LostOne08 Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Hey everyone. First, I just want to express my praise for this community and its members. A little over two years ago, I was on these boards in the midst of some pretty devastating heartbreaks and I'm happy to say I had a complete turnaround after a few months and a large part of that was due to the support I found here. So, if you're in the midst of a painful breakup, just know that eventually things do get better and take the time to listen to the advice of the folks here. Everyone is going (or has gone) through similar circumstances so they know the fight as well as anyone. Anyway, on to my actual question, which is a bit offbeat. Everyone is free to chime in, but I'm looking for the perspective of female dumpers primarily. It's been discussed on this board and elsewhere about a "mental checkout period" where the dumper mentally breaks from the relationship and does their grieving before they actually end the relationship. They've steeled themselves and have considered the relationship dead before they even break up with the dumpee. Which is why some dumpers seem so callous and indifferent during the breakup. For those dumpers who have went through this, how long before the actual breakup did this check out time last? I'm especially concerned with knowing how you progressed back into dating when this was done. Did you take some time like most dumpees or because of the check out period were you able to date someone new relatively quickly? If you had a particularly long and serious relationship that you ended (maybe even marriage or an engagement) did the mental check out period let you date someone else on a serious level more quickly or did you go through a rebound phase also? Thanks in advance for the feedback everyone.
Toodaloo Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Every time I have dumped (I hate that phrase) someone it is because I no longer want to be in a relationship with them. No other reason and no one else has been involved. The stages I guess are 1. Realisation that there is a problem. This is where I realise that there is a problem and it is serious enough to cause damage to the relationship if left unchecked. 2. Discussion This is where I talk about it and try to come to some resolution thaht works for both. 3. Action This is where I wait and see what their actions are. I will also do my best to react to their issues and see if I can keep up the changes as part of routine and daily life rather than just as a phase. 4. Repeat and rinse If it is not working I will try again - this is where the relationship is now in serious danger. It either works the first time or it doesn't. I always believe in making sure that you try your hardest before giving up. And ensure that the message has been correctly received by both, it may need tweaking a bit here and there. I have to say that during the rinse/ repeat it has never got better if it didn't improve the first time. 5. Acceptance This is where I accept it is not going to work and that it needs to end. 6. Action. I find neutral territory and do the deed. This can sometimes take a month or two after the acceptance as I try to figure out how to do it so it causes least damage to them physically (in terms of them needing to find somewhere to live etc) or mentally (I make sure they have a good support system around them who can be there for them). N.B. I will not have sex with them between acceptance and action. In my mind it is already over. 7. Quiet I take time out because it doesn't matter who dumps who - it always hurts. 4
DarkHorizon Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Every time I have dumped (I hate that phrase) someone it is because I no longer want to be in a relationship with them. No other reason and no one else has been involved. The stages I guess are 1. Realisation that there is a problem. This is where I realise that there is a problem and it is serious enough to cause damage to the relationship if left unchecked. 2. Discussion This is where I talk about it and try to come to some resolution thaht works for both. 3. Action This is where I wait and see what their actions are. I will also do my best to react to their issues and see if I can keep up the changes as part of routine and daily life rather than just as a phase. 4. Repeat and rinse If it is not working I will try again - this is where the relationship is now in serious danger. It either works the first time or it doesn't. I always believe in making sure that you try your hardest before giving up. And ensure that the message has been correctly received by both, it may need tweaking a bit here and there. I have to say that during the rinse/ repeat it has never got better if it didn't improve the first time. 5. Acceptance This is where I accept it is not going to work and that it needs to end. 6. Action. I find neutral territory and do the deed. This can sometimes take a month or two after the acceptance as I try to figure out how to do it so it causes least damage to them physically (in terms of them needing to find somewhere to live etc) or mentally (I make sure they have a good support system around them who can be there for them). N.B. I will not have sex with them between acceptance and action. In my mind it is already over. 7. Quiet I take time out because it doesn't matter who dumps who - it always hurts. Toodaloo you are very nice. I truly wish my ex girlfriend had half of the maturity to follow half of the steps you listed here
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 where the dumper mentally breaks from the relationship and does their grieving.... They've steeled themselves That sounds like dumped boyfriend talk, the kind of thing you'd like to believe. Assuming you didn't do something ****ty to force the dumper to get rid of you, that it all just came in the natural progression of the relationship, I'm not convinced that any grieving or steeling oneself is involved. It's more like a loss of interest, and a curious confusion about why that is. There may also be an attempt to regain what was lost, but it's not because of grief. It's because we value the relationship and we want to feel the way we used to feel about this person. I think that's far more common. But the loss of interest means the soon-to-be-dumper doesn't feel awful that they'll be without this person. They might feel a little bad because things are changing. This should answer your second question: I'm especially concerned with knowing how you progressed back into dating when this was done. Did you take some time like most dumpees or because of the check out period were you able to date someone new relatively quickly? If you had a particularly long and serious relationship that you ended (maybe even marriage or an engagement) did the mental check out period let you date someone else on a serious level more quickly or did you go through a rebound phase also? Assuming that there's not somebody else already, the disinterested dumper is probably ready on Day 1. It's a completely different experience. By the time they dump you, they are done, long gone. And while they detached from you while you were together, it wasn't like they were rejected. They were busy rejecting you, which doesn't feel nearly as bad as it does for the one being rejected. Dumpers don't have rebound relationships. They move on.
Toodaloo Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Toodaloo you are very nice. I truly wish my ex girlfriend had half of the maturity to follow half of the steps you listed here She may well have tried. The key is to note and hear what is being said. Notice the changes. DH please do not call me "nice" though. I know you are trying to compliment me but I find it highly insulting!!! See another thread in dating for further information on why I can't stand "nice" and "fine". Oh by the way those words will be used a lot after the "acceptance" phase. Just a heads up... They are words used when people are disengaged and disenchanted... but don't wish to be impolite... Actually DH have I just missed an insult there? 1
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 She may well have tried. The key is to note and hear what is being said. Notice the changes. DH please do not call me "nice" though. I know you are trying to compliment me but I find it highly insulting!!! See another thread in dating for further information on why I can't stand "nice" and "fine". Oh by the way those words will be used a lot after the "acceptance" phase. Just a heads up... They are words used when people are disengaged and disenchanted... but don't wish to be impolite... Actually DH have I just missed an insult there? I have to agree Toodaloo (I just said that out loud, is that a toilet joke?). You don't come across as particularly nice, not in a negative sense, but that's just not your persona. However, judging from those eyes next to your name, I'm sure we'd think you're definitely fine.
Toodaloo Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I have to agree Toodaloo (I just said that out loud, is that a toilet joke?). You don't come across as particularly nice, not in a negative sense, but that's just not your persona. However, judging from those eyes next to your name, I'm sure we'd think you're definitely fine. Its a British phrase for cherio! See Ya! Bye! I actually meant to put in Tootles (as in the Boy who lost his marbles in Peter Pan as it sure as heck felt as though I was loosing mine when I signed up here!) but my brain wouldn't compute at the time so Toodaloo it was! I think the kool kats call it "Fyne" these days! Thank you! No I am not nice. I can be an absolute cow at times and am as stubborn as hell, opinionated and well I speak my mind when I probably shouldn't. I don't know many who get away with telling their customers to p*** off but for some reason I do. They just keep coming back for more! But for all of that I am exceptionally kind (more so than average folk), it is perfectly normal for me to spoil strangers and loved ones a like, and I have high standards in the way I treat people. I am exceptionally loyal and able to keep secrets. No one who knows me would even consider the word "nice" to describe me. They would say I am more exceptional than that... I take it as a compliment.
DarkHorizon Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 DH please do not call me "nice" though. I know you are trying to compliment me but I find it highly insulting!!! See another thread in dating for further information on why I can't stand "nice" and "fine". Oh by the way those words will be used a lot after the "acceptance" phase. Just a heads up... They are words used when people are disengaged and disenchanted... but don't wish to be impolite... Actually DH have I just missed an insult there? It was a compliment.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Yeah, I knew it meant that. But given how you felt when you started here, I just now thought it was a wordplay on "to the loo".
BlueIris Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I like the way Toodaloo described it. For those dumpers who have went through ("mental checkout period"), how long before the actual breakup did this check out time last? For me, it's not a mental checkout. It's more like a think-and-discuss period. That lasts at least a few months if the relationship was more than a year long, but we've discussed it throughout that time. As differences or problems are becoming more obvious, I'm thinking about things like accepting differences, whether a difference is important enough to end it, trying to adapt and accept, whether I'm being too judgmental or whether the difference is just too essential for the relationship to work. Breaking up with a good, nice person that you care about is awful because you’re making a decision that you know is going to hurt him and you don’t want to hurt him but you have to. So maybe it looks callous but it isn't. I try to be clear, decisive, not make it about how I feel because I don’t want to convey ambivalence or be confusing, and I don't think I should be making it about my feelings while I'm hurting him. I don’t want to list faults or reasons because it usually isn’t that he’s done anything wrong. He’s not flawed. We just don’t fit. Maybe it looks callous but I think it’s often just measured and restrained. Breaking up is just bad all around. You're hurting a good person. It's much easier to be angry and breakup with someone who is nasty or has been bad to you. I'm especially concerned with knowing how you progressed back into dating when this was done. It typically it takes me at least a few months before I feel ready to date. I try to go out and have fun but not dating. (I used "nice". I can't think of another word for it. eek! lol) 1
Shiggs Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) I like the way Toodaloo described it. Breaking up with a good, nice person that you care about is awful because you’re making a decision that you know is going to hurt him and you don’t want to hurt him but you have to. So maybe it looks callous but it isn't. I try to be clear, decisive, not make it about how I feel because I don’t want to convey ambivalence or be confusing, and I don't think I should be making it about my feelings while I'm hurting him. I don’t want to list faults or reasons because it usually isn’t that he’s done anything wrong. He’s not flawed. We just don’t fit. Maybe it looks callous but I think it’s often just measured and restrained. Breaking up is just bad all around. You're hurting a good person. It's much easier to be angry and breakup with someone who is nasty or has been bad to you. This resonates with me because I was that guy in this. I was the good nice person, so reading this makes me feel better and helps me cope with my BU. Thanks for sharing. Edited February 11, 2016 by Shiggs quote errors 1
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