cagedbird27 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 It has been 2 years since my ex and I broke up.We were together for four years. When I first met him I had an undeniable feeling that he would change my life. He was my first long term relationship. I also new upon meeting that he wouldn't be in my life romantically forever but that he would change my life. I was young when we met, me 20yrs old and he 42 years old. The relationship we had had it's many up's and downs, particularly with me being young and stupid making multiple mistakes that sometimes involved stepping out on him. Even after those incidents, we always managed to stick together, now that I look back at it, I recognize that a certain unhealthy dependency was at play. Perhaps I provided him with something young and fresh and he provided me with a particular security that I never had (unconditional love, a house, a dog, he had three kids as well, etc), so I felt secure until nearing 25 years old when I realized that I needed to be out of the relationship because I had stopped growing emotionally. I also wanted him to have the love he deserved, particularly him nearing advanced age. So I broke it off one day over a nasty fight the day before his 46th or 47th birthday. It was because he was starting to talk to a woman at work (who was 36 yrs old) and he wanted me to make up my mind of what I wanted because he was also getting tired of our up's and down's. Out of anger I ended it. I was out of his house within a few hours, even when he begged for us to at least talk about our ending. I shut that conversation down and said some hurtful things to him in the process (that wounded him deeply). He has since moved on with the woman he was talking to at work, and I have moved on as well to my own amazing relationship. The only thing that I hate is that I wish we had better closure. Now that I am 26 years old, I am mature enough to value any relationship that I have and now it's just that one last relationship that I regret (in terms of endings). Every time I see my ex around town I get a bitter energy from him, I know I screwed him over so many times that any sort of proper closure with him is pretty slim. I just hate how at certain times throughout the season, I have dreams about him and it makes me not only miss him but have a strong desire to talk to him and at least tell him how sorry I am for hurting him tremendously (at the end of our relationship, he cried and told me that I had changed him and not in a good way, that he even considered suicide..this is after we broke up). I now deeply regret that and perhaps always will until I at least bump into him and let him know how sorry I am for hurting him a few years ago (with no intentions of getting back together). I regret not taking on that last conversation when he offered it, at the time I just wanted to flee. I know now that he is happy and that the relationship that he is in is what I always wanted for him all along. This woman treats him with far greater respect than I ever did and I hear they travel the world and do everything together, so I know he has moved on. Now I am just left with feeling ****ty about my past actions. Has anyone felt this before? Has anyone had closure eventually with their ex even years later? I hate that the aspect of "closure" affects me but I guess that's my piece of insanity. In no ways do I want to get back together with him, I just wish we had the type of relationship that ended in a way where we could pass each other on the street, briefly catch up with each other and genuinely wish each other well. I don't know why this still matters to me but it does. I just hope the knot in my stomach about him eventually ceases to exist every time I think or dream about him.
testmeasure Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) I don't know that having long drawn out discussions where you both struggled with something that apparently wasn't going to work out anyway would have been better. You were upset at the time. So you acted like you were upset. So? That's pretty normal and understandable. You implemented the decision cleanly and decisively. After there had already been problems in the relationship and with a new huge complication of him starting to talk to someone else. So you acted like someone who was upset. So what? By ending it cleanly and decisively you did both of you a favor. If it wasn't going to work, and you got into long protracted talks and negotiations and it came out then about him being suicidal if you left him, and you're trying to sit there and struggle with and figure out a future together while you know it's just not going to work for you, that would have been a total disaster. It sounds like you did the right thing. If you hurt him a little by how upset you were, strangely enough that may also have done him a favor by making it easier for him to move on. He's much older and with more life experience. He's moved on and is happy. Unless proven otherwise, I'd assume that he too has come to realizations and a different perspective over how things ended, why they ended, and whether they ever had a chance of working out permanently. Unless proven other wise, I'd assume he's reconciled it and is ok with it. He was able to get past your "stepping out" on him and continue the relationship. I'd assume that he'd have no problem getting past you being a little upset when it ended. If you bump into each other and he tells you it still bothers him how it ended, then apologize for it. Otherwise, assume it doesn't bother him at all. Regarding anything that happened during the relationship, there's not much use carrying around huge regret for that either. Regardless of what you did during the relationship, he stayed in the relationship by his own choice. That means in the give and take he thought on balance you provided him with more value than downside. He made that choice. So what ever you did during the relationship he already forgave it in light of whatever upside there was to him from the relationship. There's nothing worth dwelling over with regret. Rather than carrying a ton of regret, just realize that you have grown and will treat people better going forward. . Edited February 9, 2016 by testmeasure
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