Is this situation a lost cause?

[STR1980]

Hi All,

 

Please excuse the length of this, but I feel the detail needs to be included.

 

Keen to hear what people's views are, as I'm getting conflicting advice from male and female friends. Not sure whether what I'm about to explain is a lost cause, or alternatively worth pursuing...

 

I met this awesome girl online and we hit it off straight away. Same interests, humour, morals etc. Went to chatting on whatsapp within a couple of days and then met her in person about 10 days later. The date couldn't have gone better and it ended in quite a lot of kissing.

 

We spoke virtually every day, and messaged all the time. We planned a second date in London the next weekend, but due to cancelled trains and her being about an hour and a half late, in the end she decided to drive to mine. Great night, which ended up with us sleeping in my bed, although only first base stuff, albeit pretty physical.

 

However, the next three occasions didn't work out well...

 

We were supposed to spend the next Sunday evening together, but she bailed at the very last minute as she was exhausted from the wedding she'd been at. I said fine, but was massively disappointed, as I'd been looking forward to it all week. She was keen to chat and whatsapp that night, but all I wanted to do was close her off to demonstrate that I was pissed off/upset. She then told me the next day that I'd handled it really badly, and that was no way to treat her.

 

The next weekend we decided to meet, but I had a colleague's leaving drinks and then dinner with friends. We eventually met at about 11.30pm, by which time I was pretty merry, and she did comment I was drunk. She came back to mine, but we went straight to bed. We got pretty physical early the next morning, and then without any notice she ordered a cab. We messaged later that day, and she mentioned that she didn't feel comfortable enough with me yet, and that lying in bed kissing and cuddling felt too couple-y. She told me that this didn't mean she wasn't interested, much the opposite, but she just needed a bit of time.

 

Anyhow, we chatted the next week and the air felt clear. Still loads of really friendly and fun phone calls, and lots of emoticons and 'xxx' in her whatsapp messages. However, I (maybe stupidly) did a bit of detective work and saw that she was still logging into the dating site we met through, plus she had done some work on her profile, including new photos. Whether it was just a case of checking new messages, I have no idea. But my guess is, she's keeping her options open, which is fine, as we're not exclusive. Maybe worth noting that I closed my account soon after our first date, which she recognised. I just take the view that if you're seeing someone, why not put 100% focus into that?

 

The last straw was last week when we went to the museum. It's worth mentioning that a couple of days prior, she suggested to come to mine afterwards and stay the night. Still loads of great phone calls and flirty messaging. However, half way through the museum trip, she told me that it was her brother's birthday, which she had forgotten about (this wasn't a lie), and that she felt really bad, but couldn't see me. Again, I was hugely disappointed, as we hadn't seen each other for about 10 days. I closed up with disappointment, which she picked up on, and obviously didn't like the way I handled it at all.

 

No messaging that evening, and very little the next day. I asked her if she wanted to reschedule, and all I got back was "Will let you know". So, I chased her for a phone call that night, and put her on the spot and asked her straight if she wanted to see me again. She asked to be friends and see where it goes, but essentially said that the last few occasions had really made her make her mind up about me. The call ended amicably, and we wished each other the best, and said how awesome we thought each other was.

 

Since then, though, we've been messaging again, just like we had been - throughout the day, late at night, first thing in the morning - and it feels as though there's something there. In the space of two days, the situation literally went from really flirty and loving, and planning to spend the night together, to severing all chances of the relationship developing.

 

I'm really keen to pursue it, as I'm incredibly fond of her, and I have this inkling that deep down she really likes me. However, I don't want to come across as one of those desperado guys who never lets go.

 

Do I take it her mind is now made up and move on, or make it clear how much I miss her, and how she's constantly on my mind?

 

Any advice greatly appreciated...

[Httm]

You really need to work on yourself before you are ready to date.

 

1. Punishing her by not talking when she canceled because of a wedding and being tired is incredibly passive aggressive and immature. Grow up.

 

2. Allowing yourself to get drunk before a date is super immature and inappropriate.

 

3. Ahe saw you at the museum and said she couldnt see you..meaning that night? And you acted super childish and immature again in response. This seems your go to. The petty, childish tantrum. She saw that in you once too much and judged you not relationship material...and she was right.

 

You need to seriously work on yourself. Dating you would be a nightmare.

[Satu]

She's backed off because of your perceived instability, neediness, and drama.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but thats about all there is to it.

[hippychick3]

There are few traits in a person that are worse than passive-aggressiveness. You really need to work on that.

 

Until you are dating someone exclusively, you can't expect them to not be dating others. Your temper tantrums will be a big hindrance to finding a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Those punishing tactics you use are a huge turn-off for us ladies. Quit that.

 

Being disappointed is normal. But your response to punish is immature and attention-seeking, especially given that you hardly know her.

 

Work on that first. Handle your emotions with more stability and maturity. That will make a huge difference in her feelings toward you.

[joseb]

As well as getting turned off by the passive aggressive behaviour, I'd guess that she's frustrated by the fact that you haven't slept with her despite spending the night twice.

[STR1980]

Thanks everyone for your replies - really appreciate it.

 

This reaction trait is definitely something I have to work on, as it's horribly immature and unfair on the other party. If I could go back to both occasions and handle them utterly differently, then I absolutely would. I guess it's just a case of thinking sh*t happens, man up, and get on with it in a pleasant and smiley way.

 

As for the drunken episode, it was unbelievably bad form on my part, and very out of character, too. Hindsight is a wonderful/brutal thing, and looking back I should have put her before the dinner.

 

For what it's worth, your replies have made me fully accept the decision that she's made, and I will move on without making any of these silly mistakes.

 

Thanks again, and goodbye!

[Maggie4]

I guess your original question was, you know you messed up, but she continues talking to you, what does that mean? I would think you haven't completely scared her off, otherwise she'd stop all contact. You can stop initiating, and see what happens. If she initiates, then she's giving you another chance.