Boyfriend talked to Ex and didn't tell me.

[MilkyHolmes]

Sorry for the long post but i desperately need advice.. My boyfriend is 24 and i am 21.

 

So about 3 weeks ago my boyfriend and i went facebook official for the 2nd time. (last time was a year ago) and this girl commented "Again? Hmm.." I deleted it because i thought it was rude and asked my bf who she was and he said "Oh thats my ex, shes the hardcore christian girl that drank way too much, she cheated on me and i broke it off. She's crazy. I wish i never started talking to her in the first place :c" he said "she still calls me at like 3am but i never answer because i assume she's drunk. Maybe i should talk to her and tell her to leave us alone.."

 

I said he could just delete her and he said "Thats probably a better idea" so a couple days later i checked if he unadded her and he didnt.. I was like "?"

 

It prob doesnt help that shes pretty.. I'm not just being nice she's prettier than me and is a personal trainer so you know she has a rocking body with a huge booty which sucks because my bf is an ass man.. kill me.

 

 

My boyfriend and i are long distance (My fault) and his ex and him live in the same town.. so that added extra insecurity. I saw that they added each other in June of 2014 (i assume she added him) but still weird because my bf and i have been together since early 2013. 3 years.

 

 

So last night i talked to him on the phone and brought it up and i said.. "Hey you know how you said your ex calls you sometimes at night?" He was like "Yeah?" I asked how she would have his number since he got a new one like a year ago and we discusses the "no ex's" thing prior to that.. he was like "Uhh.. i got my new number over a year ago and back then we were still talking. She probably asked for it on facebook when we were still friends. But i haven't talked to her in like a year because she started going crazy. Are you okay? Is that not okay?" I said "I dont talk to any of my ex's". He said "Well i did before she went off the deep end. We didnt even talk that much back then, its was small talk. She treated me bad, she cheated on me and wouldnt commit to me when i wanted to go steady, i got ****ing sick of it so i didnt want her in my life anymore but then she tried to be kinder to me so i was like "okay we can be friends" but thats it because i'm in a relationship. And once i told her i was in a relationship she started avoiding me again so i was like nevermind, we aren't going to talk."

 

 

 

I asked how long they were together he was like "If you asked her she would say we were never together because she was weird relationship but i was monogamous to her for like 3 months but then she decided she didnt want anything to do with me anymore" I was like "i thought she cheated on you?"

He said "I didnt have any solid proof but she was out partying a lot, i assumed she cheated." I just said it was weird because in the beginning of our relationship, he's told me he wouldn't appreciate me talking to my ex and that i thought that was a boundary. He said he "didn't remember saying that baby i'm sorry."

 

Boundaries are formed while in relationships.. i feel like those are the things you really shouldn't forget.. I then asked why she was still added and he said "He forgot" to unadd her..I also have a hard time thinking he cut her off as abruptly as he's insinuating because just a month ago he uploaded a picture of his pet and she commented with a heart eyes emoji.. so she seems to think they are still buddies?

 

 

 

10 minutes later I was going quiet and he asked if i was okay.. i said i was having anxiety.. He asked "Why??" and i said that it's just weird that he would give an ex his private number even though we talked about that being a boundary.. i asked if she was just like a weak spot or something? He said "No baby.. She not a weak spot, i dont know.. i guess then she was going down a self destructive path and i didnt want her to hurt herself but she did anyway so i started ignoring her.. i'm sorry.. i promise i don't talk to her anymore."

 

During some parts he was clearing his throat i read that can be a sign of lying or anxiety idk which one.. I asked him to call me after he got off work so he called and i asked him about the shifts in his story regarding some things about her.

 

 

I asked the real reason they started talking he said "This happened a year ago and i understand the concern is fresh for you but i havent talked to her is so long. Okay well back when i gave her my new number she asked for my new number on facebook because she wasent doing well and wanted to talk, we talked about her problems but when she finally asked about me i said things are going good and that i was dating you. Then she started acting weird and so i basically stopped talking to her but she didn't really stop talking to me she would get drunk and call me at night. I didnt want to deal with it. Looking back i never should have given her my number because it looks bad, giving my number to an ex when im with you. and also because she was crazy when i dated her so of course she would be crazy now."

 

I said "I remember in a conversation you said you were uncomfterable with me talking to an ex so im wondering why you would do something that makes you feel uncomfy back to me and then never mention it."

 

 

He said "Tbh i dont really have an explanation for it, i thought i was being a good person by helping someone through a rough time. But i guess its hypocritical because i do remember when i was telling you i wasent very comfortable with you talking to ex's and in all reality it doesnt make sense to feel that way because ex's are ex's for a reason.I think i said that because i was really insecure about that one guy who would never leave you alone and called you all the time."

 

 

I said "i guess i'm just surprised because you always painted her as the crazy Christian girl who drank way too much and cheated on you but you left out the part of the story where you guys talked and exchanged numbers. Why would you leave that out if it was nothing?"

 

 

He was like "Because to me it really was nothing.. we only talked for maybe 2 weeks every other day we would send 3 texts to eachother checking up like "whats up?"s and "how are you?"'s now i realized i shouldnt have because something was going on with her that didnt feel right."

 

 

I said "You could have been like hey i know i dont like you talking to your ex's but something is going on with my ex and im just checking up on them."

 

He said "I dont think it was fair of me to put up that boundary in the first place because i brought it up out of insecurity. I don;t know what else to say.. i'm sorry.." I asked if he's seen her in person since we started dating he said he sweared to me he hasent seen her since he kicked her out of his house when they broke up 3 years ago.

 

I was still insecure and down so i asked if he forgot the boundary or that he said that to me or if he just disregarded it.. He said "I dont know i guess what was going through my mind at the time wasn't necessarily to disregard that boundary but i guess put it to the side for a while to make sure someone was okay?"

 

 

I was like "So it went through your mind that maybe this would make me uncomfortable or that we've talked about this?" He said "Yeah i would probably say that went through my mind i'm not going to lie to you and i know most people consider talking to an ex a nono but i wasen't for any ulterior motives other than to see if she was okay because when we broke up she was in a rough spot so i figured it being a year and a half later i thought maybe she was killing herself with drinking and drugs."

 

 

I asked if i was less than important than her for a moment of time He said "no thats not true, i've never felt that way, i just wanted to make sure a person from my past wasent killing themselves." I said "you should have at least mentioned it to me if you felt like you were compromising our boundaries." He said "I didn't mention it at the time because i didnt want you to worry about me talking to an ex.. i was just checking on them. I didnt do it to hurt you or for any bad reasons.. i thought i was being a good person."

 

 

He went onto ask if i hated him and if i still loved him i told him love and feeling hurt aren't conflicting emotions. I checked if he deleted her and he did.. I still feel bad right now.. like i said we are long distance and his (stunning) ex lives in the same town.

 

 

Feels v bad.. I have anxiety disorder so this has really really been hard on my intrusive thoughts. He's never lied to me about girl stuff in the past he always says i'm the only girl he texts/girl he's loved the most/etc.. so this feels weird and foreign...

 

I just need any thoughts and advice please.. I asked how long into them talking did he tell her he has a gf and he said about 4 texts in, all she said was "Oh" and then she asked about me, he explained and she said she didn't understand it ( i guess because we havent met yet.)

 

 

 

I asked when the last time she called and he said "How long? I don;t know, its been a long time. 6 or 7 months maybe?" His pitched raised here. Idk if reading too much into it or sign of lying or just trying to recall something that happened months ago..

 

 

Oh another really weird thing? I went on her profile when she commented on our relationship status and she had this picture of this hot girl on a motorcycle with a helmet on. She said it was her. I've seen this picture on tumblr for years. I looked it up and the picture is actually of a famous model named Roxana Van-something. A lot of his ex's pictures are her own but i know this picture is fake.. why though?? Just adds to her seeming kind of.. off..

But on my bf's part, does everything check out? Does his story add up with her being that pretty? My anxiety isn't letting me see things clearly. Tell me if im over reacting or if it seems off?

[smackie9]

If this girl was so horrible, then why would he have anything to do with her?? His excuses are lame, his is a bad liar, and if it were me I would be sending him to the curb.....come on, he sounds like a 16 year old boy tellin crap to his naive 13 year old GF. You are better than this.....find yourself a real man.

[greenly24]

I’m so sorry about this. I know how difficult it is when you feel that someone has betrayed your trust. And, too, with the anxiety you’ve been feeling, I can imagine that this is put a lot of stress on you. Still, I think it’s good that you both are trying to talk things through. Maybe you could try talking face-to-face, and even if you can’t talk in person, you could talk through video chat through facetime, skype, or something. Also, what do your friends and family think? Sometimes an objective opinion from someone who really knows you can put things in perspective.

[Maggie4]

OMG this has got to be the most patient and considerate man. How many men would tolerate repeated grilling on the same subject and still patiently explain. By the way, guilty men are the first to get angry because they are defensive so they throw out "you're insecure" and get angry to deflect.

 

Don't push him too far, unless you want to end it. Once he passes a point, he can suddenly break up with you citing all the times you badgered him on this one issue. I suggest never ask him the same question twice. Your answer lies within yourself, not with him.

 

You must trust you have amazing qualities that he loves. She may be a pair of good looking shoes but she doesn't fit.

[deep_night]

that reminds me of an ex boyfriend who was annoyed because i didnt send him birthday wishes. when i explained to him that i respect the fact that he may have a new person in his life he replied so naturally "i wouldnt tell her!". this is when i sighed, relieved that i wasn't in a relationship with him anymore. he was a sneaky sob.

 

honestly, if you feel something's off then you're probably right...

[Robratory]

My advice?

 

1. Dump him.
   
2. Get a short-distance boyfriend.
   
3. Stay off the damn Facebook!
   

 

Facebook is nothing but a huge enabler of drama. Live in the real world.