patriotsgirl Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Here's a little background. When I was a baby my sister was murdered by her bf bc she broke up w him. I shared that w my fiancé. He knows I was left without a sister. I also told him I felt like I was cheated of a mother bc she was depressed throughout my childhood. He always tells offensive jokes. I have a dark sense of humor and I can be insensitive at times. But this time I think he took it too far. His friend asked if I had a sister he could date. He said you have to dig her up. I find that incredibly offensive. He apologized. Even though it's been months since his apology I still think about his comment whenever I think about my sister. Idk if I'll ever get over it but idk if I should throw away my relationship. 1
Maggie4 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Did he know it was incredibly offensive and cruel immediate after he said it? Or did you have to point that out? Did he apologize because you said something, or did he apologize because immediately after saying it, he regretted it and wanted to slap himself? If this guy doesn't see how wrong it is, he is not partner material. 5
Author patriotsgirl Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 Did he know it was incredibly offensive and cruel immediate after he said it? Or did you have to point that out? Did he apologize because you said something, or did he apologize because immediately after saying it, he regretted it and wanted to slap himself? If this guy doesn't see how wrong it is, he is not partner material. He made the comment to his friend in a text then told me about it. I immediately became angry. Then he apologized. He shared the comment w me as if it would be ok so apparently he didn't think it was wrong until I said something. I will never know if he was really sorry. 1
SoleMate Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Wow, that's really horrible. To turn the most painful loss of your life into crass humor. At the very least, this deserves to be worked through. I letting your bf know that this remark of his continues to haunt you and cause you pain, and ask if he's willing to do a 6-step apology to you. This is based on the idea that often an apology that consists of simply "I'm sorry" and "I'm really sorry" and "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry" just isn't satisfying and doesn't put the matter to rest. http://www.bobarron.com/how-to-give-a-real-apology-in-6-steps/ Or if that link is not permissible, just search for "6 step apology". If he is truly sorry and truly wants to reduce your pain, and also put this matter behind both of you, he'll do it. You may also want to ask him if he's willing to do something with you to honor your sister's memory....maybe help you with a collage or a video, or visit a special place with flowers and spend time listening to your stories of her, or whatever tangible activity would show you his respect for her memory. Hugs, best wishes. 2
Jabron1 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 That's a really stupid thing to say. But words are cheap, and we all drop clangers sometimes. If it was a sincere apology, you should forgive and forget. But it should never happen again. Make it clear that your family is not a joke to him. 3
Maggie4 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 He made the comment to his friend in a text then told me about it. I immediately became angry. Then he apologized. He shared the comment w me as if it would be ok so apparently he didn't think it was wrong until I said something. I will never know if he was really sorry. That's even worse :-( 2
GemmaUK Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 I've lost both my parents (long time ago) and have had many comments from people about them that I have found offensive. Wierdly I feel able to make that kind of a joke on rare occasions so if the person I said it to makes the same kind of a joke I can't take offence a I have set the precedent. Have you ever made that kind of comment to him? If the rest of your RS is good and this was a one off then I wouldn't sweat it. He did apologise. 2
Arieswoman Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 patriotsgirl, "His friend asked if I had a sister he could date. He said you have to dig her up." ^^^ That is the most horrible, grossly offensive and insensitive remark I have heard for some time. If you haven't already shown him the door, please do so. As a personal example of this ; My (ex)H and I moved house to a new property and shortly after that our cat got run over, and I was heartbroken. When someone at work asked him how he was getting on with the new garden he told them that the only thing he had planted in it so far was the cat. He thought it was witty. I didn't. I told him he was insensitive and he said "It's only a bloody cat FFS". This was only one of many comments that highlighted his insensitivity and lack of empathy. Don't do what I did, stay with him, make excuses for him, think you are "too sensitive" etc. Get out now before you're too deeply invested. 1
spriggan2 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Lol he told you AFTERWARD to brag about it? Uh...it's really tough to say. Does he generally have the sensitivity to know what's appropriate to joke about? Thats very important for those with dark humor imo. Is he the type of person to respect another person's private history and understand when he's qualified to make inside jokes? Is his humor typically tactfully delivered? Is he typically aware of when he crosses the line and hurts people, especially you? Does he learn and adjust to your boundaries? These are the questions I would be asking of an S.O. who isnt a politically correct type...Sensitivity and signs of self reflection, empathy etc... 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Here's a little background. When I was a baby my sister was murdered by her bf bc she broke up w him. I shared that w my fiancé. He knows I was left without a sister. I also told him I felt like I was cheated of a mother bc she was depressed throughout my childhood. He always tells offensive jokes. I have a dark sense of humor and I can be insensitive at times. But this time I think he took it too far. His friend asked if I had a sister he could date. He said you have to dig her up. I find that incredibly offensive. He apologized. Even though it's been months since his apology I still think about his comment whenever I think about my sister. Idk if I'll ever get over it but idk if I should throw away my relationship. Believe it or not, and I do NOT condone this, something I'd never do, but a lot of women wind up being attracted to men like this. Not sure why, but I think this is where the "bad boy" comes into play. 2
Erdbeere Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Here's a little background. When I was a baby my sister was murdered by her bf bc she broke up w him. I shared that w my fiancé. He knows I was left without a sister. I also told him I felt like I was cheated of a mother bc she was depressed throughout my childhood. He always tells offensive jokes. I have a dark sense of humor and I can be insensitive at times. But this time I think he took it too far. His friend asked if I had a sister he could date. He said you have to dig her up. I find that incredibly offensive. He apologized. Even though it's been months since his apology I still think about his comment whenever I think about my sister. Idk if I'll ever get over it but idk if I should throw away my relationship. He apologised, which you presumably accepted, so why are you bringing this up again? If you accepted his apology, let sleeping dogs lie. If this was an isolated incident, you are at fault for obsessing over this, because a relationship between 2 flawed people will involve mistakes and learning to be a better partner. If this was not an isolated incident, what is it about him and the relationship you don't think is working? 6
jen1447 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Here's a little background. When I was a baby my sister was murdered by her bf bc she broke up w him. I shared that w my fiancé. He knows I was left without a sister. I also told him I felt like I was cheated of a mother bc she was depressed throughout my childhood. He always tells offensive jokes. I have a dark sense of humor and I can be insensitive at times. But this time I think he took it too far. His friend asked if I had a sister he could date. He said you have to dig her up. I find that incredibly offensive. He apologized. Even though it's been months since his apology I still think about his comment whenever I think about my sister. Idk if I'll ever get over it but idk if I should throw away my relationship. If it bothers you that much you should let him go regardless of whether he was 'right or wrong.' Your sensibilities are your sensibilities and you really don't have to test them against anyone else's standards. If it was me he'd have been gone instantly. I'm not tender-hearted but it indicates to me a lack of fundamental respect that I wouldn't tolerate for a second. 4
Satu Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 If I were in your situation he would have been gone 10 minutes after making that comment. Its insensitive and disrespectful to a degree thats hard to grasp. He would get no pardon from me. 3
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 If it bothers you that much you should let him go regardless of whether he was 'right or wrong.' Your sensibilities are your sensibilities and you really don't have to test them against anyone else's standards. If it was me he'd have been gone instantly. I'm not tender-hearted but it indicates to me a lack of fundamental respect that I wouldn't tolerate for a second. I tend to agree, it was crass comment that could have been made without thinking if he was drunk perhaps, but he needed to spend a little time typing that into his phone so he should at that stage have filtered it out, but then he shared it with OP like he was proud of it and that she would be so amused... Hmmm... A lack of empathy, never a good sign. 3
jen1447 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 If I were in your situation he would have been gone 10 minutes after making that comment. Its insensitive and disrespectful to a degree thats hard to grasp. He would get no pardon from me. Truth. It's one of those things that has no wiggle room IMO. I tend to agree, it was crass comment that could have been made without thinking if he was drunk perhaps, but he needed to spend a little time typing that into his phone so he should at that stage have filtered it out, but then he shared it with OP like he was proud of it and that she would be so amused... Hmmm... A lack of empathy, never a good sign. Even worse IMO is a lack of maturity. Some ppl say that kind of stuff out of ignorance that it'd be offensive, meaning they don't really understand death and haven't been around and still think certain death-related scenarios can be kinda funny. Anybody who's worn the shoes knows they're not, so at best this guy is just a dope who needs to grow up a bit before taking on an adult relationship. (At worst he's sth of a sick F who maybe genuinely thinks corpses in the ground are funny.) 2
strawberryshortstack Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 He made the comment to his friend in a text then told me about it. I immediately became angry. Then he apologized. He shared the comment w me as if it would be ok so apparently he didn't think it was wrong until I said something. I will never know if he was really sorry. If he'd said it in your presence, immediately realized how distasteful it was, and apologized profusely, I'd say forgive and forget. But this... this is rubbing it in your face. That's unforgivable.
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