observed some pretty rotten behavior. The dating sites only pounded this issue even harder so I got off of them completely. It's a lesson to us women that we must be very cautious about who we allow into our sphere. And I say, let him find me, or let the universe work for me on this one. I'm done worrying about something that may or may not happen and, if it does, who's to say it will last? Relationships are risk and the sooner people realize this, the better they can deal with things. The Millennial generation believes that marriage is an outdated concept. All of this causes me to learn to be self-sustaining and self-reliant. If I meet a great guy, then great. If not, I'll be just fine.

 

What you will find if you look around is that a whole lot of people are disillusioned about relationships. That goes for single and married people. Read the stuff on this site written by married people. Just look around you. How many couples do you know that are truly happy. I mean really happy, not just putting on an act for others or Facebook. I know of maybe one or two couples. The rest of them spend a lot of time thinking about their options for divorcing, who they can have an affair with, or waiting for their spouse to get hit by a truck.

 

My point is, you have an enviable life and just don't know it. And keeping your house messy is an all-time really bad idea. That is depressing and demeaning on so many levels. Every single day you get out of bed, it should be made before you go to work. Put dirty dishes away. Come home to a pretty place. Make your place feel sparkly every day and appreciate the space you're in.

 

You can't have a visualization board and live in chaos. It just doesn't work that way. And the board is great but you really need to hone in on the important things. Ask yourself what's first on our list. Then do that, then the next thing.

 

I would never do a cleanse in the wintertime. Save that stuff for the summer. Your body needs food to keep warm. Also, either exercise or do a cleanse. It's too difficult to do both. Do a diet like Weight Watchers where no foods are off-limits and you don't feel deprived. It also allows you to stay focused because you have to keep track of what you're doing. So, between the diet and exercising, that'll keep you occupied and focused on your goal. 30 pounds is not that much weight. You could lose that in two or three months. If you continue to feel bad physically, you may be eating or drinking things that are too chemically based or you're allergic to them.

 

I think it's time for you to decide where you want your life to be. Let's call that Plan A -- maybe it's marriage and kids. Then have a Plan B. You can focus on Plan B until someone enters your life. Or you can reverse the Plans. Be single and happy and travel or do whatever you choose. Your life is a blank slate -- where do you want to take it?

Edited February 14, 2016 by bathtub-row

[DatingDirection]

I've never been a fan of these "diets", and I don't think I ever will be. Sure, they may boast great weight loss examples, but I personally believe it's not a very healthy way to do it, and basically just shifts you from being unhappy about your body, to being unhappy because you're so hungry but can't eat, and feeling sloppy because you have no energy to exercise - Kinda seems like a pointless trade off right?

 

I completely agree. All it did was shift me from being unhappy about my body, to be unhappy about being so hungry and having to drink smoothies for 3 days. So, I stopped. I didn't order a pizza either..lol. I ate my kale salad with chicken, and had a small meal for dinner. I ended up going to the gym today, having more energy.

 

I am going to start the 3 day military diet. I went food shopping for it today, and I will be starting it tomorrow. I just need a bit of a different kick in my diet, and some structure back. I also hope to see some results, b/c the scale hasn't moved in 3 months :S.

 

I did clean up my kitchen, made me feel better too. I wish i could spend all day in bed, and i guess in a way i did that yesterday, due to lack of energy though...but lately i haven't had good sleep my matress sucks, and it was so cold last night omg, i thought i was going to freeze. lol. Anyways, thanks again for all of your suggestions. Happy Valentines Day!!! I am actually happy to be single today. It's over rated.

[DatingDirection]

"My point is, you have an enviable life and just don't know it. And keeping your house messy is an all-time really bad idea. That is depressing and demeaning on so many levels. Every single day you get out of bed, it should be made before you go to work. Put dirty dishes away. Come home to a pretty place. Make your place feel sparkly every day and appreciate the space you're in."

 

Definitely! I'm going to clean up, and make it sparkle! Thank you. I loved reading your reply. Thanks