AnnaGem Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Hi Everyone, New here to the forums and been in the dating world for about a year- off and on. I met this guy about 10 or 11 days ago. We hit it off and he asked me out for drinks and we picked a day and exchanged numbers. The 5 days between our date, he texted me every single day. I was a little thrown off with the excessive texting, but they were nice little banters and I tried to not think too much about it. This past Thursday was our date: It went well and we agreed to see each other again. My schedule was crazy, so we had to settle on a 2nd date 10 days after our first date. I told him my schedule wasn’t usually this hectic, but between me having my kids every other weekend and some school and social commitments, it is what it is. He was fine about it. He texted me that night saying he loved spending time with me. Then Friday morning, he started texting me all day long. I told him that I don’t always have my phone on me when I have my kids because I like to be present with them and he said he understood (he has a daughter himself). However, whenever I’d go to my phone, I’d see like 4 or 5 texts from him. Ranging from all sorts of “just checking in” to “we should travel to this place” or “we should sign up for these workshops” etc. It was a little overwhelming. This was basically all weekend. Then after fielding all these text conversations, he asks if we could have a phone date Monday night. I was a little annoyed thinking “seriously, how much more can we talk?!” but I felt like maybe it would diffuse the constant texting. So I agreed to a phone date for Monday night. That being established, Monday morning came and he proceeds to text me All.Day.Long. I tried fielding them “I’m doing ABC, but looking forward to our chat later!” to no avail.. it was always something.. a favorite song he wanted me to hear, a quote he wanted to share, etc. So Monday night comes and he calls me. Within minutes he starts asking me intense questions, “what makes you uncomfortable?” “tell me a secret you’ve told no one else” and I totally froze. He then called me out for being so nervous and flustered and I ended up telling him that the conversation was making me uncomfortable and that I needed to regroup. He asked point blank “well am I going to hear from you again?” and I got flustered and said I’m not sure. We got off the phone and the next morning I sent him a text and told him it was all too intense- the constant texting/ communication/ and “interrogations”. That it was hard for me to open up to new people and this felt like a lot of pressure and I didn’t think this was going to work. His response: “ My apologies for trying to get to know a women I connected with. My bad. I was wrong.. because we’re all not hurting, rite? You’re the ONLY one taking a risk. SMH” Oy Vey. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't communicate my desire to take things slow, but I wasn't expecting to have that conversation after just one date. So my question is, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to field off guys who, once they get my number, text ALL THE TIME and want to know everything and anything about me before our second or even first date. Is this seriously the dating norm? I’m of the mindset that getting to know someone happens on the actual dates, not through a stream of constant text exchanges. I thought texting is for confirming times and maybe the sporadic check in. At least for a while until we get to know each other. But I’m finding people have different expectations? Is this something I should start communicating to people off the bat? “here’s my number but don’t text me unless it’s about logistics”? How should I communicate my texting boundaries in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a bitch?
hasaquestion Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Hi Everyone, New here to the forums and been in the dating world for about a year- off and on. I met this guy about 10 or 11 days ago. We hit it off and he asked me out for drinks and we picked a day and exchanged numbers. The 5 days between our date, he texted me every single day. I was a little thrown off with the excessive texting, but they were nice little banters and I tried to not think too much about it. This past Thursday was our date: It went well and we agreed to see each other again. My schedule was crazy, so we had to settle on a 2nd date 10 days after our first date. I told him my schedule wasn’t usually this hectic, but between me having my kids every other weekend and some school and social commitments, it is what it is. He was fine about it. He texted me that night saying he loved spending time with me. Then Friday morning, he started texting me all day long. I told him that I don’t always have my phone on me when I have my kids because I like to be present with them and he said he understood (he has a daughter himself). However, whenever I’d go to my phone, I’d see like 4 or 5 texts from him. Ranging from all sorts of “just checking in” to “we should travel to this place” or “we should sign up for these workshops” etc. It was a little overwhelming. This was basically all weekend. Then after fielding all these text conversations, he asks if we could have a phone date Monday night. I was a little annoyed thinking “seriously, how much more can we talk?!” but I felt like maybe it would diffuse the constant texting. So I agreed to a phone date for Monday night. That being established, Monday morning came and he proceeds to text me All.Day.Long. I tried fielding them “I’m doing ABC, but looking forward to our chat later!” to no avail.. it was always something.. a favorite song he wanted me to hear, a quote he wanted to share, etc. So Monday night comes and he calls me. Within minutes he starts asking me intense questions, “what makes you uncomfortable?” “tell me a secret you’ve told no one else” and I totally froze. He then called me out for being so nervous and flustered and I ended up telling him that the conversation was making me uncomfortable and that I needed to regroup. He asked point blank “well am I going to hear from you again?” and I got flustered and said I’m not sure. We got off the phone and the next morning I sent him a text and told him it was all too intense- the constant texting/ communication/ and “interrogations”. That it was hard for me to open up to new people and this felt like a lot of pressure and I didn’t think this was going to work. His response: “ My apologies for trying to get to know a women I connected with. My bad. I was wrong.. because we’re all not hurting, rite? You’re the ONLY one taking a risk. SMH” Oy Vey. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't communicate my desire to take things slow, but I wasn't expecting to have that conversation after just one date. So my question is, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to field off guys who, once they get my number, text ALL THE TIME and want to know everything and anything about me before our second or even first date. Is this seriously the dating norm? I’m of the mindset that getting to know someone happens on the actual dates, not through a stream of constant text exchanges. I thought texting is for confirming times and maybe the sporadic check in. At least for a while until we get to know each other. But I’m finding people have different expectations? Is this something I should start communicating to people off the bat? “here’s my number but don’t text me unless it’s about logistics”? How should I communicate my texting boundaries in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a bitch? Just tell him your busy during the day and can't really text. Then don't text back a lot. If he's secure he'll get the idea. I like your style. Save it for making plans and check ins. He sounds like a douchnozzle. If he's that passive aggressive over something like this it'll get worse. The mistake you made was using the term interrogation, if you actually did. That's a very hostile phrase. You could have handled that better.
VeveCakes Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Too much, too soon. Not all guys are like that though. I wouldn't even bother with a second date after those last few texts. 1
Author AnnaGem Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 Thanks- no I didn't use the term "interrogation"-Yes, those are fighting words, I totally hear you. LOL I said something along the lines that I felt put on the spot and admitted to being flustered because opening up to people is hard for me. Especially if I don't know them very well. I agree his response was eye opening. Glad I dodged that.
Author AnnaGem Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 I feel like telling people I'm busy doesn't always help when it comes to the types of messages I'm getting. I just don't want to return to my phone and see 4 or 5 text messages with all these meaty questions, but I don't want to be rude and just ignore them. I need to say something along the lines that addresses that I'd prefer to get to know someone face to face. The worst thing is going on a date and already having all your questions answered due to a series of non-intimate text message exchanges..
dispatch3d Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 A simple text of something like "Can we save this conversation for the date? I don't want to spoiler all the good conversation" would probably work? 2
WhirlwindGuy Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I text a lot, because that is what I am used to with my friends. I don't ever expect immediate answers, but I may send a few text / questions every so often of things I am thinking about, stuff I want to eventually talk about etc. I made it clear to my girlfriend, who is a doctor and typically very busy and booked for a day, don't feel like you need to respond to anything immediately (unless it is an emergency, and chances are I would have called you anyway). These are just things to talk about throughout the day, things I am thinking about, etc. We can talk about them now, later, tonight, tomorrow, next week...doesn't matter. I don't really see it as that big of a deal. I guess I treat it more of a running blog between myself and my SO. I'm not sure I get that into it after a date or two, but after a while, its pretty common to just chat back and forth every few hours throughout the day when we can respond to each other. If you're too busy, don't respond...If it bothers you that much, he is probably not the one for you. I, personally, don't understand how it would bother you that much, but we are all different.
Author AnnaGem Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 Thanks.. Once I know someone, I'll text freely like the next person. I keep running conversations with my friends and family often so I get that. I just don't get how you can go from being total strangers to texting all day long play by plays of thoughts and schedules every single day from the day you exchange numbers up until the first date. I'm "tied" to a person via texting without every actually really knowing them. Yet this is what seems to happen often. I admit that sometimes I struggle with softening my message, hence the reason I asked for tips on how to be direct without being so direct. I think to, that I guess I'll eventually meet someone who has a similar perspective and that will make it easier to go beyond the first or second date. Thanks for your thoughts/opinions.
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Hi Everyone, New here to the forums and been in the dating world for about a year- off and on. I met this guy about 10 or 11 days ago. We hit it off and he asked me out for drinks and we picked a day and exchanged numbers. The 5 days between our date, he texted me every single day. I was a little thrown off with the excessive texting, but they were nice little banters and I tried to not think too much about it. This past Thursday was our date: It went well and we agreed to see each other again. My schedule was crazy, so we had to settle on a 2nd date 10 days after our first date. I told him my schedule wasn’t usually this hectic, but between me having my kids every other weekend and some school and social commitments, it is what it is. He was fine about it. He texted me that night saying he loved spending time with me. Then Friday morning, he started texting me all day long. I told him that I don’t always have my phone on me when I have my kids because I like to be present with them and he said he understood (he has a daughter himself). However, whenever I’d go to my phone, I’d see like 4 or 5 texts from him. Ranging from all sorts of “just checking in” to “we should travel to this place” or “we should sign up for these workshops” etc. It was a little overwhelming. This was basically all weekend. Then after fielding all these text conversations, he asks if we could have a phone date Monday night. I was a little annoyed thinking “seriously, how much more can we talk?!” but I felt like maybe it would diffuse the constant texting. So I agreed to a phone date for Monday night. That being established, Monday morning came and he proceeds to text me All.Day.Long. I tried fielding them “I’m doing ABC, but looking forward to our chat later!” to no avail.. it was always something.. a favorite song he wanted me to hear, a quote he wanted to share, etc. So Monday night comes and he calls me. Within minutes he starts asking me intense questions, “what makes you uncomfortable?” “tell me a secret you’ve told no one else” and I totally froze. He then called me out for being so nervous and flustered and I ended up telling him that the conversation was making me uncomfortable and that I needed to regroup. He asked point blank “well am I going to hear from you again?” and I got flustered and said I’m not sure. We got off the phone and the next morning I sent him a text and told him it was all too intense- the constant texting/ communication/ and “interrogations”. That it was hard for me to open up to new people and this felt like a lot of pressure and I didn’t think this was going to work. His response: “ My apologies for trying to get to know a women I connected with. My bad. I was wrong.. because we’re all not hurting, rite? You’re the ONLY one taking a risk. SMH” Oy Vey. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't communicate my desire to take things slow, but I wasn't expecting to have that conversation after just one date. So my question is, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to field off guys who, once they get my number, text ALL THE TIME and want to know everything and anything about me before our second or even first date. Is this seriously the dating norm? I’m of the mindset that getting to know someone happens on the actual dates, not through a stream of constant text exchanges. I thought texting is for confirming times and maybe the sporadic check in. At least for a while until we get to know each other. But I’m finding people have different expectations? Is this something I should start communicating to people off the bat? “here’s my number but don’t text me unless it’s about logistics”? How should I communicate my texting boundaries in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a bitch? This guy is a stage 5 clinger That being said, all you can do is say something like "I enjoyed our date and while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I am not much for texting except for short informational purposes. I'd like it better if we kept the texting to a minimum and talk on the phone between dates". I am also against texting as a way to develop a possible relationship. It's impersonal, lacks feeling/intonation and texture and carries the potential for misunderstanding and misinterpretation. It's not for having full conversations. Save the texts for short, sweet nothings if anything. If communicating boundaries makes him feel as though you are a bitch, he's someone who doesn't appreciate people who make their boundaries known. In other words, that's his problem, not yours 1
Erik30 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 No it's not the norm, he's being way too needy. I would say he's inexperienced, but since he already has a kid it's probably just the way he is. I hate it myself, but some people like to text and call all day long. And I don't know what kind of guy wants a "phone date" after you already met irl.
Author AnnaGem Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 No it's not the norm, he's being way too needy. I would say he's inexperienced, but since he already has a kid it's probably just the way he is. I hate it myself, but some people like to text and call all day long. And I don't know what kind of guy wants a "phone date" after you already met irl. Yeah, I think it's the way he is.. He's 37, so yeah.... I'm glad I ended this before our day long 2nd date that he was planning..
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