Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 And you would be well rid of someone who didn't have the maturity to see this through. Then boy, bye! Seriously, I"m failing to see any good reason for continuing in a relationship or wanting marriage with someone who is that dang flimsy. It sounds like you are far more invested in him than he is with you --and it might be time you stopped trying to push marriage or be with him and see that. He's not, but I'm looking at worst case.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 My fear is his lack of willing to commit to me stems from the fact that he is not as serious about me as I am him. I want to go with him and I'd be willing to leave it all behind but I need more than 'I'm here for you'. There's no comfort in that. What you see as his lack of willingness to commit to you could simply be that it's much too early for you two to be talking about marriage & forever. It may not be a never thing but rather a not yet. I've heard over and over that cohabitation destroys relationships or potential for them to grow. So you don't want to live together but you are willing to relocate, meaning you will each have your own place across the country? Cohabitation doesn't destroy relationships but doing it too soon before you really know each other or for the wrong reasons (economics vs. genuine commitment) can damage a relationship. The thing is, he is going to go with or without me. So if I tell him how I feel he could simply go, "ok, bye." If I were to tell him that I won't move in with him yet, but I'd be willing to go provided I have a job (super important to me) he could also just say, "ok, bye." and not deal with my stipulations. If he's so shortsighted as you dump you because you want some economic assurances to protect yourself, let him go. Really who wants to be with somebody who can't appreciate the wisdom of being able to support yourself?
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Not really sure what to do now honestly. I feel like it may be best to sit down and readdress this conversation but not sure when.
Httm Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I'd never marry someone without moving in together first. You need to see how someone lives and how they handle things when they can't just retreat to their own place.
Httm Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Let it be HIS decision then. Simply tell him your entire life is here....and moving away to a strange city, etc. is a BIG life change, and as much as you love him....you don't feel comfortable making such a huge life change without feeling more secure and the RL more committed (i.e. marriage). That way, you are not asking him to make the commitment...you are telling him how you feel and allowing HIM to make the decision. Keep in mind that when he brought it up in the past, she was all for it... Why wasn't she actually honest? She was essentially leading him on in that regard. I have no idea why she was so flippant about it when he brought it up a few times...
O'Malley Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 If you're not comfortable with cohabitation in the here and now, you're not ready for the larger commitment that relocating would entail. The significant commitments (cohabitation, marriage, kids, relocating) should be done when you're secure both in your own decision making and the decisions you make with your partner as a team, which seems to be lacking here. You didn't mention your age, but your twenties is the best time to start building a strong independent foundation for yourself, and not to pin all of your actions and hopes on the future of a relationship (which might not work out for all sorts of reasons). If you strongly desire to relocate for your own personal reasons, start investing your energy into what needs to be accomplished so that you can successfully do so: seeking employment, getting your finances in order, doing some travel to see if you actually would enjoy living in the area that you would prefer to move to (and if you can realistically afford the housing/cost of living on the salary that is earned in that area by those in your field). If you can't imagine moving away from your current life (family, friends, etc.) you need to let your SO know that so he can make the best decision for himself. Making a significant decision based on fear of loss or change, in this case a relationship, isn't beneficial for you or your SO. If he makes the decision to move and you're either not emotionally or fiscally ready to do so at that time, then you accept that you've come to a crossroads.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Keep in mind that when he brought it up in the past, she was all for it... Why wasn't she actually honest? She was essentially leading him on in that regard. I have no idea why she was so flippant about it when he brought it up a few times... Because I didn't think he was being serious. To me, it's like when someone says, "we should hangout sometime". I didn't want to put too much weight on it because it was brought up in very loose like manners, "when we move to Washington and climb that mountain." "When we move to Alaska and see the whales."
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) Keep in mind that when he brought it up in the past, she was all for it... Why wasn't she actually honest? She was essentially leading him on in that regard. I have no idea why she was so flippant about it when he brought it up a few times... That is a good point! She said she acted like she was all for it... cause she didn't think he was serious.... which means, as you said, she essentially led him on.... as HE didn't know that she wasn't being truthful about it. Not cool. Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Because I didn't think he was being serious. To me, it's like when someone says, "we should hangout sometime". I didn't want to put too much weight on it because it was brought up in very loose like manners, "when we move to Washington and climb that mountain." "When we move to Alaska and see the whales." That's a poor excuse. If someone says to me "we should hang out sometime," I am not gonna assume they're not serious, and say "sure, I'd love to!" when I have no desire to hang out with them. What kind of thinking is that? Same with the whale watching scenario. Regardless of whether they're serious or not, it's always best to respond with the TRUTH...so as not to mis-lead anyone.... just in case they "were" being serious. So basically you are in a real pickle here as you already told him you were up for going.... even tho you're not. Not unless he agrees to more of a commitment anyway. I don't know what to tell you at this point quite frankly, but good luck.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) That's a poor excuse. If someone says to me "we should hang out sometime," I am not gonna assume they're not serious, and say "sure, I'd love to!" when I have no desire to hang out with them. What kind of thinking is that? Same with the whale watching scenario. Regardless of whether they're serious or not, it's always best to respond with the TRUTH...so as not to mis-lead anyone.... just in case they "were" being serious. So basically you are in a real pickle here as you already told him you were up for going.... even tho you're not. Not unless he agrees to more of a commitment anyway. I don't know what to tell you at this point quite frankly, but good luck. I want to go, but it's a fear that's holding me back. I was honest because I do want to go. I want to get out of my own town. I want to go with him, but the fear of no safety net. Frankly, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared because I've never done this before. I'm scared because I have no rule book to follow and because commitment seems to me like the only form of a safety net. I love him and the thought of leaving with him seems like an escape, but when you look at it logically, things tend to creep in. My instincts are to go, but like I said, I have everyone and their mothers advising me against it. Edited February 8, 2016 by JustQuest
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 We've never even discussed the idea of marriage before which is why I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I guess, I wrongly assumed that if I were to go, we'd be committed to each other - a team. Not two individuals floundering. There was no timeline originally. Now there is. Now we have to it some made up deadline.
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) I want to go, but it's a fear that's holding me back. I was honest because I do want to go. I want to get out of my own town. I want to go with him, but the fear of no safety net. Frankly, I'm scared of getting hurt. I can understand that.... but keep in mind that even IF he were to "commit" to you (marriage)... that does NOT guarantee that he won't change his mind once you are there and settled.... There is always a chance you may get hurt -- hell, even if he were not moving away.... he could break up with you, leaving you hurt. That is a chance we ALL take when moving forward in a RL with someone we love and care about. There are never any guarantees. That said, how safe and secure do you feel NOW? If you feel safe and secure now....what makes you think you won't feel safe and secure moving to another city? He's the same guy, same RL. Change is good! Personally I love change and if it were me I would jump at the chance to move, start a new life in another locale....regardless of what ultimately happened with him. But this is your choice, do whatever you feel is right for you....but don't be afraid to take a chance. Best of luck whatever you decide. Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 The thing is, he is going to go with or without me. So if I tell him how I feel he could simply go, "ok, bye." Then say goodbye! What else? Why do women become so invested in particular guys, even after said guys treat them like shoes? Why are you so terrified of losing this guy?
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Because I didn't think he was being serious. To me, it's like when someone says, "we should hangout sometime". I didn't want to put too much weight on it because it was brought up in very loose like manners, "when we move to Washington and climb that mountain." "When we move to Alaska and see the whales." I hope this leads you to understand how crucially important direct, honest communication is within a relationship. "You've mentioned 'when we move somewhere' several times. Let's talk about that. What are you envisioning and when?"
Tayla Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Blessed be that a person says they are there for you and proves it. Stop over thinking. Life carries only one guarantee, That you will get thru the best of times and the worse of them. Everything else is options and solutions. Keep giving yourself excuses and sure enough you'll be excused. I'm a lady and quite frankly I cringe at the idea of forcing a commitment in lite of a fictious and projected fear. Things could turn out great! That is also a realistic projection.
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 A commitment from him is NOT your safety net. A job waiting for you when you move is your safety net. If you go with him & get married, if you divorce, you are far from family & may not be able to relocate. You also have no source of independent anything -- no friends no money -- you are solely dependent on him. That is no safety net. If you go & have a job, while the end of your relationship might break your heart, it won't leave you without options. You will have work colleagues. You will have a source of income. You can afford to pack your bags. That is a safety net. Perhaps talk to him about planning a trip to your dream re-location spot so you two can scout out the area for housing & job prospects. If you up & move to somewhere you have never been because it sounds cool, you may end up hating it there. Do your research & due diligence first. Seeing the place in person should allay some of your fears.
Redhead14 Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 He already knows I want to leave my town - that's already been addressed. I've brought it up that I want to get out of this town and move away. What makes me nervous is moving across the country with a man with no strings attached and no form of commitment. Moving on my own is different but moving with someone that could potentially leave me with no consequence makes me nervous. Well, one solution is that since you do want to move out of your town anyway, what harm is there in moving to the same city he is moving to, having your own place and simply continuing the relationship the way it is now until marriage is discussed. You don't have to tie yourself to him yet but you'll still be able to develop the relationship.
Httm Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Because I didn't think he was being serious. To me, it's like when someone says, "we should hangout sometime". I didn't want to put too much weight on it because it was brought up in very loose like manners, "when we move to Washington and climb that mountain." "When we move to Alaska and see the whales." Why assume that? Why wouldn't you have simply asked? Instead, you kept saying yes? You've been together a full year and you don't know what is serious or not? What kind of communication is going on? And what is given for free by moving with someone? Do they need to pay? Do you need to be bought?
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