Can I ask what you loveshackers think?

[weeble78]

Hey don't worry.

 

I did this. And many heads were slapped.

It's not a fun road for sure, but I have my daughter full-time and one on the way because of it. (This baby's nickname is "Oops" for the time being.)

 

It took A LOT of YEARS and a lot of slapped heads though.

 

And for my husband to go to treatment post-six month separation. Frankly, he was a Fu*king train-wreck.

 

The photo album has some blank spots. And daughter and I would have been okay. He would NOT have had custody of her though. Frankly be would have been lucky to get a good spot for his cardboard box under the freeway at the rate he was going. But he got help and made a lot of changes. We attend weekly marital counseling still. And probably will for awhile. Counseling was even explosive at first. Seriously. I was surprised we made it even six sessions.

 

Everyone will have their opinion. But you are the one who has to live with it one way or the other.

 

 

Hey DoT. Thank you. It sounds like you've been through the whole shebang. Was it worth it for you?

 

 

Ha ha, love your new baby's nickname.

 

 

I hear you about living with it. I'm not sure I'm making the right choice but at least I'll know I tried. And this doesn't mean this is it for me. It's time I get out there again and focus on myself more, broaden my horizons, think about what else I want to contribute to the world other than being a mum and having a job.

[BetrayedH]

hi BH

 

 

I feel exactly the same. The anger is mostly from the possibility of being separated from my baby 50% of the time. It sounds like you came to terms with it although it was tough. Have you moved on with anybody else or is it early days for you?

 

 

Things changed last night. WH wants us to try because of our daughter and because we did have a good relationship at some point. I still can't get my head around having my daughter half the time so I'm willing to try although to be honest right now my heart is only with my daughter.

 

 

I understand there will be a lot of head slapping from people, from my friends and family, but my reasoning is that I'd like to say to my daughter that we've tried, and I'd feel happier leaving knowing we gave it a shot. I'm not convinced but will use this time to get myself stronger and organise my life a bit more, and see where the next 3 months takes me.

 

 

If his behaviour can change and his attitude towards life in general then he will be great. I think he has spent too much time feeling sorry for himself and dwelling on things instead of looking outwards to make life better for himself and our daughter.

 

 

Please don't go away, as you're all wonderful people. I don't consider myself to be great at understanding all things emotional and you've all helped me understand what's going on and cleared up a lot of confusion for me this time around.

 

 

In my last relationship I had nowhere else to turn so believed all the gaslighting and blameshifting. I spent months turning myself into knots, made myself sick, lost a huge amount of weight and hair and ended up losing my home, job and family (temporarily). It sure was a mess. This time is different, and I'm not scared of being a mum on my own or any of those things. Being a mum turns you into a tiger from the minute you know that little baby is there. (I'm sure it's the same for dads The only thing I'm scared of is changing my baby's life for the worse.

 

First, let me assure you that the folks that have been on your thread are not the sort to split on you. I almost laughed at that. Some folks may "slap" you from time to time but in these circles we affectionately refer to them as "2x4s" to the head.

 

To briefly answer you about my situation, My Dday was in May of 2011 and divorced in October of 2012. I've had a lot of time to become the stable voice of reason that you hear here. To say that much of the story is left out here is a pretty dramatic understatement. But it's for another time. But no, it's not early days for me and yes, I did find someone else and we're still together.

 

As for your change in decision, I think that's ok provided that it's based on legitimate and equal efforts by your husband. I made similar efforts. But I would still caution you about lowering your standards. The reality is that I always saw your H's "decision" to leave as one big bluff. He didn't want to leave (which would have clearly left the blame with him) but he wanted to use the threat of leaving to get you to back the hell down from your very reasonable demands.

 

I can't write too much more this morning but please bear in mind that reconciliation is not a one-time decision. It is a process and it's one that you probably will (and should) reanalyze and re-decide daily for quite a while. Forgiveness works much the same way. Conventional wisdom says to expect 2-5 years before you can feel recovered. And, in my view, whether you recover at all has much to do with your husband doing the heavy lifting. Not to worry, you'll be doing plenty of lifting, too. Just make sure he deserves it.

 

I would ask, besides your H saying he wants to try again (which I am sure you were desperate to hear), what else is he offering up? Words from him should mean very little right now. I'd like to hear about actions.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As a couple who has been in reconciliation for 33 years....we believe it can and does happen.

 

If that is your choice...then God Bless you.

 

May I suggest that you and your husband both read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

 

If your husband REALLY wants to heal your relationship....this 95 page book is a very good place to start. You can download it on line free.

 

My husband gave me a second chance....I believe everyone deserves a second chance. I pray your husband....does everything he needs to do to help you heal.

[merrmeade]

As a couple who has been in reconciliation for 33 years....we believe it can and does happen.

 

If that is your choice...then God Bless you.

 

May I suggest that you and your husband both read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

 

If your husband REALLY wants to heal your relationship....this 95 page book is a very good place to start. You can download it on line free.

 

My husband gave me a second chance....I believe everyone deserves a second chance. I pray your husband....does everything he needs to do to help you heal.

You've gotten some very good advice from good people. BH first told me about the Linda McDonald book. You've done better than I did at this stage, but I was just thinking this morning that the turning point - whenever it happens - is when you realize that you will not settle for less than what you deserve and you will not play the same games. My husband's grateful for it and he damn well should be.

[weeble78]

First, let me assure you that the folks that have been on your thread are not the sort to split on you. I almost laughed at that. Some folks may "slap" you from time to time but in these circles we affectionately refer to them as "2x4s" to the head.

 

To briefly answer you about my situation, My Dday was in May of 2011 and divorced in October of 2012. I've had a lot of time to become the stable voice of reason that you hear here. To say that much of the story is left out here is a pretty dramatic understatement. But it's for another time. But no, it's not early days for me and yes, I did find someone else and we're still together.

 

As for your change in decision, I think that's ok provided that it's based on legitimate and equal efforts by your husband. I made similar efforts. But I would still caution you about lowering your standards. The reality is that I always saw your H's "decision" to leave as one big bluff. He didn't want to leave (which would have clearly left the blame with him) but he wanted to use the threat of leaving to get you to back the hell down from your very reasonable demands.

 

I can't write too much more this morning but please bear in mind that reconciliation is not a one-time decision. It is a process and it's one that you probably will (and should) reanalyze and re-decide daily for quite a while. Forgiveness works much the same way. Conventional wisdom says to expect 2-5 years before you can feel recovered. And, in my view, whether you recover at all has much to do with your husband doing the heavy lifting. Not to worry, you'll be doing plenty of lifting, too. Just make sure he deserves it.

 

I would ask, besides your H saying he wants to try again (which I am sure you were desperate to hear), what else is he offering up? Words from him should mean very little right now. I'd like to hear about actions.

 

 

Ha ha to 2x4s. I learn new things every time I visit here.

 

 

Hmmm. I understand the 'process' that reconciliation is, it's clearly another journey which we have embarked upon whether or not we have wanted it. I haven't. Life changed the minute I found out about his texting. One thing that has helped me make this decision so far is that when he thought I could retrieve the messages he gave me his phone to try and get them back. Before I looked he told me that the messaging was explicit, that it was discussing sex games they felt they were missing out on and that it was slagging off their spouses for their 'boring' lives. I felt that under the threat of me being able to retrieve everything, he confessed to everything and kept underlying that it never was physical and would never have gone that far (not that I believe nothing would have happened, I'm not that naïve). So in a way I did feel I got the truth out of him. Cheating is cheating though.

 

 

Currently he is offering getting his hands dirty in the house and with childcare, wanting to go to counselling (although not organising it) and generally trying to spend time with me. To be fair though we have an hour if that in the evening once baby is in bed and dinner's cooked. He's apologised a million times, but to be honest I've kind of been keeping busy and out of his hair. I don't know where to start, as I have a new way of relating to him all of a sudden. Our old relationship is gone. At the moment my mum is sick after her latest round of chemo last week and she's had some bad news, it's kind of hard to concentrate on me and him right now.

[weeble78]

As a couple who has been in reconciliation for 33 years....we believe it can and does happen.

 

If that is your choice...then God Bless you.

 

May I suggest that you and your husband both read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

 

If your husband REALLY wants to heal your relationship....this 95 page book is a very good place to start. You can download it on line free.

 

My husband gave me a second chance....I believe everyone deserves a second chance. I pray your husband....does everything he needs to do to help you heal.

 

 

Hey Mrs Adams. Thank you for your suggestion. I will take a look and put it in the pot of things we can do. Who knows where we will be in a year's time, this is a pretty disorientating time right now but thank you for your invaluable advice.

[weeble78]

You've gotten some very good advice from good people. BH first told me about the Linda McDonald book. You've done better than I did at this stage, but I was just thinking this morning that the turning point - whenever it happens - is when you realize that you will not settle for less than what you deserve and you will not play the same games. My husband's grateful for it and he damn well should be.

 

 

Hello. I have been so lucky to hear from some fantastic people here and get some very sound advice, which has been my anchor the last few weeks. Everyone here has given me things to think about and questions to ask myself, and also helped lay things out in an understandable way when I'm going through something that is completely non-understandable in every shape. I will always be grateful for that. I think I'm still waiting for that turning point, but already having had the experience of chalking up a solicitor and getting advice, and getting financial advice to care for me and my baby, that in itself has made me stronger. That and the unravelling of the gaslighting and blameshifting. I don't know if I'll carry this relationship through but I'll give it a go. Either way I know that I will come out with my head held high this time. You sound like you also can hold your head high and are confident in what you know, that makes all the difference.

[merrmeade]

Hey Mrs Adams. Thank you for your suggestion. I will take a look and put it in the pot of things we can do...

 

Unless things have changed, I doubt anyone will let you off the hook with just putting it in a "pot of things we can do." For your sake, I hope not.

 

I've never forgotten BH's exchange with me about that book post D-day 3-1/2 years ago in my first thread. He felt pretty strongly about it (which I needed) ...

BH

on p. 4:

Also, get him the book, "How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." He may start to get it.

 

mm

on p. 9:

H

has started reading the Help your Spouse Heal book.** Started.... I have mixed feelings about this book, having read all of it in a short time last night. That is, I wonder if such a book doesn't also just provide a script for the

WS

.

 

BH

on p. 10:

What has your husband been doing? Last I recall he was slowly reading that book (which is somewhat ridiculous in and of itself considering that it is maybe 100 pages or something - I think I read it in one sitting).

 

mm

:

I asked him about the book last night, and he said he hasn't finished it, interrupted by work or something.

 

BH

:

Guess you don't have to worry about him knowing the script.

 

mm

:

-- He did read the book

btw

- after being reminded. Only time he's been proactive.

I agree it's important to read as soon as possible. Maybe your husband will stick with it.

[Sparkles72]

We are married. For 3 years. Together for 3 years prior.

 

 

It's been a difficult few months - my mum has been diagnosed with cancer and for 2 months it looked like she wasn't going to be treated.

 

 

We have a 1 year old daughter. I started back at work a few months ago working 4 long days to make up full-time.

 

 

H has always said I can sometimes criticise him. Says I sometimes make him feel unappreciated and that I don't love him for who he is, that he misses sex and intimacy (we sleep separately now due to snoring issues which he refuses to try to do anything about). He says he feels nothing he does is good enough.

 

 

I don't deny that I can be hard on people sometimes, as I'm used to being hard on myself expecting things to be perfect. I have a problem with his temper, particularly in front of our daughter. There is a lot of shouting from him and namecalling in front of her. He also doesn't pitch in as much as I'd like.

 

 

So 2 weeks ago I became suspicious something was going on on whatsapp. I confronted him and bluffed that I knew he was messaging this girl from work. He lied at first then admitted it but blamed me and refused to let me read the messages. He then deleted them all.

 

 

Apparently this girl had shown him attention and talked about sex, which he felt he was missing, so he went ahead and messaged her several times. He also confided in her about our relationship and said he'd got to the point where he didn't care about cheating on me any more.

 

 

So that's the backstory. Basically I'm devastated mostly for my baby and our family and am trying to decide whether there's any chance of reconciling (he's said sorry but refuses to let me try and retrieve the messages).

 

 

I would be so grateful for some sensible input here please.

 

 

I have already been to see a solicitor, sorted out the finances and made sure myself and my daughter will be secure.

 

 

Thank you

 

 

This is how my partner was with me, he was constantly texting another woman. Eventually he had an affair with her, which I found out about. We are still together but it is still very early days. Communication is key, if you can both talk and resolve your problems, I would try this before things go too far, I wish I had done this.

[weeble78]

Unless things have changed, I doubt anyone will let you off the hook with just putting it in a "pot of things we can do." For your sake, I hope not.

 

I've never forgotten BH's exchange with me about that book post D-day 3-1/2 years ago in my first thread. He felt pretty strongly about it (which I needed) ...

BH

on p. 4:

Also, get him the book, "How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." He may start to get it.

 

mm

on p. 9:

H

has started reading the Help your Spouse Heal book.** Started.... I have mixed feelings about this book, having read all of it in a short time last night. That is, I wonder if such a book doesn't also just provide a script for the

WS

.

 

BH

on p. 10:

What has your husband been doing? Last I recall he was slowly reading that book (which is somewhat ridiculous in and of itself considering that it is maybe 100 pages or something - I think I read it in one sitting).

 

mm

:

I asked him about the book last night, and he said he hasn't finished it, interrupted by work or something.

 

BH

:

Guess you don't have to worry about him knowing the script.

 

mm

:

-- He did read the book

btw

- after being reminded. Only time he's been proactive.

I agree it's important to read as soon as possible. Maybe your husband will stick with it.

 

 

A pot of things we can do is a phrase to cover counselling, reading books etc - all the things we can do to help solve the situation. I don't understand why that is a bad thing?

 

 

For what it's worth anyway, my WH has kicked off about sorting counselling and reading the book Mrs Adams suggested, and also about defriending OW on facebook. He is being very arrogant and ready to attack. I'm not particularly hopeful about things, but I know it will put my mind at rest if I give up.

[weeble78]

This is how my partner was with me, he was constantly texting another woman. Eventually he had an affair with her, which I found out about. We are still together but it is still very early days. Communication is key, if you can both talk and resolve your problems, I would try this before things go too far, I wish I had done this.

 

 

I agree with the communication part. Unfortunately for me WH seems to want to intimidate me with being angry every time I mention anything at the moment, so I'm hoping counselling will be a better place to communicate. I'm also utilising this time to get some confidence in myself, to line up my options and move past being just mum/wife.

 

 

You sound like you regret not talking or communicating somehow. Don't blame yourself. As I've been told here and learned in the past, it's each of our choice whether we take actions that benefit or harm our relationships. Lack of communication is something that can be remedied, cheating cannot. It's an action that can't be taken back. In fact I think I've been repeating this myself the last few weeks. In my own defence. And getting nowhere.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am glad your wh is trying......now lets see if the book speaks to him. You will know right away. You should also read it...so you can watch for the signs.

 

It does not speak to everyone...especially those who are not ready for complete remorse.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds to me like your H needs more of the 180.

 

It's ridiculous that he's angry with you over a situation that he created.

 

So many waywards just want or expect for their betrayed spouse to get over it. Your H goes a step further and tries to punish you for it.

 

As I've been known to say before, the wayward doesn't get to stab you in the back and then complain about how long you bleed on the carpet.

[Gigi2015]

Sounds to me like your H needs more of the 180.

 

It's ridiculous that he's angry with you over a situation that he created.

explained!

So many waywards just want or expect for their betrayed spouse to get over it. Your H goes a step further and tries to punish you for it.

 

As I've been known to say before, the wayward doesn't get to stab you in the back and then complain about how long you bleed on the carpet.

 

 

Beautifully explained !!

[Gigi2015]

I agree with the communication part. Unfortunately for me WH seems to want to intimidate me with being angry every time I mention anything at the moment, so I'm hoping counselling will be a better place to communicate. I'm also utilising this time to get some confidence in myself, to line up my options and move past being just mum/wife.

 

 

You sound like you regret not talking or communicating somehow. Don't blame yourself. As I've been told here and learned in the past, it's each of our choice whether we take actions that benefit or harm our relationships. Lack of communication is something that can be remedied, cheating cannot. It's an action that can't be taken back. In fact I think I've been repeating this myself the last few weeks. In my own defence. And getting nowhere.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this situation...But--maybe you're gaining insight and clarity.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds to me like your H needs more of the 180.

 

It's ridiculous that he's angry with you over a situation that he created.

 

So many waywards just want or expect for their betrayed spouse to get over it. Your H goes a step further and tries to punish you for it.

 

As I've been known to say before, the wayward doesn't get to stab you in the back and then complain about how long you bleed on the carpet.

 

My WH did this too.

[Chi townD]

You can never truly reconcile the marriage if there isn't true remorse on his part. If he's still blameshifting everything on you and trying to rug sweep everything, then you don't have a chance at reconciliation.

[BetrayedH]

Just checking in, Weeble. How's it going?

[weeble78]

Just checking in, Weeble. How's it going?

 

 

Hey BH. Good to hear from you It's going, er, well not as hoped really. There seems to have been some effort on WH's part i.e. organising family trips out, talking about summer holiday, coming down to visit my mum with us, getting involved in the house with chores etc again. But he's really snappy and jumps down my throat at the smallest slight or perceived slight which is making it hard going tbh. He has tried to be physically closer and commented on how far away I am on the sofa from him etc, but I really can't bear having him near me at the moment and I think some space is fine for now. He has sorted out some financial issues and asked me to figure out a babysitter so we can go to counselling. He is still determined we need to talk about the state of our relationship as well as the cheating, which is fine, but this is obviously the most important thing. He seems quite down, and I feel like he was taking this as an opportunity to improve things whereas for me we would have to create a whole new relationship and start from scratch.

 

 

I feel like I need a whole tonne of input from him, but he wants the same from me. And I don't feel like I can give anything much at the moment because I don't trust him.

 

 

Finding it difficult to make sense of the dynamic at the moment, and don't understand why he's being so snappy, irritable and down.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Guilt and fear .....he knows right now his life is in your hands and you call the shots. Just like he pulled the rug out from under you....he fears you might do the same.

 

He is trying to plan the future...to show you he intends to be there. He is doing the best he knows how to do. Has he read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair yet?

 

It sounds to me like he might be very open to it.

[BetrayedH]

Hey BH. Good to hear from you It's going, er, well not as hoped really. There seems to have been some effort on WH's part i.e. organising family trips out, talking about summer holiday, coming down to visit my mum with us, getting involved in the house with chores etc again. But he's really snappy and jumps down my throat at the smallest slight or perceived slight which is making it hard going tbh. He has tried to be physically closer and commented on how far away I am on the sofa from him etc, but I really can't bear having him near me at the moment and I think some space is fine for now. He has sorted out some financial issues and asked me to figure out a babysitter so we can go to counselling. He is still determined we need to talk about the state of our relationship as well as the cheating, which is fine, but this is obviously the most important thing. He seems quite down, and I feel like he was taking this as an opportunity to improve things whereas for me we would have to create a whole new relationship and start from scratch.

 

 

I feel like I need a whole tonne of input from him, but he wants the same from me. And I don't feel like I can give anything much at the moment because I don't trust him.

 

 

Finding it difficult to make sense of the dynamic at the moment, and don't understand why he's being so snappy, irritable and down.

 

I don't like disagreeing with Mrs JA very often, and I don't like to sound like a broken record. (You can hear the "But" coming here, right?) But this sounds like more manipulation to me.

 

It sounds to me like he really just wants you to get over it already, and so he's going to pout until you do. He does realize he's not the victim here, right? Does "jumping down your throat" sound like true remorse to you?

 

Where I do agree with Mrs JA, is that he's probably going thru significant frustration that he's not in control anymore (like he was during the affair), and that now all of the power has shifted to you. Narcissists don't much care for that. It's all about them.

 

Anyway, glad to hear that you're "ok" to some extent. You have a good head on your shoulders. Some people here advise a certain period of patience with the affair fog wearing off. I trust that you'll know if/when your patience has expired and act accordingly.

 

Just know you've got some friends around here that are still thinking of you.

[weeble78]

Hello hello.

 

 

thank you for coming back to check. I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. In all truth I feel deflated, down and empty.

 

 

H still hasn't completed the book how to help your spouse heal, although he promises he will. He is trying to be thoughtful around the house, finding films he'd know I'll love to watch, cooking dinner, helping with our dd etc. Which is nice. I guess I feel disappointed. And don't know where things go from here.

 

 

I can't decide whether there is no desire from his point of view to really throw himself into things, or whether he is just here for our dd. That's how I feel things are. There's lots of planning for the future, holidays, moving house etc. After what's happened my heart doesn't feel in it but I'm determined to give it a good go before giving my dd up for 50% of the time. I guess I feel like I've lost direction in my life. I feel like there's not much to keep going for apart from dd.

 

 

Sorry it's not much cheerier! Being honest I guess. Lost my mojo.

[merrmeade]

Sounds like his main interest is damage control. Keep you happy (enough anyway), and he won't be exposed to the world whether because you tell or divorce. What good will learning how to heip his spouse heal do him?

[weeble78]

Sounds like his main interest is damage control. Keep you happy (enough anyway), and he won't be exposed to the world whether because you tell or divorce. What good will learning how to heip his spouse heal do him?

 

 

I think he knows I've stayed because of my dd, that I'm unwilling to leave her and willing to stay in whatever this relationship is for her. He also knows that my life doesn't change whether he's in it or not anymore. All our friends know what he has done, most of my family know what he has done. He has faced it all so far. He has been considerate of my feelings beyond what he would normally do, so I do still have some hope that he is making an effort to reconnect with me and our relationship as opposed to staying just to be with our dd.

 

 

If he continues with this other person or whatever else, if nothing ever changes past this then so be it. It will fail and I can leave saying I tried. My heart will know I tried for my baby, tried to make her family stay together.

 

 

With time maybe things will change, maybe they won't. He's asked a few times if I can arrange a babysitter so we can go to counselling as the only person he knew to babysit was his girlfriend.

 

 

That's as far as things have got really.

 

 

Nothing mind blowing and life changing here, but I also have more important things going on every weekend which involve visiting my mum who lives 2 hours away. I have other priorities going on as well which means my attention isn't really on myself or my relationship much at the moment.

[ShatteredLady]

I just wanted to say "I know how you feel. I'm so sorry". I think I've reached a similar position. We're returning home to England. That's a logistical nightmare! We're going to sell, dump a lifetimes worth of 'stuff'. Stuff that meant so much to me. We're selling my dream house...that's been ruined by nightmares.

 

Even the flight terrifies me with my health & pain.

 

All that matters now is my babies. We need to be home with family & friends. Before d-day I had no idea how completely vulnerable I'd made myself. I gave everything too my H. He has all the power. He can walk out the door & leave us destitute on a whim or OW.

 

It's me that has the health situation (not my Mum). For me it's this reminder of how fragile life is. How fragile everything is. I don't even have control over my body, let alone my life. It's just one step at a time right now....

 

When D-day (the first one!) hit I was already broken & depressed, recovering from surgery. I was completely overwhelmed! Even breathing took more effort than I felt I had. Now things have calmed. I don't know any of the answers but I've figured out the most important question for ME....

 

What life do I want for me & my kids?

 

...I figure "Bodies rest & motion", I just need "motion", change begets change. I don't want this life... I need safety, security, unconditional love so it's HOME to my parents for me. Then????