Renae Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I have read a few of your post about this and I am really interested in reading more. I think I am with this type of guy and want to know how you spot one.
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I have read a few of your post about this and I am really interested in reading more. I think I am with this type of guy and want to know how you spot one. They do pretty much everything that makes a woman feel like he's more invested than he really is. They are great guys, they do care about the woman, but they don't want a committed relationship. They may want exclusivity/boyfriend/girlfriend but that's all they want -- no marriage and not even living together. If you don't want to marry anyone, then it's not really a problem, unless they are emotionally unavailable. That's tougher to deal with. They are not necessarily or always emotionally unavailable. The ones who are also emotionally unavailable will do all the "usual" signs of being in a relationship, but the woman always feels kinda at arm's length. They aren't very demonstrative, don't really like PDA. She's just not feeling a very deep connection from him. She's aware of it if she is tuned into herself. Lots of women, though, might feel very connected herself, but she's usually just seeing what she wants to see. They take you to family events or do similar things and usually the woman views it as a sign of advancing the relationship to a "higher level' working toward commitment, but in the guy's mind, he's just bringing his date to the event. These guys just don't want to be alone all the time and they know they need to do things to keep a woman's interest, so they make it all look good. But, if you push them, they will be honest and tell you and usually say things in the beginning that says they aren't looking for commitment like being married, and the woman will say to herself, well, he sure doesn't act like it and tell herself to give it more time til he "comes around". A girlfriend is fine, but that's it. The ones that are emotionally available will make her feel great all the way around but they still don't want to be married or live together. These guys are pretty upfront. They will say things if questioned like "I don't know what I want", "I'm not sure I want a relationship" among other things, yet, they won't let go easily if the woman decides to move on either. They want someone in their lives but on some level most of them know they can't maintain the kind of relationship the woman wants so he tries to "warn" her. And, if it fails -- he told her so. They aren't trying to be evil or sneaky or anything like that, they just don't want a commitment. Bottomline, if a guy is making you feel good, doing all the right things, while saying things like I highlighted above, believe what he says. Don't wait for him to change his mind for you, it's not likely to happen. Sure, there's a very slim possibility, but I wouldn't hang my hat on a slim possibility if I were looking for marriage for myself. Some of them can do this for years or as long as the woman can hold out herself. There isn't anything wrong with that if both parties are on that page. But, if the guy also doesn't appear to be "all in" on an emotional level, it's really hard for the woman to stick it out. He's giving it all he's got probably, but it's usually not enough for a woman unless she turns a blind eye to her own needs in a relationship. 1
carhill Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 You are a woman and he loves women. The individual, although generally well-treated, is unremarkable. Like flowers to the bee, all are interchangeable. He'll enjoy your company and be good company until it's time to go, then it's on to the next one. Usually, such men have a long history of such behavioral style and are quite practiced at it. They are attractive to women and women enjoy their company and vice-versa. They'll answer relationship questions in general terms and generally won't offer up interaction relative to the relationship unless approached and then only specific responses to specific questions. There won't be any deep 'you and me babe' conversations, which aligns with their more general loving of women as a gender rather than an individual. I've seen signs of this in myself since getting divorced and that's part of the reason I voluntarily quit dating, as it goes against my boundaries of behavior and personal relationship style. All men are different in that regard. A quality casual guy can be a great guy to be with if one has a compatible personality and relationship style.
Jabron1 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 The ones that are emotionally available will make her feel great all the way around but they still don't want to be married or live together. I think that I fall under this category. A quality casual guy shouldn't cause you any trouble. There should be absolutely no jealousy/neediness. He should just let you live your life, and you should let him live his. You probably won't be able to control a guy like this - so you'll have to accept that. There should be total honesty; he should tell you that he's not the marriage type. An emotionally-available casual guy does enjoy making a deep emotional connection with a woman; they are normally just very strong minded, independent people. If you're the sort that gets stressed when a man doesn't reply to a message within 10 minutes, this sort of guy ain't for you. they won't let go easily if the woman decides to move on either Disagree with this part. My attitude is that a woman can do what she likes. Women I've been seeing casually have found a marriage prospect and decided to chase it. I understand that every relationship is time limited (hell, life is time limited), and I always try to end things on good terms. Most casual men know that it's stupid to burn bridges. Sometimes they come back; sometimes they don't.
Redhead14 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I think that I fall under this category. A quality casual guy shouldn't cause you any trouble. There should be absolutely no jealousy/neediness. He should just let you live your life, and you should let him live his. You probably won't be able to control a guy like this - so you'll have to accept that. There should be total honesty; he should tell you that he's not the marriage type. An emotionally-available casual guy does enjoy making a deep emotional connection with a woman; they are normally just very strong minded, independent people. If you're the sort that gets stressed when a man doesn't reply to a message within 10 minutes, this sort of guy ain't for you. Disagree with this part. My attitude is that a woman can do what she likes. Women I've been seeing casually have found a marriage prospect and decided to chase it. I understand that every relationship is time limited (hell, life is time limited), and I always try to end things on good terms. Most casual men know that it's stupid to burn bridges. Sometimes they come back; sometimes they don't. That's a great attitude. However, sometimes the emotionally unavailable types of guys really want to keep what they have on their terms and do sometimes make it difficult for her to leave. Because he plays on her emotions and she keeps sticking it out even though she's not completely fulfilled. They may not be too emotionally involved with the woman, but they can be very emotional, weepy. The woman sees vulnerability which is endearing and she stays with him. I just mean't that they are hard to break away from.
Jabron1 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) That's a great attitude. However, sometimes the emotionally unavailable types of guys really want to keep what they have on their terms and do sometimes make it difficult for her to leave. Because he plays on her emotions and she keeps sticking it out even though she's not completely fulfilled. They may not be too emotionally involved with the woman, but they can be very emotional, weepy. The woman sees vulnerability which is endearing and she stays with him. I just mean't that they are hard to break away from. I thought your post provided real insight, especially from a woman's perspective. You clearly have life experience and a discerning eye. Regarding the emotionally unavailable, I would advise that anyone stay away, unless they are very experienced and know what they are getting into. I have went out with a few emotionally unavailable women - one in particular was really bad, a BPD girl. Emotionally unavailable people are usually broken people. They see others as their possessions, merely tools to use and dispose of. I agree with you that EU types have a problem with letting go of what they see as their toys. BPD people especially have real problems with attachment/abandonment. The decent casual daters fall on the emotionally-available side of the fence. Edited February 11, 2016 by Jabron1
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