start8957 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Been dating someone for a month. First several dates were really fun. We got pretty comfortable with each other to the point where he comes over to my house and hang out. We'll watch TV, cuddle, have a beer. Before we got in this comfortable stage he told me that he's not seeing anyone. But now I know that he is in fact talking to other people. Which is fine, we've only been dating for a while. But his intamicy level changed as well, which I really enjoyed in the beginning. So now that's less, he's talking to other people, it seems to be getting more casual instead of the opposite. We haven't had sex yet. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about sleeping with him at this point either. Now he does text me, makes plans with me, doesn't pressure me into sex. It's just that intamitly wise, the relationship has changed. Maybe it's because he's talking to other people, we haven't slept together yet so maybe he thinks I'm not interested, or he was just trying really hard in the beginning. Do I keep dating him casually to see what will happen, or just break it off completely since this seems to be getting more casual at this point. I'm new to dating, I have no idea how guys think when it comes to this kinda stuff. I'll just live with my cat forever
lilmissjava Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 You both need to be on the same page regarding your status. Kudos to you for not giving him the benefit of your casual relationship. If you are wanting to take things further and be in a relationship with him, you should talk with him about what it is he wants. If it's casual that's fine, just communicate your boundaries. If something casual isn't what you want, and he does, you should find someone that wants the same thing. It's better to know now than in the future where much more confusion will undoubtedly be more painful to bear. Good luck!
Author start8957 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 Problem is that I'm not sure what I want. If things were the way they were when we first started dating, I would love to keep going and see where it would lead. But the fact that he started talking to other people, and became less intimate, makes me think that he's no longer interested like he was before. But I think it's too early to ask where we stand.
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Been dating someone for a month. First several dates were really fun. We got pretty comfortable with each other to the point where he comes over to my house and hang out. We'll watch TV, cuddle, have a beer. Before we got in this comfortable stage he told me that he's not seeing anyone. But now I know that he is in fact talking to other people. Which is fine, we've only been dating for a while. But his intamicy level changed as well, which I really enjoyed in the beginning. So now that's less, he's talking to other people, it seems to be getting more casual instead of the opposite. We haven't had sex yet. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about sleeping with him at this point either. Now he does text me, makes plans with me, doesn't pressure me into sex. It's just that intamitly wise, the relationship has changed. Maybe it's because he's talking to other people, we haven't slept together yet so maybe he thinks I'm not interested, or he was just trying really hard in the beginning. Do I keep dating him casually to see what will happen, or just break it off completely since this seems to be getting more casual at this point. I'm new to dating, I have no idea how guys think when it comes to this kinda stuff. I'll just live with my cat forever Did you ever have a conversation with him about what you each are looking for for yourselves out of your dating journeys? It's a good idea to find out if you two are on the same page in terms of goals to start with. If he's just wanting to casually date and not looking for a long-term committed relationship, then you should probably move on now anyway. If he's says he's looking for a relationship, you still have to continue to observe whether he dates you that way. This guy kinda seems like he's been dating you that way by not pushing for intimacy early and keeping good communication at least, but really it's only been a month and as long as you have not been intimate, you both should be dating other people until you get to that point anyway. Given the fact that you've noticed a shift but don't have clarity yet, go ahead and date him. But do have a conversation about goals. You don't want to go down the road with him for a long time only to find out he never wanted the same thing you wanted anyway. And, you wouldn't be talking about having that with each other at this point, just overall goals. Make sure you're both on that page first and then continue the evaluation process. One more thing, just because he hasn't pushed for intimacy, might just mean that he's being patient. Even if you have that conversation and he says he's looking for a relationship and you get to the point of intimacy, you should think of it as a one-night stand unless and until he shows you otherwise by contacting you again shortly thereafter and maintaining things. He might just be a patient guy until he gets what he wants.
salparadise Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 There is no right/wrong answer; only the decision that's right for you. If you're not interested in dating a guy who is multi-dating/sleeping with other women, then cut him loose. If you're ok with casual dating in the beginning and are still interested in him even if he's dating others at the same time, then continue as you are. Personally, I don't like multi-dating and I would not continue with a woman who is seeing other men. If an exclusive, committed relationship is your goal, this one seems to be going in the opposite direction. I take it that you two never had the conversation about what you're looking for?
Author start8957 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 He told me he's definitely a relationship type guy. Maybe he's just not interested in a relationship with me, which is completely okay! But if that's the case, there's really no point for me to date him long term casually if there's no possible future. But once again, I think it's too early to ask. Maybe he doesn't know yet, just like I don't know. If things stay the way they are, how long should I keep seeing him before asking him where we stand or calling it quits?
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 He told me he's definitely a relationship type guy. Maybe he's just not interested in a relationship with me, which is completely okay! But if that's the case, there's really no point for me to date him long term casually if there's no possible future. But once again, I think it's too early to ask. Maybe he doesn't know yet, just like I don't know. If things stay the way they are, how long should I keep seeing him before asking him where we stand or calling it quits? As long as you can tolerate the situation. That being said, you're right, it's too soon right now. A couple of months would be better. Just sit back, relax and observe whether he keeps in good touch, keeps scheduling dates with you, etc. Just let things unfold as they will. Be receptive and responsive, don't initiate too much right now because he seems to have fallen off a little, so don't try to pull him back. That may actually push him away more. I wouldn't get into the habit of spending time at each other's house either. Make sure he's making dates to go out too. A month is too soon to be "hanging out" at home a lot. That just makes it "too comfortable" and makes it so he feels like he doesn't have to "work" at it anymore. If he's seeing other people, he may seem a little distracted, but he's hopefully evaluating his options until he "settles" on one. That's not a bad thing really. You want him to make an educated decision and be sure -- not wondering, did I make the right choice, maybe that other girl would have been better. If he's seeing others and makes that decision for you, great. If he gets to the point of wanting intimacy and you're comfortable with it and if he doesn't mention exclusivity at least, you should address it yourself.
Mrin Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 OP's story in food: So there is this bistro I found that I've been going to. It is very nice and quiet. The wait staff is very attentive. It has a nice atmosphere - not too stuffy but not too slouchy if you know what I mean. The food there is pretty good. I've had their french onion soup on a cold day and it was to die for. I had their pan seared duck confit with a side of roasted beets that practically melted in my mouth. But what i really want is a big giant bowl of Bouillabaisse. You know, a big bowl that is like a seafood jamboree of yummy goodness. I see they have it on the menu. And the waiter said he gets a lot of compliments on it. But I just think maybe it is just too much work for them so I don't ask for it. I mean, they have other customers and such to feed right? I don't know, maybe I should just stop going there all together....
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 The intensity should increase not decrease....time to call it quits and meet someone else.
Author start8957 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 OP's story in food: So there is this bistro I found that I've been going to. It is very nice and quiet. The wait staff is very attentive. It has a nice atmosphere - not too stuffy but not too slouchy if you know what I mean. The food there is pretty good. I've had their french onion soup on a cold day and it was to die for. I had their pan seared duck confit with a side of roasted beets that practically melted in my mouth. But what i really want is a big giant bowl of Bouillabaisse. You know, a big bowl that is like a seafood jamboree of yummy goodness. I see they have it on the menu. And the waiter said he gets a lot of compliments on it. But I just think maybe it is just too much work for them so I don't ask for it. I mean, they have other customers and such to feed right? I don't know, maybe I should just stop going there all together.... I love this!! If only I didn't get attached to food as emotionally as I do to people I think what got me was that I saw him talking to other people. Thing is that he told me several weeks ago that he would like me to initiate seeing each other first so he knows I'm into him, instead of only him. So I started to do that. That along with him not seeing anyone else made me feel like he's very interested. Now that he's talking to other people confused me a bit. I just have to approach this more casually and just go with the flow. I'm putting way too much thought into this. Any advice on how to do that and not take things to heart when he's seeing other people or take this too seriously?
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) I love this!! If only I didn't get attached to food as emotionally as I do to people I think what got me was that I saw him talking to other people. Thing is that he told me several weeks ago that he would like me to initiate seeing each other first so he knows I'm into him, instead of only him. So I started to do that. That along with him not seeing anyone else made me feel like he's very interested. Now that he's talking to other people confused me a bit. I just have to approach this more casually and just go with the flow. I'm putting way too much thought into this. Any advice on how to do that and not take things to heart when he's seeing other people or take this too seriously? Don't think of him seeing other people PERIOD. He can and should be doing that and so should you. They are not in "competition" with you or vice versa. That implies that you have some control over whether or not he decides to be with you. And, that should actually be a relief. There isn't anything you have to do or should do beyond being yourself and letting him evaluate whether that is going to work for him. Because the reality is that if it's not working right for him, it's not going to work right for you either. I have analogy about dating that I think applies to men and women: Dating is like buying a pair of shoes. You go to the store, you see a pair you like. You try them on and walk around for a bit. They feel fine at the time so you take them home. You wear them for a while and start to realize that your toes hurt and stop wearing them. You still like the shoes, they just don't fit you well. That's not the fault of the shoes Edited February 10, 2016 by Redhead14 1
Author start8957 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 You're absolutely correct. I think I will start seeing or talking to other people, atleast keeping my options open. I stopped because he said he wasn't seeing anyone but me anymore. This way I don't get too into it and can enjoy his company, and then see what happens. Loving the shoe and food analogies btw. Thank you everyone!! This has really helped.
Redhead14 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 You're absolutely correct. I think I will start seeing or talking to other people, atleast keeping my options open. I stopped because he said he wasn't seeing anyone but me anymore. This way I don't get too into it and can enjoy his company, and then see what happens. Loving the shoe and food analogies btw. Thank you everyone!! This has really helped. Those kinds of analogies "depersonalize" the situation . . . stings less He said he wasn't seeing anyone but that doesn't mean he's declaring exclusivity . . . he just might not have had any other options at that moment . . .
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