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Should I meet with my ex-best friend with benefits for lunch to "catch up"?

OceanWavesNightSky

By OceanWavesNightSky
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OceanWavesNightSky New Member

OceanWavesNightSky

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I met a girl last year when I was 21 and she was 18. We had a really strong connection like I've never felt before, and she quickly became my best friend. We eventually started hooking up.

 

We did many datish things, but we weren't official. She was adamant that she didn't want a boyfriend. We eventually got so close that I ultimately said I have feelings for you and I want to be more than just best friends with benefits because her hooking up with other guys was hurting me. She said I was special to her in a way she hadn't felt before, but her feeling weren't romantic... We kept hooking up though and we got closer still.

 

Eventually talking on the phone every night for hours with this girl that I was falling so hard for and all the physical stuff we were doing was too much for me to emotionally handle. It was too hard to see the girl I cared about so much see me as just a best friend she hooks up with.

 

I eventually distanced myself to the point where we basically stopped talking. We've been no contact for several months now. I lost my best friend, but for my sanity I had to do this. It was so painful everytime she hooked up with other guys, because I was only hooking up with her as she was the only girl I wanted to be with.

 

A week ago she texted me and said she wants to "get lunch and catch up". I told her I'd let her know when I'm free so the ball is in my court. I can't ever see this girl as just a friend though, and truthfully I'm not entirely over her.

 

Why does she want to meet me for lunch? What does "catch up" actually mean when we share all this history. Part of me really wants to see her, but I know I can't catch up with her like I would with a childhood friend.

 

I guess I come here for advice and just general thoughts.. Thanks!

Edited by OceanWavesNightSky
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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She probably wants to pick up where you left off. If you can't handle that, you should just tell her and be done with it.

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yxalitis Established Member

yxalitis

Posted
Posted
I met a girl last year when I was 21 and she was 18. We had a really strong connection like I've never felt before, and she quickly became my best friend. We eventually started hooking up.

 

We did many datish things, but we weren't official. She was adamant that she didn't want a boyfriend. We eventually got so close that I ultimately said I have feelings for you and I want to be more than just best friends with benefits because her hooking up with other guys was hurting me. She said I was special to her in a way she hadn't felt before, but her feeling weren't romantic... We kept hooking up though and we got closer still.

 

Eventually talking on the phone every night for hours with this girl that I was falling so hard for and all the physical stuff we were doing was too much for me to emotionally handle. It was too hard to see the girl I cared about so much see me as just a best friend she hooks up with.

 

I eventually distanced myself to the point where we basically stopped talking. We've been no contact for several months now. I lost my best friend, but for my sanity I had to do this. It was so painful everytime she hooked up with other guys, because I was only hooking up with her as she was the only girl I wanted to be with.

 

A week ago she texted me and said she wants to "get lunch and catch up". I told her I'd let her know when I'm free so the ball is in my court. I can't ever see this girl as just a friend though, and truthfully I'm not entirely over her.

 

Why does she want to meet me for lunch? What does "catch up" actually mean when we share all this history. Part of me really wants to see her, but I know I can't catch up with her like I would with a childhood friend.

 

I guess I come here for advice and just general thoughts.. Thanks!

 

How the hell can we know what she's thinking?

Go to the lunch, and, get this..ASK HER!

joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted

Don't talk for hours on the phone to a friend with benefits. That's sounds like a friend with liabilities.

 

Unless she has changed her mind and now wants a proper relationship, I wouldn't advise starting up where you left off. Sounds like it's not for you.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
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She probably wants to pick up where you left off. If you can't handle that, you should just tell her and be done with it.

 

I agree. She wants more of the SAME. The same situation. Since you don't want that and want more, the best thing to do is hold out on seeing her, she will UP HER OFFER if that is at all a possibility in her mind and she figures out it is the only way to have you as part of her life. If you go straight away, you are practically signing up for exactly the same thing.

 

You want to know what she wants and is really capable of and want it to be what you want, then hold out for what you want. She will drop it and leave you alone eventually if she never intends on giving it to you. OR she will start considering you under the terms you want if that is only way you will engage with her. She sounds like one of her problems could be that she is indecisive. The only way you will push her to a REAL answer is to start holding out for what you want--then either way your actions will force her to decide. Good luck.

contel3 Established Member

contel3

Posted
Posted

My guess is she used you as some kind of armchair psychologist/crutch/ego boost.

 

She probably felt beautiful and valued around you (something that usually isn't the case when you have a one night stand). When she reaches out you have to keep in mind she probably doesn't miss you for the right reasons. This girl is not your friend, you have to remember that. Friends don't use you as an ego boost and they don't play with your feelings. She is thinking only about herself and you have to do the same.

 

Don't get lunch with her. You obviously have no desire to be friends so whats the point?

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Don't get lunch with her. You obviously have no desire to be friends so whats the point?

 

The point is he hopes things will change and she'll be ready to fall in love w/him. But that seems unlikely. :-/

iphone_user1 Established Member

iphone_user1

Posted
Posted

Been in your shoes. First of all you must completely get over your feelings for her, which can take many months. Once you are pretty sure you won't fall for her o at least that you can now have control of your feelings for her, then go on and be a FWB. Knowing that that's pretty much what she wants at most. Trust me, you don't wanna be back up plan or an ego booster. But since you just wanna have fun, it doesn't really matter, so f*ck the shyt out of her and do not get attached again. If you are falling for her again, run away inmediately.

 

I told you I'd been there, that's what I did and could control my feelings for her. We barely talk nowadays, but the second time we went into the FWB thing, I was able to handle my feelings a lot better. Just make sure you can do that. If not, stay away from her as soon as possible.

Northwestern1011 Member

Northwestern1011

Posted
Posted

I vote no. I've been on both sides of this before. You're just going to end up hurt if you attempt continue a friendship where there are feelings she blatantly doesn't care about. You sound like a really great guy and it makes me sad you've been treated this way. Tell her no about lunch, stating you still have feelings. That way if something has greatly changed, she can tell you in text, and otherwise you've saved yourself the heartache.

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