My close friend/ affair has a long distance relationship

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Hello. I have found myself in quite a mess, and yes I know I brought it on myself. I had been dating this guy for almost 4 years, and I just broke it off with him the other day. It was a long time coming- there was no spark between us and we weren't intimate for about 2 years. I knew I wouldn't marry him, and I also knew he'd never ask. We were staying together because it was comfortable and perhaps we love each other (even still), but certainly we weren't "in love."

 

Well, a year ago I started grad school and met this guy. At first I didn't think anything of him but as the semesters rolled by, and we continued having classes together, I developed a crush. I mentioned once last summer that I had a boyfriend but he left out the part that he has a girlfriend 1000 miles away. He finally told me a few months back that he does have a girlfriend, who he said he's very in love with, and that he's never had these feelings for a woman before (still referring to the gf). I told him that was ok, because I still had a boyfriend. I just wanted to take him around town to show him the city because he doesn't have any friends here with whom he hangs out. At this point it was still a lukewarm crush. We began to hang out once a week after class, which developed into emailing a couple times a week which became emailing/chatting daily for hours each evening. Before I knew it, it was full-fledged emotional affair. You can see why I broke it off with my original boyfriend- obviously this was not fair to him. I can't waste any more of my 20s dating a guy with whom I have no future.

 

So anyway, my crush and I now are spending 3-4 nights a week together, so I guess the next part was inevitable. The emotional affair turned into a physical one. No sex, but he gave me a massage, cuddled with me for hours, told me "this just feels right", and a kiss. I feel horrible for his girlfriend. He doesn't know if he will tell her or not, and I am in no place to give him my opinion. I would like nothing more than to be with this guy, however, if he does love his girlfriend like he told me, then I wouldn't want him to tell her and then she break up with him. I want him to be happy, and if that means with her, then so be it.

 

I know to someone outside of this situation, it looks like he's a rat... well it looks like I'm a rat also. I didn't ask to fall for this guy- it just happened over time. He and I have so much in common- same degree, etc... He's like the male version of me. I really don't think he's a bad guy though. I am usually a pretty good judge of character- I think he's confused as to what/who he wants to be with (although I guess not that confused since he told me he's committed to his girlfriend). I told him I didn't want to lose him, and he said that I haven't lost him and in fact, we're closer than ever and what we shared Monday night was an expression of how he feels about me that he cannot put into words.

 

Am I being blind-sighted? I know you'll all probably tell me to run away from this guy....

[whichwayisup]

He needs to choose between his gfriend or you. Can't have both. You're gonna get hurt bad or the gfriend will.

 

Seeing him isn't right when you know he is committed to somebody else...And the thing is, if you do end up with him, will you be able to trust him??? I mean, what you both are doing right now - How would you like it if he cuddled up with some other girl if you were his girlfriend? See what I'm getting at here? Trust is so fragile and right now I think he's not being far to either of you.

[Treasa]

Unfortunately, sometimes the best decisions to make aren't the ones that make us feel good. For example, I'd love to go calling my boyfriend up right now, but I know that, in the end, that will only make things worse.

 

You may have to experience short-term pain in order to get long-term rewards. You deserve someone who can give himself fully to you, and she deserves to find someone who will only be into her. Try to distance yourself from this guy. Don't call him, don't talk to him, don't answer his calls unless he breaks up with his girlfriend and becomes emotionally free again. Otherwise you're going to be sucked in deeper and deeper, and will end up resenting everyone involved in this, including yourself.

 

Go through the pain that's associated with having to let go. It sucks, but someday you'll be so thankful you did.

[blind_otter]

I don't know that anyone can trip and fall into an affair...you know what you're doing when you do it, you didn't accidentally get a massage, etc.

 

You have to make a choice about what you want to do and how you want to feel. THe only person who you have control over is yourself.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Blind Otter,

 

How does a person go about changing how they feel?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by oh_what_am_I_doing

Blind Otter,

 

How does a person go about changing how they feel?

 

Do you believe your emotions just appear out of nowhere? Are you a feather in the wind, tossed here and there by the impulsivity of your emotional state? There is always a choice. You are always in control of how you react, and nothing else.

[lindya]

I think it's rather telling that he didn't let you know about the girlfriend straight away. Perhaps he encouraged you in this crush - and on hooking you in, let you know he was in a relationship so that he could congratulate himself on having been upfront with you. I wonder if he will be similarly upfront with his girlfriend.

 

You have the advantage over her in that you are close by and available. This kind of situation is common, and one of the reasons long distance relationships rarely work. Is there any likelihood of her coming over to visit? It sounds as if you and he spending a lot of time together, and under the circumstances, he's probably made a number of "casual" references to you in conversations with her. She may well suspect something's up, and be curious to meet you. How will you deal with that if it happens?

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

lindya,

 

He's told his girlfriend all about me. Apparently he talked about me too much, and she became very jealous. She didn't like it that he was spending so much time with me, so that's when the trouble began. He told her his friendship with me was too important to him, and he wasn't giving it up. She finally agreed, but after that he began not being straight with her. When we would hang out, he wouldn't answer her calls nor tell her he was with me. (He said this is to spare her feelings since nothing was happening between us- just talking and hanging out). This jealousy ultimately led to her breaking into his email account and finding my email address, and then she emailed me to tell me he was missing and that if I saw him, he needed to contact his parents right away. (That night we were out pretty late, and she made up the excuse that he was "missing" and the police became involved... it was ugly). From now on, he tells her when he's with me.

 

The odd thing that happened the other night was that I told him I was being set up on a blind date by my mom, and tears welled up in his eyes. I seriously don't get this guy. I know this all sounds so bad, but he really is a dear, dear friend of mine. I tell him everything. I can't imagine losing his friendship. We have classes together (with only about 10 people in the class) and so "breaking it off" is futile. I'll see him nearly every day. *sigh* I know Blind Otter believes you can change your emotions, but I would have to disagree. Yes I know we are in complete control of our behavior and how we act upon our emotions, but I don't see how I can change how I feel about him. I keep picturing all the movies and TV shows where close friends ultimately realize their love for each other and hook up romantically. I wonder if that actually happens in real life.

 

You asked about her perhaps coming up for a visit- here's the weird thing (or I perceive it to be wierd anyway). They rarely visit with each other. Right now we're on break, and he didn't go down to visit her, nor did she come up, and it was a two week break! He said he might go down in July. If I were in that situation, I would make every attempt to go see my significant other when there was time. Oh well; I guess not seeing each other very often is working for them...

[lindya]

This guy must really know how to lay the charm on with a trowel!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by oh_what_am_I_doing

*sigh* I know Blind Otter believes you can change your emotions, but I would have to disagree. Yes I know we are in complete control of our behavior and how we act upon our emotions, but I don't see how I can change how I feel about him. I keep picturing all the movies and TV shows where close friends ultimately realize their love for each other and hook up romantically. I wonder if that actually happens in real life.

 

Fantasy is not reality. Movies and TV shows are fantasy.

 

I don't believe, honey -- I know. I HAD to learn how to control my emotions because I have PTSD, and am currently in treatment for it. One of the issues I had is that certain emotioanl reactions I have are out of proportion to the stimulus because it brings to mind memories of past traumas and can even make me have flashbacks and re-experience the traumas.

 

I learned that I am in control of my own emotions. It's a fact, not a theory. You control yourself. You respect yourself enough to demand that he end his relationship if he wants to be with you. If you don't you get nothing more than scraps, leftovers, a cushion to help him endure the physical separation from his girlfriend. How respectable can he be, how wonderful can he be, if he can't gird his loins and break up with his girlfriend if he is so enamored of you?

 

How different the world would be if we all demanded the respect we deserve?