Is it the money? Or are men just plain weak?

[Got it]

I think it also depends on how one defines "reconcile". If you don't throw your WS's possessions out on the front lawn on DDay, is that an attempted reconciliation? If, while in shock, you go through hysterical bonding - does that count? If you rugsweep only to have the damage emerge over the years as resentment, anger and dissension, have you tried to reconcile?

 

If defined as a honest attempt by both partners to use all the tools, including IC and MC, to forgive and reconnect, I'd guess the percentages are quite low. And that makes sense, overcoming infidelity one of the biggest challenges a marriage can face...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think this is exactly it. Is just not divorcing being considered as reconciling? I think many people do not divorce but would not count as reconciling. My husband found out his first wife had cheated on him. He did not divorce right away but I would not say they reconciled. He just moved on, did some rugsweeping and decided he was staying married for the kids and was waiting until they became adults. He did not want to leave the kids.

 

My father found out my mom cheated on him when I was very young. The did not divorce for a few more decades. I would say they tried to reconcile as they did therapy, etc. but most of it was just rugswept and moved past. Their marriage was a very bad one with a lot of different issues. The affair was another result of their bad relationship.

 

Neither man says they stayed out of love for their wives but due to financial and children reasons.

[Justanaverageguy]

Yeah I would say whether people have kids is probably the biggest determining factor. From what I have seen men are less likely to stay in a relationship after discovering adultery then women if no kids are involved. They are much more likely to stay for the kids because they are scared of being screwed over in a divorce system that heavily favors women and also they think staying together is beneficial for the kids (debatable). Money\house also plays some part as well.

 

Aside from that people are quite simply afraid of the unknown. They will often settle for moderate to high levels of unhappiness and staying with a partner they known has treated them terribly in the past rather then step out of their comfort zone and into the unknown to find someone who treats them better. People often cling on for grim death when they first find out about cheating as they are so petrified of being alone and having to deal with everything divorce entails but come to deeply regret that decision down the road - stats shown the vast majority of marriages with known infidelity do fail it just takes some time.

 

Quoting love as a reason to stay with a partner who had an affair is kind of laughable in my opinion. Depends on your definition of love and what you are willing to accept from a partner.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[surferchic]

I'm a firm believer in the marriage vows. Yes I know infidelity is a big part of them, but you're supposed to work through things in a marriage, even terrible things.

 

 

It isn't weak to try to fix a marriage. It is WAY easier to run away from a problem then to try and fix it.

 

How many chances do give someone who betrays you? How much "work through" does one do before no longer tolerating the betrayal, abuse,etc. It's all abuse IMO once someone continues to put up with it, allowing their spirit to be broken down over and over again.

[surferchic]

Yeah I would say whether people have kids is probably the biggest determining factor. From what I have seen men are less likely to stay in a relationship after discovering adultery then women if no kids are involved. They are much more likely to stay for the kids because they are scared of being screwed over in a divorce system that heavily favors women and also they think staying together is beneficial for the kids (debatable). Money\house also plays some part as well.

 

Aside from that people are quite simply afraid of the unknown. They will often settle for moderate to high levels of unhappiness and staying with a partner they known has treated them terribly in the past rather then step out of their comfort zone and into the unknown to find someone who treats them better. People often cling on for grim death when they first find out about cheating as they are so petrified of being alone and having to deal with everything divorce entails but come to deeply regret that decision down the road - stats shown the vast majority of marriages with known infidelity do fail it just takes some time.

 

Quoting love as a reason to stay with a partner who had an affair is kind of laughable in my opinion. Depends on your definition of love and what you are willing to accept from a partner.

I totally agree with this. The unknown petrifies people, depending on what kind of person they are.

 

I think there are some of us though (risk takers and spontaneous) so leave silver than later because something in our soul/our gut will not allow us to live another day/week/year in a situation that goes everything we believe in, staying true to ourselves and being treated well. Love does not hurt... Over and over and over again, no matter which way you slice it.

[Woggle]

People in general who tolerate betrayal and disrespect need to learn how to love themselves.

[MissBee]

I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. I don't care of the circumstances, its a deal breaker for me. So why do so many men choose to reconcile? The number is just way to high in my opinion. Is this just a sign of the weakness of men? Is it that they stand too much to lose financially? Or does it have to do with something else?

 

Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you?

 

Not sure what "numbers" you're discussing, i.e. if you have a giant sample and are looking at statistics or just some observances, the latter can sometimes seem more prevalent than it really is. In any event, I know way more women who forgive infidelity than men in my own observances.

 

However, infidelity doesn't mean someone is walking all over you. They cheated on you, and forgiveness can be based on working that issue out, especially if your relationship has declined in other ways leading up to that point. Walking over you would be to stay with them while they continue cheating. People also get walked over in lots of other ways in relationships even when no infidelity is involved. It seems you think that infidelity should never be forgiven and I think that's a personal choice completely. Myself, I too don't know if I could forgive it but I also can't say hell no, as it really depends. But I do not think it is wrong, weak or being walked over for people who choose reconciliation. We're humans, shyyt can go awry and if the cheater is genuinely willing to make amends and stop and the couple is willing to recommit and have a better relationship, why not?

Edited February 12, 2016 by MissBee

[Radu]

I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. I don't care of the circumstances, its a deal breaker for me. So why do so many men choose to reconcile? The number is just way to high in my opinion. Is this just a sign of the weakness of men? Is it that they stand too much to lose financially? Or does it have to do with something else?

 

Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you?

 

If you divorce as a guy, you are most likely to lose access to children, support 2 homes, and depending on country, be thrown in jail if you lose your job and can't keep payments up.

 

Unless your ex-wife is a chainsaw juggling meth addict who does prositution on the side, you are also unlikely to get the kids.

[thefooloftheyear]

If you divorce as a guy, you are most likely to lose access to children, support 2 homes, and depending on country, be thrown in jail if you lose your job and can't keep payments up.

 

Unless your ex-wife is a chainsaw juggling meth addict who does prositution on the side, you are also unlikely to get the kids.

 

Yep.....As the saying goes, "the fcking you are getting won't be worth the fcking you are gonna get....

 

TFY

[road]

If you were old enough to grow up reading the original Ann Landers. When asked should I divorce. Her response was would life be better off with or without the WS.

 

 

So to divorce needs to be more then a knee jerk reaction.