Can I ask what you loveshackers think?

[dreamingoftigers]

Just got home from visiting my parents - amazing day spending time with mum who has just started losing her hair but prognosis is good! My daughter wobbled around the farm with her new walking and met some sheep, cows, a horsie and dog. She made them laugh which was great.

 

 

So yes I just got home. H came upstairs and said that he's going to contribute more money than he'd originally offered. I nicely asked him to detail it in an agreement and then hand it over and we'd agree on whatever else needs doing. He said maybe separation will do us good, that some time apart might solve things and the lease is only for 6 months? He said that he wanted me to know that the texting happened a few times when we'd had an argument and he felt low, he'd asked it to stop saying he couldn't do it anymore. I asked him what he'd expected to happen afterwards, and he said he'd hoped things would just get better between us and I'd never find out. He asked if I wanted him to stay.

 

 

I said absolutely not. That next time we have an argument am I to expect he'll be texting her again?

 

 

Obviously my heart says yes, but this doesn't feel like enough for me.

 

This also tells me your 180 is working.

 

Keep it up.

 

He is already getting a little shaky on his bravado compared to a few days ago.

 

Raging isn't working, and now he's trying to negotiate.

 

He'll probably flare up again when negotiating and self-pity don't work. (And minimizing) etc etc etc

 

Let him exhaust himself one way or the other.

 

I used to think of myself as a cement wall by the ocean. The waves would crash and hit, but I refused to tumble because I knew I wanted to stay right there. I knew that I wasn't going to settle for anything less then a mutual relationship and if he wasn't going to do it, someone else would. The only caveat for me was that I was too stubborn to be the one to walk. Which I admit wasn't good. I am now okay with walking away.

 

But I wasn't going to settle for addictions, adultery or verbal abuse. Every time he tried to drag me down, even if a screwed-up, and I did screw-up, I got back on the horse. I went back to my 180. So regardless of whether or not my marriage survived until death, I had a tremendous amount of personal growth.

[merrmeade]

This also tells me your 180 is working.

 

Keep it up.

 

He is already getting a little shaky on his bravado compared to a few days ago.

 

Raging isn't working, and now he's trying to negotiate.

 

He'll probably flare up again when negotiating and self-pity don't work. (And minimizing) etc etc etc

 

Let him exhaust himself one way or the other.

 

I used to think of myself as a cement wall by the ocean. The waves would crash and hit, but I refused to tumble because I knew I wanted to stay right there. I knew that I wasn't going to settle for anything less then a mutual relationship and if he wasn't going to do it, someone else would. The only caveat for me was that I was too stubborn to be the one to walk. Which I admit wasn't good. I am now okay with walking away.

 

But I wasn't going to settle for addictions, adultery or verbal abuse. Every time he tried to drag me down, even if a screwed-up, and I did screw-up, I got back on the horse. I went back to my 180. So regardless of whether or not my marriage survived until death, I had a tremendous amount of personal growth.

ExACTly. Love that, dot, jus love it especially the wall

[BetrayedH]

Happy Valentines BH.

 

Back at you, DoT.

[weeble78]

I broke today. I absolutely lost my sh*t at work today and sobbed. I sent H the email from a BT to her WS to explain why they need to know everything, basically he said I made him hugely miserable for years and took everything out of him and he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to feel loved again. I lost it and asked him to tell me when he'd fallen out of love with me and he wouldn't say the words but he said it was nearly a year ago when we'd last had our biggest row yet. He got angry and told me to stop emailing him and I let it all out saying how I'd never stopped loving him and overall he made me happy as he has always made me feel free to be myself. I can barely breathe through crying and just can't get hold of myself. I'm a freaking mess and wasn't expecting this. I just want our life back and our family plans. The house is looking more empty now as some of his stuff is packed. He's been out tonight and I've sat on my own reading a magazine. I'm so demotivated without him. I miss him next to me. Why does it feel like this if it's the right thing? I feel like I cannot control my grief.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

The early days suck. I probably hadn't cried for a decade prior to my Dday. After Dday, it was daily for probably a good six months. But I'd also been with her for 18 years. I'd lost all of my direction in life.

 

All I can tell you is that it gets better. How long it takes will eventually be up to you. I think it's natural to grieve when we had all of our hopes wrapped up into one expected outcome. But I'm here to tell you that despite how bad it looks and feels today, you will again have happy days and look forward to life again. It's a rebuilding process.

 

I encourage you to keep focused on making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Honestly, I'd stay focused on the negative things about him. Let yourself feel that anger and use it as motivation to do what needs to be done to start your second life (that's what I call it anyway). Seriously, the guy is a douche-rocket and you can do better. And given some time, your intelligent brain knows as much. So minimize your undeserved anguish and maximize your forward-thinking. Start planning. Start visualizing where you will take your life. And focus on those actions.

 

It's normal to look back on our lives and analyze them, to learn from them. But you have a hell of a time driving forward with your eyes constantly in the rear view mirror.

 

Eventually, I embraced a feeling of liberation when I accepted the end of my marriage. It was nice to feel that I was rid of that undeserving beoch and I could choose a new direction in life. I enjoyed furnishing a new bachelor pad - even buying groceries without anyone's input. If I wanted an expensive pint of designer ice cream, I just went ahead and bought it. And I could eat the whole damn thing if I wanted.

 

I rebuilt my life and rebuilt my self-esteem. And I knew that I would be ok. The same will happen to you. How long it takes is really up to you. Don't let yourself wallow any more than you should. For me, I eventually decided that that woman wasn't taking another 5 minutes of my life from me. Frankly, it was her loss.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I broke today. I absolutely lost my sh*t at work today and sobbed. I sent H the email from a BT to her WS to explain why they need to know everything, basically he said I made him hugely miserable for years and took everything out of him and he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to feel loved again. I lost it and asked him to tell me when he'd fallen out of love with me and he wouldn't say the words but he said it was nearly a year ago when we'd last had our biggest row yet. He got angry and told me to stop emailing him and I let it all out saying how I'd never stopped loving him and overall he made me happy as he has always made me feel free to be myself. I can barely breathe through crying and just can't get hold of myself. I'm a freaking mess and wasn't expecting this. I just want our life back and our family plans. The house is looking more empty now as some of his stuff is packed. He's been out tonight and I've sat on my own reading a magazine. I'm so demotivated without him. I miss him next to me. Why does it feel like this if it's the right thing? I feel like I cannot control my grief.

 

Sweetheart

 

if i had the power...if i knew all the magic...to fix all of this for you...I would

 

The grief you feel...the devastation...the helplessness is so very real

 

and there is nothing any of us can say or do to take away your pain.

 

Concentrate on you....your family...

 

Get yourself into therapy...build a support system of people you know loves you...family friends...church...neighbors.....whoever that you know you can count on to help you through this

 

Leave him alone....

 

I know you feel desperate...but at this point...he does not deserve you

so you stop letting him have the upper hand....you stop letting him hurt you

 

One of the things cheaters do is take away the power of the betrayed. They take away your choices....so...even though you feel weak...even though you feel sad...take back your power

 

what have you got to lose at this point?

 

Act like you could care less about him......I know it isn't true...you love him...but from now on....you are thinking only about you...you without him...because he no longer deserves you

 

make him crawl to you...and if he doesn't...you truly have lost nothing.

I know at this point you don't feel that way...but it is true.

 

He is the loser...not you

 

Bless your heart.....this will be so hard...but you can do it.

Love yourself.....because you are indeed so lovable

[weeble78]

Hi BH

Thank you so much for your lovely words. It's all I have right now. I feel so many strong emotions. I feel a lot of anger as we've just been through a hard 12 months with our baby and come out the other side. Yet he's halfway out the door and ready to go! I feel actual grief because the person who has been the sunshine in my life (as well as the cloud, but mainly sunshine) just doesn't value me at all, doesn't need me the same way I need him.

I've got divorce papers and left them for him on the kitchen table. I ccan't sleep tonight.

[merrmeade]

I sent H the email from a BT to her WS to explain why they need to know everything, basically he said I made him hugely miserable for years and took everything out of him and he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to feel loved again. I lost it and asked him to tell me when he'd fallen out of love with me and he wouldn't say the words but he said it was nearly a year ago when we'd last had our biggest row yet. He got angry and told me to stop emailing him ...

Later, you're going to hate him for this. Not only did he fail to show remorse, guilt, compassion, he responded with contempt and utter rejection. This is a bad, heartless man. Don't be ashamed of your reaction. You were nuked. He doesn't deserve you and I feel sure you'll agree sooner or later.

[weeble78]

Later, you're going to hate him for this. Not only did he fail to show remorse, guilt, compassion, he responded with contempt and utter rejection. This is a bad, heartless man. Don't be ashamed of your reaction. You were nuked. He doesn't deserve you and I feel sure you'll agree sooner or later.[/QU

Thank you. Part of me already hates him and knows it's gone too far to come back. I know he's a sh*t person. Even if he wanted out he could do it in a kind way and be generous about it. He could show some respect for the last 7 years we've had together, for what we've achieved together.

I do feel upset though that this is a reflection of how miserable he was and he never expressed it. I feel like part of him feels a bit better that he's making me as miserable as he felt, and that in his eyes he's rejecting me as much as he felt I rejected him for the baby and for my mum. Not that that means anything.

[weeble78]

Sweetheart

 

if i had the power...if i knew all the magic...to fix all of this for you...I would

 

The grief you feel...the devastation...the helplessness is so very real

 

and there is nothing any of us can say or do to take away your pain.

 

Concentrate on you....your family...

 

Get yourself into therapy...build a support system of people you know loves you...family friends...church...neighbors.....whoever that you know you can count on to help you through this

 

Leave him alone....

 

I know you feel desperate...but at this point...he does not deserve you

so you stop letting him have the upper hand....you stop letting him hurt you

 

One of the things cheaters do is take away the power of the betrayed. They take away your choices....so...even though you feel weak...even though you feel sad...take back your power

 

what have you got to lose at this point?

 

Act like you could care less about him......I know it isn't true...you love him...but from now on....you are thinking only about you...you without him...because he no longer deserves you

 

make him crawl to you...and if he doesn't...you truly have lost nothing.

I know at this point you don't feel that way...but it is true.

 

He is the loser...not you

 

Bless your heart.....this will be so hard...but you can do it.

Love yourself.....because you are indeed so lovable

 

 

Hi Mrs Adams. Thank you for your consoling words. You make me miss my mum, who I can't talk to about any of this because she is going through chemo, her second round tomorrow. I'd do anything to go back and home and be with my family until he has left.

 

 

I feel like after what he said yesterday, that there is the possibility he wants a break and then thinks he's going to come back afterwards. he keeps saying how maybe a 6 month break will let us appreciate each other again and give us time to reflect on what has happened and fall in love again.

 

 

Obvs I call b*llshyte. There are no breaks in marriage. This isn't some teenage relationship. Once gone and out the door is enough to leave a marriage for me. If you can't stay in it to fix it then it's done. In fact why should I even be saying this when he is the one that cheated.

 

 

Work is a mess. I couldn't concentrate yesterday on anything and kept bursting into tears. I have 3 more weeks of this to get through and yesterday felt like a month.

 

 

He must have hated being with me for months or years, really and truly hated it to be doing this. He's done some bad sh*t over the years but even that's never waivered my love for him and I've kept on being our relationship's cheerleader, pushing us on to better times and happier times. If he's been this miserable for so long I wish he'd have left before we got married and had our daughter.

 

 

How does anyone get through this in one piece? How do you go on the next day when you're sitting up at 4:30am contemplating a wasteland that was once your life.

[weeble78]

When I have time I'd like to sit down and read each of your stories and hear what you've been through.

 

 

BetrayedH, I was just reading a thread of yours asking whether a BS can ever be blamed for the WS affair. Some of those answers put me back on the right track.

 

 

It helps to read and hear other peoples' stories and points of view. It's just the whirlwind of emotions I'm finding difficult to manage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Mrs Adams. Thank you for your consoling words. You make me miss my mum, who I can't talk to about any of this because she is going through chemo, her second round tomorrow. I'd do anything to go back and home and be with my family until he has left.

 

 

I feel like after what he said yesterday, that there is the possibility he wants a break and then thinks he's going to come back afterwards. he keeps saying how maybe a 6 month break will let us appreciate each other again and give us time to reflect on what has happened and fall in love again.

 

 

Obvs I call b*llshyte. There are no breaks in marriage. This isn't some teenage relationship. Once gone and out the door is enough to leave a marriage for me. If you can't stay in it to fix it then it's done. In fact why should I even be saying this when he is the one that cheated.

 

 

Work is a mess. I couldn't concentrate yesterday on anything and kept bursting into tears. I have 3 more weeks of this to get through and yesterday felt like a month.

 

 

He must have hated being with me for months or years, really and truly hated it to be doing this. He's done some bad sh*t over the years but even that's never waivered my love for him and I've kept on being our relationship's cheerleader, pushing us on to better times and happier times. If he's been this miserable for so long I wish he'd have left before we got married and had our daughter.

 

 

How does anyone get through this in one piece? How do you go on the next day when you're sitting up at 4:30am contemplating a wasteland that was once your life.

 

One of the things I asked my husband was...can we separate? You know why? Because I was interested in my AP and feeling guilty...so if we separated...it was ok right?

 

No...this is classic cheating jargon.....he wants to be free to do whatever he wants to do...without guilt.

 

So many things are running through your mind.....sleep is almost impossible.

 

You may need to see your doctor...sometimes the first few months are so difficult...you might need some anxiety medication or anti depressant or sleep aid. It is ok to take them.....it helps to take the edge off a little...and when you are more stable...you can certainly not use them.

 

One step at a time love....one day at a time....surround yourself with support.

[BetrayedH]

When I have time I'd like to sit down and read each of your stories and hear what you've been through.

 

BetrayedH, I was just reading a thread of yours asking whether a BS can ever be blamed for the WS affair. Some of those answers put me back on the right track.

 

It helps to read and hear other peoples' stories and points of view. It's just the whirlwind of emotions I'm finding difficult to manage.

 

Yep. The emotions suck. It can get overwhelming. I had a hell of a time at work, too. We had a lot invested in these people, in every way. It's normal to grieve that loss.

 

But don't let his piss poor decisions become a reflection of you. To what extent you are able, stop internalizing this. Stop making it about you. This is all about him and his inability to act like a respectful adult. It's about his inability to communicate, his selfishness, his lack of integrity.

[weeble78]

One of the things I asked my husband was...can we separate? You know why? Because I was interested in my AP and feeling guilty...so if we separated...it was ok right?

 

No...this is classic cheating jargon.....he wants to be free to do whatever he wants to do...without guilt.

 

So many things are running through your mind.....sleep is almost impossible.

 

You may need to see your doctor...sometimes the first few months are so difficult...you might need some anxiety medication or anti depressant or sleep aid. It is ok to take them.....it helps to take the edge off a little...and when you are more stable...you can certainly not use them.

 

One step at a time love....one day at a time....surround yourself with support.

 

 

Thank you Mrs Adams. I've just got home and he had a 'proposal' for me. He 'offered me the opportunity' of a 6 month trial separation. Just, really. He got very angry and told me all the ways I've made him feel unloved over the last few months (some justified I guess), said I'd put too many obstacles in his way since this whole debacle happened so now it was his turn to do what he wants to. So that's his offer. I said if he walks out of the door then the marriage is over, I don't agree to a separation.

 

 

I am angry he has done this and is going to waste the opportunity for both of us to stay with our little girl 100% of the time and not have to divide her time up. He actually laughed at me saying I was begging him not to go this morning. Ugh. I thought he would try at least something for our daughter like counselling. I thought he would try his hardest before sentencing her to a life of a 50/50 family.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you Mrs Adams. I've just got home and he had a 'proposal' for me. He 'offered me the opportunity' of a 6 month trial separation. Just, really. He got very angry and told me all the ways I've made him feel unloved over the last few months (some justified I guess), said I'd put too many obstacles in his way since this whole debacle happened so now it was his turn to do what he wants to. So that's his offer. I said if he walks out of the door then the marriage is over, I don't agree to a separation.

 

 

I am angry he has done this and is going to waste the opportunity for both of us to stay with our little girl 100% of the time and not have to divide her time up. He actually laughed at me saying I was begging him not to go this morning. Ugh. I thought he would try at least something for our daughter like counselling. I thought he would try his hardest before sentencing her to a life of a 50/50 family.

 

My husbands answer to me after i asked if we could separate....if you walk out this door our marriage is over. There will be no separation.

 

So I stopped talking about it...and proceeded....to go to lunch with the professor. It was the only time I saw the professor alone....and i committed adultery that day.

 

So I am telling you hon...your husband is involved in an affair....and he wants to control you at the same time. He wants to blame shift and put it all on you. I don't care if you have been a terrible wife....he is making the choice to cheat...and THAT is his fault. You do not deserve to be cheated on.

 

I can tell you that from what you have shared....he wants his cake and eat it too. and he TRULY thinks you will allow it. He is not thinking about you...his is not thinking about his daughter....he is all about him.

 

Makes you just want to SLAP HIM SILLY!

 

Here's what I suggest. See a lawyer....find out all of your rights. go home and tell him...I saw a lawyer today. He will be shocked. Now it may make him wake up or it may make him more angry that you have a backbone and will not move your line.

 

None of this will be easy. Get your support system in place...and do not let this man walk all over you. I know you want to keep your family together. But you cannot fix this by yourself. He has to want to fix it as much as you do.

[weeble78]

My husbands answer to me after i asked if we could separate....if you walk out this door our marriage is over. There will be no separation.

 

So I stopped talking about it...and proceeded....to go to lunch with the professor. It was the only time I saw the professor alone....and i committed adultery that day.

 

So I am telling you hon...your husband is involved in an affair....and he wants to control you at the same time. He wants to blame shift and put it all on you. I don't care if you have been a terrible wife....he is making the choice to cheat...and THAT is his fault. You do not deserve to be cheated on.

 

I can tell you that from what you have shared....he wants his cake and eat it too. and he TRULY thinks you will allow it. He is not thinking about you...his is not thinking about his daughter....he is all about him.

 

Makes you just want to SLAP HIM SILLY!

 

Here's what I suggest. See a lawyer....find out all of your rights. go home and tell him...I saw a lawyer today. He will be shocked. Now it may make him wake up or it may make him more angry that you have a backbone and will not move your line.

 

None of this will be easy. Get your support system in place...and do not let this man walk all over you. I know you want to keep your family together. But you cannot fix this by yourself. He has to want to fix it as much as you do.

 

 

When I'm having moments of thinking rationally and not emotionally all I see is that basically he is making the decision to leave the marriage instead of working on it, and he is the one shouting and blaming me for hurting him instead of owning up to what he has done to me. I know logically he is the one pursuing interests outside our marriage. I guess it's just hard when the emotions hit and you think 'if only I'd...'

 

 

Now I told him I'd gone to see asolicitor at the weekend. I also left divorce papers on the kitchen table this morning. I told him if he's leaving the home and marriage then Id like him to sign them before he moves out. He said he doesn't want to sign them and I can't make him. Looks like he's going to be difficult. All I have to do before he leaves is get a separation agreement re finances and our daughter, get is all written down properly and then get it checked by the solicitor.

 

 

Countdown begins.

[weeble78]

Is it really obvious that he's having a thing with this other woman?

[BetrayedH]

Is it really obvious that he's having a thing with this other woman?

 

It's obvious to those of us that have been around for a while. His anger fits in with the pattern. What happens is that they start to perceive you as the obstacle to their affair. They want to have their cake and eat it and you're standing in the way. If he leaves, he'll he free of any obstacles. It'll be easier for him to continue the affair without your probing eyes looking into everything. And if the affair doesn't work out, he just bought some time for himself. Even worse, he's going to consider this separation as a free pass to "date" whomever he likes.

 

These are the actions of someone in an affair, not someone who is trying to figure out how to repair his marriage after being caught in adultery. Blaming you when you're vulnerable to it is just a smokescreen.

 

You did well insisting that there's no separation. I just about cheered out loud when I read it.

 

If anything, I'd consider giving him a counter proposal: full transparency (including a retrieval of those messages), honesty, openness, a cease to any blameshifting, he gets into individual counseling. And in the meantime, you consider if what he is doing is sufficient to merit a pause in the divorce proceedings.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Everything BH said is spot on. You can take what he says to the bank.

 

Your husband....is only interested in protecting himself....not you or your child.

 

Good for you that you went to a lawyer!!! that's a smart woman!

 

Stick to your guns ...do not cave into him or his demands.

[merrmeade]

It's obvious to those of us that have been around for a while. His anger fits in with the pattern. What happens is that they start to perceive you as the obstacle to their affair. They want to have their cake and eat it and you're standing in the way. If he leaves, he'll he free of any obstacles. It'll be easier for him to continue the affair without your probing eyes looking into everything. And if the affair doesn't work out, he just bought some time for himself. Even worse, he's going to consider this separation as a free pass to "date" whomever he likes.

 

These are the actions of someone in an affair, not someone who is trying to figure out how to repair his marriage after being caught in adultery. Blaming you when you're vulnerable to it is just a smokescreen.

 

You did well insisting that there's no separation. I just about cheered out loud when I read it.

 

If anything, I'd consider giving him a counter proposal: full transparency (including a retrieval of those messages), honesty, openness, a cease to any blameshifting, he gets into individual counseling. And in the meantime, you consider if what he is doing is sufficient to merit a pause in the divorce proceedings.

Well, I'm not sure I agree that the anger/blame-shifting behavior is proof that he's in an affair if we're basing this on experience. My experience is that my WH did that behavior AFTER as part of trickle truth. Knowing that he was still keeping information from me, he used this behavior to create a red herring or intimidate me into dropping it. During the affair, he simply acted vacant, changed the subject, minimized or gaslighted.

[BetrayedH]

Well, I'm not sure I agree that the anger/blame-shifting behavior is proof that he's in an affair if we're basing this on experience. My experience is that my WH did that behavior AFTER as part of trickle truth. Knowing that he was still keeping information from me, he used this behavior to create a red herring or intimidate me into dropping it. During the affair, he simply acted vacant, changed the subject, minimized or gaslighted.

 

It's true that there's no proof here and perhaps I overstated that it's obvious that he's still involved in the affair.

 

I think it's likely that he is. And I don't believe the current story that he's selling, at all.

[Miss Clavel]

We are married. For 3 years. Together for 3 years prior.

 

 

It's been a difficult few months - my mum has been diagnosed with cancer and for 2 months it looked like she wasn't going to be treated.

 

 

We have a 1 year old daughter. I started back at work a few months ago working 4 long days to make up full-time.

 

 

H has always said I can sometimes criticise him. Says I sometimes make him feel unappreciated and that I don't love him for who he is, that he misses sex and intimacy (we sleep separately now due to snoring issues which he refuses to try to do anything about). He says he feels nothing he does is good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently this girl had shown him attention and talked about sex, which he felt he was missing, so he went ahead and messaged her several times. He also confided in her about our relationship and said he'd got to the point where he didn't care about cheating on me any more.

 

 

So that's the backstory. Basically I'm devastated mostly for my baby and our family and am trying to decide whether there's any chance of reconciling (he's said sorry but refuses to let me try and retrieve the messages).

 

 

I would be so grateful for some sensible input here please.

 

 

I have already been to see a solicitor, sorted out the finances and made sure myself and my daughter will be secure.

 

 

Thank you

 

okay, im game if you are.

 

start treating your husband better or your family will be broken. your daughter will come from a broken home. she will be at risk without her father to protect her. a child needs two parents.

 

p.s. the next time he calls anyone names at any volume, go after him. let your daughter hear you tell him, "never speak to me that way, in that tone with those words ever again".

 

if you are forced to give an "or else" just tell him you will serve him worms when he least expects it.

 

play it off, but make sure he gets the message.

 

let him know the way to a women's heart, once she becomes a mother is to fold the laundry and drive the car pool. tell him to think of it as foreplay.

 

i used to walk around naked in red high heels to get my husband to drive the carpool. i used to bend over the sink to wash the dishes and let him get up behind me. nothing wrong with a quickie in the middle of the day.

 

with the added bonus that no matter where you lie down, you get some sleep.

 

for real.

[weeble78]

It's obvious to those of us that have been around for a while. His anger fits in with the pattern. What happens is that they start to perceive you as the obstacle to their affair. They want to have their cake and eat it and you're standing in the way. If he leaves, he'll he free of any obstacles. It'll be easier for him to continue the affair without your probing eyes looking into everything. And if the affair doesn't work out, he just bought some time for himself. Even worse, he's going to consider this separation as a free pass to "date" whomever he likes.

 

These are the actions of someone in an affair, not someone who is trying to figure out how to repair his marriage after being caught in adultery. Blaming you when you're vulnerable to it is just a smokescreen.

 

You did well insisting that there's no separation. I just about cheered out loud when I read it.

 

If anything, I'd consider giving him a counter proposal: full transparency (including a retrieval of those messages), honesty, openness, a cease to any blameshifting, he gets into individual counseling. And in the meantime, you consider if what he is doing is sufficient to merit a pause in the divorce proceedings.

 

 

I agree that whether or not he's in an affair, the time he wants for the separation is for pleasing himself with drinking, nights out and his colleague/AP or to see what else is out there. I'm sorry but when you decide to get married you decide to commit to the marriage and forgo any timeouts or anything else to please yourself. You commit to the marriage come what may and you remain faithful.

 

 

I left it that if he leaves he is doing so out of his choice and once he has left there is no coming back. If he walks out the door he has walked away from the marriage. Marriage does not equal flitting in and out when you please, just as marriage does not equal searching out someone else when you feel like you need a bit more attention. I think this shows his lack of commitment and just highlights a flaw in his character that he will never be able to resist pleasing himself to the cost of anybody else.

[weeble78]

It's true that there's no proof here and perhaps I overstated that it's obvious that he's still involved in the affair.

 

I think it's likely that he is. And I don't believe the current story that he's selling, at all.

 

 

My actual gut feeling about this whole thing is I believe he was feeling down and tired of our situation, this colleague has been on his case since the day I was pregnant with unsolicited advice and concern. I think she has wormed her way into his affections because they spend 5 days a week together and her constant attention has turned H's eye. I believe the texting may have been going on a while but the whole confiding in her has been going on for at least a year if not longer. I think there is a lot more to it although I can't judge whether or not anything physical has happened.

 

 

If he was that unhappy with me then he needs to leave regardless, and that's what I've said to him in the past when he's been constantly complaining.

[weeble78]

okay, im game if you are.

 

start treating your husband better or your family will be broken. your daughter will come from a broken home. she will be at risk without her father to protect her. a child needs two parents.

 

p.s. the next time he calls anyone names at any volume, go after him. let your daughter hear you tell him, "never speak to me that way, in that tone with those words ever again".

 

if you are forced to give an "or else" just tell him you will serve him worms when he least expects it.

 

play it off, but make sure he gets the message.

 

let him know the way to a women's heart, once she becomes a mother is to fold the laundry and drive the car pool. tell him to think of it as foreplay.

 

i used to walk around naked in red high heels to get my husband to drive the carpool. i used to bend over the sink to wash the dishes and let him get up behind me. nothing wrong with a quickie in the middle of the day.

 

with the added bonus that no matter where you lie down, you get some sleep.

 

for real.

 

 

I'm not being funny but if my family breaks up it won't be because I haven't tried. I have asked him to stay and go to counselling to work through things and fix them but he refuses and is set on leaving 4th March. In fact asking him to stay goes against what I believe in. I don't believe in accepting cheating and lying. I actually think my daughter would be more at risk by me accepting his cheating and rug sweeping it.

 

 

As for the name calling, there is no going after him. When he does that I tell him to stop and remove myself and my daughter from the vicinity until he calms down. Nothing is enough to make him stop doing it. And actually by staying with him I am again giving my daughter the message that it's ok to be with someone who does that.

 

 

The way to my heart is by being a committed and honest man, who wants to put the needs of his marriage and family before his own needs.