3yr relationship destroyed, caught her cheating

[Littleharoldeh]

So I figured id chime in here and give my story since I've read many on here and many have helped me deal with what I'm going thru. So here it goes

 

So I started dating this girl 3 yrs ago, she was 22 I was 27. She was in a 3yr relationship at the time I meet her. Tho we never did anything together at first she said she was in a bad relationship blah blah, was gonna break up with him then it happened, we hooked up (she cheats on him) breaks up with him very shortly and we start out. It's worth noting I later learned they had both cheated on each other hence why it was a bad relationship.

 

So we saw each other for 3 months and got to know each other more etc then started dating. We dated for just over 3 yrs but at one point about a year and half in, we were at my friends place and long day and had a few to many and passed out. I woke up a couple hrs later to find she's not around, not answering phone, other buddy was asleep already so I went to the back yard to his shed and I found her sitting on his lap with his hand on her ass they were close. I busted in freaked out and drove 3 hrs home and left her there. She was a mess crying etc but I held out for awhile. I broke up with her but that was for 2 weeks till we had a real sit down and she genuinely knew she was in the wrong, acknowledged that she needs to pull back on the drinking (not that she drinks often at all but when she has enough she gets loose and a bit flirty), long story short took her back. Big mistake now when I look at.

 

All in all things were great after tho, moved in with her a few months later, no real problems besides minor little squabbles about useless stuff. We were looking at houses and she's been hinting marriage so I was about to buy a ring a propose till...she full out cheated. We had our 3 yr anniversary on this past New Years, great Christmas holiday, bought each other loads of gifts, I love you all the time etc etc.

 

Two weeks later she had a girls trip to the mountains which I was fine with, she gained my trust again. I wasn't to happy about the two girls she was going with cause they are single, crazy and I don't get along with them since boxing day but whatever right. I do my guy trips often enough. Sure enough, the night before I was kinda bugging her oh this'll be our last night, you'll meet some hot dude or somethings, ya know goofing around and she was all no never I love you to the moon etc. Not even 24hrs after I said good bye and went to work and she went to the city for the first night.

 

She lands up getting drunk and sleeping with the guy that owned the house. It was one of the other girls friends place and I know they were staying there. Only way I found out, her text messages come thru her computer and I was on it the next day doing some stuff and messages were come thru from a number, not a contact name and looked funny so I looked into and yup sure enough. I was so destroyed. Crazy thing was she was texting this guy thru out the day and me and the same time. Telling me she loved me and all that stuff and she went shopping and bought new underwear for when's she's back etc.

 

So since this was the next day after it happened and I found out that night I kinda hinted if there was anything to tell me, if something happened last night and she was distant and vague so I left it. I guess from what I heard that was when she told the girls she was with what happened. I guess she was quite all day until those texts she broke.

 

Anyways so I try to sleep which was useless, go to work the next day, first coffee I approach her on it and denies everything, being distant saying she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I go one step further and text this guy and I didn't blame him or anything was a man to man, telling him my situation with her and the house and marriage and that I don't wanna be marrying her if she's cheating. Basically no blame on him just saying I heard something happened can you clarify, never did respond so I knew for sure at this point and well he must have texted her cause that's when the iMessage got turned off and no more messages were coming thru so she figured out how I knew. I couldnt finish work, so much heartbreak and anxiety.

 

I went home to our place and called her and everything from that point on was the weirdest reactions I've ever had with her or any girl in the past. During the only phone call since we broke up, first she said they only laid in bed and kissed and talked and we need a break obviously you don't trust me you went thru my messages. Useless dialogue then after that was all text messages mainly me. Don't deny I trashed talked her friends. I wanted to blame the booze cause she was drunk that night and her mental state and her friends, anything but her but I know now it was her. I was in shock and heartbroken and never had this happen to me before. Basically as time went she just avoided texting always to busy or out eating, said I think we have more issues then we realize. We just got to comfortable.

 

So I made up my mind to move out before she got back and I did. Crazy thing was she comes home to an empty apartment and first thing she texts is where's her financial stuff from the mortgage broker. I was so floored. Just kinda heartless. Shorten things up she did look at houses with her brother. He knew what had happened cause I told him but he didn't let her know he knew and her reasons were pathetic, no real reason. As texts went on in that week she said that's her way with dealing with it is to make life as normal as possible etc, she's confused and sorry but never gave that real closure or reason.

 

Then to top it off, that first weekend she came back, the one girl from the trip was her birthday and I was with a buddy and having first drinks since we split and here we see on snapchat them out and sure enough the guy she hooked up with that lives 3 hrs away came down. That same night I went to her place to pick up the remainder of my stuff and leave her keys and she left me the crappiest note ever, like a high school breakup note. Took maybe 1 min to write. So knowing this guy was there and most likely staying with her I lost it. I texted some nasty messages to her and in my rage and drunken stated I wanted to make her hurt at least a bit so I went the childish route and posted on Facebook a nasty post about what she did and her guy and the ****ty note. This was at 3 am and a friend seen it and convinced me to take it down and I did, it was on for 20 min. However in that short time her mom saw it I guess and I felt bad but now I'm glad they know the truth considering she couldn't tell them we broke up but got her brother to do it.

 

I was doing no contact till I ran into her at the grocery store and emailed her after to which she replied

N$&(::,

 

First off seeing you today really shocked me. I'm sorry I had no idea what to say. I was shaking and nervous. I really just don't know how to deal with conflict. I was in no way laughing at you or smirking at your sadness. I would never do such a think.

 

N$&@** all of this has not been fun and games for me at all. I have a hard time putting my feelings and thoughts into words. I do not deal will with confrontation. I never have.

 

I wish I could explain to you why I ended up sleeping with Steve but I am still trying to figure that out. Realizing that I was able to do that makes me realize I must be lacking something in our relationship. I am still working through that. I do feel horrible for what I have done but I have to live with what I have done. I know it's not something to over look or that can be patched up.

 

I think I ended up having feeling for Steve the first time I meet him in Saskatoon back in October. Though nothing happened that time and I did not speak to him till I saw him again in Saskatoon. I just assumed he know I had a boyfriend at the time but he had no idea. It was my fault for not making sure he know for absolute certainly that I was in relationship. I never planned on anything to happen at all.

 

I really did see us having a future together. I thought you were the one for me. Now when I think back I don't think we were meant to be obviously looking at what I was able to do. I think I was very comfortable and liked the certainty of us and where we were heading in life. I just like things planned out though I don't think I was too happy with the idea of being a farmer's wife but it was future I understood and got.

 

I really hope this kinda helps explains things a little more for you but truely I am still figuring things out for myself.

This will be my last message to you. Hopefully you will be able to move on and all the best of luck to you.

 

 

So that's it. She opened up somewhat but dating someone for 3 yrs, and really I thought our relationship was healthy and in a good place. I'm still blind sided. I still haven't seen any warning signs that this was coming.

 

Only thing I can see is I took a operation construction job back in July and since then life got somewhat routine. We were both working a lot. Guy comes home tired, not really there for eachother all the time but we still made time when we could on weekends etc. I can admit the bedroom wasn't as exciting as say when we first started living together but if that was the issue, then talk about or just dump me. It's not like we didn't have sex just not as often or passionate most times but everyone says the honeymoon doesn't last forever. Other then that nothing I can see. Had great xmas holiday and anniversary. She pushed everything in the relationship to, pushed for me to move in, pushy to buy the house and get married. I wasn't backing off hard but I took my time with it. Hardest thing is knowing she's still with this guy. I know she will try hard to make it work to help justify her actions.

 

Bothers me so much cause he's everything she doesn't like in a guy. Cocky full of himself. She hates those types so it bothers me. I truly loved that girl with my whole heart and wanted to marry so it's tough to swallow. I havent spoken to her since that day I bumped into her. That was such a terrible feeling to see her. All social media blocked since that stupid Facebook post. As I said I know I acted wrong in many ways thru this breakup but her lack of remorse and ability to move on so quick just killed me. Never felt like a bigger pos in my life.

 

So I'm doing nc, pretty well have to cause she probably wouldn't talk to me anyways and there's no point talking to her. She's moved on. I'm trying to eat well get in shape. It's been almost a month and what a rough month but everyday gets better. Just hard knowing where we were headed to being 31 and single. Sucks. Guess looking for any advice, encouragement and any women's prospective would be interesting. Sorry so long and had tons else to say but this is enough.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[DarkHorizon]

So I'm doing nc, pretty well have to cause she probably wouldn't talk to me anyways and there's no point talking to her. She's moved on. I'm trying to eat well get in shape. It's been almost a month and what a rough month but everyday gets better.

 

That part IS the part that matters.

Everything else belongs to the past now. Look forward.

Don't try to understand her reasons. You won't be able to find answers.

Being aware of that will help you move on.

Push away all thoughts that might try to hijack your focus of attention.

She is as good as dead to you now.

[mightycpa]

She cheated her way in with you and then cheated her way out. Like bookends.

 

I might have more sympathy if you were younger, but at 30, you should have known that if a 22 year old girl could cheat with you, she could cheat on you.

At 1.5 years, when you witnessed somebody's hand on her ass, you should have been reminded of this. You should have been wondering about all the times she cheated on you and you didn't catch her.

 

I guess you thought it couldn't happen to you.

[bookowl1011]

Littleharoleh,

I am so happy and pleased to hear you say that you are moving on (slowly but surely) eating healthy and working out. That is very important both for the physical reasons and for your mind as well.

I know that loosing all you thought you had in one blow and with no explanation is immeasurably painful. I also know that it is unfruitful to hold on to someones heart when they do not want to stay. So, release her heart and know that you are now free to choose the path you will take. Learn from this experience, have it make you a better person, make awesome your goal. You will feel pain but be sure the pain will go away.

Listen, 31 & single is not a negative thing and certainly not the end of the world. You are not alone there are more of us out there livin life to the fullest. Being happy again is possible.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poutrew]

I dunno, but the last time I kicked my cheating GF out, I really didn't have any bad reaction to her being gone. I looked at it this way:

1. I had a steady supply of pretty good sex for a while.

2. I had someone home during the day to pick up my mail, packages from Amazon, electronics suppliers, etc. You know, stuff that I'd sweat knowing it was on my doorstep for all to see whilst I was away at work.

3. I had someone to walk the dog, and who liked to cook...

 

I figure I saved all that money having someone else do those things. Okay, so she was a cheating POS who couldn't keep her legs closed... that's human nature. I figure I'll eventually meet up with a woman who has some self control, at least enough to wait for me to get home. So I figure she really did me a favor by being so helpful before she revealed her human weakness...

 

I'm an optimist - the glass is always half full no matter how you look at it! Good luck and start looking for that truly perfect match for you!

[Littleharoldeh]

I thank all of you who have replied. It helps. Things are getting better for sure. Getting more social and continuing to focus on myself. The pain comes and goes. Memories pop in and thoughts, they are the hardest to control but I am just going with the motions. Working out is probably the best thing for me. Gets my mind totally off of it and I've been committed to going 5/6 times a week. It's a big adjustment considering I havent been to a gym in years.

 

I've continued nc and luckily I haven't ran into her again. It will happen tho since the city we live in is small but hopefully not anytime soon. It's hard not to think about her with this guy. I'd be lieing if deep down I hope it blows up in her face eventually tho. It still sucks not getting the real closure.

 

I've since made amends/apologized to some of the mutual friends that were in the middle of this messy breakup that I lashed out on for really no reason. At the time I couldn't control my emotions and was just mad her and anyone with her. Anyways just wants to say thanks to those who replied.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[mightycpa]

I dunno, but the last time I kicked my cheating GF out, I really didn't have any bad reaction to her being gone. I looked at it this way:

1. I had a steady supply of pretty good sex for a while.

2. I had someone home during the day to pick up my mail, packages from Amazon, electronics suppliers, etc. You know, stuff that I'd sweat knowing it was on my doorstep for all to see whilst I was away at work.

3. I had someone to walk the dog, and who liked to cook...

 

I figure I saved all that money having someone else do those things. Okay, so she was a cheating POS who couldn't keep her legs closed... that's human nature. I figure I'll eventually meet up with a woman who has some self control, at least enough to wait for me to get home. So I figure she really did me a favor by being so helpful before she revealed her human weakness...

 

I'm an optimist - the glass is always half full no matter how you look at it! Good luck and start looking for that truly perfect match for you!

Why did you kick her out? Shouldn't you have given her a box of rubbers and a daily chore list instead?

[Toodaloo]

Why did you kick her out? Shouldn't you have given her a box of rubbers and a daily chore list instead?

 

Make one wonder why she would want to leave with such a charming attitude... I am going to put it down to lashing out after being hurt and leave it at that...

[theredpill]

The unfortunate reality and I've seen this 100% of the time, once personally and the rest from family and friends is as follows...

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you enter a relationship where your partner isn't "completely" single" they will do exactly the same to you, whether they're male or female.

 

So anyone out there now who's considering "It'll be different with me, I'm awesome... and they won't cheat" well... you're f'kin lying to yourself boys and girls.

 

Any mention of cheating or a crossover period you're aware of and potential partners are out, there and then, there is no leeway because they're hot or rich, they're are out and next.

[mightycpa]

The unfortunate reality and I've seen this 100% of the time, once personally and the rest from family and friends is as follows...

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you enter a relationship where your partner isn't "completely" single" they will do exactly the same to you, whether they're male or female.

 

So anyone out there now who's considering "It'll be different with me, I'm awesome... and they won't cheat" well... you're f'kin lying to yourself boys and girls.

 

Any mention of cheating or a crossover period you're aware of and potential partners are out, there and then, there is no leeway because they're hot or rich, they're are out and next.

Hi theredpill. Nice to meet you.

 

When I met my wife, I had a great GF and she had a pretty nice BF. In terms of relationships, there was a period of overlap for each of us. While we could have been more honorable with the ex's, we were completely honest with each other. We took our chances, and it took a little time for each of us to extricate ourselves from our existing commitments.

 

So now you can't cite that 100% statistic anymore. Circumstances can allow for what you think is impossible. The exes got over it, and they went on to lead wonderful lives.

 

I will grant you your point, however. You have to have your eyes wide open, and know that it can happen to you too. That doesn't mean it will, but you cannot assume it won't.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi, own and fix what is your's to own and fix.

 

As to her note to you. Perhaps it wasn't you, perhaps wasn't the relationship, it was a fault in her.

 

The biggest fault is her inability to tell you before this happened what was going on with her. If a relationship needs the ability to communicate to survive and she can't communicate .....

 

At this point maintain NC. Someone asks how you doing, simply say coping. And change the subject. Right now you are most likey trying to figure out how to find one women to be with. Two books often recommend (I have read excerpts and reviews) His needs - Her needs and 5 love languages.

[Littleharoldeh]

Thanks for the reply jersey. I think best I've come up with is she's confused and doesn't even know herself. As I said, no signs of it coming at all. I admit as some people have said on here I was naive for thinking "it couldn't happen to me". She's not a good communicator at all. When I moved out she had to get her brother to tell her parents we broke up and not the truth. I'm maintaining nc. I want answers so bad or to even know what she's up to or saying but in the end it just doesn't matter. It's over, she's moved on last I heard with the guy she cheated on me with. How she deals with a situation like this is to not deal with issues and just make life as normal as possible again which she's done. Me personally imo, she won't grow or change with an attitude like this. I can see her in say a yr or two say with this guy, and cheating on him. She doesn't know what she wants or who she is and I know from my life, staying alone and single for awhile helps one grow. Although I've never been cheated on till this girl and I imagine I'll be very guarded tho now. As for other women, to be honest not looking right now, personally not ready yet and I'm focusing on myself for awhile. I got a trip to England at the end of March to see some old friends and get away and I'm hoping by then I'll be more like me but a better healthier version and then maybe I'll start having some fun again. It's only been a month since we split and it's amazing where I am now as opposed to those first two weeks. I'm still rough at times and it hurts but the light is definitely brighter. Right now, if I ever did see her or any of those other girls she was with or mutual friends, I want them to see I'm coping and looking good and not some dribbling mess like I was when it initially happened and that was to be expected. I've kept the booze to a very minimum unless I'm with friends socializing. I'm focusing on diet and the gym. Really is the best medicine for this aside from hooking up with someone else which many say helps one move on quicker but, ego confidence took a hit with this so, in time, I think I'll get there.,

[Littleharoldeh]

So I figured I'd come back on here. So it's been nearly a month and a half since the breakup and about a month NC. For some reason this week I'm really struggling. I've been active visiting people lately, hanging out, continuing to go to the gym and stay on a healthy diets but the last few days my ex is all I can think about and I just want to write her so bad and I know I shouldn't. That lack of closure and how messey the breakup was just bothers me. Just feel like I wanna clear the air with her. Vent, let her know how bad she hurt me, etc. Not to write her and win her back but actually have that last conversation. Sure is tough, thought I was doing really well but these last 3 days just suck. I miss her, love her still and hate at once. I really have kept my nose out of her business, I really don't have a clue what's going on with her aside from a coworker who knows her family and brother well and he mentioned that her parents thinks she's nuts for what she did and getting a tattoo and that she hasn't talk to anyone of them for over a month which for her is really strange. I think that bothers me a bit. Is she so ridden with guilt and shame finally or she just pushing everyone away to make life as normal as she can and avoid anything about the relationship or she having a great old time be single and free. Drives me nuts lately. Do I dare break NC? Any advice here would be great. Thanks in advance

Edited February 25, 2016 by Littleharoldeh

[ilovemefirst]

I know this is hard, but you are going NC to heal. If you message her, you will have to start back NC from day 1 and it will be harder again. She does not deserve you. Focus on yourself and look forward to the good things that are coming into your life. I always say: when one door closes, another one opens. Keep your head up, you can do this:)

[Jim nine three]

Dude,honestly,there is nothing you can,nor should do.If you feel like writing your feelings on paper do so,but don't send it.No one but yourself will ever bring closure to a situation like this believe me.

 

I will try to be blunt with you.All this about her not being herself and such,such a big pile of BS.I have had it,most of us have had it and the truth is she is a cheater.That's a deal breaker in most relationships.Don't try to excuse her ****ty behavior.The best thing you can do is move on with your life keep doing what you are doing and eventually forget this mess.

 

At the end of the day,if she wanted or wants to be with you she will come asking for you to get together.You were the one cheated upon don't try to victimize her just to excuse your feelings.You deserve much more than that.

 

Keep doing what you are doing.Focus on your life,your goals and never contact this girl again unless she contacts you again.Things will turn out for the best for you I am sure!

[Littleharoldeh]

Thanks guys. It's always good to hear this. I mean I know it deep down but just have trouble fighting the urge. I've been thinking I should write a letter like you say and not send it. It's not that I want her back or wanna make it excuses for her at all. When I found out what she did, ya that's what k was doing but not now. Just the lack of remorse and everything she didn't say makes that bit of closure a tough pill to swallow. Would be nice to know the truth but at the this point it would probably just send me back to where I was when it all happened. Thanks again