nutcracker Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 So last year, I met this guy on a dating site and we started to talking. We had a lot in common, he was very interesting and we quickly graduated to talking on the phone. Within a week, he said he wanted to meet me, (we lived in different cities) and I somehow suggested we meet that weekend, and went to visit him. Now before I continue, let me tell you I've never dated, much less been in a relationship. I'm very conservative when it comes to meeting people, but I somehow really liked him, and I surprised myself with deciding to meet him on an impulse. He had most qualities I thought I wanted in a guy. So the day we met we initially were a little awkward, but later on, we spent the night together at his place and got intimate. We did not have sex as I said I was not ready, but were quite physical that day and the next. He was very flirtatious but also tender. We continued to talk after that, and he would flirt a lot, then all of a sudden, about 1-2 weeks (I think) after we met, he says that I am more than a friend to him but not his girlfriend. Although I was struck initially, I realized it hadn't even been a month since we met and it was too soon to expect anything. Perhaps the first red flag I saw was he would talk about his ex a lot, even on our first date. As a dating noob, even I know that's a no-no. I could tell he hadn't gotten over her. And soon I started to realize that he really didn't want anything with me. All this was almost 7 months ago. He calls very frequently, he says he is "comfortable" with me and borrowed a rather huge sum of money once (which I got him to return), but I'm not stupid. I know he's not into me. I just can't get over him, and I have terribly low self esteem so I have a feeling it's just me. What do you say?
Zahara Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 If contact causes you discomfort, why are you engaging with him? What does he add to your life aside from a few phone calls that comfort him? And don't ever lend money to people you don't know.
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Sounds like he is the first guy you consider as a relationship, yet he has come up short in what a relationship should be. You can't get over him because you had expectations he would be better than he has and would treat you better than he is capable of. The fact that he is still calling is the problem. You need to tell him that since he can't give you want you want/need, you need him to stop calling. Every time you hear from him, it re-opens a wound inside you that is best sealed up. Go No Contact and you will start to feel better about yourself and dating others.
lilmissjava Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Ouch. You are being a doormat. Please block and ignore. That is the only way you will "get over him".
Jabron1 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 We all know how you feel. You need to go no-contact. Look it up, if you're unfamiliar. Do not entertain the idea of getting him back. Never go back to someone that has dumped you - ever.
Author nutcracker Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 I agree with everyone here to some extent. I guess he wants to stay friends, and I want to be mature and stay friends with him too, because he is a great guy. My friend told me that by getting physical with him on the first date, I kind of let him have very early what he would have probably gotten after a lot of dates. In essence, that I was being easy, and because of that, all the attraction got dissolved? Could that be true?
basil67 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I agree with everyone here to some extent. I guess he wants to stay friends, and I want to be mature and stay friends with him too, because he is a great guy. My friend told me that by getting physical with him on the first date, I kind of let him have very early what he would have probably gotten after a lot of dates. In essence, that I was being easy, and because of that, all the attraction got dissolved? Could that be true? I've always found that if a guy REALLY likes a girl and he gets some intimacy with her (be it sex or fooling around) it's the icing on the cake. But some guys apparently aren't like this. So anything is possible. 1
Jabron1 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 My friend told me that by getting physical with him on the first date, I kind of let him have very early what he would have probably gotten after a lot of dates. In essence, that I was being easy, and because of that, all the attraction got dissolved? Could that be true? Nope. My attraction for a woman diminishes if I don't sleep with her. The reason he split is because he just wasn't that into you. Your friend thinks that holding out on sex will solve everything, but the outcome would probably have been the same - he would have done an offski regardless. Making him wait would not have suddenly made him want to marry you. I guess he wants to stay friends, and I want to be mature and stay friends with him too, because he is a great guy. Staying friends is the exact opposite of no-contact. You have been freindzoned (look it up). He might be keeping you around as an option, or to use you (borrowing money certainly bolsters this point). It has nothing to do with maturity. It's about being able to move on - something which you are here telling us that you can't do.
Author nutcracker Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 I know.. I've been friendzoned. It hurts. My feelings for him are rather confused too, as some of his actions and behavior (in general, not with me) can be rather immature. I remember I had once gone out with a friend and returned home to find fifteen missed calls from him, and I could tell he had been calling constantly, but there was no reason behind it. With this and a lot of other reasons, I believed he might not be as good as I was shaping him up to be, but I can't help but feel a pang every time I think of him. I have been trying to talk to other guys to forget him, but I keep comparing them with him. Uggh. I never thought I would be this way.
Zahara Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) I agree with everyone here to some extent. I guess he wants to stay friends, and I want to be mature and stay friends with him too, because he is a great guy. You're not being mature. You're open to contact because you're hoping for things to change. That's the reason you can't get over him. Be honest. And if this "maturity" comes at the expense of you feeling miserable, then it is counter productive. It isn't worth it. I'm sure you can foster friendships with great people around you that nurture your life and not keep you stuck in a rut for 7 months. Instead of being mature, be smart. No contact is the only way you're going to break your attachment and end your turmoil. Don't waste another 7 months on a dead end. My friend told me that by getting physical with him on the first date, I kind of let him have very early what he would have probably gotten after a lot of dates. In essence, that I was being easy, and because of that, all the attraction got dissolved? Could that be true? Nope. I have a friend who had sex with her boyfriend on their first date. They've been together for 2 years now. I have a friend who slept with her boyfriend after 3 months of dating and they're still together. This guy wasn't into you. Edited February 11, 2016 by Zahara 1
Maggie4 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 A lot of guys who are hurting from a breakup, head for the dating sites, because that's the place to pick up a new girl almost instantaneously. He can immediately get contact with a girl, get a date for the weekend, and feel better about himself. These guys will sell you just enough to have you be available to him, when what he really wants, is to stop hurting alone, over the ex that dumped him. You being so new at this means you are really vulnerable to these situations. Now just don't tell me that you're gonna find another guy to distract you so you can get over this guy. That's how this disease spreads. 1
Buddhist Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) I agree with everyone here to some extent. I guess he wants to stay friends, and I want to be mature and stay friends with him too, because he is a great guy. My friend told me that by getting physical with him on the first date, I kind of let him have very early what he would have probably gotten after a lot of dates. In essence, that I was being easy, and because of that, all the attraction got dissolved? Could that be true? Honey you need to understand staying friends with someone who treats you has rejected you is not the mature thing to do. It's the clingy thing to do which prevents you from moving on and finding someone better. All your friendship will ever do is reignite your feelings for him over and over and he will reject you over and over. The mature thing to do would be to see him through a realistic lens and realise that it's a hurtful situation that is no good for you. Edited February 11, 2016 by Buddhist 2
Saracena Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Nope. My attraction for a woman diminishes if I don't sleep with her. . Interesting. Can you explain why this is?
Emilia Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Interesting. Can you explain why this is? Isn't that the same for everyone? I lose interest in men who don't make a move quickly enough. 2
Saracena Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Isn't that the same for everyone? I lose interest in men who don't make a move quickly enough. Make a move yes but then again I've never had to wait that long. But it doesn't mean I automatically lose interests/attraction if I'm not actually having sex with them.
Author nutcracker Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 I get your point, but I'm not staying friends because I want to cling onto him. I have enough self respect to hang onto someone when I know they don't want me, but it just doesn't change the fact that I do think about him every now and then. I'm staying friends because I don't want it to be all or nothing with him, as in I either have a relationship with him or I don't want him in my life. He is someone whose company I have enjoyed and who I get to share some of my interests with. Also, if I stop talking to him, I don't want him to get the impression that I can't face him or deal with him because of our past. I felt that taking his calls and talking to him as casually as he is with me would give him the idea I've moved on. Especially since I don't call him that much myself.
Zahara Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) I get your point, but I'm not staying friends because I want to cling onto him. I have enough self respect to hang onto someone when I know they don't want me, but it just doesn't change the fact that I do think about him every now and then. I'm staying friends because I don't want it to be all or nothing with him, as in I either have a relationship with him or I don't want him in my life. He is someone whose company I have enjoyed and who I get to share some of my interests with. Also, if I stop talking to him, I don't want him to get the impression that I can't face him or deal with him because of our past. I felt that taking his calls and talking to him as casually as he is with me would give him the idea I've moved on. Especially since I don't call him that much myself. The thing is, your story has been written on LS countless times with countless excuses. People find poor justifications even if it's at the expense of their sanity. People stay in these types of situations for one reason only -- fear of letting go. If you feel that your emotional and mental health comes second to prioritizing someone in your life that pops in every now and then with a few phone calls, then no one can help you. You should want people in your life that sustain and nurture you on a deeper level rather than someone that adds to your life on a superficial level -- as in "sharing interests" over the phone. Is that the company you enjoy? That little bit is what keeps you hanging on and feeling hurt? You should value and desire much more for your life. Go out and meet people. Engage in activities you love. Volunteer your time. Attend meetups. Many other positive ways to meet people, share interests, enjoy company and possibly create new connections. And stop worrying about what he will think of you if you stop talking to him. You don't need his validation. Love yourself enough to care about what's best for you regardless of what he thinks. You feel this way because you want to stay cool, stay friends and maybe something may happen. Keep the door open. Maybe he'll change his mind. That's all it is. You can make as many excuses as you want and with that you accept that you will stay affected and unable to get over him. Another 7 months? It's a choice. Edited February 12, 2016 by Zahara 1
Zahara Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I have terribly low self esteem And this situation only adds to your already poor sense of self.
BC1980 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I get your point, but I'm not staying friends because I want to cling onto him. I have enough self respect to hang onto someone when I know they don't want me, but it just doesn't change the fact that I do think about him every now and then. I'm staying friends because I don't want it to be all or nothing with him, as in I either have a relationship with him or I don't want him in my life. He is someone whose company I have enjoyed and who I get to share some of my interests with. Also, if I stop talking to him, I don't want him to get the impression that I can't face him or deal with him because of our past. I felt that taking his calls and talking to him as casually as he is with me would give him the idea I've moved on. Especially since I don't call him that much myself. Sharing interests and enjoying his company are not valid reasons to stay in contact. All of us could say that we had mutual interests with our exes and that we enjoyed their company. That's nothing special. The problem is that it does need to be all or nothing. I understand why you don't want it to be all or nothing because I had similar feelings after my last breakup. The problem is that you aren't getting "all." You are getting little crumbs that keep you hanging on. One day, he will find someone else, and you will be much more hurt than you are now. He will stop giving you breadcrumbs at that point. Something else I want to ask is WHY you care enough to give him the impression you have moved on. I think you should really ask yourself why that matters. The answer is likely because you think that is a better image for winning him back. The problem is that he doesn't want you back, so your projected image is irrelevant to him and comes at the price of your well being.
Author nutcracker Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 You know what, I am starting to completely agree with you. No, I wasn't talking to him with a flicker of hope that he would want to get back with me, but just as a friend, but I'm starting to see even that isn't worth it. He gives out a lot of mixed signals. On one hand he flirts with me, suggests that he will fly to the west coast to meet me (back then he was living on the east coast) and other such stuff. On the other hand, he asks me to set him up with a girl in my friends' list. He keeps bringing up the same thing. Now I'm not aware of a code that dictates behavior in such situations, but if I were in his place, I would not have asked someone I dated to set me up so soon. He talks about his ex a lot, even how they had sex. (This on our first date). He even once pointed out that I flirt with him too much and I could tell he was just using it as an ego boost for himself because I was not flirting with him. Not even remotely. In fact, over the months I knew him, most of these things turned me off so much I kind of saw why his ex broke up with him. I don't know why I ventured back into that territory of liking him again. I guess I'm just stupid. Thanks everyone on this thread for opening my eyes up. I really needed the wake up call.
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