Boyfriend talked to Ex and didn't tell me. Does his story seem fishy?

[Colder2]

Like 3 weeks ago my boyfriend and i went facebook official and this girl commented "Again? Hmm.." I deleted it because i thought it was rude and asked my bf who she was and he said "Oh thats my ex, shes the hardcore christian girl that drank way too much, she cheated on me and i broke it off. She's crazy. I wish i never started talking to her in the first place :c" he said "she still calls me at like 3am but i never answer because i assume she's drunk. Maybe i should talk to her and tell her to leave us alone.." I said he could just delete her and he said "Thats probably a better idea" so a couple days later i checked if he unadded her and he didnt.. I was like "?"

 

It prob doesnt help that shes pretty.. I'm not just being nice she's prettier than me and is a personal trainer so you know she has a rocking body..

 

My boyfriend and i are long distance (My fault) and his ex and him live in the same town.. so that added extra insecurity. I saw that they added each other in June of 2014 (i assume she added him) but still weird because my bf and i have been together since early 2013.

 

 

So last night i talked to him on the phone and brought it up and i said.. "Hey you know how you said your ex calls you sometimes at night?" He was like "Yeah?" I asked how she would have his number since he got a new one like a year ago and we discusses the "no ex's" thing prior to that.. he was like "Uhh.. i got my new number over a year ago and back then we were still talking. She probably asked for it on facebook when we were still friends. But i haven't talked to her in like a year because she started going crazy. Are you okay? Is that not okay?" I said "I dont talk to any of my ex's".

 

 

He said "Well i did before she went off the deep end. We didnt even talk that much back then, its was small talk. She treated me bad, she cheated on me and wouldnt commit to me when i wanted to go steady, i got ****ing sick of it so i didnt want her in my life anymore but then she tried to be kinder to me so i was like "okay we can be friends" but thats it because i'm in a relationship. And once i told her i was in a relationship she started avoiding me again so i was like Nevermind, we arent going to talk."

 

 

I asked how long they were together he was like "If you asked her she would say we were never together because she was weird relationship but i was monogamous to her for like 3 months but then she decided she didnt want anything to do with me anymore" I was like "i thought she cheated on you?" He said "I didnt have any solid proof but she was out partying a lot, i assumed she cheated."

 

 

I just said it was weird because in the beginning of our relationship, he's told me he wouldn't appreciate me talking to my ex and that i thought that was a boundary. He said he "didn't remember saying that baby i'm sorry." Boundaries are formed while in relationships.. i feel like those are the things you really shouldn't forget..

 

 

I then asked why she was still added and he said "He forgot" to unadd her..I also have a hard time thinking he cut her off as abruptly as he's insinuating because just a month ago he uploaded a picture of his pet and she commented with a heart eyes emoji.. so she seems to think they are still buddies?

 

 

10 minutes later I was going quiet and he asked if i was okay.. i said i was having anxiety.. He asked "Why??" and i said that it's just weird that he would give an ex his private number even though we talked about that being a boundary.. i asked if she was just like a weak spot or something? He said "No baby.. She not a weak spot, i dont know.. i guess then she was going down a self destructive path and i didnt want her to hurt herself but she did anyway so i started ignoring her.. i'm sorry.. i promise i don't talk to her anymore."

 

 

During some parts he was clearing his throat i read that can be a sign of lying or anxiety idk which one.. We ended the call but i still have anxiety and insecurity so i talked on the phone with him tonight too I went on her profile to see if she ever mentions him and all i found was a status that said "Amazing what the human heart can do Feeling deep in thought :/" she posted that the same month they added each other.

 

I asked him to call me after he got off work so he called and i asked him about the shifts in his story regarding some things about her. I asked the real reason they started talking he said

"This happened a year ago and i understand the concern is fresh for you but i havent talked to her is so long. Okay well back when i gave her my new number she asked for my new number on facebook because she wasent doing well and wanted to talk, we talked about her problems but when she finally asked about me i said things are going good and that i was dating you. Then she started acting weird and so i basically stopped talking to her but she didn't really stop talking to me she would get drunk and call me at night. I didnt want to deal with it. Looking back i never should have given her my number because it looks bad, giving my number to an ex when im with you. and also because she was crazy when i dated her so of course she would be crazy now."

 

 

I said "I remember in a conversation you said you were uncomfterable with me talking to an ex so im wondering why you would do something that makes you feel uncomfy back to me and then never mention it."

 

 

He said "Tbh i dont really have an explanation for it, i thought i was being a good person by helping someone through a rough time. But i guess its hypocritical because i do remember when i was telling you i wasent very comfortable with you talking to ex's and in all reality it doesnt make sense to feel that way because ex's are ex's for a reason.I think i said that because i was really insecure about that one guy who would never leave you alone and called you all the time."

 

 

I said "i guess i'm just surprised because you always painted her as the crazy Christian girl who drank way too much and cheated on you but you left out the part of the story where you guys talked and exchanged numbers. Why would you leave that out if it was nothing?"

He was like "Because to me it really was nothing.. we only talked for maybe 2 weeks every other day we would send 3 texts to eachother checking up like "whats up?"s and "how are you?"'s now i realized i shouldnt have because something was going on with her that didnt feel right."

 

 

I said "You could have been like hey i know i dont like you talking to your ex's but something is going on with my ex and im just checking up on them."

 

 

He said "I dont think it was fair of me to put up that boundary in the first place because i brought it up out of insecurity. I don;t know what else to say.. i'm sorry.." I asked if he's seen her in person since we started dating he said he sweared to me he hasent seen her since he kicked her out of his house when they broke up 3 years ago. I was still insecure and down so i asked if he forgot the boundary or that he said that to me or if he just disregarded it.. He said "I dont know i guess what was going through my mind at the time wasn't necessarily to disregard that boundary but i guess put it to the side for a while to make sure someone was okay?"

 

 

I was like "So it went through your mind that maybe this would make me uncomfortable or that we've talked about this?" He said "Yeah i would probably say that went through my mind i'm not going to lie to you and i know most people consider talking to an ex a nono but i wasen't for any ulterior motives other than to see if she was okay because when we broke up she was in a rough spot so i figured it being a year and a half later i thought maybe she was killing herself with drinking and drugs."

 

 

I asked if i was less than important than her for a moment of time He said "no thats not true, i've never felt that way, i just wanted to make sure a person from my past wasent killing themselves." I said "you should have at least mentioned it to me if you felt like you were compromising our boundaries." He said "I didn't mention it at the time because i didnt want you to worry about me talking to an ex.. i was just checking on them. I didnt do it to hurt you or for any bad reasons.. i thought i was being a good person." He went onto ask if i hated him and if i still loved him i told him love and feeling hurt aren't conflicting emotions.

 

 

I checked if he deleted her and he did.. I still feel bad right now.. like i said we are long distance and his (stunning) ex lives in the same town. Feels v bad..

I have anxiety disorder so this has really really been hard on my intrusive thoughts. He's never lied to me about girl stuff in the past he always says i'm the only girl he texts/girl he's loved the most/etc.. so this feels weird and foreign... I just need any thoughts and advice please..

 

 

 

I asked how long into them talking did he tell her he has a gf and he said about 4 texts in, all she said was "Oh" and then she asked about me, he explained and she said she didn't understand it ( i guess because we havent met yet.)

 

 

I asked when the last time she called and he said "How long? I don;t know, its been a long time. 6 or 7 months maybe?" His pitched raised here. Idk if reading too much into it or sign of lying or just trying to recall something that happened months ago..

 

 

Did this seem truthful? My anxiety isnt letting me see clearly. Tell me if im over reacting but tell me if it seems off.

Edited February 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal content ~ V

[Colder2]

UPDATE.

 

 

I cant believe i forgot to mention this..

 

I have an app that lets you see whose been viewing your profile the most and shes at the top.

 

I went on her profile to see what was up and she had this picture of this hot girl in a motorcycle helmet, saying it was her.

 

Ive seen this picture all over tumblr, i wont lie.

 

I looked up the source of the picture and it's of this famous model Roxana Van-something.

 

Just adds to his ex being a little off..

 

I know most of her pics are her bc my bf knew her irl, but why would she steal a picture?

 

It just seems so weird..

[Qboro90]

You're over reacting wayyyyyyyy too much. Seriously reading this was a bit absurd because of how long and detailed you discuss literally the smallest little things and the main issue of him talking to her/exchanging numbers occurred over a year ago!

 

I'm surprised your BF remained calm and kept answering you after you were legitimately hounding him with the same question over and over and over again. Wanting to know why he said they didn't talk last year when they still did perhaps. You have clear insecurities and you either trust your BF or you don't.

 

Look at how much you're reading into things. You took 1 quote from this girls Facebook page and applied it to thinking it was about your BF just because that month they friended each other?!? That's so irrational and would require everything to revolve around your fears about them still liking one another.

 

Your BF isn't interested in dating her or getting back together with her. You're going to drive him away and break your relationship apart if you keep bringing up his ex gf and showing how threatened you feel about her existing.

 

Making your BF delete her from Facebook isn't going to prevent him from cheating on you. Guys who cheat are gonna do it no matter what you do or say or how much you stalk their activity. Your BF doesn't seem like that kind of guy. You just need to focus on what you and him have and make that as great as you can. No guy wants to date a girl who thinks an ex gf or other girls are better than them and their BF will leave them. That's unattractive

[mightycpa]

Leave him alone about this. If he wants to talk to her, let him talk to her. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen and there's nothing you can do about it, except to not be the next crazy bitch ex.

[Neffer]

Ok, I couldn't even absorb most of that - you took a small incident (if it even qualifies as that) - a remark - and blew it up into the zapruder report. Calm down. You are going to tank your relationship all by yourself if you keep this up; she won't have to do anything.

 

a few things:

 

Why do you even have an app that checks who checks your profile. I mean seriously, why? This seems very high school girl drama-ish. Why create drama in your life. To what end

 

This all seems more driven by your insecurity about her looks than anything else. Everyones SO has an ex or two. That's how life works. Some are hot. So cope. Work on this, this is your issue not his.

 

I understand that LDRs come with their own weirdness - I was in one once and it oddly makes you more needy than normal, as contact is limited. Communication is stilted. Its isolated in a particular way. At least it seemed that way to me. I am generally not a needy person as far as relationships go, but the whole LDR dynamic fostered that in me a bit too. You need to talk yourself off the ledge here. You are only coming across as crazy/high drama. You can't read into everything - its the road to crazy gf town. You are feeding your anxiety.

 

You need to calm down, back off the ex conspiracy theory, and trust your bf.

 

And facebook is just problematic - don't get sucked into that. Facebook is bs

Edited February 9, 2016 by Neffer