I've been single for around 7 years now. Pointers on approaching women?

[health]

Just be friendly and engage with the people you meet in your daily life.

 

That is where everything begins.

 

Thanks. I went to the mall in between a meeting and work yesterday. I felt very socially anxious and didn't see any girl I liked. On my way home I saw a cute girl at the bus stop. I asked her if she knew when it was coming. She smiled and used some very intelligent vocabulary. There was silence then I spoke about the weather. When we got on the bus she sat on a single sit. There were people all around so I let it go.

 

What's been my trend is 1. Seeing a girl I like a lot 2. Not saying anything. 3. Seeing her again not approaching 3. Pining over her 4. Not seeing her on route 5. Beating myself up over her and going through some form of grief/ mini break up in my head because I built it up too much. I need to ask more often.

[health]

Thank you all for your input here. I'm replying to everyone above below.

I'd just like some more input on this question:

What approaches work in starting a relationship? - Based on your own and the experience of people you know - where the relationship lasted for over 2 years and was passionate?

 

Now for my responses.

 

I can really recommend looking up Hayley Quinn on YouTube for approach tips and how to improve your confidence in this stuff; she's fantastic.

 

I will check her videos out, thank you. I saw one and she looks legit.

 

1st grad school guy asked me to dance at a school dance.

 

 

I was introduced to the 2nd guy by a faculty member. We interacted briefly in a professional context through the spring semester. We became friends. When I graduated I moved in with him as roommates while dating the other guy. When that 1st guy & I broke up, my roommate comforted me & we became a couple.

 

 

I went to the high school homecoming game almost 20 years after high school within days of my LTR with the live in guy from grad school having ended. A friend of a friend connected me & the guy. We had known who the other was in high school but had never spoken. A number of people came back to my house after the game. The next day he asked me out.

 

 

I met DH in a bar at a business event. We exchanged business cards. I liked him a lot & thought he was really handsome. I made it a point to send hand written notes to everyone interesting I met at networking events. So I followed that script & sent him one; he was the only one I sent such a note to from that event. I don't remember what I said but it was not strictly business & I think I referenced in the note that I doubted we could do business together. He responded with an e-mail & asked me out for a Monday date a day or two later (meaning it took him a while to ask). I was disappointed by the Monday "date" & second guessed that it was not a date but a business meeting. I actually dressed down (pants vs skirt suit) I had a lot of trouble reading DH at 1st.

 

 

As a general proposition I have always been against friends 1st. You don't need to be friends to get to know somebody. Dating -- the actual event of spending time together in public -- is the getting to know you process which even when their are romantic / lustful feelings should precede the physical interactions.

 

Very interesting. The second relationship sounds more like a rebound - and I'm not into those, but I guess it worked for you temporarily. The other relationships started good for you.

 

Rebounds in general bother me because I left a girl once - I never meant it - I did it out of anger and a whim - but she rebounded 3 days later. It hurt cause I still loved her a lot - but the guy that comforted her moved in a and took advantage of her vulnerability. She called me constantly for the next year. I just kept it no contact and moved on but it was scary. Rebounds they say usually are temporary - unless they are jacked up and a strong core is built underneath them. Then they can last. A lot of times though they start in a time of pain and are used as a Band-Aid.

 

Have a good social circle where you do social things, like parties, dances, charity events, camping, hiking, outings, etc. Go out an meet people, make new friends, find an interest that gets you out of the house.

 

Ya. Quitting alcohol I cut a huge social circle out. I usually spend my weekends working on creative projects at my apartment or go see family.

 

I used to go out every single weekend to bars, clubs, parties, shows - and literally met no one. Well some girls, but they weren't my type. I may try going to specific events - like look at the entertainment newspapers and go on my days off to things that interest me.

 

Not from our blind spots - that's always creepy. You turn around and bam they're just there.

 

lol That's how I actually ended up dating my 5 year relationship ex. She was in my area and I approached her from behind - she said she thought it was someone about to attack her - and had her fist clenched, but when she saw it was me she was relieved - that's when we sat down and started hanging out way more. That was the catalytic moment. lol

 

I never meant to approach her like that, and wouldn't do that intentionally but it's funny that in this case it worked!

 

 

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

 

This list can be extended to infinity.

 

Well said. I'll be more friendly.

 

Smackie is right on. You have to get out there and be around people. The more active, more people you know, the greater the chance of meeting someone or being introduced to someone.

 

Very true. I'm going to decide to go out more often. A lot of times I go out alone - and then at events I just hang out alone with a glass of something - listening to music... so I feel weird approaching people.

 

The best chance of long term relationship success is with someone you have a social connection with - through friends, family, because similar background is very important.

Next choice is someone you approach but preferably at certainly locations where you share interest (bookstore, sports team, etc.).

 

My tip is if you're going to approach a woman who's a total stranger, do it as soon as you notice her. Don't build it up, and most importantly, don't look at her for 10 minutes and then talk to her. Women have good peripheral vision, we know when someone is looking. Looking is fine at a social gathering, not so good at a public place.

If has happened to me many times I feel a guy staring at me, I casually glance to see if it's a weirdo (I live in the city), I catch glimpse of a tense face. I get creeped out and besides, staring is rude (not sure if he realizes he is doing it). Then after uneasy feeling has built up on my side, the guy approaches me and of course by then he is not well received.

 

I suggest you approach immediately without too much thinking. Don't stalk. Should be more like swatting a fly.

 

Wow! Very well said. I was going to ask what girls think of guys just staring. I don't do that, but probably have. It's because I think too much, get anxious and then just freeze lol I can totally see how girls think that's creepy - but I bet why a lot of guys do that is because they get very scared. I've heard of instances where the girl actually likes the guy as well - and WANTS to be approached - but the guy doesn't.

 

Common/shared interest is a powerful attractor.

 

If you are passionate about the same thing, you'll have a natural affinity and something to talk about.

 

That seems to be the trend here. I'm going to go out and go to more bookshops I guess. There has been times I went to concerts - struck up conversations with girls....later to ask for their numbers...to get rejected or they have boyfriends. It's tricky. I've seen a lot of girls on public transit - busses, subways ones liked - but always felt it to be way to awkward to start talking to them there.

 

Men are threatened by a direct approach. Women are threatened by an approach from behind. Useful tidbit to keep in mind.

 

Interesting.

 

First off, I would advise that you learn body language. Ever heard the term 'women's intuition'? Women are more perceptive because they seem to have an innate understanding of body language and covert communication. Learning to understand body language will help you immensely with your approach and on dates. But, look for a book, or video that deals with body language with regards to meeting women specifically, because it's a broad and interesting subject. Women will often give you signals to approach them, if you can read the body language. Once you learn it, you'll start to notice when women are checking you out, and you'll realise that you can approach women absolutely anywhere.

 

Typically, I approach with a compliment. Straight away I'm signaling my attraction and being direct. But nothing too over the top: you don't want to be saying "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" Just tell her that you noticed her and think she looks nice/cute, or mention something that took your interest, like her style or her demeanor. After this, if she's being receptive, the big danger is that you start asking gay hairdresser questions and kill the flirty vibe such as: 'what do you do for work?', or 'where do you come from?'. Instead you want to put a good energy into the exchange by bantering with her, making her laugh, and messing with her. Treat her like you would your bratty sister; don't be afraid to make fun of her (but in a nice way!). Whilst doing this you add in the odd normal friendly question as stated earlier and start being more real with her. But always be aware of the friend-zone; it's always lurking in a girl's mind. It's better to get rejected for being too much of a jerk, when you start out, than to be rejected for being too 'nice'.

 

There are a few different ways of approaching women: there is online, social circle, the street, and nightlife (bars, pubs, clubs, and parties). Figure out which would best suit your lifestyle. Make women fit your lifestyle rather than changing your lifestyle to fit women. You sound like the sort of guy who would be great husband material, so online dating should be really easy for you - as opposed to nightclubs, because you don't drink or sound like the partying type.

 

Whichever you choose, always make an effort to approach women in real life. It teaches you good skills.

 

Sadly, I can't help you too much with online dating, because I only use Tinder. But there is lot's of great advice on here for the more reputable dating sites.

 

Thank you. You made a lot of interesting points and gave excellent advice. I really like the idea of approaching a girl in real life vs. online because I just feel it's so genuine. It takes courage - and in my experience - it works!

Another thing is - In real life - I get to see how a woman walks/moves and talks - all of that I feel are great indicators of character. Things I pick up on that I can't by online pictures and text. Thanks again!

 

Well first off - well done on trying to improve yourself, when you do meet someone it will all be worth it!!

 

I am a confident person but have never been able to approach people - must be the fear of rejection.

 

I can honestly say that I think Tinder is the way forward, its very superficial - but allows you to connect with people without the initial rejection. I have met some great people on there and not all of them are looking for a hookup.

 

Best wishes

 

Thank you. I may try tinder. I have no idea how it works. All I keep hearing about is "Swipe left" I've also heard bad things about it. I will look into it though.

 

My rule of thumb. If you can see someone's aunt asking them a question, then you shouldn't say it. Doesn't matter if its a date or just a new acquaintance.

People like to talk about what they love, not what they do. Family, hobbies, music, aspirations... if you're going to ask someone a question when getting to know them, ask them about what they wish people would ask them about. The usual stale "what do you do" stuff is the worst.

 

SO what question would I ask? Ask them about what music they like? Sometimes I find that too can be one of those usual questions.

 

Case in point: there's an attractive girl at my new job, and the other guys kiss her arse (they ain't getting any; she has a boyfriend, and these guys at work are too lame). She was talking to a guy about cars. She said she drives a Vauxhall Corsa; so I said "Vauxhall Corsa? That's a boy-racers car!" (with a big smile). She seemed a bit surprised, but then smiled and said "but it's pink..." (not pink but some weird shade that I can't remember). So I laughed and said "Oh, that's alright then, cause pink makes everything girly!".

 

Since, she has started going out of her way, making conversation with me - despite us working in different areas. The other day, she was talking to a guy on the stairs, and, when I walked past, she ditched the poor guy to catch up with me.

 

The point is that women want banter. They want fun. Flirt with people, even if it's a pensioner. The OP needs to practice. I said to the older woman (she must be 60 odd years) at the front desk today who was complaining about being hot and flustered: 'Yeah, I have that effect on women". She cracked up.

 

It's about bringing value to people. If you're giving women a good interaction, then there's no need to be anxious about approaching, because you're bringing fun to people's boring day.

 

If you look at it like you're only approaching to get laid, then you're looking to take a woman's value. So you will get anxious - as if you're doing something wrong. But, if you're giving her value, you can feel good about approaching.

 

Look at the approach itself as the fun, and not a means to an end.

 

Very, very well put! Sometimes I feel bad/guilty about approaching a girl even though my intention isn't only to sleep with her. I never went out with girls just to sleep with them. I love what you said about bringing up fun and value in a persons day. This is the whole giving vs taking approach. That way when I give I have nothing to lose anyway. They say we always experience love when we give it anyway. Very excellent advice you gave, thanks again!

 

Following Satu's advice to be friendly and engaging to all around you, I would suggest you extend your social group and get involved in sports/hobbies etc where you can meet people. And don't forget to smile.

 

I'm a woman and back in my dating days, I didn't respond well to cold approaches. But if I got chatting with a guy through a social activity...or introduced by a friend, I'd be far more open to it.

 

Very good. I will try to get out more. Sometimes I have opportunities to talk to women - but I rush right past them! Like I think I've had women wait for me to approach them and I just walked or briskly walked past them. A lady at work told me I do this sometimes. I have to be in the moment more.

 

This ^^

 

I was at the gym and was hot and puffing after being on the treadmill. A guy who's a regular came up to me and said something about him having that effect on a girl. We laughed and introduced ourselves and now greet each other regularly.

 

That's awesome! One of those great moments. Again something you can't find online - but in the real world. I love things like that!

 

Health,

First of all kudos to you for doing work on yourself, qualifying and having meaningful employment!

 

Now, I presume from your age you want to attract more "mature" women, so you need to go where they go.

 

Here's where some of my female friends met their second husbands;

 

Scottish Dancing classes

 

The supermarket

 

At a bus stop

 

At the gym

 

In the library (she was the librarian)

 

Mature women have life experience and like interesting men, so make sure you have some good conversation and opinions (not too radical) and are up to speed with current events, local issues etc.

 

As long as you don't have too stringent and unrealistic requirements for females you should do fine.

 

(An engineer male friend of mine was single for 15 years after one LTR. He was in his 40's , 5'7" tall, bald as a coot, and vegan. He's now been married for 3 years to a lovely petite teacher who was single- it took him a bit longer because he had specific requirements.)

 

There's someone for everyone out there - good luck!

 

Awesome! Also thanks so much for letting me know about those "places" to meet women. There have been times I was beside some girls I adored at the bus stop but never spoke to them. I will next time.

 

Thank you again to everyone who contributed to this thread! Your insights were very, very helpful!