Devastated

[oceans1223]

I've never been the kind of person to look back. Now that I do, I realize I have I have been an extraordinarily privileged person. At the age of 22 I had the power to turn my life into an extraordinary adventure. I used aviation as the perfect tool to propel this adventure. Flying enabled me to see and do things I never thought possible, with shocking ease. No obstacle seemed too big. At the age of 23 I secured the ability to, at the drop of simple desire, explore foreign cities and beaches. I once went to Hong Kong for dinner, Australia to lie on the beach, Paris because it was easier than Dubai, Italy, because, why not? I live a life of constant movement around the country and world. Going along with the territory, I've met, slept with and dated men from all over the world. I did so under a callous and frivolous attitude, divesting emotion and walking away without second though. Disposable pleasures. None had the power to stop my forward momentum. Always on to bigger and better; the next city, the next job. Life is easy. Life is fun. Emotional pain existed in the form of mild boredom and impatience. I'll never forget the day all of that changed. He ended it in a phone call. A boy 1,000 miles away, ended a short and turbulent relationship we shared. I didn't know pain and shock over the past could exist in this magnitude. It brought me to the lowest low I didn't even know existed. Pulled the high flying airline pilot right out of the sky; right into a bulked, gear crushing, tire popping landing. I did not know time spent with an individual had the power to change how you view time, energy, life. The problem arose from the fact that I did not understand love; I had no idea what kind of fire I was playing with. I don't pretend to now. All I do know is that the memory of time spent near this individual lives in me in a way that never has with anyone else. The experience had the power to change an unremarkable city and a cockroach filled apartment into the center of my universe. I've never been happier. The experience has me looking to the past for the first time in my life. Looking back, missing, longing in a way that continues to debilitate my progress into the future. The present hurts without him. The future feels heavy and uncertain for the first time. I certain now that I fell in love with him. For the first time, a boy, who I viewed as nothing more than a option for now, snuck his way inside the impenetrable fortress I had unknowingly built and touched my emotions. He gained the power to break heart so hard that I wanted to kill myself while it happened. For the first time, I ran back to the past and tried to fix it. I did everything in my power to correct the situation. To turn back time. I wondered around Colorado for weeks homeless; calling, texting, pleading, begging for him for any chance to revive the past. I felt as though I was chasing a ghost. The experience was terrifying and emotionally devastating. Finally, I hit my breaking point and I woke up. I realized the error. I realized what I knew all along. Life isn't meant to be lived in reverse. What's dead is dead. What's in the past is gone now. Although letting go continues to be the most difficult challenge I have encountered in my life, I have to trust the timing and direction of life. For someone with as much control and power to build, this continues to be a struggle, but needs to be done.