saab1211 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Hello everybody, I've been dating this girl for a little almost 2 months now and everything has seemingly gone very well up til about 4 days ago. We have been seeing each other on "dates" 2-3 times a week since we met and we have always had an awesome time together. Sexually we havn't gone past making out and touching/massaging eachother, which is just fine as we are both in our mid 20's and are much mature in our outlook in relationships. However, last weekend things took a stange twist and have left me very confused much of this week. last sunday I invited her to a get together where she met a couple of my friends from college and their girlfriends. It was a 1.5 hour car ride each way and the whole time she was very quiet and reserved. she didn't seem to want to talk to me at all, and all her responses to my questions and attempts to starting conversations were met by a one word, yes or no type answer. She did liven up and was very sociable with my friends, but the car ride home was the same strange dynamics. I havn't seen here since last weekend, but did send her an email for her to read monday when she got to work. I thanked her for coming along and also asked if something was wrong or if she was feeling ill because she didn't seem herself the other day. She replied with a "dear John" letter stating that i was a nice guy and that she was feeling uncomfortable with the relationship and that i would be better off finding a new girl to date. Wow, i was floored because i thought all was well with us an that email blindsided me. I wrote her back saying i was confused and wanted to atleast talk on the phone or see eachother again as i didn't want to break up with an email. She wrote back saying that she is being treated with depression and has been for the past year. she says she has wanted to tell me so many times in the last month but didnt know how to tell me or how i'd respond. but she didsay she needed space to sort things out and still wants to still talk to me. she also said that about a week ago she changed meds and that was making her feel strange. I don't know what to do. I want to very much still be a part of her romantic life and enjoy being around her so much. I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my situation and help me sort through some of my feelings. I want to know what it means whe she says she needs some space to sort things out. how much time does it take? days, weeks, months? Just lloking for ideas. thanks!
miss fortune Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Coming from someone who also has been treated for depression for 5 yrs now, I can tell you that what shes experiencing is not unusual. Her body's chemicals are all out of whack and it probably makes her feel really unsociable and unattractive, which would explain her feeling the need to ask for space from you. She probably doesnt want to disappoint you. I dont know how severe her case is, seeing as there are many levels/types of depression. I would say, though, that perhaps you should just give her some space and see what happens. I know its hard to back away when you are having such a good time, but you also have to respect her wishes and her needs. I wouldnt doubt this is just a bout of ill feelings and it'll soon pass. But please keep in mind that it is not her fault, she cannot help it, and its not a disease. Changing meds can be extremely draining and can often make you feel sick - literally. Other than that, without knowing her or her personality traits I cant give much else insight. I can say that it probably wasnt in her or your best interest for her to break the news to you over an email, that's kind of disrespectful to the relationship IMO. But maybe she doesnt see it that way. At least she didnt just fall off the face of the earth and she tried to let you in on a very personal, and sometimes embaressing, aspect of her life. **also, theres no way of predicting how long it may take her to heal and feel like herself again. Again its all relative to her meds and body type and the actual severity. I would just keep in mind that if its meant to be, it will be. Patience WILL pay off.
Author saab1211 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 thank you so much for your response. I talked to her on the phone tonight and she re-affirmed that she did not want to be in a romantic relationship with me any longer. She said we can be friends and "still talk and stuff" as she still needs time to sort out her feelings. I'm still confused as things were going so well with us less than a week ago. I still care very much for her and do value the friendship that we have. I do wonder if I'm capable of being just friends with her. I don't want to be fooling myself into thinking that patience will pay off, but i still do care about her. I don't know how to go about being just a friend without my romantic feelings getting in the way. I'm also wondering if she really did loose the attraction and chemistry the two of us had or if she is scared of rejection so she dumped me first. Is there any way to ever really tell? Its just seems strange that she went hot to cold in the relationship in under a week. any other insight or opinions would be appreciated!
lindya Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Depression can sometimes make it difficult for a person to feel much of anything. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from it, because you really can feel as if you're failing in some way. Also, it can be hard to know which aspects of their behaviour stem from the depression, and which parts are "just them". This can occasionally lead to the inexcusable being excused. From her point of view, she may feel as if she doesn't have much to offer anyone else while she's suffering from this. There's also the fear of not being able to cope with all the ups and downs that romantic involvement can bring. What you don't want is to get involved in being the "listening ear" to someone you have these feelings for, because the desire to rescue them and somehow make them better will lead to interminable frustration and heartache. Love is a great short term antidote to depression, but counselling and medical treatment is what's really needed to bring about long term change. I think your best bet is to tell her that you appreciate the honesty and are sorry she's going through such a rough patch just now. That you don't want to retract the hand of friendship, but at the same time you have strong feelings for her and would find it much too difficult and frustrating to be unable to act on these.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by saab1211 I've been dating this girl for a little almost 2 months now Sexually we havn't gone past making out and touching/massaging eachother Read the two stmts above SAAB1211....this woman is just not that into you and she's using her medical problem to get out of the relationship. A woman who is into you will usually sleep with you far sooner than 2 months.
Author saab1211 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 alpha- thanks for your insight. for what its worth i could have shagged her at about the 3rd date... and it almost happened too. I actually stopped it because i've "been there, done that" with other relationships and I wanted this one to be different and not add that extra dimension quite so fast. I do believe she is very much into me, as things so suddenly went awry in the relationship. up til a few days ago she was calling me everyday and we were hanging out alot. I dont think someone looses feeings for someone as fast as you can shut off the light switch. after thinking it over and doing a bit of soul searching i do want her to be a friend and want her companionship. we do have so much in common and i do believe we can still have a fun time doing things as just friends. Afterall, we had already talked about doing many things this summer like going to the science museum, zoo, and even roller coasters at the amusement park. I think that all these activites can be done as friends, dont you? Plus i don't have many female friends and i do value her female perspective on things. Yeah, it will be hard to repress my romantic feelings, but if i dont try i will not know and will probably be left forever wondering. I think that some of the best relationsips in the world begin as strong friendships. thanks again and if anyone else wants to chime in and add their .02 please feel free!
westernxer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by miss fortune Her body's chemicals are all out of whack and it probably makes her feel really unsociable and unattractive, which would explain her feeling the need to ask for space from you. She probably doesnt want to disappoint you. Girls will use this excuse even when they're not taking meds... look at some of the other threads and see for yourself.
jellybean Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale a woman who is into you will usually sleep with you far sooner than 2 months. Taking anti-depressants can lower a person's sex drive.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by jellybean Taking anti-depressants can lower a person's sex drive. Incorrect JELLYBEAN....tricyclic anti-depressants and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) do not affect your sex drive at all. It is the underlying depression that can affect your sex drive. SSRIs are notorious, however, for inhibiting or delaying orgasms.
jellybean Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale INCORRECT JELLYBEAN Um, gosh....I feel like I've just been severely scolded
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 I don't know what to do. I want to very much still be a part of her romantic life and enjoy being around her so much. I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my situation and help me sort through some of my feelings. I want to know what it means whe she says she needs some space to sort things out. how much time does it take? days, weeks, months? Just lloking for ideas. thanks! I suggest you google depression and do some research on this. Check out some websites and maybe get her to join (and you can too) a health website (feel free to PM me, I can send you some good ones) to get some help. Understanding her depression and just being there for her - Knowing her issues have nothing to do with you or the relationship, it's just the way she is. Also check out for reading purposing depressionfallout. That site is helpful for those dealing with depressed spouses, it is abit scary, so don't let that upset you - but the info is very useful. I guess you need to figure out how much you love this woman and if you can deal with her ups and downs. Certain times of the year are worse...When daylightsavings time happens, (Oct) to about December because of the light and being inside, stress times, like Christmas (I don't know what brings on her depression but this could make her depression worse or make her feel down) and also any big changes going on in her life too. It took ALOT out of her to come clean with you as depression, anxiety etc can really take over one's life and push people away. It's hard, very hard at times, but if you DO love her and can understand her, get her help (Therapy) she will always appreciate that and know you're a positive in her life. Hope this helps, feel free to ask me anything. I have an anxiety disorder and am prone to S.A.D in the winter months too.
blind_otter Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup I suggest you google depression and do some research on this. Check out some websites and maybe get her to join (and you can too) a health website (feel free to PM me, I can send you some good ones) to get some help. Understanding her depression and just being there for her - Knowing her issues have nothing to do with you or the relationship, it's just the way she is. Also check out for reading purposing depressionfallout. That site is helpful for those dealing with depressed spouses, it is abit scary, so don't let that upset you - but the info is very useful. I guess you need to figure out how much you love this woman and if you can deal with her ups and downs. Certain times of the year are worse...When daylightsavings time happens, (Oct) to about December because of the light and being inside, stress times, like Christmas (I don't know what brings on her depression but this could make her depression worse or make her feel down) and also any big changes going on in her life too. It took ALOT out of her to come clean with you as depression, anxiety etc can really take over one's life and push people away. It's hard, very hard at times, but if you DO love her and can understand her, get her help (Therapy) she will always appreciate that and know you're a positive in her life. Hope this helps, feel free to ask me anything. I have an anxiety disorder and am prone to S.A.D in the winter months too. Disagree (no offense intended). It is her responsibility to take care of herself and her feelings are her own. He cannot and should not shoulder the responsibility for treating her mental issues. Understanding is one thing. But she must deal with it on her own terms. This is NOT HIS PROBLEM. You cannot "get her help" -- she has to "get HERSELF help". Otherwise it doesn't work. I speak from the experience of being treated for PTSD and rape trauma syndrome for the past 8 years. I f***ed up many relationships because I would codependently put the responsibility of my issues and happiness on others' shoulders. Only now at this point in my therapeutic process am I an active participant with motivation to get better FOR ME. Only now do I realize that that is the only person who I can or should work to get better for - for me and me alone. Healthy relationships follow naturally. Otherwise you will enter a pattern of caretaker/giver - and the poison that lies therein is obviousin JMargel's posts.
Author saab1211 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 again, thanks everyone for your thoughts. For what its worth, she is seeing 2 therapists for her depression. one is for talk therapy once every 3 weeks and the other is a drug therapist. This thereapy has been going on for about 1 year she says. she was on wellbutrin upto last thursday when she stopped taking the meds all together. She had been having bad side effects with stress including lots of insomnia. I'm wondering if stopping that particular med last week is a ligitimate reason for her seemingly instant change in feeling for me. Still confused with the whole situation but have resolved to be just friends with her. I talked on the phone this morning with her and she is cool with still talking and hanging out only as friends. I put the ball in her court and told her to call me when she wants to go and do something or just have coffee. I'm out of ideas for now. thanks again and i'll try to keep everyone posted on our progress.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by saab1211 I talked on the phone this morning with her and she is cool with still talking and hanging out only as friends. I don't recommend going the "friends" route with her. Start to look for another woman ASAP.
miss fortune Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 she was on wellbutrin upto last thursday when she stopped taking the meds all together. She had been having bad side effects with stress including lots of insomnia. I'm wondering if stopping that particular med last week is a ligitimate reason for her seemingly instant change in feeling for me. WHAT! She stopped taking wellbutrin altogether!?!! That is a VERY bad thing to do, her Dr. should have weaned her off of that med - it can cause seizures and all kinds of horrible sick effects when your body goes in to shock from the lack of it in your system. Do a quick search on google and look up "wellbutrin side effects" and you'll see what I mean. Yes, this can definitely be a reason for her sudden change of mood. Now it all makes sense!!!
Author saab1211 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 I don't know if she was slowly weaned from it or what since all this depression talk came up in the last few days. all i know is that she was taking 20mg tabs once a day. both her and her doctor agreed that she should go off it and see if she can handle things. thats about all i know on the meds. has anyone here been on wellbutrin? what were some of you own presonal side effects while on and off the drug? do these symptoms of hers sound about right? Thanks again
RecordProducer Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 I must say that I got the impression that doctors in the US prescribe medications that affect the brain and cause addiction just like that. Depression is a very serious illness and just because someone feels depressed doesn't mean it's clinical depression. As to this girl, you need to talk to her and be persistent if you want to stay in her life. Sometimes women need time to figure out that the guy is great and makes them feel good. Men think that for women love is all visual just like it is for a man. One look at the woman's face and figure is enough for a guy to say "I m interested." Well it's not for a woman. Now that she told you about her problem, she withdrew, it's a defense step. It's up to you to initiate the contact and show her that you can listen, help, and be there when she needs you. If you want to go for it then do it. It's possible that she is not so much into you, but only she knows the truth and you can sense it if you open your eyes. The best way is to simply talk to her and ask her.
guest Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 i agree with alpha. i dated a girl once who was into therapy and on anti-depressants. believe me, they will turn on you in a heart beat, and you can never do enuf to please her or satisfy her. It may not be her fault, but it is her problem and will make your life miserable. you will want to help and believe that you are her answer, but there is no answer. you will eventually feel like the perpetual giver, and she the eternal taker. she will also use this depression and herapy junk as a crutch to explain away and justify her actions. like alpha said, cut your losses and seek another. YOU derserve better for your life.
Jones19 Posted June 18, 2005 Posted June 18, 2005 saab1211 Im kinda in the same situation as you,how did it go do you stay friends and stick with her or break up for good?
Author saab1211 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 hey jones19, I dont know how things are going... We still havent seen eachother since the infamous email break-up. However we have talked a couple times on the phone right after the email and it wasn't for very long, maybe 15 minutes more or less deciding if we can be just friends. almost 2 weeks have passed and hadn't heard from her. a couple days ago I shot her an email wondering how the last few weeks had been and told her to call me if she wanted to talk. Well tonight i had a message on my cell from her saying she wanted to talk. i called her up and we talked for a little over an hour! strange, but the conversation flowed very well and there was only an awkward pause when it was time to hang up. We are both out of town on business til the weekend, but i am considering asking her to coffee or something neutral and not very date like just to see her again and see if there is still a connection. I dont know if she is still into me or if she is just being a friend. I will keep you posted. How is your situation?
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