How do you get over this vengeful feeling?

[Finalchapter]

I have been doing quite good in staying away from my ex and trying to stay away from all the triggers that make me miss him. But today I met a mutual friend of ours over coffee and his topic came ex. Basically, my friend very non-chalantly said that some day he (my ex) will find a girl whom he will love to death but she will break his heart. That statement made me cry. To think that some day there will be a girl that he will truly love enough. While I will be just another person who was not good enough for him or who he just didn't want to commit to. Have you guys ever had that thought? How do you deal with being a non-significant chapter in the life of a person for whom you were ready to do anything and everything. I guess I am just having a bad day and missing him.

[Finalchapter]

I am sorry for the title of above post. I didn't mean to call it a vengeful feeling. It's more of a sad feeling

[Sohra]

This is a hard one for you. When a friend tells you to 'move on', or 'there will be someone better around the corner', it hurts! It sucks knowing that you need to move on too, because you don't want to believe that he was an insignificant chapter too. I know how that hurts, imagining them with someone else. It makes me sick every day, especially in my waking moments.

 

But all this is normal. The best thing you can do is get out there! You will begin to realise that he was lucky to even have you in the first place, that's how much clearer you will feel when you push through it. Grieving is natural though, let it come, let it go. It will make you stronger.

[Finalchapter]

It's difficult for me because in all my previous relationships I had started to hate the guy by when we were done. So I couldn't care less...but I used to love him to death. To convince myself that the fact doesn't matter to him is awful. My ex also mentioned to his friends recently that he is scared that he will never find a girl like me. The fact that he thinks that way but still doesn't want to be with me is awful... Don't know I am just very sad today.

[Finalchapter]

I also wanted to know if many many years down the line will he ever think of me fondly or perhaps regret his confusion

[ExtraSpice]

That is a tough one. Knowing that someone didn't love you enough or want you enough hurts. And thinking about how they will meet someone that they will want to commit to hurts even more. But the truth is so will you. That is not going to comfort you in your present situation but still doesn't change the fact that more than likely you will meet someone who you want to be with even more than your ex. And he will reciprocate that feeling.

 

As for what to do with the feelings right now. Unfortunately not much you can do that will give you instant release. Just let them flow through, process them and over time they will decrease. And then a time will come when they will disappear. Keep yourself busy, try new things, the same advice that everybody gives. Just realize that nothing can solve these feelings instantly. It is a process that one just has to go through. It takes time, energy and is quite stressful but it will pass and when it does you probably will be in a much better place than before.

[ExtraSpice]

I also wanted to know if many many years down the line will he ever think of me fondly or perhaps regret his confusion

 

I think the answer to this question varies from person to person. Personally I have experienced that I have regret over my decisions in the short term. Eventually that regret passes and when I have processed everything I tend to think of the past more fondly. As in a nice experience of my life that taught me a lot of good and showed me some bad as well.

[DarkHorizon]

I understand hate is part of the process. You will go through denial, hate, bargaining, depression and acceptance (the five stages), but regardless, hate is just a temporary emotion that will - or at least should - subside in time. For some reason, I am, for the very first time since my breakup, feeling anger towards my situation, but not towards ex girlfriend. What she did to me was despicable, but still, anger would only make me feel worse and not contribute to anything positive. I do have a good background in mindfulness and meditation, so it isn't too hard for me to keep my thoughts at bay, when needed. Heartbreak is a tough one, though, and it is important for you to allow yourself to experience this pain fully, so you don't bottle up anything.

[CDJ]

How do you deal with being a non-significant chapter in the life of a person for whom you were ready to do anything and everything.

This is something I've also been dealing with. About a month ago (5 months after the break-up) my ex gradually deleted all photos of me from social media. On the last occasion I spoke to her, she'd told me she didn't want to do that or to 'erase me'. I know this shouldn't matter any more, but I couldn't understand why she'd waited that long and did it in stages (given that she had moved on with the new guy almost immediately after the break-up).

 

There's just something symbolic about that gesture, and it hurts like hell. Especially as in my mind she remains a significant chapter of my life, despite what she did to me. Makes me feel like a bit of a mug, to be honest!

 

I guess maybe we just have to 'accept' it?! And perhaps remember that there were probably times in our lives when we meant more to someone else than they did to us. That's just the way it is; it's never equal.

[mightycpa]

I just moped around and cried and did a lot of thinking about how I might have been different. After that, I tried to convince myself she wasn't the one. After that, I came to accept what she was and what she wasn't to me. After that, I grieved for a while until I was pretty much grieved out.

 

All that stuff takes a long time.

[DarkHorizon]

About a month ago (5 months after the break-up) my ex gradually deleted all photos of me from social media. On the last occasion I spoke to her, she'd told me she didn't want to do that or to 'erase me'. I know this shouldn't matter any more, but I couldn't understand why she'd waited that long and did it in stages (given that she had moved on with the new guy almost immediately after the break-up).

 

There's just something symbolic about that gesture, and it hurts like hell.

 

It is quite possible that she deleted the photos simply because 1) she couldn't handle looking at them, since they would bring all sorts of emotions, including guilt and sadness; and 2) the pictures bothered her new boyfriend and she wanted to to please him and ease his insecurities.

 

All I am trying to say is that there are other reasons besides "trying to forget you" that, if it matters at all to you, should still be considered. Our mind always migrate towards the most possible negative scenario.

Edited February 10, 2016 by DarkHorizon

[The Poster]

The part I hated the most in the aftermath of my breakups was the bitterness. Nothing hurt me more than feeling bitter at my ex. I didn't want to. I understand that everyone has the right to follow their heart, but you are bothered that they gave up on you, and what could have been, and become bitter. It was so awful when those feelings came up. Like most people, I juggled through all the stages, but bitterness was by far the worst.

 

Point is, eventually that'll go away. It's only part of the process and then when the anguish lifts, you are left with sadness still, but those high intensity emotions go away.

[Finalchapter]

Hi everyone, thanks a lot for encouraging me to move on. I really needed that now. What really stings is that my breakup was around a year before and I had already gone through these emotions. He had started dating someone very quickly after the breakup and that was so painful that in a blow I stopped feeling everything. But then he returned, made me forgive him for all that happened and just walked out again. The first breakup was like a quick stab where u die whereas this time it's like a knife thats being pierced slow and excruciating. Perhaps I needed this to learn that people don't change. Most of them never come around for you. I don't know...I am just venting...atleast ls helps me to not have the urge to say all this to him.

[jen1447]

If nothing else this is a lesson to avoid trying to say sth overly 'poignant' to comfort a friend.

 

You'll be ok OP.

[DarkHorizon]

The first breakup was like a quick stab where u die whereas this time it's like a knife thats being pierced slow and excruciating. Perhaps I needed this to learn that people don't change. Most of them never come around for you.

 

Yes, it does get worse every single time, and that's why one shouldn't give dumpers another try.

[Finalchapter]

I agree about no second chances thing. I am sure things will get better. They have once, they will again. I am trying to stay extremely happy and positive. I went to my hairdresser today for a complete makeover and I feel good now. :)