Resisting Hate

[Jetsetgo]

It's unfortunate because there's nothing you can do about it, you were lied to and she decieved you. You two were not on the same level, say you're on level A and she's on B, level B may be normal for her like what she did to you, but you will never understand level B because youre on level A.

 

The good news is that it didn't happen to you later, a force has shown you earlier in your life that this happened you should be thankful for that, now you won't be stuck later on in life when it may hurt more.

 

Every relationship and experience is a growth stage for your life. Learn from this and move forward

[Toodaloo]

What interests me is that I don't wish her catastrophic things. I don't want the dude to beat her. I don't even really want her to get a divorce.

 

I just want her to feel a gnawing and profound regret. I want her to stare up at the ceiling and wonder "what did I give up, and what did I gain?" and have a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach that it was a horrible trade.

 

If he were to cheat now and then I might consider that OK.

 

You may not know it but trust me. When she is covered in baby puke, exhausted, feeling fat and unattractive, she will think this.

 

She is a "flitter" so of course she will.

 

Don't worry about that - just worry about yourself.

[K2z]

When she is covered in baby puke, exhausted, feeling fat and unattractive, she will think this.

 

This gave me a bit of a smile.

 

The thought of her raising a family with someone else is, of course, quite saddening. That was supposed to be me!

 

But, just a few months ago it's a thought that would have had me chasing vodka shots with my thumb in a crumpled heap. These days, the thought just kind of bounces off my head like a tennis ball. I like to think that is progress.

[ExtraSpice]

Hate is normal. Might as well use it to your advantage. Hate can be a strong motivator for self improvement. Whether it is a good thing to use it as such, I don't know. I think it is okay as long as you don't let it swallow you. Because eventually you will have to let it go.

 

I think you should recognize what you feel as legitimate, don't fight it and let the process takes it course.

[CDJ]

So I was speaking to a life coach about this the other day (decided to move away from the psychotherapy as felt I'd got what I needed from it, and it was costing an absolute bomb), and he said something that resonated with me.

 

He explained that I shouldn't be aiming for forgiveness, but acceptance. It doesn't matter how I feel about my ex any more (ie. whether I can hate her or not); what's important is that I am able to accept what happened, accept that it's over, accept that I didn't do much wrong, etc.

 

It's very difficult to visualise or conceptualise what 'acceptance' is, but I do understand what he means. I guess it will become clearer the close we move towards it?

 

I've always felt forgiveness was an overrated virtue, anyway.

[K2z]

I agree with the general sentiment here.

 

In this scenario, there is neither revenge nor kumbaya.

 

And yet, by human nature, somehow I keep waiting for some kind of shoe to drop. Some sort of denouement of the narrative. Like a dog waiting by the door for a dead owner, I suppose I will never be satisfied.

 

I guess part of the nausea comes from the banality. She's too busy not being with me to think about me. That's just kind of gross.

[Nightwriter]

You probably actually don't hate her. You want her to see what she did and feel remorse. You want her to be a person that she probably is not and so it makes you frustrated and angry. My ex cheated on me and I had hoped that she would be remorseful but so far 4 months later, she has been everything but remorseful (at least outwardly). In reality, many people seem to have very poor self awareness and empathy for how their actions affect others. In the end, many people are all about number one, and really are bad relationship material. When things go sour, they won't stick with you thick and thin. Both your ex and my ex are likely this way.

[Redhead14]

A little more than a year ago, my ex left our shared home for a "three month visit" to her sister in Europe.

 

A few months and an avalanche of lies later, she was married to a man from the same European country.

 

Of course there are two sides to every story -- but for the narrow purposes of this thread grant me the benefit of the doubt that I am legitimate in saying I was deceived and betrayed in an extremely heartless manner.

 

The biggest of my emotional wounds have begun to scab. I function in a way I never thought I would again. I no longer wish to drink myself to death, for example.

 

What I struggle with these days is a strong desire to hate her.

 

To be clear: there is no revenge scenario that would not turn me into a serious stalker or creep, so that's a road I neither can nor want to go down.

 

It's just an inner hate. I remember her through a lens of fury and disgust. And I have serious doubts as to whether that will subside.

 

Or, will it?

 

This is a grieving process. It has an ebb and flow and everyone has a different "schedule" and length of time to process. It is important to allow yourself to feel whatever feelings come up and do it in a healthy way. Some people find it useful to set aside a period of time each day when a particular emotion is coming to the surface -- say, 15 minutes to half an hour to sit with that emotion. Think about it, cry, scream, journal whatever you want to do at the time. At the end of that time, you just make yourself stop. It takes resolve but it can be done. When that period of time is over, you MAKE yourself get up and do something else, anything else, but do it. You need to be patient and kind to yourself. If you do this religiously, you will find that you need less and less time until eventually you don't need to do that anymore.

 

You should also tell yourself that this person showed you who they were and have no right to/nor do they deserve to consume any of your time and energy in the here and now. The past is the past. Leave it there and don't let it infringe/interfere or color the present or your future. Take YOU back. Don't let her have any part of you anymore.

[Zapbasket]

A little more than a year ago, my ex left our shared home for a "three month visit" to her sister in Europe.

 

A few months and an avalanche of lies later, she was married to a man from the same European country.

 

Of course there are two sides to every story -- but for the narrow purposes of this thread grant me the benefit of the doubt that I am legitimate in saying I was deceived and betrayed in an extremely heartless manner.

 

The biggest of my emotional wounds have begun to scab. I function in a way I never thought I would again. I no longer wish to drink myself to death, for example.

 

What I struggle with these days is a strong desire to hate her.

 

To be clear: there is no revenge scenario that would not turn me into a serious stalker or creep, so that's a road I neither can nor want to go down.

 

It's just an inner hate. I remember her through a lens of fury and disgust. And I have serious doubts as to whether that will subside.

 

Or, will it?

 

It does subside. But you may never again think well of her, or have positive memories of her (or any memories of happy times will be gobbled up by the Giant Squid of the reality of her deceit and indifference to your feelings).

 

My ex of 2009 spurred the worst hate I've ever had toward anyone or anything. I seriously had fantasies of gunning him down with the AR-15 shotgun that, in my fantasy, I had on hand at all times, in the passenger seat of my car, ready to blast the sh*t out of his short, pathetic little body if he dared come into my sight.

 

I knew my fantasy was so out there that I'd never act on it, but the level of rage I felt scared me. I thought, there's no way this kind of anger can be healthy. At the same time, I knew the anger was justified. In an effort to take care of ME, I signed up at a Bikram yoga studio for a month, and went to the 1.5-hour class twice a day. In the hot room, focusing on holding each in a sequence of 13 poses (or 26? I've forgotten), the mental discipline combined with the physical hardship of the heat and the poses burned out my anger. After a month, I felt only a cold, empty space toward my ex where my hatred had once festered.

 

Now, all these years later, no, I do not harbor fond memories of him. Of course there were good times that are logged in my memory, but they're overshadowed by the reality I now see of who he was. I reached a point, somewhere over the years, where I truly don't care what he is up to or anything about him. I would rather I'd never known him, but I don't harbor that regret with any real intensity anymore, either. I did know him, unfortunately, but that is my past, and I just don't care.

 

You will get there. Just feel what you feel and let it burn itself out of you. If you need to take up kickboxing or shooting at targets (blown-up photos of your ex-gf's head, perhaps?) at a shooting range to help with this process, have at it: it's not unhealthy if you don't deny it (and of course, don't carry out any angry fantasies towards her, which doesn't sound like a possibility with you).

[K2z]

I'm extremely impressed and grateful with the quality of feedback I've received here.

 

It's quite a relief to know that other people feel the churn that I have been going through, and that for them, too, it's not a one dimensional hate.

 

I'm so proud of myself for sending her a final note while the pain was still fresh (and her marriage was only a month in) saying that there is no chance of being friends, and that these are my final words to her. It's the one shred of dignity I was able to take back for myself as far as she is concerned, and the words I used seem well measured even to this day.

 

The AK47 car fantasy is hilarious by the way.

[BC1980]

What interests me is that I don't wish her catastrophic things. I don't want the dude to beat her. I don't even really want her to get a divorce.

 

I just want her to feel a gnawing and profound regret. I want her to stare up at the ceiling and wonder "what did I give up, and what did I gain?" and have a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach that it was a horrible trade.

 

If he were to cheat now and then I might consider that OK.

 

It was so hard for me to realize that my ex likely felt a fraction of the hurt I did. It doesn't seem fair does it? It sort of goes against our need for things to be fair and equitable. I wished so badly that he would suffer the emotional pain to the same depth as me, but it just doesn't work like that. But you know what, even if our exes did suffer like us, it wouldn't change what happened. And isn't that what we all really want? To change what happened.

[Been]

Hates ok as long as you don't let it control you or you act out on it.

My ex screwed me over BAD. I don't WISH anything bad on her because I don't care one way or another. Kinda like she's not a person.

I'll post a funny story latter when I have time to give you an example of what I'm talking about.

[K2z]

I look forward to the story.

 

And it is likely true that I don't hate or detest HER -- in fact, none of this would bother me at all if I didn't still love her.

 

I detest her decisions-- which I know, deep down, I helped to spark by being indecisive about marriage. So I am hating on myself, in a way.

 

The earlier comment was spot on about the asymmetry of pain... what is maddening is to know how much anguish I have been through recently, while she has quite probably been going through her early days of the new marriage blithely planning where they will put the nursery.