He's "fading"...

February 10, 2016

I don't know if he was playing playful but he kept bringing up massages. I think anybody who has the audacity to bring up the topic of massages is trying to imply something sexual. Granted we were talking about his back issues. He made mention of having spinal stosis(?) or something, and I had to google that.

So last night, after he texted just to say hi, he brought up the massage thing again. We texted about his work and he is said he did more reading than crunching numbers at his accounting firm. So I made a joke that if he wanted help I could help him with a dictionary. He replied " Well, google would be faster. I am looking for massages."

My only response was "Well, you can always use Google maps to find the best massage parlour in our area".

I also straight up told him that I don't know what he was trying to imply but I will not be giving any massages.

And he played it off saying that he was trying to get me to crack?

My response, "haha, and I was just about to block you because you kept bringing it up".

So yes, I am beginning to get a little disheartened that he kept pursuing something that I have no interest in.

Maybe he isn't boyfriend, let alone dating material.

^^^This post says it all....

He was looking for massages (sex)..... you're weren't interested, and conveyed that.....he tried to get you to crack....you didn't..... he then figured you're too much work ....and has now chosen to set his sights on a woman who is easier and wants what he wants -- massages and sex.

It's so obvious to me this is what happened.... OP, forget about him, you had one date. He wants sex (sooner rather than later)....you don't. The end.

February 10, 2016

^^^This post says it all....

He was looking for massages (sex)..... you're weren't interested, and conveyed that.....he tried to get you to crack....you didn't..... he then figured you're too much work ....and has now chosen to set his sights on a woman who is easier and wants what he wants -- massages and sex.

It's so obvious to me this is what happened.... OP, forget about him, you had one date. He wants sex (sooner rather than later)....you don't. The end.

Bingo. He tested you, saw an easy lay was not in his future, and moved on.

February 10, 2016

Yes that did happen butbthe next day after thst incident we got on fairly well again in text. He also texted me after work the next day. Except the conversations just started dying off after that. Maybe he found another girl online. I dont know because I know I didnt do anything wrong.

February 10, 2016

Yes that did happen butbthe next day after thst incident we got on fairly well again in text. He also texted me after work the next day. Except the conversations just started dying off after that. Maybe he found another girl online. I dont know because I know I didnt do anything wrong.

I hate that - the text bread crumb, just to test if you're still around and talking, then once you are, they suddenly go quiet. In turn I've gone quiet on them and then days later got "...you're quiet..." - seriously?.. really?..

From what you said, and it's obvious you have made the effort and his response about massage, I think you need to fade away yourself now. If he texts, either ignore or reply back with very little like you're too busy or not bothered. I hate when people, adults, play games with others.

February 10, 2016

Yes that did happen butbthe next day after thst incident we got on fairly well again in text. He also texted me after work the next day. Except the conversations just started dying off after that. Maybe he found another girl online. I dont know because I know I didnt do anything wrong.

you cannot create chemistry, you cannot create interest by yourself. It's something organic. The big lesson is to learn to accept & let go. Sucks, but it's the abstract reality.

February 10, 2016

Yes that did happen butbthe next day after thst incident we got on fairly well again in text. He also texted me after work the next day. Except the conversations just started dying off after that. Maybe he found another girl online. I dont know because I know I didnt do anything wrong.

Of course he texted you the next day, he didn't want to come off as a total dyck.

But the convos started dying after that because, again, he wanted massages/sex, and since you didn't... he's moved on to a chick who does.

You did nothing wrong, you just want different things.

Sorry though

Edited February 10, 2016 by katiegrl

February 11, 2016

So guys I am going to agree that it was best for me to move on however, he reached out today to me around lunch time to apologize for being so busy. Work has been getting busier for him and he had a small get-together last night at his new house.

Again, still no plans for us to really go out again but we texted back and forth with light banter.

I'm really confused about this dynamic between us. He makes me seem like he is interested and even offering to cook me dinner but I dont even know if he is using me to pass his time.

He is working overtime tonight until 9:30. Should I just wait and see how things play out?

Im already talking to other people cause Im really trying to raise my expectations thinking this guy's the be all end all of things.

February 11, 2016

So guys I am going to agree that it was best for me to move on however, he reached out today to me around lunch time to apologize for being so busy. Work has been getting busier for him and he had a small get-together last night at his new house.

Again, still no plans for us to really go out again but we texted back and forth with light banter.

I'm really confused about this dynamic between us.

You're on his backburner... in case whomever he's seeing now (and having sex with) doesn't work out.

That's my best guess anyway.

Pretty common.

February 11, 2016

You're on his backburner... in case whomever he's seeing now (and having sex with) doesn't work out.

That's my best guess anyway.

Pretty common.

I agree. It sounds like he's stringing her along, keeping her on the hook.

Not sure what his endgame is, maybe he's not either, but you should probably not respond the next time he pokes you with a stick.

February 11, 2016

So guys I am going to agree that it was best for me to move on however, he reached out today to me around lunch time to apologize for being so busy. Work has been getting busier for him and he had a small get-together last night at his new house.

Again, still no plans for us to really go out again but we texted back and forth with light banter.

I'm really confused about this dynamic between us. He makes me seem like he is interested and even offering to cook me dinner but I dont even know if he is using me to pass his time.

He is working overtime tonight until 9:30. Should I just wait and see how things play out?

Im already talking to other people cause Im really trying to raise my expectations thinking this guy's the be all end all of things.

You need to STOP texting back and forth with him, unless you are happily going to accept being texting buddies.

If he wants to date you, he's going to make efforts to do it.

Just texting and bantering doesn't mean anything. I think it's all that bantering that got you to the point where you feel attached to a guy you've only met one time.

I think you should drop the chatting. If he asks you out, of course you should go since you clearly like him a lot! But you already have WAY way too much emotional investment in a person who's not in your life in any real way.

Stop texting!!

February 11, 2016

You're on his backburner... in case whomever he's seeing now (and having sex with) doesn't work out.

That's my best guess anyway.

Pretty common.

I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just too busy. We are both Chinese and the past 2-3 days were Chinese New Years celebration. He works 6 days /week for tax season and Sunday he was with family. So I can try to be understanding. Like today and most of this evening he has been pretty consistent with replying to me.

It doesnt seem like he is dating or seeing anyone else but I can not know for sure since we both met on a online dating app.

Since this coming weekend is going to be Valentine's Day, should I just continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?

I'm not begging or out-right chasing him. After all we did spent 2 months simply texting and trying to know each other before meeting up. He's been nice (minus the massage conversation) and he sends me texts of foods from time to time (since we talk about ourvfavorite foods alot).

He did tell me one night thst he has alot of things going on right now. He just moved into his new house on a mortgage, and he hasn't fully decorated it the way he wants. He also wants to study for his CPA license but hasn't really settled down to opening his books. If someone has so much going on in their lives right now, I think its safe to say thinking about another date is out of the question?

With all that, I have dsted a alot of people in the past and learned the hard way that sometimes what I want isn't what others want. And basically it did took me 2 months to see him because I felt I wasnt really ready to dress up and actually go out, date and have fun. But when I did meet him, despite how short it had been, I did had a great time with him. He even saw me the day after his trip to Ohio and despite being jet-lagged, he drove out to meet me.

I have been on the other end when I did the "fade", but when I did it it was simply becauseI wasnt feeling anything at all and I would just stop texting. this guy despite letting our conversations die off from time to time, does reach out when i dont reach out; like today.

Please don'tcall me crazy but Im just not someone to talk for two months and not expect things to not go anywhere. If anything, I actually hope that if he can feel even the same about wanting to get to know me more we can progress this into an actual relationship.

February 11, 2016

You are actually using the fact that his house is not yet decorated to his liking as a valid excuse for him not having time to date you?

I'm sorry but you have NO reason to think that this is going to go anywhere. Why are you obsessing about it so much? You should let it go 100%. I know you really like him! But going on and on about it in your head and wasting your time texting back and forth is really not good for you.

If he wants to date you he will make that known to you loud and clear and then you can go ahead with it!! But for now that does not appear to be the case so for your own sake PLEASE let it rest.

Advice for the future: Never text or email for months before meeting someone. It creates false intimacy.

February 11, 2016

I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just too busy. We are both Chinese and the past 2-3 days were Chinese New Years celebration. He works 6 days /week for tax season and Sunday he was with family. So I can try to be understanding. Like today and most of this evening he has been pretty consistent with replying to me.

It doesnt seem like he is dating or seeing anyone else but I can not know for sure since we both met on a online dating app.

Since this coming weekend is going to be Valentine's Day, should I just continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?

I'm not begging or out-right chasing him. After all we did spent 2 months simply texting and trying to know each other before meeting up. He's been nice (minus the massage conversation) and he sends me texts of foods from time to time (since we talk about ourvfavorite foods alot).

He did tell me one night thst he has alot of things going on right now. He just moved into his new house on a mortgage, and he hasn't fully decorated it the way he wants. He also wants to study for his CPA license but hasn't really settled down to opening his books. If someone has so much going on in their lives right now, I think its safe to say thinking about another date is out of the question?

With all that, I have dsted a alot of people in the past and learned the hard way that sometimes what I want isn't what others want. And basically it did took me 2 months to see him because I felt I wasnt really ready to dress up and actually go out, date and have fun. But when I did meet him, despite how short it had been, I did had a great time with him. He even saw me the day after his trip to Ohio and despite being jet-lagged, he drove out to meet me.

I have been on the other end when I did the "fade", but when I did it it was simply becauseI wasnt feeling anything at all and I would just stop texting. this guy despite letting our conversations die off from time to time, does reach out when i dont reach out; like today.

Please don'tcall me crazy but Im just not someone to talk for two months and not expect things to not go anywhere. If anything, I actually hope that if he can feel even the same about wanting to get to know me more we can progress this into an actual relationship.

You should not count all the time you spent getting to know him in the "virtual" world. The clock starts the first time you meet in person and it stops when they aren't consistent and/or making time for you PERIOD. If the guy is serious about dating anyone, he's not going to start something up when he can't make time for them unless he's going to string them along and keep them on the back burner.

You can give him the benefit of the doubt, but while you are doing that, keep moving with your own life. Don't waste your time and energy mind reading or expecting.

You text him, he responds, that just minimal effort at this point. There is no second date, until it actually happens.

not expect things to not go anywhere -- Expectations? -- He doesn't owe you anything by virtue of communicating with you for a couple of months online and one in person date.

Sit back, relax. Be receptive and responsive and stop thinking about him in between all this. Date other people, keep busy until he shows you clearly what's what. As far as you are concerned, you're keeping him on the back burner until he gives you enough to move him to the front burner.

February 11, 2016

OP....just for kicks, invite him over for a "massage," and watch how fast he suddenly becomes "un-busy."

My point is ...when a man is interested in something, whether that something is a woman he wants a RL with ..... OR just no-strings sex, there is no such thing as "too busy."

But suit yourself. As most have done before you, you will have to learn this the hard way.

I hope you don't waste too much time though....I have a friend who wasted seven years of her life waiting for a guy to become "un-busy."

It finally ended when she found out he got engaged to a woman he had been in a relationship with for six years! And he cut it off (with my friend) leaving her heartbroken and devastated.

Note their entire RL consisted of broken promises, dates that never came to be, lots of texting. ...and yes "bantering."

But she "hung in there" for seven years, believed his BS that he was *busy*...and ended up heartbroken when she found out he had been in a RL with another woman the whole time!

But again, suit yourself.

Edited February 11, 2016 by katiegrl

February 11, 2016

Meh, unless and until he invites you on another date I wouldn't wait around.

People make time for the things that matter to them. He's not so busy decorating that he can't talk to you - I hope you don't really believe your own theory there.

Plenty of us have partners in demanding jobs, working long hours and stressing. But you know what? They still find time.

Two months of chatting doesn't mean a lot, because you've spent so little time together in person. Think about it - when was the last time you made so little effort for someone you really liked?

February 11, 2016

OP....just for kicks, invite him over for a "massage," and watch how fast he suddenly becomes "un-busy."

He'd be over there like lightning.

Actually would love for the OP to try this. If he still chooses interior design over her, then I think you'll have uncovered the real reason for his lack of interest...

Edited February 11, 2016 by Jabron1

February 13, 2016

He'd be over there like lightning.

Actually would love for the OP to try this. If he still chooses interior design over her, then I think you'll have uncovered the real reason for his lack of interest...

Thanks for your advice but I am not going to do that

We resumed communication mid-week but we're noth sick with the flu. We had a small conversation on Friday but after that nothing.

Today is Saturday and its the day before Valentine's Day. I haven't heard a peep so far and I know he is doing auditing today

I know you guys are telling me to move on but I spoke with my friend and she said for me to take it easy and wait and see as tax season finishes.

I am talking to other guys and have a date set up for next weekend.

His birthday is on the 18th so its just basically a waiting game for me. I even prepared a small gift for him,since we did mention before that I could celebrate his birthday with him. But if he doesnt reach out to me, l am ready to completely let him go and won't reconsider pursuing anything further.

Also if you guys tell me that buying a gift this early on is a no-no, the thing is I do think birthdays are special. The gift is minuscule and it didn'tbreak my wallet. If I dont see him after this Ican always use the gift for myself (it's a personalized glow on the dark flash drive from Etsy).

February 13, 2016

Thanks for your advice but I am not going to do that

We resumed communication mid-week but we're noth sick with the flu. We had a small conversation on Friday but after that nothing.

Today is Saturday and its the day before Valentine's Day. I haven't heard a peep so far and I know he is doing auditing today

I know you guys are telling me to move on but I spoke with my friend and she said for me to take it easy and wait and see as tax season finishes.

I am talking to other guys and have a date set up for next weekend.

His birthday is on the 18th so its just basically a waiting game for me. I even prepared a small gift for him,since we did mention before that I could celebrate his birthday with him. But if he doesnt reach out to me, l am ready to completely let him go and won't reconsider pursuing anything further.

Also if you guys tell me that buying a gift this early on is a no-no, the thing is I do think birthdays are special. The gift is minuscule and it didn'tbreak my wallet. If I dont see him after this Ican always use the gift for myself (it's a personalized glow on the dark flash drive from Etsy).

The wording here struck me a little. Did you ask him to spend his birthday together? Or did he invite you?

I don't want to be too blunt, but I don't agree with your friend's advice at all. I have no doubt he's a busy man in this period, but he did manage to find time to have people over to his new place a week or so ago, right? He's still finding time to socialize. He's not so busy he can't call. Sorry, but I really feel you're giving yourself false hope, girl.

Don't expect anything for Valentine's Day, either. I get the sense you're hoping to hear from him for tomorrow?

February 13, 2016

I know you guys are telling me to move on but I spoke with my friend and she said for me to take it easy and wait and see as tax season finishes.

When is this tax season ending?

I know plenty of accountants that are busy with tax season. They still take time to socialize. Sure they're more busy than usual, they work over time, they work on weekends sometimes but they STILL use their free time to date, attend friends and family functions.

I agree your friend is giving you bad advice. Let me guess she has not dated in years?

February 13, 2016

Wake up and smell the coffee: he's just not that into you!!! Put that on the refrigerator and read it 25 times a day and then go meet other people and stop accepting crumbs.

February 14, 2016

Tax season ends in April.

I feel kind of stupid now because he was texting me almost every morningand his actions made it seem like he really liked me but then I don't know what happened, and now he won't even initiate text.

It's definitely taking him longer to reply. Today he replied to my evening texts the next morning.

I really was kind of holding out thst things could progress with him. While I did took the step forward, he took the step back.

I think I'm a really great person to be with. I get pretty and beautiful alot and most guys that I meet tend to want to tske me out but their feelings always seem to fizzle out afterwards.

February 14, 2016

When is this tax season ending?

I know plenty of accountants that are busy with tax season. They still take time to socialize. Sure they're more busy than usual, they work over time, they work on weekends sometimes but they STILL use their free time to date, attend friends and family functions.

I agree your friend is giving you bad advice. Let me guess she has not dated in years?[/quote

My friend is a lesbian. I guess I really shouldnt be taking advice from her?

February 14, 2016

It won't work till it does. It cannot work with every guy you meet, and not every man will fall for you.

Sometimes we have a great first date and then men change their mind, sometimes they change their mind after 1-2-3-4- dates. Nothing we can do about it.

You had a great online connection for 2 months before meeting. That's in the virtual world. Avoid doing that. When you make contact with someone meet them right away, this avoid building up attachment with someone you've never met. All of those things you're sharing before meeting doesn't count. Meeting face to face brings the clock back to zero.

I think his interest is luckywarm but he doesn't have the heart to tell you. He's opting for slowly fading.

February 14, 2016

My friend is a lesbian. I guess I really shouldnt be taking advice from her?

Lesbians don't date men. You want advice from women that have dating experience with men, or men themselves.

February 14, 2016

Thanks for your advice but I am not going to do that

I was kinda joking.

Look, there's no urgency about this guy, whatsoever. I'm surprised that you aren't completely fed up with him.

You need to create that urgency by being less available. You need to be the one fading here - from a guy who's wasting your time.

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He's "fading"...

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