Dating an emotionally unavailable guy.. To walk or wait?

February 10, 2016

I've read plenty of articles on dating an emotionally unavailable guy and I probably already know what I should do but I'd prefer input on my situation, specifically.

I have been dating a mr EU for over 5 months. He started off very strong and things were hot and went fast for the first couple months until he pulled back and told me that he was not ready for a relationship. I was ok with waiting things out because we have amazing chemistry, chemistry I've never felt before, and we have a lot of fun and he's really good at communicating for the first time.

In the past 2 years, his mom died, he got out of the military and he found out his girlfriend of 3 years was cheating on him so I kind of understand what he is dealing with.

Anyway, he always tells me how much he likes me, we have gone on vacations together, we both make distant plans, he loves my son and my son adores him, he does things for me all the time, he's referred to me as his girlfriend before and we talk everyday. Also, he lives by my beach house, 90 miles away, so we only see eachother on the weekends, which is fine with me.

On our most recent mini vacation, I brought up the relationship thing and once again he told me he wasn't ready and I was a little too emotional and upset and kind of pushed him away and told him how I felt for about almost 2 weeks this went on. Until I started to start focusing on myself. During that whole time he still tried to talk to me and told me he missed me etc.

This is the only guy that I've ever felt like I could fully trust and I've never really had any anxiety with him so I decided to stick it out for a couple more months. My thing is, I have a son who has grown attached to him and this is kind of a long distance relationship that takes up a lot of time and energy and although, I thoroughly enjoy every minute we are together, I'm not sure if I'm putting too much hope and faith into him committing to me. I am pretty good with going with the flow and laid back, but it is kind of a kill to my ego and makes me feel a little insecure that he won't make a commitment to the relationship.

Side notes- I've met his family, his friends, we are only intimate with eachother and I know and trust that he has no interest in talking to other people.

Words of advice?

February 10, 2016

Words of advice?

One.

Walk.

While this is all going on you are not available to men who would want a proper relationship with you.

What will happen is one day he will "end" this thing with you and you will find out a month later that he is engaged to someone else and your heart will be broken.

Don't wait that long. Do not waste those years.

Walk.

February 10, 2016

I hope you have good friends and family surrounding you because it's a matter of time before he moves on with his life.

You are a distraction to him for the time being, companionship, a place to go, a woman to have sex with, a balm on his wounds. Once he's over what ever happened he will move on to a new woman. These men rarely remain with their rebound girl once they are free to love.

You are poring your time and love, your child's time and love, in a barrel with no bottom.

February 10, 2016

I've read plenty of articles on dating an emotionally unavailable guy and I probably already know what I should do but I'd prefer input on my situation, specifically.

I have been dating a mr EU for over 5 months. He started off very strong and things were hot and went fast for the first couple months until he pulled back and told me that he was not ready for a relationship. I was ok with waiting things out because we have amazing chemistry, chemistry I've never felt before, and we have a lot of fun and he's really good at communicating for the first time.

In the past 2 years, his mom died, he got out of the military and he found out his girlfriend of 3 years was cheating on him so I kind of understand what he is dealing with.

Anyway, he always tells me how much he likes me, we have gone on vacations together, we both make distant plans, he loves my son and my son adores him, he does things for me all the time, he's referred to me as his girlfriend before and we talk everyday. Also, he lives by my beach house, 90 miles away, so we only see eachother on the weekends, which is fine with me.

On our most recent mini vacation, I brought up the relationship thing and once again he told me he wasn't ready and I was a little too emotional and upset and kind of pushed him away and told him how I felt for about almost 2 weeks this went on. Until I started to start focusing on myself. During that whole time he still tried to talk to me and told me he missed me etc.

This is the only guy that I've ever felt like I could fully trust and I've never really had any anxiety with him so I decided to stick it out for a couple more months. My thing is, I have a son who has grown attached to him and this is kind of a long distance relationship that takes up a lot of time and energy and although, I thoroughly enjoy every minute we are together, I'm not sure if I'm putting too much hope and faith into him committing to me. I am pretty good with going with the flow and laid back, but it is kind of a kill to my ego and makes me feel a little insecure that he won't make a commitment to the relationship.

Side notes- I've met his family, his friends, we are only intimate with eachother and I know and trust that he has no interest in talking to other people.

Words of advice?

Well, for sure, if you are wanting marriage or even living together, he's not going to be the one.

I've met his family, his friends, we are only intimate with eachother and I know and trust that he has no interest in talking to other people. -- On the surface, these are often signs of someone who is thinking more long-term at least. But, I think you are dating what I call A Quality Casual Guy. He says and does everything that resembles a real boyfriend, but its superficial for him. I would say that technically you are his girlfriend and that's all it would be. He could do that forever.

So, if you want to be married to someone, you'll have to move on to someone else for that.

February 10, 2016

If a man tells you repeatedly he doesn't want a RS, you need to believe him. Think of your son who needs emotionally strong & stable men. He needs a role model or else he Will make a role model out of the men nearest to him. As for you ... You're wasting your time & you're not getting any younger. Don't leave, RUN. Firm closely all doors until he comes & politely asks you to be a part of his life. How convenient, seduces you and then brings out the old "i don't think i'm ready for a RS". How old is he, 16? How about you, how old are you to fall for such obvious schèmes... ? It's not your fault for his réaction. You are a good, decent woman. Now do what any decent woman would do and say "no, thank you" to your current arrangement. Sorry, OP, really sorry... Cut him loose asap !

February 10, 2016

You walk....no you run away as fast as you can. We desire most what we can't have....this is what gets us all tangled up in our emotions, and keep convincing ourselves he will change his mind......eventually. The worse position to put yourself in.

February 10, 2016

He is very adept at planting the hook in your cheek--meeting his family, taking you on vacations, bonding with your son, etc., but when it comes to him committing emotionally, your line goes slack and it's you trying to swim towards him to reel you out.

How much more of your youth are you going to squander behind someone who is so not done with processing his baggage from his past upsets? Do you have 5 years to waste on him? In the meantime, men who are available have to wait for him to move out of the way.

I'd end it. It's going nowhere.

February 10, 2016

The relationship you have is the relationship you have today.

If you like it today, you'll probably like it tomorrow.

If you don't like it today, you probably won't like it tomorrow.

How much do you like it today?

February 10, 2016

This is one of the pitfalls of introducing a child too early on. They get attached quickly.

As a guy, I'm a bit confused as to where the "emotionally unavailable" part is?

At only 5 months of dating, it seems a bit early to be completely vested in someone. Especially when you mainly only get weekends together. I also don't understand that even though you two are exclusive that its not a relationship?

February 11, 2016

He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Believe him. You are ready for a relationship so you and he are at different places. You're taking a huge chance waiting until he's "ready" if he ever is. Be prepared to be hurt if things don't work out.

February 11, 2016

My words of advice are this.....

A relationship is two people investing in something mutual. He keeps telling you he doesn't want that. Maybe you should believe him? You can't 'positive expectation' him into a relationship. When one person is hanging in there trying to make a relationship work, the only relationship they have is the one with themselves. Go work on that.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Buddhist

February 14, 2016

Please RUN!

Don't even walk! RUN!!! And don't look back cause trust me that dude would come back and dump your ass in a few days, weeks or months down the line

Trust and believe when he says he CANT commit! Stop looking at the fairytale. He won't make you his boo so RUN!

You'll thank us later

February 14, 2016

I've also just dated me EU.

I know we pass around terms like this so easily like in a pop culture kind of way, but I guess what it really means is that they are in a mental headspace to look at you a certain way. Like the outcome is decided before you begin.

Falling in love is, I think, a lot of things all at once. Part of it is that amazing physical and mental attraction and that all kicks off with the hormones. And then becomes the next phase of growing intimacy - sharing who you are with who they are and yearning to know who they are beause the attraction triggers that desire to bond. Then comes a phase of evaluation where you are tinking about how that person will look and feel in your life. And I guess with a lot of attraction and bonding you are seeing the person through eyes of generosity; where you see all the wonderful things about them and you magnify those and appreciate those and you are working towards the ultimate goal most human being naturally have - which is finding love- so you can give it and receive it.

With an EA person, the attraction phase happens...all of that good and fun stuff. But the intimacy phase is where it breaks down. Their "ultimate goal" is not the same as the rest of us (to find love). Their goal is to avoid love. They don't want the hurt, risk, responsibility. So when you get to the intimacy phase - they block it. Maybe in little ways like not being around as much as they could and not calling every day. Maybe in other ways like not being consistent and allowing the bond to grow in a linear fashion. Maybe then in bigger ways - like keeping their options open or by telling you they "don't want a relationship". They like the attention, the affection, the good stuff (humans do) but they never want it to become more. And in the evaluation phase, all they do is pick holes in you mentally. "She's too thin, too old, too busy with work" or whatever is required to convince themselves that you're not all that. And in this way they might be with you, but while you are going through all the phases - they never truly are.

They believe from ground zero, from the very first meeting - that nothing is ever going to come of it. So they invest nothing, they allow no vulnerability on their part and they act in ways to bring about their existing belief - that nothing is ever going to come of it.

So no. It doesn't change.

Not for the right person, not on the right day, not over time and patience. Because if a person isn't open to love, isn't open to believeing that is a good thing that will make their life better. Then it doesn't matter if you are the greatest person on earth and you come wrapped in a red ribbon with a winning lottery ticket shoved u your butt. Thy are never going to truly give you a shot.

The only way you could ever have a slither of a chance?

Probably walking away (for months or even years) to allow them to get their s**t together and decide a life without intimacy, love and closeness is a pretty empty life. But I think it depends on if the person is temporarily EA (grieving a breakup?) or permanently EA (damaged inside in some way)

But I can promise you, that no one can fix it but them, and loving and caring for someone who is incapable or uninterested in investing in growing a bond with you and thus opening themselves to the possiblity to realising what you realise - is futile. Like showing a Monet to a blind man and expecting him to see the diffference between that an a parking ticket.

I know you care about this man (I deeply loved mine) but he can't give that back to you.

It feels addictive in a way because it's like the slot machines in Vegas. they aren't reliable -would they be so addictive if they paid out at set regular intervals as expected? No. What keeps people chucking thousands of $$$ down the slot machine is the vague hope that you will be the lucky one, that it WIL pay out this time and that when it does you know it's the real jackpot. It's kind of a style of mental abuse, because they don't want you to leave so it makes you confused.

February 14, 2016

Wait for what?

YOU have just got your poor son and yourself heavily involved with a man who does NOT want a relationship with you, and who has repeatedly told you that, a man you only see at weekends...

Oh dear...

February 14, 2016

I'm afraid you've gotten yourself into an unfortunate situation with a man who doesn't want to be with you long term. This relationship for him is purely sex and maybe a touch of companionship but he has no intention of making you his girlfriend. He has made that clear.

When a man says any of the below I would start to question his intentions:

1. I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

What this means is that while he enjoys your company and all the free sex he has already decided that you are NOT going to be a long term relationship for him. He is keeping his options open so that he can freely move on to the next person when he finds her and believe me he is still looking regardless of the fact he has told you that you are exclusive. He is not in a relationship with you and he is not in a relationship with you for one reason. He is looking for someone else.

2. I don't want to hurt you.

This is a forewarning. This means they realise and know how you feel about them and are aware that at some point in the near future they are going to hurt you or break your heart. Someone who wants to be with you would be telling you 'I'm not going to hurt you'. There is only a slight difference between the two phrases but the meaning of each is completely different.

3. You are more than just sex.

if a man says this to you along with any of the above two phrases what he is actually saying is you are just sex. Its a tactic used to keep you on a string so that the non-relationship can continue. He is literally trying to convince you you mean more to him than just sex so that you stick around hoping for a relationship. If you actually did mean more to him than just sex you would be his girlfriend.

4. I might be ready for a relationship in the future.

Yes yes he might be ready at some point but it won't be with you. It's another stringing along tactic.

What this guy is getting from you is all the benefits of a relationship (you being loyal, kind, caring, providing sex and fun dates) while he is offering you nothing in return.

You are not in a relationship.

He is not your boyfriend.

You can't rely on him because you aren't in a relationship.

What exactly is it that you are getting from this? What you have is a man who is going to bail on you at any point.

For now he is enjoying the benefits that he is getting but as soon as someone else piques his interest he will drop you. He will then absolve himself of all guilt and responsibility for hurting you because YOU chose to continue with him knowing he didn't want a relationship with you. He was never in a relationship with you.

This is the point in which you decide whether you want to be in a relationship with him. He is giving you nothing but hot air.

If I was you I'd tell him that you have decided you no longer want a relationship with him and that this isnt gong to work for you long term as you are clearly not on the same page. Tell him you want a relationship and he doesn't and you aren't interested in FWB which is exactly what you are at the moment.

Edited February 14, 2016 by 266696687

February 14, 2016